Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about SIL breastfeeding issue? Wedding related!

999 replies

SilverSalmon · 05/05/2015 13:08

I'm getting married in 5 weeks and there'll be 6 children at the wedding - 2 small babies and 4 toddlers. Next to the room where we're getting married is another room they use for smaller ceremonies, I asked if they could leave the door open for this in case people need to take out crying/tantrumming children (including my own 4yo DS!). They've agreed and will put sofas and a toy box in the room.

We were at my OH's parents at the weekend and his DB and wife were there. They are bringing their 2 children, our niece (4 months) and nephew (3yo) to the wedding. I told her about the room and said that I can get them sat near it just in case they need to pop out and settle or feed them (she's breastfeeding both). She said that if they need to feed she can just pull her dress down as its low cut, but I said she'll probably be more comfortable in the room as the seats are squahsed close together and may incur a lot of faffing. I've said the same to my cousin who is bring her 2 month old, who is bottle fed (and told SIL-to-be this).

Can I state at this point I'm very pro-breastfeeding, i breastfed DS until he was 2 years old, often in public, and would never ever adopy a 'there's a time and a place' attitude - however having breastfed a child of varying ages I know what a faff it can be especially when they're across your lap when someone is right next to you, so I gave the room idea as I thought it would be more comfortable for them and the children.

This morning OH has received the following email from his DB (names changed obviously):

Hi DB
Laura (SIL-to-be) and I have been discussing the issue of breastfeeding at your wedding and the fact she's been asked to go into another room if she needs to feed during the ceremony. I have to say I'm disappointed in you both as I thought you were pro-breastfeeding. Laura feels very vicitimised by this and we suspect it's because other guests may feel uncomfortable. In which case that's their issue, if they are offended by breasts being used for their natural function then they are welcome to turn their heads. Or, if it's like SilverSalmon says, and it's just for our comfort, we believe it would be easier to just get the children latched on rather than make the fuss of getting up and leaving the room.

I think it may be a good time to also mention that, as you know, Laura tandem feeds and because DS is still feeding when she latches DD on he usually comes up asking for some too. Meaning that it's highly likely that she'll need to tandem feed at various points during the day. We're happy with this and she has chosen a tandem-feeding friendly dress for this reason. Laura is not prepared to be shoved into a side room like she's doing something sordid, she wants to be part of the day too. So wether it be during the ceremony, dinner, speeches etc, she will need to tandem feed and is not prepared to leave the room to do it. I have to put the comfort and needs of my wife and children first. If you're not happy with this arrangement I'm afraid we won't be able to come - I'm not having any of us penalised because of our feeding choices. None of us would enjoy a day where the children and Laura are constantly seperate from me and the feeding is non-negotiable. It's up to you 2 but can you let us know asap and then we do things like cancel the hotel room and return our outfits. I hope you understand our point of view, I don't want to fall out with you but I didn't think breastfeeding would be such an issue!"

So mumsnet AIBU to be upset about this? I genuinely thought I was being helpful when I offered a side room for the ceremony. Help!

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 05/05/2015 14:29

"Oh so you do have any issue with the actual feeding not just the space?"

As she said in the OP that she bf until her DC was 2, I'd be very surprised if she did. Especially as the seating plan rejig puts them with like-minded others.

shewept · 05/05/2015 14:30

PS: can't three year old just suck on you for the day since you're clearly a giant tit?

Please add this to the email Grin

The OP said she has a problem with the tandem feeding, but as I see it its not the feeding itself, its the making other uncomfortable around Laura. Trying get a baby and a 3 year old on your knee may bump and knock people around her. Its entirely Lauras right to bf, but its other peoples right not be bumped about.

brassbrass · 05/05/2015 14:30

I think revising the seating plan is a brilliant solution to this. Stick them somewhere in the corner where you'll forget about them on the day.

PourquoiTuGachesTaVie · 05/05/2015 14:30

Feeding a three year old is not "a bit little Britain" it's entirely normal. The average age for weaning from the breast worldwide is 4.2 years.

AliceLidl · 05/05/2015 14:30

You can't do right for doing wrong sometimes OP.

I tried to make sure that all my guests with children were sitting at a table with the most room around it, so parents could get up and down as need be, enough space for high chairs or booster seats, and it was near the door in case they had to take a little one to the toilet quickly.

My mother threw a strop about my brother and his family being "shoved in a corner" and no amount of explanation could convince her it wasn't a slight to him.

Meanwhile, my brother and his family couldn't have cared less about where he was sitting, and was fine on the day, and made good use of the space around them, as did all the other families with children on the same table. Just as I'd planned. My mother still isn't over it We've been married for fourteen years.

If I sent a reply, and I'm not sure I'd bother because they seem to want a reaction and a row, I'd send a very short reply saying something along the lines of "As we said to you both when we spoke in person, the room is there for the comfort of all guests with children to use as they wish, regardless of feeding method. Nobody has been told they have to use it, but we wanted to make the offer to everybody as it is a more relaxed and less confining space than the crowded ceremony hall."

Personally I think they've been really rude to you, and I'd be tempted to let them cancel. They sound like hard work.

Waltermittythesequel · 05/05/2015 14:31

She could have reiterated that she didn't want to use the room.

Instead, they inserted giant sticks into their arses and wrote the next War and Peace making OP's wedding all about Laura's tits.

Letthemhavesparkles · 05/05/2015 14:33

*childrens room

CaptainTripps · 05/05/2015 14:33

Oh dearie me - this is going to set the scene for future relations, I fear, whatever the outcome.

DO NOT apologise. You have done nothing wrong whatsoever.

This (quote)>

*Dear bil,

No one cares about your wife's tits. We offered a comfortable seat. We're a bum family.

Love x&y*

Original poster
SilverSalmon · 05/05/2015 14:34

I don't have an issue with the tandem feeding, but at a wedding I'd rather she didn't just as it would make certain guests a bit agog. I've seen her tandem feed and I couldn't care less really, but in the seat at a ceremony just seems a bit strange to me.

OH just sent this to me as a suggested reply (with the odd change from me as OH is a bit caveman in his English language) -

"I think there's been some crossed wires here - Silver certainly doesn't want Laura to feed anywhere she's not comfortable and the side room is something we're suggesting to all parents attending on the day, if they wish to use it. She didn't mean to come across as if she had to use the room. If Laura wants to feed the kids at the ceremony she's more than welcome to, and to avoid squashing we can make sure you're seated on an end seat on the day."

Short and sweet. No apology.

OP posts:
FlaviaAlbia · 05/05/2015 14:34

Your comment sounded like a not very subtle hint that you'd be more comfortable if she fed in there.

Unless she has form for stripping down to the waist and yodelling while feeding I think you're blowing how noticeable it'll be massively out of proportion. Much less noticeable than trying to get up and leave halfway with two children, and what if they needed to leave during the vows? It'll be much quicker and quiter to just latch them on.

I've never seen any clothing for breastfeeding that involves being anywhere near naked to the waist. It's all about layering and subtlety, especially in the more formal stuff.

Your comment about people being agog sounds a bit snide for someone who claims to support breastfeeding and if she recognises herself I think she'll be a bit hurt.

They probably told you she was tandem feeding, in case you thought she'd done it make a point afterwards.

NerrSnerr · 05/05/2015 14:34

You're going to change the seating plan due to her breastfeeding? Seriously, if other guests have problem with her feeding her children then it's their problem.

AliceLidl · 05/05/2015 14:35

Actually, forget what I said, send the giant tit reply Grin

IceBeing · 05/05/2015 14:36

oh dear. The OP was mostly reasonable...although telling someone they would be more comfortable in a different room is patronising given they can actually decide that for themselves.

Many of the other posters on the thread are being very unreasonable.

There is nothing disgusting or double take worthy about tandem feeding.

Skeeter3 · 05/05/2015 14:36

Nothing wrong except say that she DOES have a problem with sil bf and that she's now going to move them to a different table away from any family.

Gruntfuttock · 05/05/2015 14:40

OP it might be an idea that the side room is being made available to all parents in case of any crying, tantrums etc. in case they assume you're only suggesting it for breastfeeding.

BaronessEllaSaturday · 05/05/2015 14:40

Why the issue over space, surely the 3 year old has his own seat so if dh is sat one side of laura and the 3 year old the other no one else is going to be kicked if she tandem feeds. I would have taken your insistence that I would be more comfortable in the other room as a veiled instruction to use it. Anyone who has a problem with seeing breastfeeding needs to be ignored it is their problem.

AliceLidl · 05/05/2015 14:40

Also, obviously you and your OH have seen the room you are holding the ceremony in, but have your BIL and SIL?

Because on the day, when they see the seating plan and amount of people in the room, SIL might not want to be squashed into the crowd to do the feeding.

I realise this is not the eighties and you are not the Carringtons, but if it's the kind of wedding that involves big hats and shoulder pads, she might be jumping at the chance of a bit more space to get comfortable in.

MerryMarigold · 05/05/2015 14:41

I just dread, DREAD to think what that 3yo is going to be like when he's 15, but that's a whole other thread. The world clearly revolves around him (bfing on demand at 3!). But clearly, the rest of the world also needs to revolve around BIL and SIL, so I guess he's being taught by the experts.

I think they are being monumentally egotistical. If they even sensed from you that you would prefer her not to be topless on your wedding day, and knocking people trying to juggle 2 children on her lap (one of them a whopping a 3yo), then they should have OFFERED to go into the room. Not make a huge fuss about it. Totally inconsiderate.

I think it is rude for them to be forcing their breastfeeding issues onto everyone else, including Great Aunts and Uncles etc. when it is not even their own wedding.

I am pro breastfeeding. I breastfed all my children, including twins to 18 months. But if people were as evangelical about religion as these guys are about breastfeeding people would Hmm all over the shop.

I think you need to be relieved they live a couple of hours away....

Waltermittythesequel · 05/05/2015 14:41

Yes, she's moved them to another table because she wants all of her guests to feel comfortable since, you know, it's her wedding and not a breastfeeding convention.

Gruntfuttock · 05/05/2015 14:41

Sorry, "it might be an idea to make it clear that the side room etc." I somehow missed out those words.

MerryMarigold · 05/05/2015 14:43

Anyone who has a problem with seeing breastfeeding needs to be ignored it is their problem.

This is the kind of comment that gives breastfeeding a bad name.

DawnOfTheDoggers · 05/05/2015 14:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littlejohnnydory · 05/05/2015 14:45

YANBU to offer the room but YWBU to tell your SIL where she would feel most comfortable after she had said she was happy to feed where she was. I wouldn't want a separate room and it usually makes me feel uncomfortable to be offered somewhere else to feed as it implies disapproval. But I'd just have nodded and smiled then fed in the church anyway.

Haven't rtft as I cba to read the judgement of the tandem feeding and yet another feeding in public debate. But legally, women can breastfeed wherever they like and nobody can say otherwise because that's against the law. The End.

DuelingFanjo · 05/05/2015 14:46

"I just dread, DREAD to think what that 3yo is going to be like when he's 15, but that's a whole other thread. The world clearly revolves around him (bfing on demand at 3!)"

what a ridiculous thing to say.

DixieNormas · 05/05/2015 14:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.