I have taken everything from DDs room.

[DrivenRoundTheBend]

She is almost 4. She has always been a lovely, loving affectionate little girl and although she still is it's coupled with a horrible temper, screaming, cheeky, rude and terrible attitude at the moment and has been like this for about 3 months. Alongside this she is acting like a bit of a spoilt brat. I hate saying that about her but it's honestly true.

Her attitude if she breaks something is "well you can just buy a new one", if I take 1 or 2 toys from her from being naughty the response is consistent with "well, I'll get it back once I'm being good and in the meantime I can just play with X, Y, Z. She will say things to me and ask if I'm upset and when I've responded no she will move onto something else to try and push my buttons.

I feel like I've tried everything. No screen time, stopping a special trip or day out, time-out, a sticker chart, praising good behaviour at every opportunity, taking away toys etc etc the list is endless but it makes no difference.

Tonight I lost it, I shouted and I mean really shouted I cried. I explained to her it feel like she doesn't love me and how sad this makes me because I love her so much (this seemed to hit a nerve as she got slightly upset and said she does love me and doesn't like to see me cry). I've taken almost every single toy out of her room so there is nothing but some books and her bed and table and a couple of teddies to cuddle in bed (not her favourites they are along with everything else in my room)

I'm devastated. I feel like I've done something really wrong for her to be acting out this badly and I just don't know what it is I've done. I feel like a terrible Mum. My parents have spoken to her but also told me they don't want me to take her to their house for Sunday dinner for example if she's going to be as cheeky as she is to me as it's stressful for them.

I don't know what to do and I don't know where to turn. If this doesn't work I feel like I'll have hit a brick wall. Whenever I speak to people in RL I'm told it's a phase, it's her age, she'll grow out of it but all I can see is it getting progressively worse and I feel completely lost.

Argh xposted again.
OP it is fucking hard, it is. I'm also a lone parent and Dd has some sensory issues so sometimes I get it badly wrong and come down hard on what I think is bad behaviour only to realise that actually it was a reaction to sensory overload etc. which makes me feel like superbitch. It's ok though, a cuddle and a fresh start with a fresh day can always reset things.

I actually think putting the stuff back shows her a good message - that we all get things wrong sometimes, especially if we are angry or upset, just like she acts badly when she is cross or upset. You digging your heels in for the sake of it is modelling defiance and heel digging to her and she will just do the same! If you can show her another way, a way of saying ok, I got this wrong then she will learn from that. I'd say "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have reacted like that love, I was just so very cross about the soup throwing. Let's make a deal, you say sorry to mummy for throwing the soup and I'll say sorry for taking your stuff away and then tomorrow we can go out and do x and start over. Does that sound like a plan?" And you may find that this approach leads her to open up back and be genuinely really sorry.

I think that when you are a lone parent with one child you can over invest in that mother daughter relationship, especially if other things are bothering you. It can get intense and personal. I was a lone parent for four years with my dd, and now with the great god perspective, I can see how seriously I took her behaviour, and how much her emotional stability was a reflection of myself. Op I have been where you are. I am trying to think of the most helpful thing to say to you, perhaps to trust yourself, but I know how easy that is to say than do.

Sending you both

I get the dinner thing, I did that once with curry.....I was very careful after that :o

Ok so the soup thing aside, I think that being clear and calm and firm is the best way to go.

I agree with you about the toys, which is why I suggested she gets to choose 2 toys a day to earn back through good behaviour. Her earning them back teaches her the value of good behaviour. I would also consider whether she has too many, a 4 year old only needs a few to keep them happy tbh, so maybe you could put half of them away and rotate them once a month so they keep her interest.

With the nursery thing, does she need to be there so you can work? It seems a bit fragmented and that could be part of the problem. If you are able, could she do either Nursery OR Preschool and not a mish mash of both? I am just thinking that she is just settled and enjoying her time at Nursery when she is moved to preschool, that might be contributing to her feeling a bit insecure, so she kicks off at you, the only person in her life she can be secure and safe with. Can you use your free hours at the nursery and knock the preschool on the head?

Your love for your DD is obvious, if you didnt care then you wouldnt be posting at all. Stop beating yourself up. As the saying goes "If it was easy, it wouldnt be worth having".

Actually, OP, I think you are doing the right thing, and I think you were right to show her that it affects you.

If you haven't done this yet, I would sit down with her and tell her how it is from your point of view. Explain that you had to work to do the cooking, and to prepare it, and that when she is ungrateful like she is you wonder what it is you are doing wrong in order for her to behave that way.

Ask her to tell you what she is feeling when she does things like that, and why she is not able to control herself and behave in a more appropriate way. Try to get her to use language to express what she is feeling, and model it by expressing what you are feeling yourself.

4yo are a pita, they really are, but the way to make sure they don't become a pita when they are 5 and subsequently is to tackle it right there and then before it gets out of control.

Doesn't make it less tough though. Sympathy (ds2 has just turned 5 and is finally coming out of that phase, thank goodness)

I can remember my DS at that age we would go through periods where he would test me to the limit. As a LP it is tough no one else to take over when you have had enough. The nursery staff would see his behaviour stay when I arrived.

It does sound like you have far too many behaviour techniques going on..My DS has never responded to stuff been removed so I don't do it. Does she have a lot of toys, at 4 it isn't the same as taking one favourite toy when you remove x box they will happily play with a cardboard box for hours. I would decide on one.

I am also very careful what I threaten... I agree one warning is enough but generally if it is swimming, going to the park to burn off steam I don't threaten as that seems to help.

Your own children do learn how to push your buttons.. You have to learn to ignore it..Even if you need to walk into another room.

I do think at 3/ 4 though start another day as a new day day.

Sorry my advice is:

Tear up the sticker chart.

NEVER make threats, so no more do X or I will do Y. Just do X. Preferably with a count, as some children find 'transition' hard so "in 5 minutes you need to Eat dinner", "3 minutes to dinner", "1 minute to dinner" and "dinner".
If she doesn't eat, she doesn't get anything else, but has to stay put until others have finished eating or 5 minutes.

Do not confiscate toys (I have no understanding of people who remove stickers from sticker charts). You can remove toys if you want to rotate them, or because they are not put away, but I wouldn't for other reasons.

Make yourself a sticker/star chart - this one is for you. You give yourself a star every time you spot her being good and acknowledge it. You should have 10 stars every day. Start out spotting the smallest bits of good behaviour, and praising them.

If she really has a problem with obeying instructions or the word "No", then try to avoid this. So give her a choice to choose, "Do you want to sit on the cushion to eat dinner or in the high chair?", or "do you want your dinner in a bowl or a plate?".

If she asks for something you can't give her, then instead of saying no, turn it around. Eg. "I want an Island in the Bahamas." "That would be lovely dear, we could swim in the sea all year around couldn't we. But Daddy can't afford it, and it would be too far for Granny to come and visit every week..."

Finally - when you are losing it - make sure she is safe, and then have 5 minutes peace (even if this involves locking yourself in the bathroom). Have a cup of tea/coffee (other beverages are available). Do something nice for yourself once she's in bed. Make sure you get some time for yourself. Be kind to yourself.

I have a 6yo ds who went through exactly that and is still prone to the most awful meltdown occasionally.

Oh Ive had the "you can buy me another one" too. He is lovely but an utter nightmare at times. He has had me in tears over his behaviour a couple of times. My friend (who dotes on hers) even commented on how much he had me dancing to his every whim.

I second what sidge says. Have the boundaries. Make them non negotiable. If dd doesn't want tea. Fine she doesn't have it no alternative (we now have tea without a drama. Took 12 months like) and so on.

Don't worry about removing the toys. With a bit of luck she'll forget about some of them and you can bring them back our when she is bored. (got that t shirt too)

It gets better but with kids like that you really need to be firm And consistent.

OP, I can't offer any advice as I am struggling with a 2 year old, but I wanted to say try not to be too hard on yourself. Kids are testing, there is no shame in not knowing what to do for the best. Speak to people, listen to their advice & suggestions & take from it what you want.
I wish I could offer something helpful, but instead I will say chin up, tomorrow is a new day and I hope you make progress with your daughter soon. Remind her how much you love her and get a massive hug. Sounds like it would do you both good.

Lots of advice but just to clarify for everyone thinking about how to manage young kids. sticker charts should never go down. They only go up and are for one specific task a day. Ie tidy up. You can't lose stickers once you have earnt them and they can't be for generic things like being good. If slightly older you can add a few things that earn stickers but it really works better if it is only for one thing. If the child earns enough stickers they get the reward no matter how many awful things they have done that week. You are rewarding clearly defined good behaviour not punishing bad. Hope that makes sense.

OP I really feel for you and have similar days,weeks moments with DS1 (5.3) who has been pushing the boundaries for about a year now. He does a lot of low level disruptive stuff and after a weekend of it I really struggle to stay calm. I too have sticker charts, time outs and try very hard to praise his good behaviour and ignore the annoying stuff. I'm sure he is doing most of these things to provoke a reaction when he is bored which is why I feel I am failing him when I do react. However, he is definitely improving and I think the key really is to try and stay calm and just keep on with the time outs etc. I think you are getting a lot of grief from some posters who are probably making you feel worse - in a few days this will all be forgotten. Water off a ducks back at this age so please try to do something nice for yourself tonight and feel better x

Camel, you're a wise one

Op you're doing a great job. My dd will be four in a few weeks and is exactly the same at the moment. Temper tantrums when she doesn't get her own way, worse when she is hungry or bored. Dh and I are trying to be consistent and send her up to her bedroom and carry one with what ever we were doing, she normally comes downstairs within 5 minutes with an apology. Not easy and I'm hoping this too will pass.

Most of the research over the last thirty years tends to point to non-coercive practices being better over the long run e.g. spending time together, minimising parental stress and increasing social support, lots of specific reinforcement for doing the right stuff, particularly for pro social/cooperative behavioir, consistent calm delivery of consequences that are developmentally appropriate and crystal clear to the child for behaviour that is unexpextrd or oppositional, limiting access to external influences that might be harmful e.g. violent media.

Punishment and harsh words don't tend to get decent results over the long term. Tony Biglan's recent book 'The Nurture Effect' makes a very strong case for limiting coercive practices across society.

My feeling is the most important thing for resolving this for you is to have more support. The technique stuff is all smoke and mirrors when you're spent and feeling burdened. If your parents are not supporting your parenting that adds a layer of stress that can act as a pressure cooker.

My Gran phoned and I had a chat with her which has made me feel a lot better.

I wish I could answer every question but I'm struggling to remember them all. With regards to the nursery hours I work every hour she is at nursery/pre-school.

I do have support, I have friends, a big family, a boyfriend (who DD thankfully adores). She has relationships with all the paternal side of her family except from her Dad. We are not isolated in any way shape or form although it certainly seems like it when the going gets tough.

I think I will approach it tomorrow with a "you can have half your toys back today if you can help me choose them and move them through" and say I'm sorry. The rest can be earned back. I'll put some of the lesser used ones away tonight before so they can be put in rotation.

I have read every post and will re-read many times as there is a lot of good advice.

Thank you

I agree with diploden and camelhump. Reward and punishment systems with long sets of rules are about controlling people not about making well rounded children

Normally children's problems are about wanting to feel loved and to be heard as an individual. Give her more power, responsibility and praise when she does well. Try and understand her when she does something that makes you feel bad

There is nothing wrong with a few rules to help facilitate but they shouldn't be the focus

I agree with getting rid of the sticker charts and time out.
Ahaparenting is fab and I really believe in playful, connected parenting (with a dose of strictness)

With the preschool, nursery and home, your dd is getting 3 different inputs, disciplines, routines, carers. I think that's a lot for a 3 year old.
Are you able to stick to just nursery?

You will be fine. 4 is a tricky age.

And I'm sure we've all done sub-optimal parenting (and said awful things to our children).

Just do try to find an escape strategy for when it all gets too much, such as soup being thrown at you.

It unfortunately isn't an option. However, her nursery do the wrap around for school nursery so she is going with all her friends which I'm hoping makes the transition between the two easier.

I agree duplodon

When I get over-emotional, I know it's about me. Me feeling frustrated and disrespected (not my child's job to make me feel good). Me feeling worried (difficult child at 4 does not equate to delinquency at 14, so stop jumping ahead in time and worrying)

No advice, just sympathy. My DD was a terrible 4 year old and I nearly lost it daily. She grew out of it and is generally lovely now.

It's just bloody hard.

As was said, praise her when she gets it right plays nicely eats well . Any small thing. She needs to know she does good stuff too.

Also save severe punishments for the really bad stuff. Otherwise you have nowhere to go...

All behaviour is communication what happened three months ago ?
How does she get from nursery to preschool ? Who takes her ?

Get onaarentogn course if you can you got nothing to lose.

Oh dear.

Three-Year Old Behavior Challenges

What is life like with a three-year-old? There is something quite magical about the three-year-old year, and often something quite difficult. I have had three mothers contact me recently about life with a three-year-old – its ups and its downs..
This is how the Gesell Institute Book “Your Three-Year-Old” characterizes some of the qualities of a three and three and a half year old”

Three Years:

Conforming, decreased physical aggressiveness, happy most of the time, friendly, pleasing
Loves new words
Likes to make a choice within realm of experience
Sure of himself
Tries to meet and understand social demands
Gets along well with mother
Helpful around house
Like to relive babyhood
Beginning of interest in babies, wants family to have one
If sibling is on the way, most really do not understand baby growing inside mother
Expresses affection readily
Desires to look at and touch adults, especially mother’s breasts
Father can take over in many situations, although Mother still favored parent
Child clings less at bedtime and may go to sleep better for father
Usually enthusiastic about other children but still immature in their social reactions
Children may be more comfortable with adults other than other children – they approach adults with requests for help or information
From page 55, “ Much of a child’s conversation with any adult is still self-initiated. He may respond to what grown-ups say to him, or sometimes, he may not.”
Temper tantrums decline

Three and a Half Years:

Turbulent, troubled period of disequilibrium, the simples event or occasion can elicit total rebellion
Strong and secure gross motor abilities may turn more into stumbling, falling, at this age
New- found verbal ability “I’ll cut you in pieces!” and lots of whining
Loves silly rhymes and rhyming words, sentence length is increasing, acquiring a large vocabulary
May refuse to do things a lot, or howl and scream, or say a lot of “I can’t” I won’t” kinds of things
Three and a half to four may be the height for the most “WHY?” “WHERE?” “WHAT?” kinds of questions
Demanding, bossy, turbulent, troubled but mainly due to emotional insecurity
Mother-child relationship difficult but may also cling to mother
May refuse to take part in daily routine – may do better with almost anyone than Mother
Inwardized, insecure, anxious
Determined and self willed; emotional extremes predominate
Emotional and physical insecurity
Anxious; lots of tensional outlets such as nose-picking, nail-biting, boys may be pulling almost constantly at their penises, etc; can see stuttering and tremors of muscles at times, visual strain
May not eat well, may still have problems with bed-wetting, may wake up in the middle of the night and walk around
Afraid of almost anything and everything
Beginning of prolonged play with dolls, house building, tricycle riding
Girls may propose to Daddy at this age
If your child tells you stories, they may have violent elements in them (page 102)

THINGS THREE-YEAR OLDS DO:

Wonder at things!
Play a lot
Invent stories to tell
Talk a lot and ask a lot of questions
Love their mommies and daddies and pets!
Get all those new words and new skills!

THINGS THAT MOTHERS SAY ARE DIFFICULT ABOUT THE THREE-YEAR-OLD:

Whining
Frequent changing of mind
Wanting to play games constantly with mother and wanting her attention all the time
The difficulty that comes with dressing, eating, going to bed, taking a nap
The asking of “Why?” over and over and over