about SIL breastfeeding issue? Wedding related!

[SilverSalmon]

I'm getting married in 5 weeks and there'll be 6 children at the wedding - 2 small babies and 4 toddlers. Next to the room where we're getting married is another room they use for smaller ceremonies, I asked if they could leave the door open for this in case people need to take out crying/tantrumming children (including my own 4yo DS!). They've agreed and will put sofas and a toy box in the room.

We were at my OH's parents at the weekend and his DB and wife were there. They are bringing their 2 children, our niece (4 months) and nephew (3yo) to the wedding. I told her about the room and said that I can get them sat near it just in case they need to pop out and settle or feed them (she's breastfeeding both). She said that if they need to feed she can just pull her dress down as its low cut, but I said she'll probably be more comfortable in the room as the seats are squahsed close together and may incur a lot of faffing. I've said the same to my cousin who is bring her 2 month old, who is bottle fed (and told SIL-to-be this).

Can I state at this point I'm very pro-breastfeeding, i breastfed DS until he was 2 years old, often in public, and would never ever adopy a 'there's a time and a place' attitude - however having breastfed a child of varying ages I know what a faff it can be especially when they're across your lap when someone is right next to you, so I gave the room idea as I thought it would be more comfortable for them and the children.

This morning OH has received the following email from his DB (names changed obviously):

Hi DB
Laura (SIL-to-be) and I have been discussing the issue of breastfeeding at your wedding and the fact she's been asked to go into another room if she needs to feed during the ceremony. I have to say I'm disappointed in you both as I thought you were pro-breastfeeding. Laura feels very vicitimised by this and we suspect it's because other guests may feel uncomfortable. In which case that's their issue, if they are offended by breasts being used for their natural function then they are welcome to turn their heads. Or, if it's like SilverSalmon says, and it's just for our comfort, we believe it would be easier to just get the children latched on rather than make the fuss of getting up and leaving the room.

I think it may be a good time to also mention that, as you know, Laura tandem feeds and because DS is still feeding when she latches DD on he usually comes up asking for some too. Meaning that it's highly likely that she'll need to tandem feed at various points during the day. We're happy with this and she has chosen a tandem-feeding friendly dress for this reason. Laura is not prepared to be shoved into a side room like she's doing something sordid, she wants to be part of the day too. So wether it be during the ceremony, dinner, speeches etc, she will need to tandem feed and is not prepared to leave the room to do it. I have to put the comfort and needs of my wife and children first. If you're not happy with this arrangement I'm afraid we won't be able to come - I'm not having any of us penalised because of our feeding choices. None of us would enjoy a day where the children and Laura are constantly seperate from me and the feeding is non-negotiable. It's up to you 2 but can you let us know asap and then we do things like cancel the hotel room and return our outfits. I hope you understand our point of view, I don't want to fall out with you but I didn't think breastfeeding would be such an issue!"

So mumsnet AIBU to be upset about this? I genuinely thought I was being helpful when I offered a side room for the ceremony. Help!

I'd be tempted to say something along the lines of "I have no recollection of making that request but I you feel that you wont enjoy our wedding then we understand if you can't make it" and leave it at that. Nice and non-committal.

What? I like to think I am really right on and probreastfeeding but the things you read on here are bonkers,.

Feeding a newborn during a wedding ceremony to comfort/keep quiet = common sense. Feeding a three year old at the same time = inappropriate.

A three year old can wait, a newborn cant. I wouldnt expect my baby to be able to regulate when he could or couldnt eat but my toddler would. It would be inappropriate for an older child to have a snack during the ceremony which is exactly what SILs 3 year old will be doing.

Its not all about them.

Super - I knew she still tandem fed but didn't really think about her doing it on the day or throughout the rest of the day. I'm not sure, I reckon a good few people will be agog (which may be amusing ). I don't wanna make a fuss I really can't be bothered this close to the big day, but I'm a little put out about the tone of the email and the "we will do this wether you like it or not" attitude

YWNBU at all, very thoughtful in fact. However she is obviously upset so I'd email back saying sorry not the case at all obviously feed your DC wherever you'd like! Looking forward to sharing the day with you. She is being slightly over sensitive but it's an emotive issue so for the sake of family harmony apologise and forget about it!

YANBU, at all. They sound very hard work. I, too, am very pro-breastfeeding but feel it's just not necessary during the service, speeches etc. Especially the 3 year old. Would she do it at a funeral?

They sound very self centred, I'd uninvite them just because of that email. You were trying to do the right thing OP and they have taken it completely the wrong way.

Oh FGS, just email back 'The room is there if you want it, feel free to use it if you want or don't if you don't.'

Don't apologise or say anything that could be construed as an apology - what on earth for? They're being sanctimonious and self centred, don't give them any ammunition!

And I say this as someone whose 4 year old is just starting to wind down bfeeding

I'm thinking she maybe thought I was saying she HAD to go in the room.

To be honest, I can see why she would be assuming that. Offering use of the room is totally reasonable; insisting that no, she will be more comfortable in the room once she's told you she's fine where she is comes across quite differently.

I'd just reply, apologise for the misunderstanding, and clarify that you're happy for her to feed wherever.

I would just say "OK, that's fine" and leave them to sort themselves out on the day.

I don't think you did anything wrong in telling them about the room. You could add in your reply that the room is there for all the parents and children at the wedding as and when they need it for whatever purpose.

I think breastfeeding a three year old on demand (as opposed to breastfeeding a three year old at intervals that suit the mother) is a life choice that is going to restrict them and is likely to adversely affect the dignity of the mother. But that is up to them. I wouldn't get into a breastfeeding debate with them.

At my wedding I didn't really notice what the children and their parents were doing during the ceremony. Apparently some were crying during the service but I didn't hear a thing!

I like wutheringheights email response. They sound unhinged & while it is one thing to feed a baby on demand, tandem feeding a 3 year old on demand is a different proposition.

Wtf. did you accidently attach a war rent barring her from the service at feeding time or something.

agree with it being selfish having the older one feed where they are potentially kicking guests or infringing on seating space just to prove a point

they cone across as completely bonkers and self obsessed.

If it happened exactly as you say, they are just enjoying the drama of making it an issue.

Just email back saying 'obviously a misunderstanding. SIL should if course feel free to feed the kids wherever is easiest. Looking forward to seeing you on the 25th' or whenever.

These people are clearly spoiling for a fight so keep it casual!

What a strange message. And how weird to send a long email. I'd say something like:

"I think we seem to have got crossed wires. I said that there was a side room available if Laura wanted to use it, not that she had to. The chairs are very close together and I know how difficult it can be to feed squirmy babies and toddlers in confined spaces without someone getting a foot in the face. The room is also available for children (including mine) who might be finding the ceremony too much. If any child started crying or tantruming, it's obviously better if they do that away from the vows.

I have to say, if you'd rung me, I could have explained all this.

Please could you let me know if you are still planning to come."

I can't be arsed with the superiority and lecturing on this type of thing.

"Laura may feed her children whereever she chooses. I'm sorry you misinterpreted my offer of another room as an instruction. The other room will be available as other parents have expressed a preference to have more space to feed."

I'd do as a few posters here have said. Send an email back saying you're sorry, you were thinking of her comfort as you have had to try to feed whilst sitting at a table with little room between chairs but that, if she is happy with that then, of course, it is entirely up to her where she feeds.

Blimey I couldn't even get to my handbag, which I'd placed on the floor at a recent wedding, without pulling my chair right back and chair bumping the woman behind me!

Oh and try to suppress the smile if she realises she is too hemmed in and decides to use the more comfortable sofa in the other room...

I'd take umbrage with that rude and hectoring e-mail from the DB. Suggest to him that he'd be happier taking the outfits back and so would you. Obviously speak to your intended first.

I'm in favour of breastfeeding too BUT at a wedding, everything NOT to do with the couple needs to be discreet enough not to divert attention from them and if it does, take steps to minimise it. Does sound like the DB/SIL are prepared to do that.

I think you're right OP, they thought you were trying to say they had to go into that room whether they liked it or not. That got their hackles up so they got upset and they have responded in an unnecessarily confrontational way.

Id give them a call rather than email, having thought about it. Apologise for the misunderstanding, hopefully they will apologise for their stroppy response and you can all get back to being excited about the big day.

They are being a bit oversensitive but I bet they have faced a fair bit of negativity about their feeding choices so probably get defensive more quickly. Quick email to say "no, the room is there if you want it but no pressure at all to have to use it, sorry didn't mean to make you feel like you should leave the room at all" will nip this potential feud in the bud.
At four months feeds are probably four hours apart anyway? I would have fed mine before the ceremony if I were them so wouldn't be a problem?

OP did change the names....

OP YANBU in my view. I did similar at my wedding and there were no issues. I have fed in a few churches too. If DSs had been difficult to latch I probably wouldn't have.

It does sound as though this will be all about them, but if you are as reasonable as you sound, I would do as Ceby suggests in her first post.

Send penguins message. You have nothing to apologise for.

Drama from them and you. Easily solvable with a quick email about misunderstanding and free to feed which you support anyways.

Problem resolved happily.

*I have to say, if you'd rung me, I could have explained all this.

Please could you let me know if you are still planning to come.*

And that ^ I would add that.

In fact I'd add FFS at the beginning too.

I cannot imagine tandem feeding during a wedding ceremony and think a 3 year old is old enough to know that there are boundaries to BF. I'm pretty sure the Mum does not tandem feed at every nursing session. But, it is what it is and there's no way you can change how they feed their kids.

A 4 month old latching on during a ceremony - great, no problem - guaranteed to be quiet (unless they are a slurper!).

I think all you can do is retract your suggestion that they must use the room and turn it into an offer and just hope that you don't get a 3 year old bellowing to be latched on and then scrabbling around to get comfy during the ceremony. I guess if the child is just 3 then it's quite different to a nearly 4 year old.

Try not to worry, there are all manner of fussings during a ceremony - the BF is likely not be an issue. Just make up with your bro and move on.

FWIW, I wouldn't address the issues raised by your brother, just say you didn't mean it to sound like she MUST go in the room.

I'd uninvite them. Sounds like 'laura' is going to make a big point by sitting there topless during your wedding ceremony. I can only imagine the reactions of other guests.

You could offer her one of those modesty covers instead