Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about SIL breastfeeding issue? Wedding related!

999 replies

SilverSalmon · 05/05/2015 13:08

I'm getting married in 5 weeks and there'll be 6 children at the wedding - 2 small babies and 4 toddlers. Next to the room where we're getting married is another room they use for smaller ceremonies, I asked if they could leave the door open for this in case people need to take out crying/tantrumming children (including my own 4yo DS!). They've agreed and will put sofas and a toy box in the room.

We were at my OH's parents at the weekend and his DB and wife were there. They are bringing their 2 children, our niece (4 months) and nephew (3yo) to the wedding. I told her about the room and said that I can get them sat near it just in case they need to pop out and settle or feed them (she's breastfeeding both). She said that if they need to feed she can just pull her dress down as its low cut, but I said she'll probably be more comfortable in the room as the seats are squahsed close together and may incur a lot of faffing. I've said the same to my cousin who is bring her 2 month old, who is bottle fed (and told SIL-to-be this).

Can I state at this point I'm very pro-breastfeeding, i breastfed DS until he was 2 years old, often in public, and would never ever adopy a 'there's a time and a place' attitude - however having breastfed a child of varying ages I know what a faff it can be especially when they're across your lap when someone is right next to you, so I gave the room idea as I thought it would be more comfortable for them and the children.

This morning OH has received the following email from his DB (names changed obviously):

Hi DB
Laura (SIL-to-be) and I have been discussing the issue of breastfeeding at your wedding and the fact she's been asked to go into another room if she needs to feed during the ceremony. I have to say I'm disappointed in you both as I thought you were pro-breastfeeding. Laura feels very vicitimised by this and we suspect it's because other guests may feel uncomfortable. In which case that's their issue, if they are offended by breasts being used for their natural function then they are welcome to turn their heads. Or, if it's like SilverSalmon says, and it's just for our comfort, we believe it would be easier to just get the children latched on rather than make the fuss of getting up and leaving the room.

I think it may be a good time to also mention that, as you know, Laura tandem feeds and because DS is still feeding when she latches DD on he usually comes up asking for some too. Meaning that it's highly likely that she'll need to tandem feed at various points during the day. We're happy with this and she has chosen a tandem-feeding friendly dress for this reason. Laura is not prepared to be shoved into a side room like she's doing something sordid, she wants to be part of the day too. So wether it be during the ceremony, dinner, speeches etc, she will need to tandem feed and is not prepared to leave the room to do it. I have to put the comfort and needs of my wife and children first. If you're not happy with this arrangement I'm afraid we won't be able to come - I'm not having any of us penalised because of our feeding choices. None of us would enjoy a day where the children and Laura are constantly seperate from me and the feeding is non-negotiable. It's up to you 2 but can you let us know asap and then we do things like cancel the hotel room and return our outfits. I hope you understand our point of view, I don't want to fall out with you but I didn't think breastfeeding would be such an issue!"

So mumsnet AIBU to be upset about this? I genuinely thought I was being helpful when I offered a side room for the ceremony. Help!

OP posts:
MrsCookieMonster · 05/05/2015 14:08

Op, don't apologise as you have said nothing wrong they are being ridiculous. Also there is really no reason to BF a 3 year old in the middle of a wedding. The email is really OTT and I would be inclined to reply saying I offered the room as a convenience and never said you were forced to use it but if you are offended feel free not to come.
They sound like attention seekers and I'm sure you have better things to do in the run up to your wedding than deal with that rubbish.
Hope you have a lovely day.

kungfupannda · 05/05/2015 14:09

I think this is just a misunderstanding and I wouldn't advise escalating it in any way.

The way you approached the issue almost certainly sounded as though you were trying to insist on her using the room. She'd said it wouldn't be needed and you appeared to push the point. They've probably had all sorts of comments about her tandem feeding and he's got over-defensive and gone off on one. All it needed from you was a 'fine, but the room's there if you find you do need it.'

I'd just reply and say you're sorry if they misinterpreted your intentions about the room. There's no issue at all in relation to feeding either child, but if they do find that space is a bit tight, the room is there. Outside the ceremony it shouldn't be an issue as she can obviously move freely and find any location that's comfortable to feed.

LowryFan · 05/05/2015 14:09

I'd say 'sorry for the boob, you are of course totally welcome to feed wherever you like, I was just trying to be thoughtful but it all went tits up'.

balletnotlacrosse · 05/05/2015 14:11

I wouldn't be apologetic in the email. That will just feel their monstrous egos even more and make them feel they've won some victory in their important 'crusade'.

kungfupannda · 05/05/2015 14:11

Cross-posted with your update.

I'd be careful how you word the response. Probably best just to say you'll give her an end seat to give her more space if she does need to feed.

And re the table seating - are they going to be the only close family at the back of the room, with the rest of family close to the main table? If so, I'd be prepared for more offence to be taken - it may well be quite obvious that they've been placed strategically!

balletnotlacrosse · 05/05/2015 14:11

FEED their egos, not feel.

NerrSnerr · 05/05/2015 14:11

It sounds like a huge misunderstand. I agree with the others who say that you should email to say that Laura can bf where she likes and the suggestion of the room was just if they wanted it. I personally wouldn't choose to bf a 3 year old but if any guests are uncomfortable with the tandem feeding it's their problem and not Laura's. She has the right to care for her children as she sees fit.

I am currently bf my 8 month old (literally as a matter of fact) and have some weddings this summer. I'm a bit shocked at some of the responses here, I hadn't thought twice about feeding at the ceremony, I wouldn't want to feed in another room as I want to see the weddings!

HollyJollyDillydolly · 05/05/2015 14:11

I think the dbs email was rather ott. I would just about be able to manage feeding one dc on those straight backed no elbow room chairs let alone 2 dc.
Just reply that it appears there's been crossed wires of course Laura can feed where ever she's most comfortable, looking forward to seeing you all.

PterodactylTeaParty · 05/05/2015 14:12

So when she assumed that you actually wanted her to feed in the other room, she was in fact correct?

I think their email was OTT and eyerollworthy, but come on, OP. It's a bit unfair to pretend like you just have their comfort in mind and they're being ridiculous to assume otherwise.

wigglesrock · 05/05/2015 14:13

Oh so you do have any issue with the actual feeding not just the space?

balletnotlacrosse · 05/05/2015 14:15

She has an issue with the tandem feeding as it will involve a lot of noise and faff not to mention discomfort to the person sitting beside her.

Skeeter3 · 05/05/2015 14:18

What discomfort? I can feed a 5 yo and 2.5 yo quite easily with no faff or heaven forbid them touching someone else.

brassbrass · 05/05/2015 14:20

just wow! I think they are monumentally rude!

You've offered a room with sofas which sounds perfectly reasonable (not like you're saying she has to use the toilets!!!)and as guests they should be accommodating you on your big day.

It's incredibly attention seeking to insist on tandem feeding a 3 year old and a baby. That would definitely be awkward for whoever was sitting next to her as they would end up with toddler legs and shoes? across their smart wedding outfit.

I breastfed both mine til they were a year and if I had to could do it discretely in loose tops without anyone seeing boob on show, however if a room was made available to me I'd have quite happily used never mind being a guest at someone else's wedding!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Waltermittythesequel · 05/05/2015 14:21

Don't you dare apologise! You've done nothing wrong.

"DBIL no need for any drama. I offered the room, I didn't demand it be used. If you're not going to come, you really do need to let me know."

PS: can't three year old just suck on you for the day since you're clearly a giant tit?

SoupDragon · 05/05/2015 14:23

can feed a 5 yo and 2.5 yo quite easily with no faff or heaven forbid them touching someone else

Even in the tight confines of a wedding congregation? I don't think I could have fed one without encroaching on someone else's personal space.

Giantbabymama · 05/05/2015 14:24

I love the way these people have made your wedding all about them and their tandem tits. Don't make any more special arrangements for them because they seem determined to take it the wrong way. Just send back a one liner saying get yer tits out where ever you like love, and then get on with the rest of your plans. It's up to them to worry about flashing boobs and kids making noise or kicking people while feeding, not you.

Skeeter3 · 05/05/2015 14:25

But op has now admitted she does have a problem with sil bf and does want her in a different room, and is now removing them from a family table to sit at the back to "protect" others from the abomination which is bf.

Jengnr · 05/05/2015 14:25

What about 'Meh, feed where you want. No need to be a cunt about it.'

purpleteapig · 05/05/2015 14:26

It's all very well to bf a baby during the ceremony, but a 3 year old?! If I saw that, I'd do a double take, and I'd imagine some guests would be uncomfortable seeing tandem feeding. It's a bit Little Britain...

Skeeter3 · 05/05/2015 14:26

Done it on a packed train, so don't see the issue, even more so when you're around family.

Giantbabymama · 05/05/2015 14:28

Hang on. Is this a civil ceremony? They last all of 30 minutes usually. Surely they can manage without a feed for that long so this won't even be an issue. I can't believe the mountain that is being made of this!

Seffina · 05/05/2015 14:28

Why does a woman breastfeeding her child make people uncomfortable?

PourquoiTuGachesTaVie · 05/05/2015 14:28

I don't see why you needed to say anything about the separate room in the first place. If she felt she needed somewhere else to bf on the day then she would have found a place herself.

Your last post sounds like you're more bothered about other people's reactions than about SILs feelings. Bf is normal. Why would you change your seating plan because of it? Anyone bothered by her bf should be directed to the other room...

tbtc · 05/05/2015 14:28

Walter

The OP states: She said that if they need to feed she can just pull her dress down as its low cut, but I said she'll probably be more comfortable in the room as the seats are squahsed close together and may incur a lot of faffing.

The OP made the offer, the SIL said she didn't need it and THEN the OP pushed the point, making the SIL feel uncomfortable. If someone offers me something, I decline and then they insist, then I take the original "offer" as not an offer at all, but a request and I can totally see why they got upset, albeit a bit dramatically!

Letthemhavesparkles · 05/05/2015 14:28

This is very funny but your thread also portrays bf women in a very self-entitled light. The email is utterly ott but I find it hard to believe that anyone would have written this, so only half believe this story.

I bf my 2.2 doc and would definitely prefer the privacy of the children's too during your wedding. I think it's the same if I was feeding a small baby.

Saying that, this would be my preferred way but I would felt annoyed if a relative had given me hints not to feed in the main room.

I would definitely let this go, just email back saying there must have been a misunderstanding, feel free to bf anywhere anytime. If they make a show of themselves then you can just laugh about it no? After all you can't control how anyone else behaves, even not at your wedding.