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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about SIL breastfeeding issue? Wedding related!

999 replies

SilverSalmon · 05/05/2015 13:08

I'm getting married in 5 weeks and there'll be 6 children at the wedding - 2 small babies and 4 toddlers. Next to the room where we're getting married is another room they use for smaller ceremonies, I asked if they could leave the door open for this in case people need to take out crying/tantrumming children (including my own 4yo DS!). They've agreed and will put sofas and a toy box in the room.

We were at my OH's parents at the weekend and his DB and wife were there. They are bringing their 2 children, our niece (4 months) and nephew (3yo) to the wedding. I told her about the room and said that I can get them sat near it just in case they need to pop out and settle or feed them (she's breastfeeding both). She said that if they need to feed she can just pull her dress down as its low cut, but I said she'll probably be more comfortable in the room as the seats are squahsed close together and may incur a lot of faffing. I've said the same to my cousin who is bring her 2 month old, who is bottle fed (and told SIL-to-be this).

Can I state at this point I'm very pro-breastfeeding, i breastfed DS until he was 2 years old, often in public, and would never ever adopy a 'there's a time and a place' attitude - however having breastfed a child of varying ages I know what a faff it can be especially when they're across your lap when someone is right next to you, so I gave the room idea as I thought it would be more comfortable for them and the children.

This morning OH has received the following email from his DB (names changed obviously):

Hi DB
Laura (SIL-to-be) and I have been discussing the issue of breastfeeding at your wedding and the fact she's been asked to go into another room if she needs to feed during the ceremony. I have to say I'm disappointed in you both as I thought you were pro-breastfeeding. Laura feels very vicitimised by this and we suspect it's because other guests may feel uncomfortable. In which case that's their issue, if they are offended by breasts being used for their natural function then they are welcome to turn their heads. Or, if it's like SilverSalmon says, and it's just for our comfort, we believe it would be easier to just get the children latched on rather than make the fuss of getting up and leaving the room.

I think it may be a good time to also mention that, as you know, Laura tandem feeds and because DS is still feeding when she latches DD on he usually comes up asking for some too. Meaning that it's highly likely that she'll need to tandem feed at various points during the day. We're happy with this and she has chosen a tandem-feeding friendly dress for this reason. Laura is not prepared to be shoved into a side room like she's doing something sordid, she wants to be part of the day too. So wether it be during the ceremony, dinner, speeches etc, she will need to tandem feed and is not prepared to leave the room to do it. I have to put the comfort and needs of my wife and children first. If you're not happy with this arrangement I'm afraid we won't be able to come - I'm not having any of us penalised because of our feeding choices. None of us would enjoy a day where the children and Laura are constantly seperate from me and the feeding is non-negotiable. It's up to you 2 but can you let us know asap and then we do things like cancel the hotel room and return our outfits. I hope you understand our point of view, I don't want to fall out with you but I didn't think breastfeeding would be such an issue!"

So mumsnet AIBU to be upset about this? I genuinely thought I was being helpful when I offered a side room for the ceremony. Help!

OP posts:
Gennz · 07/05/2015 00:19

But i do agree with BFing. I was Bfing my son as I typed my post. I don't agree that anyone is such a privileged protected species that they can't be exposed to views that might not accord with their own.

Like I wish people would STFU about their views on childbirth when they find out that I chose to have C sections but I realise I don't have the right to force them to ... I just nod and say oh that's interesting, is that rght, o you think so and go on my merry way. I don't subject them to a Manifesto On The Appropriateness of Elective C-Sections For Maternal Request

Only1scoop · 07/05/2015 00:21

I'm actually picturing a lucky chimney sweep arriving on a tandem ....and sil riding off on it ....'tandem feeding friendly dress' billowing out behind....

I must be tired.

Bodyinpyjamas10 · 07/05/2015 00:21

Disclaimer for those with sensitivities.

Bf 4 till toddlerhood and have the knee mufflers to prove it. Sad

Weathergames · 07/05/2015 00:22

The rather extreme views are backing up
the view of the BIL being a twat and the SIL being a total drama queen about breast feeding.

Weathergames · 07/05/2015 00:23

And yes the tandem friendly dress is also making my mind boggle - are we up to 1000 yet?! Smile

CultureSucksDownWords · 07/05/2015 00:24

What are the extreme views weathergame?

Bodyinpyjamas10 · 07/05/2015 00:24

Exactly Weather

Still thinking through the tandem friendly dress

Baffled.

DixieNormas · 07/05/2015 00:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Weathergames · 07/05/2015 00:27

Figure it out for yourself - loads of them on all 400 pages.

I fed until 3 DC until 2 and a 1/2 (with much disdain from others) but the barriers of social norms would have prevented me whipping my boob out for a child over 6 months in the middle of any type of ceremony, never mind a family wedding.

DixieNormas · 07/05/2015 00:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CultureSucksDownWords · 07/05/2015 00:31

It's not about demanding special privilege, it's about managing to have a discussion without people bringing up the usual unpleasant digs and attacks on anyone who is perceived to be one of the "militant", "extreme", etc breastfeeding types.

But, go ahead, snigger and be cliquey about it in response.

Weathergames · 07/05/2015 00:34

BIL mentioning "tandem feeding" 390 times in his prickish email does make him look ridiculous, and turns it into a rather comedic situation.

That's why people are teasing - not about breast feeding a 3 year old.

Weathergames · 07/05/2015 00:35

Well I'm not anyway.

BestZebbie · 07/05/2015 00:35

I once tried to bf my cat. Sadly she wouldn't latch on, but if she had, could I bring her to the wedding? As a sort of babe in arms and a plus one combined?

Oh no! Perhaps she has tongue tie? :-)

Dieu · 07/05/2015 00:40

YANBU. A mother should be able to breastfeed her baby wherever she likes. The breastfeeding of a 3 year old is a different matter, as they don't need to be fed on demand. I breastfed all 3 of my kids, but feeding a 3 year old in full view of a wedding party just isn't necessary. I wish the thought didn't make me feel queasy but it does Sad

Weathergames · 07/05/2015 00:49

I also feel the sense of humour failure from the more evangelical posters on this thread (from the original email) does make others rather less keen on the subject think that ladies who breast feed past a year are all yoghurt weaving feminists who bang on about nothing else.

Which alienates people and makes them think we're weird, and isn't helpful.

Weathergames · 07/05/2015 00:53

Comparing it with being Gay also ridiculous, being Gay is not a lifestyle choice, you cannot choose when and where to be Gay - you are always Gay.

You can choose when and where and whether to breast feed.

Pony74 · 07/05/2015 01:05

Yeah but can everyone make a jambalaya? And I'm talking cross-species??

yearofthegoat · 07/05/2015 03:45

OP I have just read the thread and am fuming on your behalf. The tone of BIL's email was so rude that I would be uninviting on the grounds of that alone. BIL and SIL have no respect for you to speak to you like this

Your thoughtfulness is being thrown back in your face. I couldn't bear to spend money on feeding this family.

I am predicting there will be an upswing in the number of threads on MN next year that complain that a wedding they have been invited to is child free.

Koalafications · 07/05/2015 05:51

I doubt this debate will be resolved on this thread.

The arsey email and the attitude of the Laura and the BIL is what has got so many peoples backs up, I don't really think it's about the BF at all for most people.

FWIW, I can see both sides to this. I can see why those who are BF'ing toddlers or who have would be offended by these posts and feel that they need to defend the position of Laura and the BIL as it must feel like their choices are under attack.

But, I can also see why the posters who have complained about Laura and the BIL have done so, it's because their email is so bloody rude it makes them seem like unreasonable people, and it's hard to defend rudeness especially if what they are being rude about isn't the cultural 'norm'.

ragged · 07/05/2015 06:13

I owned & happily wore t-shirts with the words 'Millitant Breastfeeding Nazi' on them.
OP's situation is not about breast-feeding in my mind, either.

I'd rate it as PFBness if anything. yanbu to OP.

HazleNutt · 07/05/2015 06:29

No the tandem feeding friendly dress Laura is wearing does not have any panels. She's simply pulling her dress down, as she explained herself.

DixieNormas · 07/05/2015 06:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DixieNormas · 07/05/2015 06:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 07/05/2015 07:02

After the email that you sent OP, I'd be hoping for an apology from them tbh, along the lines of "oops misunderstanding sorry if the email was ott".

Or at least "thanks for the explanation".

Perhaps how they respond might be an indication of the people that they are!

Well, maybe be hearing from you in 5wks time, OP!

Hope all goes well on the day.