about SIL breastfeeding issue? Wedding related!

[SilverSalmon]

I'm getting married in 5 weeks and there'll be 6 children at the wedding - 2 small babies and 4 toddlers. Next to the room where we're getting married is another room they use for smaller ceremonies, I asked if they could leave the door open for this in case people need to take out crying/tantrumming children (including my own 4yo DS!). They've agreed and will put sofas and a toy box in the room.

We were at my OH's parents at the weekend and his DB and wife were there. They are bringing their 2 children, our niece (4 months) and nephew (3yo) to the wedding. I told her about the room and said that I can get them sat near it just in case they need to pop out and settle or feed them (she's breastfeeding both). She said that if they need to feed she can just pull her dress down as its low cut, but I said she'll probably be more comfortable in the room as the seats are squahsed close together and may incur a lot of faffing. I've said the same to my cousin who is bring her 2 month old, who is bottle fed (and told SIL-to-be this).

Can I state at this point I'm very pro-breastfeeding, i breastfed DS until he was 2 years old, often in public, and would never ever adopy a 'there's a time and a place' attitude - however having breastfed a child of varying ages I know what a faff it can be especially when they're across your lap when someone is right next to you, so I gave the room idea as I thought it would be more comfortable for them and the children.

This morning OH has received the following email from his DB (names changed obviously):

Hi DB
Laura (SIL-to-be) and I have been discussing the issue of breastfeeding at your wedding and the fact she's been asked to go into another room if she needs to feed during the ceremony. I have to say I'm disappointed in you both as I thought you were pro-breastfeeding. Laura feels very vicitimised by this and we suspect it's because other guests may feel uncomfortable. In which case that's their issue, if they are offended by breasts being used for their natural function then they are welcome to turn their heads. Or, if it's like SilverSalmon says, and it's just for our comfort, we believe it would be easier to just get the children latched on rather than make the fuss of getting up and leaving the room.

I think it may be a good time to also mention that, as you know, Laura tandem feeds and because DS is still feeding when she latches DD on he usually comes up asking for some too. Meaning that it's highly likely that she'll need to tandem feed at various points during the day. We're happy with this and she has chosen a tandem-feeding friendly dress for this reason. Laura is not prepared to be shoved into a side room like she's doing something sordid, she wants to be part of the day too. So wether it be during the ceremony, dinner, speeches etc, she will need to tandem feed and is not prepared to leave the room to do it. I have to put the comfort and needs of my wife and children first. If you're not happy with this arrangement I'm afraid we won't be able to come - I'm not having any of us penalised because of our feeding choices. None of us would enjoy a day where the children and Laura are constantly seperate from me and the feeding is non-negotiable. It's up to you 2 but can you let us know asap and then we do things like cancel the hotel room and return our outfits. I hope you understand our point of view, I don't want to fall out with you but I didn't think breastfeeding would be such an issue!"

So mumsnet AIBU to be upset about this? I genuinely thought I was being helpful when I offered a side room for the ceremony. Help!

Not being obtuse, have read the whole thread, and I am well aware that people have different opinions. It's just that I don't understand those opinions and am asking for clarification.

I have agreed many times that Laura/her DH have over reacted. I'm responding to other posters.

Totally agree HoppingGreen.

I am not the first poster to mention the breastfeeding mafia on this thread Seffina. They are the ones who populate the top end of the scale outlined by Hopping.

Get that baby out of the shitting pub.

Down - not at all, I'm not taking away her right to breastfeed either child. But like others have pointed out, breastfeeding a 3yo isn't necessary in the middle of a ceremony that will only last 20 minutes, and will cause a distraction. Whether we like it or not it is an unusual and, for many, shocking thing to see a woman tandem feeding a newborn and a toddler. A lot of people not used to it will stare and I just don't want it distracting from the main event (yeah yeah Bridezilla and all that but I only get to do this day once and I am looking forward to being the bride for the day, god knows we've forked out for it too). Just because I think my nephew could wait for 20 minutes before his feed, and she can do it in a place which is means less fuss, doesn't mean I don't support her right to a breastfeeding relationship with her children

"At 3yrs, at a social function its the time to placate a 3 year old child by other methods. That is all."

But why are other methods more preferable to breastfeeding, particularly if for a specific child it is the quickest and quietest way to placate them? Why is a dummy, for example, better?

I'm not the only poster to come to that conclusion, incredible as it may seem.

" I can feed my 10 year old whenever or wherever I want"

Well, isn't that pretty unlikely, given that 10 year olds (in general) can't latch on? Babies lose the ability to do it around the time they get their adult teeth, the jaw shape changes too much. It's not like if you don't forcibly wean children they'll keep breastfeeding forever, "hilarious" remarks about feeding hideously infantilized teenagers notwithstanding.

I didn't know I was in a mafia. When do I get to start putting horse's heads in people's beds?

" Nothing has been 'aimed at bf mothers' honestly, its just incredible that you've come to that conclusion."

Actually, several people have come to that conclusion, including the OP. She's repeatedly said that she finds the more general remarks about BF toddlers upsetting/depressing.

I think the vast majority of Mumsnetters support breast feeding and either are doing or have done it in the past. I bf both my kids.

What really annoyed me about the bil's email was the passive aggression and the sense of entitlement that came across. It was all about THEM and THEIR requirements. For christ's sake, it's the op's wedding day.

It is not completely outrageous to suggest that people might feel awkward around someone tandem feeding a three year old or breast feeding at all. After I had my dd, I was visited by my elderly (childless) cousin and her husband. They sat opposite me as I bf my dd and froze like rabbits in headlights. They couldn't look away/ couldn't move, it was a moment of pure awkwardness. Obviously, I didn't feel compelled to stop or apologise, but it did make me more aware of how uncomfortable it can make other people feel. Like MiddleAged said, it is a case of different worlds colliding.

This is about this ONE day. This ONE block of time. This ONE occasion where the bride at her OWN WEDDING DAY would like for the mother to move a few steps into the adjoined room, where comfort has been provided, to feed her three year old. Because, apparently, it's outside the realms of understanding for some people that it's ok to tell a three year old "not now" when there is something else going on.

I've never seen people stare at a woman who is breastfeeding, especially if there is something else going on. People may notice, but I have not experienced staring. More of a "oh, that baby/child is having some milk" kind of way .Obviously, others have different experiences...

Maybe I just don't notice these things, or maybe I've never been in a situation where anybody cares.

[shrugs]

"Get that baby out of the shitting pub."

That was me, yes? It was actually a very nice brewpub in Denmark that did good food as well. Families all over the place. Nobody batting an eyelid at the nursing toddler.

Incidentally, said baby couldn't "man up" and wait for a feed as he'd broken his arm the previous day and was still a bit clingy.

purdiepie

Get off the shitting thread.

Prat.

But by 3 most children understand they need to wait/take turns/share and generally behave fairly quietly in a ceremony situation. The ones who can't should he removed from the situation as it's totally unfair to the bride/groom.

And of course people will stare at someone feeding a baby and toddler from each boob simultaneously.

The rights and wrongs of it are irrelevant. People will stare or be distracted and that's totally unfair to the wedding party.

I was bf my 16 month old and new born at the same time but never in tandem in public. There's absolutely no need. They take turns

I'm still quite shocked that you copied and pasted a personal email, OP and I'm awaiting the arrival of SIL who sounds like a Mner

However I am finely balancing my judginess and my desire to ask what your reply email said as I can't be fucked to search back through the thread for lidll's suggestion

It sounds like they are defensive of their parenting choices and you can see why given some of the comments on this thread.

Fine to offer the other room, not Ok to insist on it.

I have tandem fed children of those ages, it's perfectly possible to do it and not have people notice, am assuming the other guests will be busy watching the bride and groom like you do at a wedding.

The email is over the top but I would suspect that have been subject to other comments and judgements on the fact they are choosing to bfeed their toddler and the baby. There is a huge amount of misinformation around bfeeding and attitudes about where it should/should not be done.

Op I think it was a misunderstanding, I hope your day goes smoothly and is everything you hope for.

GetMe personal attacks are not allowed. However much annoyed you are. You will get deleted and banned. Calm down.

Also can we cut out the cringey 'breastfeeding mafia' bollocks - I'm just waiting now for Brestapo and breastfeeding nazi nonsense to come out

Or what 5madthings said

"Oh leedy I think purple was joking."

Trying and failing at humour, perhaps.

Lady I will let you have that. I think I would rather eat my own arm than engage in perhaps the most mind numbingly ridiculous comparison between a 3 year old not needing to feed during a ceremony and a wedding not needing vows, food etc

Love the way you're pretending you have a choice in the matter missing. You were clearly quite happy to wade in, but when it comes to justification beyond 'because I say so' you were sadly lacking.

lady I encourage you to check out the UNicEF statistic for infant and young child feeding. Also the WHO have some equally interesting statistics. Kellymom website has links to statstiics from various government, health and other organisations. Its useful to analyse the data in depth. I agree the 4.2 statistic is a tricky one but non the less is a handy tool when discussing toddler feeding with hostile audience. But I agree saying weaning is normal between 2_7 if not interfered with is better with a wider target audience.

Could you perhaps link me to the stats showing the global average age of weaning is 4.2 rainbow? It's just I've checked those sites, and more, and not been able to find any actual data showing that. I've seen lots of unverified claims, certainly, it's clearly a popular one amongst certain sections of the lactivist community. But no actual proof. Until and unless you cam find any, I'm afraid the 4.2 years claim will continue to be the opposite of useful.

I'm not sure why the reasoned, logical and calm breastfeeding posters are getting all up in the boughs about the term breastfeeding mafia.

IF you're not part of it, you've nothing to worry about!

Honestly OP, I doubt you'll even notice whether people are looking at you or not. I was too busy remembering to say the right name and everything (joke!)

And if people are rude enough to stare at someone else whilst YOU are getting married, then fuck em.

There are two worlds clashing here - the world of mums with young children who are used to breast feeding in public and don't think it is unusual. The other world is everybody else - older people who would never have breast fed in public in their day, kids who are older and haven't seen anybody breastfeed, couples without kids, single men and so on.

and a third world - that of the rude and professionally offended...

Good luck OP - and best wishes for a wonderful (and trouble free) wedding!

This your first post op?

"IF you're not part of it, you've nothing to worry about!"

Yes, except for the fact that in some circles doing anything except breastfeeding a newborn very quietly in a basement behind a locked door marked Beware Of The Leopard (Also Formula's Just As Good As Breastfeeding These Days, There's No Difference Really) gets you labelled as some kind of lactation fascist. "You're just doing that in public to make a statement!", "You're making other mothers feel bad and giving them PND!", etc. etc.

There are definitely people who are a bit weird about BF (I've met some of them), but they're a small minority.