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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about SIL breastfeeding issue? Wedding related!

999 replies

SilverSalmon · 05/05/2015 13:08

I'm getting married in 5 weeks and there'll be 6 children at the wedding - 2 small babies and 4 toddlers. Next to the room where we're getting married is another room they use for smaller ceremonies, I asked if they could leave the door open for this in case people need to take out crying/tantrumming children (including my own 4yo DS!). They've agreed and will put sofas and a toy box in the room.

We were at my OH's parents at the weekend and his DB and wife were there. They are bringing their 2 children, our niece (4 months) and nephew (3yo) to the wedding. I told her about the room and said that I can get them sat near it just in case they need to pop out and settle or feed them (she's breastfeeding both). She said that if they need to feed she can just pull her dress down as its low cut, but I said she'll probably be more comfortable in the room as the seats are squahsed close together and may incur a lot of faffing. I've said the same to my cousin who is bring her 2 month old, who is bottle fed (and told SIL-to-be this).

Can I state at this point I'm very pro-breastfeeding, i breastfed DS until he was 2 years old, often in public, and would never ever adopy a 'there's a time and a place' attitude - however having breastfed a child of varying ages I know what a faff it can be especially when they're across your lap when someone is right next to you, so I gave the room idea as I thought it would be more comfortable for them and the children.

This morning OH has received the following email from his DB (names changed obviously):

Hi DB
Laura (SIL-to-be) and I have been discussing the issue of breastfeeding at your wedding and the fact she's been asked to go into another room if she needs to feed during the ceremony. I have to say I'm disappointed in you both as I thought you were pro-breastfeeding. Laura feels very vicitimised by this and we suspect it's because other guests may feel uncomfortable. In which case that's their issue, if they are offended by breasts being used for their natural function then they are welcome to turn their heads. Or, if it's like SilverSalmon says, and it's just for our comfort, we believe it would be easier to just get the children latched on rather than make the fuss of getting up and leaving the room.

I think it may be a good time to also mention that, as you know, Laura tandem feeds and because DS is still feeding when she latches DD on he usually comes up asking for some too. Meaning that it's highly likely that she'll need to tandem feed at various points during the day. We're happy with this and she has chosen a tandem-feeding friendly dress for this reason. Laura is not prepared to be shoved into a side room like she's doing something sordid, she wants to be part of the day too. So wether it be during the ceremony, dinner, speeches etc, she will need to tandem feed and is not prepared to leave the room to do it. I have to put the comfort and needs of my wife and children first. If you're not happy with this arrangement I'm afraid we won't be able to come - I'm not having any of us penalised because of our feeding choices. None of us would enjoy a day where the children and Laura are constantly seperate from me and the feeding is non-negotiable. It's up to you 2 but can you let us know asap and then we do things like cancel the hotel room and return our outfits. I hope you understand our point of view, I don't want to fall out with you but I didn't think breastfeeding would be such an issue!"

So mumsnet AIBU to be upset about this? I genuinely thought I was being helpful when I offered a side room for the ceremony. Help!

OP posts:
sleeponeday · 06/05/2015 01:45

They're rude and entitled.

I'm currently BF a toddler, incidentally. I'm a signed up lactivist... but also a (mostly) reasonable human being. It's someone's bloody wedding, and if I want to tandem feed, and they offer a private room, then I'd tandem feed there. Same would apply to a 3 year old, actually. Reception, and I'd go for it. Actual ceremony? Um, no. It is NOT a frequently seen event, sadly - toddler feeding, never mind tandem-including-a-toddler. It would detract from the actual wedding ceremony as a result. So the DB and wife need to grow up and consider other people have needs and feelings, apart from their precious selves and the fruit of their loins.

BrockAuLit · 06/05/2015 01:45

FFS it's wedding! Which means that anyone who can't quietly watch the b&g exchange vows shouldn't be there. Old person who can't be relied upon to sit still and quietly, down to baby who can't be kept silent - just go to another room! A short disruption to sort out the interruption might be fine (latch a baby on, hold the old person's hand and calming them etc), but tandem feeding a bloody 4mo and a 3 yo WILL distract and cause a disruption - that's just a fact and it's not the b&g's fault. This isn't a tribal wedding in the depths of the Papua New Guinea rainforest. Bfing two children at the same time, one of whom is 3yo, during a wedding, is not an everyday occurrence, no matter how much the bf warriors want it to be.

sleeponeday · 06/05/2015 01:48

And I missed a wedding I really, really wanted to witness because DS started to kick off at age 2 almost as soon as the bride walked in. I was gutted, but didn't want to mess up their big day.

Some parents need to get a grip. The world does not revolve around their offspring and the sooner the parents and offspring start to involve consideration for others in their calculations, the better for all concerned. Not giving a stuff about a couple marrying during the actual ceremony if their big moment and the desire of all parties present to share in it in any way inconveniences Junior is Parentzilla behaviour to the nth degree.

Abloodybigholeintheground · 06/05/2015 02:09

I fed all of my kids for minimum of 12 months. If I'd been offered a room at a wedding I would have jumped at the chance! Comfy seat, away from the hustle and bustle, a chance to settle down and let the relaxin kick in, have a little snooze... They are just been militant and precious. Better off if they don't come I would say!!

NobodyLivesHere · 06/05/2015 02:57

oh for the love of muff.

feed the baby before the ceremony. no toddler will then want to feed wheh his sister does. job done.

alternatively, return your suits and replace them with a giant box of grips.

derxa · 06/05/2015 03:33

I bf both my children so not anti at all. However the idea of this tandem feeding going on in the middle of a wedding has left me with tears running down my face - tears of laughter. If you hadn't provided a room then they would have complained about that. I would be grovellingly apologetic. Let them do exactly as they wish. Have a lovely day OP.

MythicalKings · 06/05/2015 06:34

I'm pretty sure that Laura will make a point of tandem feeding at the most inconvenient times for everyone else. Obviously and noisily.

Some entitled people have to make every occasion about them. And she's one of them.

MrsMook · 06/05/2015 06:52

When mine were 4 months old, feeding in situ would have been most likely to be my preferred option and least disruptive.

When Ds2 was approaching 2 and I stopped, I wouldn't have considered feeding in situ appropriate because his size was getting more ungainly to hold. A major factor in stopping then was that he was beginning to demand milk loudly at awkward moments, and I didn't want to go down that route.

Logistically, I just can't visualise feeding both children on a small seat, with a dress pulled down (rather than with parts that stay up) as not being of distraction to others.

If a bottle of milk was pulled out for the baby during the ceremony, no one would blink, but pulling out one for the 3 year old too would raise eyebrows, even though drinking milk is normal, and a bottle may be a comfort.

The original suggestion for comfort was slightly over zealous when it was reinforced, but the response back was unreasonable.

SoupDragon · 06/05/2015 07:10

There's so much stuff you can't do while you're BFing

Actually there is very little you can't do.

BF-ing is antifeminist?

SoupDragon · 06/05/2015 07:11

Bf-ing is anti-feminitst? What a load of complete and utter bollocks.

SoupDragon · 06/05/2015 07:12

Actually, that is the sort of bollocks that makes me block all the feminist boards.

Seffina · 06/05/2015 07:17

I'll ask again, because it's come up again overnight.

What is it about breastfeeding that makes people feel uncomfortable or why wouldn't they want to sit near someone who is breastfeeding?

The disruption issue is a red herring as we have no idea how these two particular children will behave whilst feeding or generally at the ceremony. Maybe they are nice, quiet and well behaved. Maybe not. So we can't possibly say how much disruption would be cause by either taking them out or feeding them there and then. In my case, it would probably have been easier to feed where I was than move.

Seffina · 06/05/2015 07:19

I fed my 3 year old on demand after the birth of her brother. It was what worked best for us at the time whilst she adjusted to the new baby in our lives. After a while, we went back to bedtimes only.

If she wants to feed her toddler on demand that's up to her, and surely it's more anti feminist to tell her not to.

lambsie · 06/05/2015 07:20

I think leaving or staying when kids make a noise depends upon what the bride and groom want. During a recent wedding, ds made some loud happy noises but we didn't take him out because they wouldn't have wanted that. We kept him quiet most of the time by quietly giving him snacks but if he had been continually noisy we would have taken him out.

Seffina · 06/05/2015 07:23

There are lots of things that 3 year olds don't need.

Breastmilk
Dummies
Chocolate
Ice cream
Family holidays
Juice

Are we really going to start restricting children to only having things they need? Or is it just breastmilk that makes people panicky?

Justusemyname · 06/05/2015 07:28

No saying sorry. No saying of course Laura can fed where she wants. Just reply that they are of course mistaken about the offer of a room's meaning. You were trying to be accommodating to all parents of young children but as it sounds like they don't want to come you'll give their invitation to someone else... Saying the words at the beginning of my list makes it seem like you have done something wrong and you need to grovel.

oddfodd · 06/05/2015 07:32

I have no issue with people being up to school age. But just as I wouldn't give my 3 year old chocolate, ice cream or juice during a wedding ceremony, I wouldn't breastfeed them either.

And that's the point. This has nothing to do with being anti-breastfeeding 3 year olds despite some people's determination to feel 'victimised' (TM the SIL)

oddfodd · 06/05/2015 07:33

Being = breastfeeding!

MythicalKings · 06/05/2015 07:35

What is it about breastfeeding that makes people feel uncomfortable or why wouldn't they want to sit near someone who is breastfeeding?

In most circumstances it wouldn't bother me at all. But there are some times when tandem feeding a 3 year old child and a baby would be an unwelcome, unavoidable distraction. Like during a wedding ceremony, or a concert, or the cinema, or the wedding speeches at a wedding I've been looking forward to.

Or on a plane. Anywhere where seats are close together and the activity of the person next to me is intrusive.

morage · 06/05/2015 07:36

I am just wondering how physically you can tandem feed a baby and toddler in a room with the chairs tightly packed together. I can't see how there would be the room to do that.

Seffina · 06/05/2015 07:37

But oddfodd do you really want to be the parent with the noisy child in a quiet wedding ceremony? Do you want to have to leave the room instead of watching the ceremony?

I'm not saying that we should be giving in to our 3 year olds all the time but sometimes you have to weigh up what would be easier for everyone and sometimes that means doing something you might not normally to keep them quiet. I mentioned chocolate as someone up thread said that they should give the 3 year old chocolate buttons to keep him occupied rather than breastfeeding him. I don't personally see the difference.

Seffina · 06/05/2015 07:40

Why would it distract you from something you had been looking forward to? The baby or toddler themselves would be more distracting than the act of breastfeeding them.

In all those situations, my attention would be focussed on what I was watching, rather than the person next to me with the quiet child.

SoldierBear · 06/05/2015 07:41

They have gone out of their way to deliberately cause offense and seem determined to make this day about Laura's right to BF.
They are never going to be happy.
Do not apologise or tell her she can do what she wants as that is just going to increase their smugness.
If they cannot refrain from BF a 3 year old during a wedding ceremony which IS going to be disruptive and inconvenient for everyone else seated nearby and cannot see that there are time when you can and should put others before your desire to BF a three year old at any time, then they are going to be crap guests who think the day should be organised atound them

Justusemyname · 06/05/2015 07:43

I'm going to be charitable. Maybe Laura is insecure and wants validation for what an amazing job she is doing....

MythicalKings · 06/05/2015 07:46

In all those situations, my attention would be focussed on what I was watching, rather than the person next to me with the quiet child.

Children not child, 2 of them. Feeding in a confined space which, normally, would be for one adult. You don't think the three of them will encroach on the personal space of those around them? Especially as Laura will be making a song and dance about it because that's the sort of person she is, as is apparent from the ridiculously pompous email.

In those circumstances it would be impossible to focus on what I wanted to see.