about SIL breastfeeding issue? Wedding related!

[SilverSalmon]

I'm getting married in 5 weeks and there'll be 6 children at the wedding - 2 small babies and 4 toddlers. Next to the room where we're getting married is another room they use for smaller ceremonies, I asked if they could leave the door open for this in case people need to take out crying/tantrumming children (including my own 4yo DS!). They've agreed and will put sofas and a toy box in the room.

We were at my OH's parents at the weekend and his DB and wife were there. They are bringing their 2 children, our niece (4 months) and nephew (3yo) to the wedding. I told her about the room and said that I can get them sat near it just in case they need to pop out and settle or feed them (she's breastfeeding both). She said that if they need to feed she can just pull her dress down as its low cut, but I said she'll probably be more comfortable in the room as the seats are squahsed close together and may incur a lot of faffing. I've said the same to my cousin who is bring her 2 month old, who is bottle fed (and told SIL-to-be this).

Can I state at this point I'm very pro-breastfeeding, i breastfed DS until he was 2 years old, often in public, and would never ever adopy a 'there's a time and a place' attitude - however having breastfed a child of varying ages I know what a faff it can be especially when they're across your lap when someone is right next to you, so I gave the room idea as I thought it would be more comfortable for them and the children.

This morning OH has received the following email from his DB (names changed obviously):

Hi DB
Laura (SIL-to-be) and I have been discussing the issue of breastfeeding at your wedding and the fact she's been asked to go into another room if she needs to feed during the ceremony. I have to say I'm disappointed in you both as I thought you were pro-breastfeeding. Laura feels very vicitimised by this and we suspect it's because other guests may feel uncomfortable. In which case that's their issue, if they are offended by breasts being used for their natural function then they are welcome to turn their heads. Or, if it's like SilverSalmon says, and it's just for our comfort, we believe it would be easier to just get the children latched on rather than make the fuss of getting up and leaving the room.

I think it may be a good time to also mention that, as you know, Laura tandem feeds and because DS is still feeding when she latches DD on he usually comes up asking for some too. Meaning that it's highly likely that she'll need to tandem feed at various points during the day. We're happy with this and she has chosen a tandem-feeding friendly dress for this reason. Laura is not prepared to be shoved into a side room like she's doing something sordid, she wants to be part of the day too. So wether it be during the ceremony, dinner, speeches etc, she will need to tandem feed and is not prepared to leave the room to do it. I have to put the comfort and needs of my wife and children first. If you're not happy with this arrangement I'm afraid we won't be able to come - I'm not having any of us penalised because of our feeding choices. None of us would enjoy a day where the children and Laura are constantly seperate from me and the feeding is non-negotiable. It's up to you 2 but can you let us know asap and then we do things like cancel the hotel room and return our outfits. I hope you understand our point of view, I don't want to fall out with you but I didn't think breastfeeding would be such an issue!"

So mumsnet AIBU to be upset about this? I genuinely thought I was being helpful when I offered a side room for the ceremony. Help!

Well, (and I await flaming) if I was a guest at a wedding I would not want to spend the meal next to someone tandem feeding a 3 year old and a baby at the same time.

I think we all have a hunch this is not going to be done as quietly and as discreetly as possible.

Probably loud audible sentances of "no Timmy let me start feeding baby first then you can come"

"excuse me can you move backwards so I can shift my chair. I have to feed both of them you know"

"wait a moment Timmy whilst mummy pulls her top down, don't grab at mummy please"

meanwhile 4month old getting irrate because it's taking ages.

Well Lulu, I'm sure you're very nice but if I sat next to you at a wedding I'd just have to squirt you in the eye with my breastmilk.

Some of us are just animals, you know

but why not just take him somewhere quiet in the first instance out of respect for the bride and groom just in case he made a fuss? Just for once why not just put the needs and wants of someone else first so they can have a peaceful ceremony. just in case a fuss was made.

I give up, I'm obviously different. I just think it's rather rude to impose on what is someone else's special day.

PTParty - if none sees or hears ( not because its offensive but because its a wedding ceremony after all ) totally agree, thats great and it will have worked out well for eveybody. Phew. ( And i hope that is the case)

BUT if there is snuffling, rustling, squirming, toddler protesting, readjusting, chairs moving, dad helping. Its just very thoughtless as the Sil/Bil are not the bride and groom ( they could do what they want then) and they will be disturbing every body around them.
"she will need to tandem feed and is not prepared to leave the room to do so"

I don't care if she's Bfeeding or just giving the DCs Mac n' Fries. I think the point is these peoples self centeredness.

With this pair, respect only goes one way, Ginger.
It is all about other people respecting Laura's right to BF whenever she wants to regardless of whether the baby needs fed or not. It's about the principle and they are determined to see a slur where there was none, hence the histrionic email which is all about THEM and only them.

but why not just take him somewhere quiet in the first instance out of respect for the bride and groom just in case he made a fuss?

BFing is essentially a quiet, unobtrusive activity that doesn't impinge on anyone else. Getting up and leaving part way through the ceremony would be far more disruptive to the OP's special day.

Gold getting up and leaving with a stirring baby would be seen as normal and somewhat polite. People are able to come to the conclusion she's left the room to feed in peace and quiet. I hardly think people are going to be talking all day about the mother who left with the baby quietly, and later returned, now the mother who made a show and dance about it, and tandem feed all bloody day with a look at me attitude, that would be talked about it all night long.

I've left ceremonies, speeches with wiggly baby nobody has said a thing. Very male dominated settings with the occasional wife and girlfriend in toe, not a word uttered.

if there is snuffling, rustling, squirming, toddler protesting, readjusting, chairs moving, dad helping

But surely all those things are even more certain to happen if she gets up and takes both kids with her out of the room mid-ceremony?

I don't think anyone here's argued that they aren't being OTT and rather dramatic about it all. I just don't get what kind of wedding people here are envisioning where the minute she latches the 3-year-old on, she will somehow be making the wedding all about her, be forcing her choices on other people, be making a militant stand, whatever. Unless she puts up a big flashing sign above her chair saying "breastfeeding going on here!" or something, I honestly can't see how the majority of guests are even going to notice.

Ginger, I think that if a baby is invited to a family wedding, my assumption is that they are welcomed and that the wedding couple are happy to have a small baby present during the ceremony. A small baby is inevitably going to be noisier than an older child or adult as they can't be reasoned with. The weddings that I've been to have been happy joyous jolly experiences, not solemn and silent affairs. A baby adds to the joy, not impinges on everyone else's day, as far as I've experienced anyway.

I've been to a friend's funeral with my then 2 yr old, and a family wedding with him. On both occasions we took him out when he wasn't able to be quiet any more. I would in no way want to disrupt someone else's special day or a solemn ceremony. But quietly feeding a baby who is then settled would not for me seem to be a big problem. If I thought that the merest bit of fussing would upset the wedding couple then I probably would choose not to go to the wedding as you just can't guarantee that a small baby will definitely be quiet and settled for the duration of the service.

getting up and leaving with a stirring baby would be seen as normal and somewhat polite.

Those who can't cope with being around BFing may see it as more polite but it would still be more disruptive to a ceremony than quietly latching the baby on and allowing the toddler to do so if he wants to. Nobody else need even be aware she is doing it.

Breast feeding a newborn if you choose and can is piss easy quiet.

Breastfeeding a toddler is more faff as they are bigger and vocal

Done both.

They still sounding ridiculous entitled rude arses op.

And not about wanting to bf. About the arrogant email. Who cares if she bfs. Seriously they sound bores.

I've had babies who breastfed beautifully ( and quietly ) thru ceremonies. And other times when they just havn't settled and fussed and cried for whatever reason. But no question the right thing to do then was to slip out with them. Having positioned myself for that possibility. And guess what I probably missed the ceremony.

Bil/Sil have adamantly stated they will not be doing that. Regardless.

I think the Bfeeding is a red herring.

in a cafe, resteraunt, birthday party setting people probably wouldn't care, or notice.

But sat in a all but silent room whilst 3 people talk in turn, in chairs very close together in tight rows it will be noticed, especially if the entitled attitude displayed in the e-mail is acted out in real life.

The day is not about feeding choices, or appeasing your own children or making a BF stance, the day is about someone else and their wishes. can't people for one day just put someone else's wishes before theirs. Is it really that hard?!

Ginger, surely the wedding couple should just not invite babies/small children then?

If they are including small babies in the invitation then surely it's clear that small babies may cry/make noises/feed at regular intervals and to expect them to be silent throughout a ceremony is daft? How could anyone seriously be offended by a small baby behaving like a small baby? If the baby won't settle quickly then of course you should take them out. But simply feeding them quickly and quietly isn't going to be disruptive and disrespectful.

yeah your right culture

cant be fucked anymore, your not getting the point, just take the fucking kids out of the room to the quiet room kindly provided to tandem feed them and sit peacefully and feed , so the bride and groom can have all attention focused on them and enjoy their day. Keep your entitled fucking militant breast feeding attitude to yourself and just nod and smile and say "oh great thamks for the quiet comfy room, really thoughtful"

tbh, if the person with the fussing child is sitting in front of me, I would much rather they just fed it if that would stop the fussing rather than getting up and shuffling out of the row when I'm trying to watch the ceremony. Baby, toddler, 15-year-old for all I care, just sit down and stay quiet please.

Yeah but people are daft!

Have been to countless assemblies where stupid parents have let toddlers scream throughout them and plays and completely drowned out the children acting.

Some people see their children as the most important people anywhere!

GingerCuddleMonster, exactly.

We would not have invited our friends with babies/toddlers to our wedding if we had not known (1) that they would want our vows to be heard and (2) that they would be sensitive about breastfeeding casually in front of spinster aunts. Our friends and relatives just judged how to play the event so that we would be happy. It's not difficult. That's why they are friends.

oh right, 'entitled fucking militant breast feeding attitude'. Thanks Ginger, that's certainly helped the cause of civil conversation and makes you sound like the most reasonable person alive.

That attitude is exactley what the SIL and BIL have displayed, their refusal to accommodate anyone else's needs above their own and push and agenda on feeding. I'd call that a militant attitude.

But I'm wrong and people should just do as they please regardless of other people's wishes or wants, because everyone knows the universe solely revolves around individuals and their needs. Fuck everyone else and what they want, as long as your own personal needs are met that's fine, no need to think for a second about others as long as the individual is happy the world is a better place. Regardless that someone has gone to the length to arrange something in kindness thinking it would make things easier, nah throw it back in their face with an aggressive and overbearing attitude. in fact why not just shot on their parade and stand up and do it's a me me me all about me dance halfway through the ceremony, and people can idolize the individual and stare longingly at them with admiration. Wouldn't that be a lively world to live in...

They sound like self obsessed breastfeeding bores. I was able to feed my children discreetly ( not that I would have fed a three year old) but I always preferred some privacy. I think she just wants to show how clever she is feeding two children at once!

Clearly there are differing opinions here...

Ginger, I'm really not trying to irritate you. You were talking about feeding a baby of any age being by definition rude, self-centred, entitled, attention seeking, disrespectful, lacking in common decency and bad manners when done in a wedding ceremony. I disagreed with you and tried to explain why each time you made the same assertion.

No one knows if the SIL intends to be attention seeking. The tone of her email is confrontational certainly. But they do say that they feel the quickest way to settle both their children is just to (tandem) feed them.

I do wish we had a society where breastfeeding children was accepted and normalised to the extent that it wouldn't even have had to be raised by anyone in this context.

Ginger, nobody is saying that the guests should not care about the bride and groom's wishes. Nobody is saying that we all should just fuck everyone else and do what we want. Nobody is saying it's fine to disrupt someone's wedding ceremony for the hell of it.

What people are saying is that breastfeeding during the ceremony is unlikely to be disruptive, and might in a lot of circumstances be a lot less disruptive than leaving the ceremony to feed.

I've never breastfed during a wedding. I have breastfed during a christening - fussing hungry baby, latched on, immediately quiet. I am pretty sure nobody saw, because we were all sitting facing in the same direction, so nobody in the room had a view of my front. It seemed like the quickest, quietest and simplest way to reduce disruption to the ceremony for the other guests.

But according to you, this would be equivalent to me deciding to 'stand up and do it's a me me me all about me dance halfway through the ceremony'?