I have taken everything from DDs room.

[DrivenRoundTheBend]

She is almost 4. She has always been a lovely, loving affectionate little girl and although she still is it's coupled with a horrible temper, screaming, cheeky, rude and terrible attitude at the moment and has been like this for about 3 months. Alongside this she is acting like a bit of a spoilt brat. I hate saying that about her but it's honestly true.

Her attitude if she breaks something is "well you can just buy a new one", if I take 1 or 2 toys from her from being naughty the response is consistent with "well, I'll get it back once I'm being good and in the meantime I can just play with X, Y, Z. She will say things to me and ask if I'm upset and when I've responded no she will move onto something else to try and push my buttons.

I feel like I've tried everything. No screen time, stopping a special trip or day out, time-out, a sticker chart, praising good behaviour at every opportunity, taking away toys etc etc the list is endless but it makes no difference.

Tonight I lost it, I shouted and I mean really shouted I cried. I explained to her it feel like she doesn't love me and how sad this makes me because I love her so much (this seemed to hit a nerve as she got slightly upset and said she does love me and doesn't like to see me cry). I've taken almost every single toy out of her room so there is nothing but some books and her bed and table and a couple of teddies to cuddle in bed (not her favourites they are along with everything else in my room)

I'm devastated. I feel like I've done something really wrong for her to be acting out this badly and I just don't know what it is I've done. I feel like a terrible Mum. My parents have spoken to her but also told me they don't want me to take her to their house for Sunday dinner for example if she's going to be as cheeky as she is to me as it's stressful for them.

I don't know what to do and I don't know where to turn. If this doesn't work I feel like I'll have hit a brick wall. Whenever I speak to people in RL I'm told it's a phase, it's her age, she'll grow out of it but all I can see is it getting progressively worse and I feel completely lost.

My eldest dd was an an absolute nightmare at 4 yo, defiant, wouldn't accept punishment, tantrums etc. I remember saying to my DH on many occasions, 'what's wrong with her, I mean she's FOUR, she should know better'.

She is now 12 and I look back on photos and videos of her at 4 and she was only a baby and I ask myself what was I thinking. She was my first and I really had high expectations for both of us.

She can still be a difficult child (dealing with hormones now) and I often wonder if it was because I had her on such a tight leash, which just didn't suit her character.

What a great update OP.
Very positive.
Keep going and this too shall pass (as is banded around here a lot but is also very true)

Throwing a bowl of soup at you is not acceptable behaviour for a four year old and you are right to be concerned.
See your doctor and ask if he can refer you to Behaviour Support, who will help you to work out strategies to deal with your daughter.
It will also be good for you to talk to experienced, impartial professionals who won't judge you, but can evaluate your daughter's behaviour.

Thank you all. Your posts have really helped.

I'm back home now. Going to have a coffee get tidied up and will pick DO up after doing the food shop then her Gran is coming round later. We have a nice and busy weekend planned which I think will be good for us both.

I needed some blunt and honest advice. Last night I felt the worst I've ever felt with regards to parenting, today I feel like I've been able to reassess and that it's not as bad as I thought. Time and patience Is what I need. I'll no doubt be posting again because as I've said I'm not perfect, I'm not trying to be but I do want to be the best version of myself I can be and I'm bloody well going to try.

Glad it is going well op. I have heard some kids like their rooms very clear and clutter free and enjoy their toys better if there are very few at a time to play with. Maybe your dd will like having a clearer room and just put back a few things and rotate them?

Go to the doctor because your daughter threw some soup. [double snort]

Goblin That would be completely unnecessary steps to take and a waste of my doctors time. Not to mention my own.

Really glad to hear things are looking brighter today. Onwards and upwards!

I have also been there. DD is now 6 and much better ... most of the time. I also took away everything and made her earn them back, it took me about a year to teach her that that behaviour is not acceptable. I find it's triggered by tiredness, two years later it now only happens the week before the end of term.

My DD is a year older and has improved so much in the last year, in the last few months we've had hardly any tantrums (well maybe one mild outburst a day). There are still some triggers that we try to remember to avoid. For example with the soup and bread, my DD might well decide to throw a tantrum if it came not cut up or cut up or cut up wrong. We've had the same thing with leftovers if she wants something cold and we've already heated it up. And the classic "I didn't want daddy to open the banana I wanted mummy to do it... Waaah".

So I always try and ask her before I do something "do you want it cut up/how many pieces" or whatever. We're at the stage now where she is pretty specific with her requests and if she forgets we remember to ask her. In the early days DH did get annoyed with her reaction to silly things like that and I would just calmly say "well you didn't ask DD how she wanted it so let's do it how she wants".

Avoidance tactics, increasing her control over things that matter to her (and not to you) and encouraging more verbalisation of her desires all at play here.

Look we were all raised to feel we were unlovable. We all have a version of the I am unlovable story going. If your parents were the parenting equivalent of Mandela, Mother Theresa, Mary Poppins and the Buddha rolled into one, you'd still have this story. 'Why are they healing all those lepers and being kind to others instead of playing Lego with me?'. It's the nature of being human. Show me one human being who has never worried they're not good enough or unlovable and I will show you either a big fat liar or a dangerous sociopath. When a little one year old hands their head and covers their eyes because their mum said no to them touching the kitchen stove, in that second they're feeling a little less lovable... and there's absolutely no way around that in life because even if you go down the whole never-saying-no route, the world will give them this feedback at some point.

You can't help worrying sometimes. You can't help feeling distraught or that things could or should be different sometimes. You can only, over time, try to be a bit kinder to yourself and in being kinder, a little less reactive. The reason older people exhort parents of young kids to enjoy them more is because everyone gets to a point where they realise most of these stresses are just the little things and not as big and weighty in the moment.

Everyone needs more support sometimes. Even if you've oodles of friends and a big family and the like, if there's a time when you have been busy at work or slept less or maybe you've been eating on the run and you're feeling depleted, you need more support. Reactivity where you feel massive upset about something is something we all experience from time to time and it is a good sign you might need a bit more tlc and support right now. That's not a bad thing. And if there's no way of getting a bit more right now, give it to yourself. We could all use a little more kindness and support and sometimes when we are under pressure we can harden and become very harsh on ourselves and or others.

Oops posted too soon. So time and patience is a great thing here, you're dead right. And failing that I love Yarp's suggestion of retreating and flicking the v's at the back of the kitchen door! Sometimes just finding the absurdity and humour in it all can be really helpful.

DrivenRoundTheBend I'm so glad you are having a better day.

I can't believe some of the responses on this thread. Do people really have such rigid views about the 'correct' way to discipline children. My 4 adult DC have always had different personalities and I've always been gently making it up as I went along.

I've not gotten round to the shops or even the coffee yet. I decided to sort out all the toys. 1/3(ish) are back. 1/3 are away for rotation and 1/3 for earning back. She had too many toys although most are games, puzzles etc so I had a big clear out first.

Thought it might be nice to rearrange her room and put up so early pictures I've been meaning to hang for ages as a surprise for her coming home. We may not have food in the house but her room looks lovely and clutter free

Small steps I guess.

That sounds lovely. You will both be fine. This is all just part of it. I was, like, the harshest parent ever to my eldest. I sometimes think he spent most of his second year on a step just for being two. I've mellowed a lot, and forgiven myself for my overzealousness but it was a tough, tough journey and there were times it was overwhelming. It is always small steps.

The previous poster who said that my Mum should not discipline.

Just to clarify that it was meant when you were on the case. Not when you are elsewhere. Of course they should discipline, but she should not undermine you, or appear to have more authority than you.

She doesn't do that. It is normally if DO has done something or said something directly to her. She will step in to back me up or be in my corner when I need to walk away. She doesn't interfere. Neither does my Dad

She had too many toys although most are games, puzzles etc so I had a big clear out first.

Will you be letting her go through your wardrobe later and get rid of anything she thinks you're done with?

Ha that's maybe not a bad idea. I am a bit of a hoarder now I think about it.

For the people who have sent kind supportive messages she is thrilled with her room

Good, positive plan OP. Lots of love. Lots of positivity.

Look into her eyes every night and tell her how proud you are of xyz, let that be the last thing she hears every night. Even if she was naughty earlier.

Deal with bad behaviour swiftly. Don't let it hang around. Forgive and move on. Apologise when you lose your temper. She will reflect that and apologise when she loses hers. Being a lone parent is bloody hard work and we all slip up.

Never forget to tell her, over and again, what you enjoy about her. She'll soon stop getting in a strop. Good luck and let us know how you get on x

Glad she likes it! I did a lot of decluttering with my dd when she was little as I was flyladying my house and she likes doing it now and has her room fairly clutter free. It still gets messy but its not full of stuff the whole time.

sorry but it is a phase. I noticed DC getting teenagery at all ages before they developed on wards.

People act on a phase as though its here to stay and by doing that you almost in trench it.

Telling her she is naughty all the time, constant punishment and indeed giving her power by telling her she can affect your mood ( terrible terrible idea) is all negative - compounding negative.

Think super nanny, start positive, keep postive, rather than telling her how naughty she is, start saying " But your such a good little girl" and keep going with it.

It sounds to me like YOU have trapped her in this negative cycle.

Well done, maybe read the thread.

To add to what everyone else has said, there's no point explaining anything - she's four. My DD2 turned 4 last month and she is a MONSTER. Like a RAVING LUNATIC. One minute she's adorable, and hugging me as hard as she can, and then next she is having hysterics because, no, I won't go out to the shop to buy chocolate buttons at 7am (I'm v. unreasonable like that).

Our 6 year old is an angel, so I assume it will pass.

Toddler taming might work, I suppose. The first chapter worked on DD1 so I never read the rest.