about SIL breastfeeding issue? Wedding related!

[SilverSalmon]

I'm getting married in 5 weeks and there'll be 6 children at the wedding - 2 small babies and 4 toddlers. Next to the room where we're getting married is another room they use for smaller ceremonies, I asked if they could leave the door open for this in case people need to take out crying/tantrumming children (including my own 4yo DS!). They've agreed and will put sofas and a toy box in the room.

We were at my OH's parents at the weekend and his DB and wife were there. They are bringing their 2 children, our niece (4 months) and nephew (3yo) to the wedding. I told her about the room and said that I can get them sat near it just in case they need to pop out and settle or feed them (she's breastfeeding both). She said that if they need to feed she can just pull her dress down as its low cut, but I said she'll probably be more comfortable in the room as the seats are squahsed close together and may incur a lot of faffing. I've said the same to my cousin who is bring her 2 month old, who is bottle fed (and told SIL-to-be this).

Can I state at this point I'm very pro-breastfeeding, i breastfed DS until he was 2 years old, often in public, and would never ever adopy a 'there's a time and a place' attitude - however having breastfed a child of varying ages I know what a faff it can be especially when they're across your lap when someone is right next to you, so I gave the room idea as I thought it would be more comfortable for them and the children.

This morning OH has received the following email from his DB (names changed obviously):

Hi DB
Laura (SIL-to-be) and I have been discussing the issue of breastfeeding at your wedding and the fact she's been asked to go into another room if she needs to feed during the ceremony. I have to say I'm disappointed in you both as I thought you were pro-breastfeeding. Laura feels very vicitimised by this and we suspect it's because other guests may feel uncomfortable. In which case that's their issue, if they are offended by breasts being used for their natural function then they are welcome to turn their heads. Or, if it's like SilverSalmon says, and it's just for our comfort, we believe it would be easier to just get the children latched on rather than make the fuss of getting up and leaving the room.

I think it may be a good time to also mention that, as you know, Laura tandem feeds and because DS is still feeding when she latches DD on he usually comes up asking for some too. Meaning that it's highly likely that she'll need to tandem feed at various points during the day. We're happy with this and she has chosen a tandem-feeding friendly dress for this reason. Laura is not prepared to be shoved into a side room like she's doing something sordid, she wants to be part of the day too. So wether it be during the ceremony, dinner, speeches etc, she will need to tandem feed and is not prepared to leave the room to do it. I have to put the comfort and needs of my wife and children first. If you're not happy with this arrangement I'm afraid we won't be able to come - I'm not having any of us penalised because of our feeding choices. None of us would enjoy a day where the children and Laura are constantly seperate from me and the feeding is non-negotiable. It's up to you 2 but can you let us know asap and then we do things like cancel the hotel room and return our outfits. I hope you understand our point of view, I don't want to fall out with you but I didn't think breastfeeding would be such an issue!"

So mumsnet AIBU to be upset about this? I genuinely thought I was being helpful when I offered a side room for the ceremony. Help!

"surely the 'cut-off' isn't the age of the child when breast milk is still offered, but the age at which it's reasonable to stop offering it on demand."

I think it kind of depends on what you mean by "on demand" in the case of an older baby. I do think it's perfectly reasonable for a toddler not to have a breastfeed every single time they ask for it, but I wouldn't necessarily refuse him if he asked to feed during the day just because "we don't feed during the day"/"we only feed when I say it's time to feed" (while I would refuse him for a variety of reasons including "we are on the bus", "you just had one", "I am trying to eat my dinner", and "I just don't want to right now").

And I'm sure there are a lot of people who think there's a definite "cut off" after which a baby should not be breastfeeding at all, even if it's just morning and evening.

There are times when bf in public just isn't reasonable. A wedding is one of them

But why? I really can't see what the problem is in getting a baby to latch on and feed quietly, rather than having all the faff of getting up and leaving with the baby yelling all the way. There's a picture upthread of an MNer breastfeeding in a cafe where all you can see is the baby's head: would that really be so inappropriate at a wedding? I accept that tandem feeding is going to involve more disruption, but in principle I really can't see what's wrong with breastfeeding during a wedding.

Yes, I've BF plenty of times at weddings, I'm not sure if anyone even noticed. I do agree that a 3 year old should be able to wait especially if their feed is likely to involve a big leg-flailing farrago, but like the PP don't see anything wrong in principle with BF during weddings.

Take heart people,less than 200 posts left

Op, I've asked before, the email is twattish but don't you feel awkward copying and pasting a private email onto a pubic Forum for people to judge?

It sounds very much as though it was written by a MNer. Possibly after an AIBU that my SIL has forbidden me to BF at her wedding?

BTW, OP, I thought your reply was perfect: reasonable and polite.

Cutoff point? I used to think I would stop at six months then I changed my mind when there was that big hoopla about kids who are bf til age 1 countries getting better paid jobs so I guess I will try to keep it up until a year. My sis had planned to stop at a year but her ds had other ideas and she is still feeding him at 22 months, so who knows? I may be the same but I really hope not.

My dd is 3 months, and quite frankly, other than the fact that I can give her boob to keep her quiet and settle her, and there's no faff with sterilising bottles etc, I find bfing a total pain in the arse. I honestly cannot imagine anything worse than tandem feeding a 3 year old and 4 month old in the middle of a wedding, the very thought makes me want to cry, but each to their own I suppose. I can't wait until dd is big enough for me to start having food as well as breast milk when she's hungry. This may have something to do with the fact that she started teething at not much more than 2 months.

Giantbabymama, BF is really soooooo much easier once they're older/on solids. You're not their sole food source any more, their feeds space out a lot and tend to only take a couple of minutes, you can skip feeds with impunity, etc. I think a lot of people think of BF as only being like the early days, when it can be pretty relentless. I don't think many people would feed into toddlerhood if it continued to be like feeding a 3 month old!

Has anyone actually mentioned the fact yet that if she sits on the end seat of a row there is absolutely no reason why anyone should be disturbed while she slips out with the presumably whining toddler and hungry baby. That's what a normal, reasonably person would do. Though from what I hear of the SIL, it would be more a case of sitting herself deliberately in the middle of the row so that if she did decide to leave the room, there would be amid a great ostentatious round of "EXCUSE ME I NEED TO LEAVE THE ROOM TO BREASTFEED MY CHILDREN SO I DON'T DISTURB THE CEREMONY, EXCUSE ME COULD I SQUEEZE PAST" etc.

Wow this is still going?

I'm with the people who think there is nothing unusual in BFing a small baby during a wedding. However tandem feeding a child along with the small baby is slightly more unusual. No matter what the wrongs and the rights are, then this would be what people would remember about that particular wedding ceremony.

Gosh this thread has got a lot more bizarre since I was last here.

Oh well.

One of the madder threads.

Ah now. It's no penis beaker.

from what I hear of the SIL, it would be more a case of sitting herself deliberately in the middle of the row so that if she did decide to leave the room, there would be amid a great ostentatious round of "EXCUSE ME I NEED TO LEAVE THE ROOM TO BREASTFEED MY CHILDREN SO I DON'T DISTURB THE CEREMONY, EXCUSE ME COULD I SQUEEZE PAST" etc.

I do hope the OP will return to regale us with stories of the SIL wandering round with her tits hanging out just in case the 3YO fancies a snack and announcing each imminent tandem BFing session in order to garner the largest possible collection of admirers.

Heaven forbid she should disappoint everyone by quickly and quietly latching her children on when they want to feed in such a way that nobody notices.

I only said the above in response to the email which was sent to the OP.

However if you would prefer to think that's what I think about all women who BF in public, you can ignore my subsequent post if you like

And I think it has been said quite a lot that if I were in the middle of a tightly packed row of people at a wedding and someone starts BFing a three old and a baby at the same time next to me or in front of me, yes I would notice. So would quite a lot of people. No I wouldn't think anything was inherently wrong with it of course. However if I have the three year old's head in my shoulder or his feet drumming my lap, yes my attention would by diverted from the ceremony and I might feel a bit pissed off by the fact. And yes there will be people in the audience who may feel a little uncomfortable at the sight of someone having to do the necessary in order to get both these children fed at the same time. It may be their problem not the parent in question's yadda yadda but it still wouldn't stop that feeling. Sorry.

Absolutely everybody notices a 3 yr old scrabbling for the breast. To suggest otherwise is disingenuous. Or dim.

So why shouldn't 10 year olds still be breast fed then, or 20 year olds?

[Eye roll emoticon]

...seem ok in person, several days pass, and then you get a furious bizarre email making it clear they've been having increasingly ranty conversations with you inside their own heads.

Haha I have ranty conversations with people in my head. They don't tend to progress to emails though. Except this one time (at band camp) when someone tried to shove me in a side room at a wedding because I was tandem feeding...

"Absolutely everybody notices a 3 yr old scrabbling for the breast."

Though they do tend not to scrabble at that stage, no? I mean, they're still BF but that doesn't mean they behave like little babies. Mine is long over the pulling at top stage and just asks for "milk time". Perhaps I have raised an uncommonly polite toddler, or brought him to too many restaurants. He'll be asking for me to read him the specials before he orders next...

And no, I wouldn't feed him if his feet were going to be in someone's lap.

And no, I wouldn't feed him if his feet were going to be in someones lap

And I spose the issue here is it appears that SiL would.

and here , folks is why we should not have children at weddings !

ps can we get a photo of the tandem suitable dress?

I presume any breastfeeding dress is a tandem-suitable dress, I'm not sure why it is being discussed as if it's some kind of crazy thing you'd need photos of because it'll be So Weird. Possibly referring to it as tandem-suitable is a bit peculiar, but maybe if you tend to just hoik down a bit of your neckline for one baby it doesn't work for two with all frocks.

This seems life SIL is gearing up for a sadface daily mail article. I just weaned dd at 34 months so I've done a lot of breastfeeding but got increasingly irritated by what Farage would call ostentatious breastfeeding...making a big deal of it in the hope that someone will discriminate against you. Then you get sympathy from other breastfeeding mothers and, if you're lucky, a feed-in.

Anyone remember the spa thread??

Absolutely everybody notices a 3 yr old scrabbling for the breast. To suggest otherwise is disingenuous. Or dim.

Not sure I've ever seen a 3YO scrabbling for the breast but I guess if he or she were to scrabble and make lots of noise, people would, as you say notice.

My experience of toddlers BFing is that it is a pretty calm quiet affair that nobody other than someone facing them is likely to notice.

OP, be sure to include detailed descriptions of scrabbling please

The only times I've seen kids above 2yo breastfeeding in public it was a spectacle. Very assertive toddlers not used to waiting or willing to ask much less wait discretely.

I breastfed all mine to at least 18 months.
I'm just amazed that anyone would want to tandem feed a big kid during a wedding; I'd hate to be a distraction like that.