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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about SIL breastfeeding issue? Wedding related!

999 replies

SilverSalmon · 05/05/2015 13:08

I'm getting married in 5 weeks and there'll be 6 children at the wedding - 2 small babies and 4 toddlers. Next to the room where we're getting married is another room they use for smaller ceremonies, I asked if they could leave the door open for this in case people need to take out crying/tantrumming children (including my own 4yo DS!). They've agreed and will put sofas and a toy box in the room.

We were at my OH's parents at the weekend and his DB and wife were there. They are bringing their 2 children, our niece (4 months) and nephew (3yo) to the wedding. I told her about the room and said that I can get them sat near it just in case they need to pop out and settle or feed them (she's breastfeeding both). She said that if they need to feed she can just pull her dress down as its low cut, but I said she'll probably be more comfortable in the room as the seats are squahsed close together and may incur a lot of faffing. I've said the same to my cousin who is bring her 2 month old, who is bottle fed (and told SIL-to-be this).

Can I state at this point I'm very pro-breastfeeding, i breastfed DS until he was 2 years old, often in public, and would never ever adopy a 'there's a time and a place' attitude - however having breastfed a child of varying ages I know what a faff it can be especially when they're across your lap when someone is right next to you, so I gave the room idea as I thought it would be more comfortable for them and the children.

This morning OH has received the following email from his DB (names changed obviously):

Hi DB
Laura (SIL-to-be) and I have been discussing the issue of breastfeeding at your wedding and the fact she's been asked to go into another room if she needs to feed during the ceremony. I have to say I'm disappointed in you both as I thought you were pro-breastfeeding. Laura feels very vicitimised by this and we suspect it's because other guests may feel uncomfortable. In which case that's their issue, if they are offended by breasts being used for their natural function then they are welcome to turn their heads. Or, if it's like SilverSalmon says, and it's just for our comfort, we believe it would be easier to just get the children latched on rather than make the fuss of getting up and leaving the room.

I think it may be a good time to also mention that, as you know, Laura tandem feeds and because DS is still feeding when she latches DD on he usually comes up asking for some too. Meaning that it's highly likely that she'll need to tandem feed at various points during the day. We're happy with this and she has chosen a tandem-feeding friendly dress for this reason. Laura is not prepared to be shoved into a side room like she's doing something sordid, she wants to be part of the day too. So wether it be during the ceremony, dinner, speeches etc, she will need to tandem feed and is not prepared to leave the room to do it. I have to put the comfort and needs of my wife and children first. If you're not happy with this arrangement I'm afraid we won't be able to come - I'm not having any of us penalised because of our feeding choices. None of us would enjoy a day where the children and Laura are constantly seperate from me and the feeding is non-negotiable. It's up to you 2 but can you let us know asap and then we do things like cancel the hotel room and return our outfits. I hope you understand our point of view, I don't want to fall out with you but I didn't think breastfeeding would be such an issue!"

So mumsnet AIBU to be upset about this? I genuinely thought I was being helpful when I offered a side room for the ceremony. Help!

OP posts:
DrinkDraculaaa · 05/05/2015 13:31

I am pro-breastfeeding (I breastfed both my DC until 8 months) however breastfeeding a 4 month old at a wedding is fine but sitting down for a sit down meal and looking across to see a 3 year old and a 4 month old tandem feeding? Inappropriate.

DuelingFanjo · 05/05/2015 13:31

"but I said she'll probably be more comfortable in the room as the seats are squahsed close together and may incur a lot of faffing"

You have really not expressed yourself well here... you can't dictate to her how comfortable she will feel

However I think for your BIL to use the word 'Victimising' is a bit OTT.

If it were me I would respond with.

'As you know I am pro-breastfeeding and am sorry for causing offence. of Course SIL can breastfeed during the ceremony"

Of course their response was over the top but no need to make it worse by anything other than an apologetic and concise email IMO.

DinosaursRoar · 05/05/2015 13:32

I'd send DB one back saying "sorry for the mix up, I really didn't want SIL to feel she had to go into the other room, she can feed where she likes/feels comfortable, but it's there if she wants to or if [baby] isn't able to focus trying to feed in a busy, noisy room. Just so you know it's there and I've put you near the door incase during loud speaches she or you want to pop out with the little ones without needing it to be a fuss."

If they still are determined to be offended, there's not much else you can do.

grannytomine · 05/05/2015 13:33

I'd let your husband to be deal with it, its his brother.

Lavenderice · 05/05/2015 13:33

If it was up to me I'd univite them, but there are a lot more sensible replies in this thread.

marshmallowpies · 05/05/2015 13:33

If the chairs in the venue are close together, maybe say it's fine to feed wherever they want but perhaps choose an end of row seat, not for any reasons of prudishness or causing offence, but simply for space. Something like 'Space is very tight and there is not much elbow room, we support your right to feed 100% but we want to make sure all our guests are comfortable and can enjoy watching us get married'.

Two children feeding on one adults lap is bound to mean a bit of elbow digging of the person next to them if the seats are right side by side, I would have thought. Perhaps if the DH takes the seat next to them he can take the squashing rather than someone else. Or find another family member you know is unlikely to be bothered to sit nearby, to pick up one or other of the children or lend a hand if needed.

Seffina · 05/05/2015 13:33

I would feed a baby in the ceremony, better than them crying and I still get to see what's going on. As for the 3 year old, I can see what she's saying. DD was almost 4 when DS was born and was still feeding but generally only at night, and in a situation such as a wedding ceremony, I would weigh up whether it was easier all round to feed her or tell her she had to wait and deal with the possibility of a bit of a tantrum. I mean, normally I'd just say no and deal with anything that happened but in a quiet ceremony, anything to keep the peace, you know?

However, I did face criticism from family for continuing to feed that long, and sometimes you see it where it isn't intended, which may be what has happened here. It's easy to be over sensitive about breastfeeding if you get a lot of negative comments. From your OP, it doesn't sound like you wanted to 'force' her into the room, but it was done with her comfort in mind. It seems like a case of crossed wires and I don't think either of you ABU.

SuperMoonIsKeepingMeUpToo · 05/05/2015 13:34

Well I feel a bit sorry for the great grandparents etc who will be quite shocked by this inevitable spectacle. Don't blame you to take umbrage of the time of the email, OP, they sound rather militant and bonkers!

EponasWildDaughter · 05/05/2015 13:34

I vote for a simple email back saying:

'Misunderstanding here. The room has been arranged in case you or ANY OF THE OTHER PARENTS needs it. Neither of us are bothered by Laura's feeding arrangements.'

I don't think there's any need for an apology. I too think he has been super confrontational about this. You're the one due an apology. (but i don't suppose you'll get one, so i wouldn't hold your breath).

QueenofallIsee · 05/05/2015 13:34

I would be telling the sanctimonious tit where to go as below;

I find the tone of your email unutterably rude as I think that we were perfectly clear that the provisions were made for the comfort of mother and child, not bride and groom. We are offended at your assumption we are not pro breast feeding, and can see no reason for your ridiculous reaction other than a desire to create conflict over what should be a happy occasion - should I assume that the offer of a room with comfortable seating will see a breast feeding protest undertaken on our wedding day?

Please do return your outfits and I look forward to a Daily Mail headline.

However, I am easily annoyed.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 05/05/2015 13:34

Yanbu, sounds like your sil has an agenda with bf. I'm pro breastfeeding by the way, but come on, naked from the waist up, feeding a baby and a 3 year old, in the middle of a crowded room, and expecting everyone to either not pay attention or make comment? There is no way of being discrete in that scenario, how dare she make your wedding about her choices. You only offered the children's room, she could have politely said 'thanks but no thanks'. If I had that email, I would suggest that perhaps she, and her easily offended tandem boobs should stay home. (Obviously not, realistic, just point out there have been crossed wires, you support her choice, she can feed her kids whilst sat on the vicars lap if it makes her happy, etc).

Hissy · 05/05/2015 13:35

give em a ring and reassure them that they got completely the wrong end of the stick, and that you had made the same offer to all BF parents.

Your DH ought to tell his DB to unclench a bit, and pick up the phone and clarify before sending silly emails tbh.

they sound 'right on' to the point on mind numbingly boringly so

quietasamouse · 05/05/2015 13:35

SIL and BIL's lack of willingness to find any sort of compromise would change my opinion of them significantly I'm afraid.

AuntieStella · 05/05/2015 13:35

'I said she'll probably be more comfortable in the room'

They're picking a fight because you said the room with a sofa would be more comfortable.

Unless you were actually telling her you may only breastfeed in a certain zone you have done nothing wrong, indeed you have done something nice in pointing out the children's room might also be a good place to feed (and I bet it is).

I'd reply: "I am sorry that mentioning that the side room is more comfortable than the main room turned out to be so problematic. My aim was solely to highlight that it was available if you wanted and likely to be more comfortable. I am very sorry that you feel unable to attend because I mentioned this possibility and shall miss you on the day'

PennyJennyPie · 05/05/2015 13:36

I once went to a church wedding where someone started breastfeeding in the first pew, so relatively visible for the hole congregation. I found that unsuitable even though I am very pro BF. (especially swince said child had wailed for 10 minutes before this happened so the mother could very well have taken the baby out.)

Can I ask, as its not clear to me from the post - would you prefer for her to BF in the adjoining room rather than sit with her top half bared feeding her two children during the ceremony? I certainly would so you would have full support from me.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 05/05/2015 13:36

Yanbu.

It seems you've tried to make everything easy for them and their DC, and they've responded by being really ungrateful.

If I was to respond, I'd say that I was surprised they think I'm unsupportive of bf when they know I bf myself, and that the reason you had suggested she feed in the kids room is the chairs in the venue are less comfortable and there isn't a lot of space to feed.
If Laura would still prefer to feed in the venue this is of course fine, but as your guest her comfort is your first priority and you have done everything you can to ensure she has options to feed her DC in the most comfortable and convenient way possible.

I then might type out You ungrateful bastards and delete that bit before sending, because they are really breathtakingly self centred.

I can believe they have lectured you so pompously about breast feeding when you have breastfed yourself!

EponasWildDaughter · 05/05/2015 13:37

I think a short to the point email back will emphasise how enormously over the top his email is.

Grin
Heels99 · 05/05/2015 13:38

attention seekers who love a bit of drama.
She of course will tandem feed during the ceremony just because she will not be discriminated against etc etc to prove her point.
I personally would boak at this feeding plan at a wedding.
Hopefully they will leave relatively early.

DixieNormas · 05/05/2015 13:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nightshade · 05/05/2015 13:39

I would get your husband to respond....brother to brother....stay out of it....cheeky buggers...she obviously is not coping with the idea of going to the wedding and looking an excuse not to....I'd be delighted if a child room was on offer....

nickersinaknot · 05/05/2015 13:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Skeeter3 · 05/05/2015 13:40

So is the "I'm pro breastfeeding but..... similar to the "I'm not racist but.......?

Op you were bu, you let them know about the room but then CONTINUED to almost insist her use it. I'd be pissed off too, infact I'd probably refuse to go and just stay home happily and freely feeding my lo's.

balletnotlacrosse · 05/05/2015 13:40

They sound like a pair of precious, self focussed knobs who take themselves waaay too seriously.

And to be honest, given the age group at a wedding ceremony, it might make some people eg Great Uncle Bill feel uncomfortable, not to mention the faffing around in a quiet and crowded room, so what's the big deal about using a side room if it's there and available?

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 05/05/2015 13:41

I agree a polite email with "I'm sorry you misunderstood what I meant. The room is there for you to use or not as you prefer. That is all I meant. Hope you are still coming, please confirm by xxx.

Then I would have a rant to OH about what utter twunts they are. If a 3 yo can't wait for a feed of any kind (milk, grapes, chocolate, a sandwich or anything else) that's a pretty poor show unless it's one of those 5 hour weddings.

Seffina · 05/05/2015 13:41

"...but sitting down for a sit down meal and looking across to see a 3 year old and a 4 month old tandem feeding? Inappropriate."

Why? They're sitting down, having a meal. And you can't see what's in their mouth at the time, something you can't say about all adults! Smile

It's not about being determined to be offended. But there is a lot of criticism around for women who breastfeed when not hidden away in a room, or for doing it for longer than is deemed normal. Even the poster I quoted above used the word inappropriate. When you hear these things a lot, it does affect you. Look at me now, the criticism for feeding my child beyond infancy that I got makes me want to say something here!