about SIL breastfeeding issue? Wedding related!

[SilverSalmon]

I'm getting married in 5 weeks and there'll be 6 children at the wedding - 2 small babies and 4 toddlers. Next to the room where we're getting married is another room they use for smaller ceremonies, I asked if they could leave the door open for this in case people need to take out crying/tantrumming children (including my own 4yo DS!). They've agreed and will put sofas and a toy box in the room.

We were at my OH's parents at the weekend and his DB and wife were there. They are bringing their 2 children, our niece (4 months) and nephew (3yo) to the wedding. I told her about the room and said that I can get them sat near it just in case they need to pop out and settle or feed them (she's breastfeeding both). She said that if they need to feed she can just pull her dress down as its low cut, but I said she'll probably be more comfortable in the room as the seats are squahsed close together and may incur a lot of faffing. I've said the same to my cousin who is bring her 2 month old, who is bottle fed (and told SIL-to-be this).

Can I state at this point I'm very pro-breastfeeding, i breastfed DS until he was 2 years old, often in public, and would never ever adopy a 'there's a time and a place' attitude - however having breastfed a child of varying ages I know what a faff it can be especially when they're across your lap when someone is right next to you, so I gave the room idea as I thought it would be more comfortable for them and the children.

This morning OH has received the following email from his DB (names changed obviously):

Hi DB
Laura (SIL-to-be) and I have been discussing the issue of breastfeeding at your wedding and the fact she's been asked to go into another room if she needs to feed during the ceremony. I have to say I'm disappointed in you both as I thought you were pro-breastfeeding. Laura feels very vicitimised by this and we suspect it's because other guests may feel uncomfortable. In which case that's their issue, if they are offended by breasts being used for their natural function then they are welcome to turn their heads. Or, if it's like SilverSalmon says, and it's just for our comfort, we believe it would be easier to just get the children latched on rather than make the fuss of getting up and leaving the room.

I think it may be a good time to also mention that, as you know, Laura tandem feeds and because DS is still feeding when she latches DD on he usually comes up asking for some too. Meaning that it's highly likely that she'll need to tandem feed at various points during the day. We're happy with this and she has chosen a tandem-feeding friendly dress for this reason. Laura is not prepared to be shoved into a side room like she's doing something sordid, she wants to be part of the day too. So wether it be during the ceremony, dinner, speeches etc, she will need to tandem feed and is not prepared to leave the room to do it. I have to put the comfort and needs of my wife and children first. If you're not happy with this arrangement I'm afraid we won't be able to come - I'm not having any of us penalised because of our feeding choices. None of us would enjoy a day where the children and Laura are constantly seperate from me and the feeding is non-negotiable. It's up to you 2 but can you let us know asap and then we do things like cancel the hotel room and return our outfits. I hope you understand our point of view, I don't want to fall out with you but I didn't think breastfeeding would be such an issue!"

So mumsnet AIBU to be upset about this? I genuinely thought I was being helpful when I offered a side room for the ceremony. Help!

it's the threat of 'cancelling the hotel and returning outfits' that gets my goat actually. i don't like being emotionally blackmailed. it usually has the opposite effect as to what the blackmailer intends.

he needs a good telling off for his defensive and confrontational email. he should have picked up the phone to his brother to check the score before going postal.

Dear DB and Laura, I didn't mean any offence I was merely saying the room was there to use it if you wished. You are free to feed both children where-ever and whenever you want through the course of the day. We look forward to welcoming you all there you massive attention seeking drama queen. Silversalmon

She said no thanks and the op continued to insist (for all intents) that she would be more comfortable. To my mind that's not even a veiled attempt to nudge her toward the room but an out and out order that she should.

She can feed her kids WHEREever and HOWever she chooses, if you're not happy with that then revoke the invitation.

Yanbu

You offered the room for her benefit, so she isn't smothered by kids on a small chair squashed next to other people. She and her husband sound like a pair of idiots.

Send penguins email

They're itching for a fight and/or being oversensitive. I BF DD until she was nearly 2yo, both at weddings, funerals and other public places. In all cases I sat somewhere discrete and made sure we weren't disturbing anyone with DD's legs, if we were, I have (and would happily) BF elsewhere.

In fact at DH's granddad's 80th birthday meal I BF in the hotel foyer rather than around a circular table filled with DH's family. I also bought a specialist BFing shawl, not because I minded but because I didn't know where I'd be sat and didn't want others to feel uncomfortable.

If a B&G offered me a room to BF in, even if they insisted I used it because they were anti-BFing, I would use it or politely decline the invite. It might not be what I want, but they're inviting us to their wedding. It's my choice whether I'm happy to go along with that or not attend. In fact DS will be 9wks old at a family wedding and I'm digging out the shawl and buying a BFing dress. I'll gauge it on the day as to whether I find somewhere quiet and away to feed DS or if I sit in a quiet corner, depending on seating/noise/appropriateness. It is one day, and about the B&G.

I wouldn't shout from the 'altar' "oi you, tits away and in that room

Sorry but this made me laugh

I like penguins email suggestion in the first few posts. Straight to the point add a ffs or 'obviously' in it. if you are feeling that way out.

or a long rambling email about how upset you are that Laura is offended by you simply offering to help with lots of faces on it.

No really go with penguins.

He sounds incredibly pompous and PO. I'd reply, "Dear BIL, I think there may have been a rather embarrassing misunderstanding! We offered the extra room as a convenience for ALL of the children and infants attending the wedding. The same offer was made to guests bringing their bottle fed baby. It was entirely with comfort in mind and in no way reflected our feelings about anybodies feeding choices. I hope this clears things up and of course Laura is welcome to feed wherever she feels most comfortable on the day."

Wow a three year old and a 4 month old tandem breastfeeding in the middle of your wedding ceremony. Madness- and I'm very pro breast feeding. Some people are nuts!

Assuming that it's standard ceremony seating with armless dining type chairs in tight rows then tandem feeding there during the ceremony is going to be blooming tight and uncomfortable and result in whoever is next to her getting kicked or elbowed -and possibly the row in front getting nudged too. they sound attention seeking and demanding.

I'd be pointing out that whilst she can feed wherever she wants the seating is very close together so they need to be considerate and not intrude on other guests physical space.

I can't help but wonder if Laura has really wants to be one of these women in the daily fail who have been told to cover in public.

Maybe she was hoping to sell her 'banned from my brother in laws wedding for breast feeding' with obligatory sad face.

FGS, skeeter, op merely pointed out that the chairs were tightly packed and Laura would be more comfortable in the other room (and I'd read that as the person in the adjacent seat would also be more comfortable). How's that an order?

"To be honest Seffina, people like the OP's in laws don't exactly do anything for the cause. Most BF mothers just want to get on with it in peace and quiet. The ones who make a big fecking deal out of it are just as annoying as the people who want it banned from all public places."

The way I read it, is that SIL has been told there is a side room available to feed in, if she wants to. She says she's fine, and is told that she'd probably be more comfortable if she was in there.

She has then, wrongly, assumed that she is being told that it's not about her comfort, but for the comfort of everyone else. But I can understand why she has assumed that, because my family would not have been comfortable with me feeding my 3 year old. But I would have done it anyway, because it's a family wedding and I would want to watch it properly. And actually, it's probably easier to watch whilst the children are feeding, at least you know they're not terrorising anyone!

I personally feel that it's making a bigger deal out of it by standing up whilst the ceremony/speeches are going on, shuffling out of the chair whilst holding a baby and grabbing your bags and perhaps your phone so you have something to do whilst you're feeding the children and not being involved in the day. It's a wedding, anyway - surely all eyes will be on the bride and nobody will give a shit if someone is just feeding their child!

I think the way to deal with such an overreaction is a two liner back, as someone said above - 'Really sorry if you've misunderstood, SIL can of course do whatever she's most comfortable with. Room is there for everyone's use (or not). Look forward to seeing you on the day!

Kills them with kindness, gives them no ammunition, makes them look like complete knobs. Job done. Anything else and you will get drawn into a spat and fall out. Is it worth it? Just let it all flow over you serenely...

Why would the three year old need feeding during the ceremony anyway. is this a George Clooney style three day affair?

I wouldn't apologise, so no "sorry". I'd actually be quite offended that he chose to send a rude email over picking up the phone and having a friendly chat. It is a rude email isn't it?

I've re-read a couple of times and I'd be massively p'd off with him. I'd also be wondering if I'd now have to put up with them turning the event into some sort of stupid demonstration of just how many times and how many inconvenient places "tandem breast feeding" can be carried out.
I never had the joy of tandem breast feeding, but I'd have certainly paused to consider the appropriateness of baring both breasts to feed in church - no matter how right on I expected the people sitting around me to be. I'd have fed a small baby discreetly to keep them quiet, but you can't feed a hulking great toddler in quite the same tidy manner.
I probably wouldn't be able to take the whole thing on my shoulders and do the big apology bit. I'm not nice enough. So the reply would be something like.

"I'm quite shocked that you have reacted to my comments in such a way. Why didn't you just pick up the phone and have a friendly chat? You know full well that I am supportive of breast feeding and did so myself. Personally I'd have been much more comfortable "tandem breastfeeding" in comfort with a bit of space around me, rather than sitting shoulder to shoulder in a church pew. Now that you mention feeding little x at the same time, I'm wondering how that will work. Maybe they could lay across the lap of whoever is sitting beside Laura? Anyway, you were being offered a choice that I thought might be more comfortable, not issued with an order for Laura to hide herself away. We hope you are still coming to the wedding, but if you decide not to please let us know as soon as possible".

Nickersinanot is much nicer, send her reply.

If this AIBU had been the other way round, maybe there would have been someone suggesting a similar sort of email to the one they wrote. Probably with more swearing

Your BIL sounds like one of those dickheads with wispy beards who bleats " now Aurora, kind hands" while his child is beating the crap out of yours.
He might actually be ok but he comes across as a pompous arse in that email.
Let your OH deal with it and be grateful they live 3 hours away.
Enjoy your wedding !

They can feed their kids however they want. She’s still doing it when the eldest is three, fair fucks. However, they must both be aware of the looks/reactions that a three year old hopping into his mum’s knee to join his baby sister will garner. I completely understand that they want to normalise EB, but someone else’s wedding ceremony is not the place to make this stand. Reception, yes, but not the ceremony.

Feeding a snuffly four month old is very different to having a three year old verbally request a feed. Then you have to juggle both onto your knee and get them latched on, all within a very limited space- you’ve probably got other baby bumpf sitting around you as well. The whole thing is bound to be distracting to other guests. And I bet if you tried to facilitate her needs by putting them at the back or on the outside of the seats (i.e., at the wall side, not in the aisle) you’d be accused of trying to ‘hide’ them. You can’t win. Say something non-committal as suggested above and let them decline the invite if they decide to stay offended.

"Why would the three year old need feeding during the ceremony anyway."

Because what another child is doing is always a million times more interesting than what you're doing. In the same way my toddler feels that someone else's food is tastier than his, even if it's the same food

Obviously they're being dicks with that long message. My best hope is they've got the wrong end of the stick. Personally I'd be slightly miffed if I was told I had to feed in another room, but wouldn't say anything for someone's wedding! I'd be happy to be offered it.

I would do the suggestion of saying 'oh crossed wires it's just there if you want it' and then see how they respond. Not much else you can do!

Is your BIL normally such a tosspot sensitive soul?

That email reads very much as if it was written by a woman.

Just saying.

Could you reply saying that you, as they know, are very pro-feeding but had mentioned the second room purely as a courtesy to them as you were concerned for her comfort and that of people around them due to potential lack of space. The decision as to whether they attend the wedding is totally theirs but you are, however, dismayed at the combative tone of the email and hope they will respect that this is your day

Can I ask, as its not clear to me from the post - would you prefer for her to BF in the adjoining room rather than sit with her top half bared feeding her two children during the ceremony?

TBH if shes tandem feeding then yes - not bothered about just feeding the 4 month old. But I'm not gonna at this stage say that to her, and make a fuss, we've got this far without a big hiccup and it's not worth the hassle IMO.

OH is drafting an email to send back, I've suggested we make sure SIl-to-be gets an end seat so if DN is kicking anyone it'll be BIL-to-be and no one else! Also think I will secretly swap seating plan - they're currently on a table with great-aunties and uncles, I'm gonna put them on a table with my more hippy liberal friends, and at the back of the room. If they even decide to come that is!