about SIL breastfeeding issue? Wedding related!

[SilverSalmon]

I'm getting married in 5 weeks and there'll be 6 children at the wedding - 2 small babies and 4 toddlers. Next to the room where we're getting married is another room they use for smaller ceremonies, I asked if they could leave the door open for this in case people need to take out crying/tantrumming children (including my own 4yo DS!). They've agreed and will put sofas and a toy box in the room.

We were at my OH's parents at the weekend and his DB and wife were there. They are bringing their 2 children, our niece (4 months) and nephew (3yo) to the wedding. I told her about the room and said that I can get them sat near it just in case they need to pop out and settle or feed them (she's breastfeeding both). She said that if they need to feed she can just pull her dress down as its low cut, but I said she'll probably be more comfortable in the room as the seats are squahsed close together and may incur a lot of faffing. I've said the same to my cousin who is bring her 2 month old, who is bottle fed (and told SIL-to-be this).

Can I state at this point I'm very pro-breastfeeding, i breastfed DS until he was 2 years old, often in public, and would never ever adopy a 'there's a time and a place' attitude - however having breastfed a child of varying ages I know what a faff it can be especially when they're across your lap when someone is right next to you, so I gave the room idea as I thought it would be more comfortable for them and the children.

This morning OH has received the following email from his DB (names changed obviously):

Hi DB
Laura (SIL-to-be) and I have been discussing the issue of breastfeeding at your wedding and the fact she's been asked to go into another room if she needs to feed during the ceremony. I have to say I'm disappointed in you both as I thought you were pro-breastfeeding. Laura feels very vicitimised by this and we suspect it's because other guests may feel uncomfortable. In which case that's their issue, if they are offended by breasts being used for their natural function then they are welcome to turn their heads. Or, if it's like SilverSalmon says, and it's just for our comfort, we believe it would be easier to just get the children latched on rather than make the fuss of getting up and leaving the room.

I think it may be a good time to also mention that, as you know, Laura tandem feeds and because DS is still feeding when she latches DD on he usually comes up asking for some too. Meaning that it's highly likely that she'll need to tandem feed at various points during the day. We're happy with this and she has chosen a tandem-feeding friendly dress for this reason. Laura is not prepared to be shoved into a side room like she's doing something sordid, she wants to be part of the day too. So wether it be during the ceremony, dinner, speeches etc, she will need to tandem feed and is not prepared to leave the room to do it. I have to put the comfort and needs of my wife and children first. If you're not happy with this arrangement I'm afraid we won't be able to come - I'm not having any of us penalised because of our feeding choices. None of us would enjoy a day where the children and Laura are constantly seperate from me and the feeding is non-negotiable. It's up to you 2 but can you let us know asap and then we do things like cancel the hotel room and return our outfits. I hope you understand our point of view, I don't want to fall out with you but I didn't think breastfeeding would be such an issue!"

So mumsnet AIBU to be upset about this? I genuinely thought I was being helpful when I offered a side room for the ceremony. Help!

lady I encourage you to check out the UNicEF statistic for infant and young child feeding. Also the WHO have some equally interesting statistics. Kellymom website has links to statstiics from various government, health and other organisations. Its useful to analyse the data in depth. I agree the 4.2 statistic is a tricky one but non the less is a handy tool when discussing toddler feeding with hostile audience. But I agree saying weaning is normal between 2_7 if not interfered with is better with a wider target audience.

If I were sitting next to a tandem feeding Mother feeding an almost school age child I would get up and go in the squashy sofa room myself.

Sit them at the back in a row on their own where they won't impinge on anyone elses' space. And at a table at the back too where they can't be seen.

Oh please OP, for the love of God please send purdiepie's email.

It's just perfect

Purdie

I am literally crying

Stroke, if children might disturb a wedding then the answer is simply not to invite them.

I also don't think it's bad manners or lacking in common decency to feed a baby if they need feeding. It would be a lot more disruptive to get up and carry out a crying baby, compared to just latching them on which would mean almost immediate calm being restored. Same with giving a bottle I imagine.

Having a 3yr old and a 4 month old at a wedding is by itself going to potentially cause disruption. The possibility of tandem feeding is a small part of that issue. The SIL is being very touchy about the issue, no doubt about that, but it doesn't need handling with aggression and hostility. Well, assuming they want to have any ongoing pleasant relationship with them, of course.

ginger, body sorry it feels like a privilege to me because I didn't get to breastfeed DD1 who was stillborn. I fought hard to feedd DD2 despite the terrible pain and bleeding etc so that's how it feels to me everytime I feed. It makes me feel lucky :)

It sounded like (and clearly is the case that) you want your sil to go into the other room. Your sil would have realised that when you carried on telling her she'd be more comfortable there after she said she'd rather stay at the table. I'm sure she is used to being criticised for breastfeeding the toddler so probably did feel really hurt when she saw a person who she thought was very pro-bf was actually only pro-bf up to a certain point. The email was OTT but I understand why they felt that way.

Some of the comments on this thread are awful. I know this is aibu but ffs mumsnet is supposed to be a supportive parenting site, not a make fun of bf mums site.

I attended an event with a 6week old baby, an event that had moments of silence and speeches. it was far easier to leave the room immediately when DS began to stir and sit in the corridor on posh comfy chairs and feed DS than stay in a all but silent room and faff about.

People knew why I was rising to leave and took no issue with it.

Purdie

What's with the face, Ginger?

Clearly it's different for different women, which also surely shows its nothing to do with manners/common decency?

I get where your coming from rainbow and my sympathies for your loss, however outright calling it a privelage can come accross as condescending and possibly hurtful to those who couldn't BF and so forth.

Purdie, thank you for the best laugh I have had in ages. Pure genius.

But it is, it's unfair to the entire congregation to put the needs of an individual over everyone else in the room. It's just common courtesy to remove yourself from the situation and carry on in peace rather than disturb 40 other people surely?

But nobody else on the invite list with kids seems to be making demands of the OP do they?
And I agree that latching a baby on may not be particularly disruptive, if you don't have a wriggly squirmy baby. Or she could, you know, feed the 4 month old quickly before the ceremony. Call me old fashioned but the last thing I'd want to do during the wedding ceremony of someone I'm supposed to care about is call attention to myself! In fact, I'd go as far as making sure I don't call attention to myself an if that means sitting on the end of a pew if baby started to cry then so be it. Or better yet, I'd leave the kids with a sitter so I could get pissed, but that's just me. I also really don't understand how it is so hard to say no to a 3 year old! It is not very hard!

But regardless of all that, of course tandem feeding will be disruptive, if not for the many many faces that will surely accompany the tandem feeding event. And that of course, is what the SIL/DB duo want, so they can justify their feelings. Not considering any regard that it is the OP's wedding day and the focus shouldn't be on the SIL and her giant norks, but on the OP and how pretty she looks!

I'd whisper in the 3-year-old's ear just before the ceremony: 'there are gold coins hidden all over the side room! Hundreds of them!'

rainbow my deepest sympathy at your loss and I can see how it must feel that way to you. Of course.

However There are people who really cannot bf or choose not to and your comments may appear bizarre and hurtful to them.

After all feeding milk exclusively to a child is just a very small part of a child's life be it from the boob or a bottle.

It really really doesn't matter here in the affluent west.

purdie

Ginger, for some people it wouldn't be a disturbance to latch a baby on where they're sat. Most people probably wouldn't even notice it was happening. Certainly not those sat behind or in front, perhaps those on the same row might notice if for some reason they weren't paying attention to the ceremony. Whereas getting up and out of your row with a crying/fussing baby would be much more noticeable and disruptive, followed by coming back in again.

Obviously you wouldn't have been happy to do that, but it doesn't mean that others are being rude and disrespectful for unobtrusively feeding.

What a shame the bil and Laura are already married themselves. I'd love to go to their wedding and see if she insisted on tandem feeding at any time during that.

Went to a funeral once, very solemn and ceremonial, which was interrupted by a plaintive little voice of my DD announcing I WANT SOME TITTIES MUMMY

Not trying to make you paranoid or anything

Ignoring the tandem feeding thing I'm surprised that people think that it is wrong to breastfeed (even a baby) during the ceremony. Personally I would always choose to breastfeed during a ceremony. It keeps the little darlings nice and quiet! (Ok - ideally I would choose for them to nap during the ceremony but they always manage to fox me on that one!)

Last wedding I went to ds was nearly 11 months and the first thing I did once sat down was latch him on. The person sitting next to me got feet in their ribs a bit but I made sure that was dh so no one else was inconvenienced.

Surely a silent feed is far better than "mamamamamamama dadadadadadadadada" repeated over and over at full volume (occasionally paused for ds to look around grinning for his applause and then to clap himself when his rightful applause didn't come.)

It wasn't that he couldn't wait 40 minutes for a feed - it was that he couldn't sit silently for 40 minutes.

Oh dear - it seems that in trying to be helpful wedding guest I was actually wedding guest from hell.

a fussing quiet baby does not always latch on quietly though, theirs the refusal, the boob slapping, hair pulling, sip and scream....would you honestly sit their in a room full of people and just continue?!

I honestly can't see how a 3year old asking/pestering for a feed and a 4month old beginning to stir and the preparing (top down, positioning, checking of latch) can be done with no disruption to others around.

3 year olds don't politely ask in a muted tone for things do they....

The hostility and aggression is one sided and coming solely from BIL and Laura. It's a fair bet the 3 YO will be given salty food just so Laura can demonstrate her superior parenting in the middle of the ceremony. yes, it would far .ess disruptive to teach the 3 year old it doesn't always get what it wants when it wants it, but she's not going to do that because she has a point to prove and she is determined to make that point in public and foes not care if she causes a huge family rift all for twenty bloody minutes.
And enough of the crap about 4.2 years. It's totally incorrect and destroys any credibility or otherwise coherent argument. Plays it us well known to be incorrect so why keep peddling the nonsense?
Stroke and Purdie - thank you!

But but but, who's even going to notice if she feeds the 3yo? Surely most people are going to be, you know, looking at the bride and groom exchanging vows? Surely when everyone's sitting tightly in rows facing the same direction, it's really hard to see what's going on with another seated guest unless they're directly next to you anyway? So even if she is going to Make! A! Point! of feeding the 3yo during the ceremony - if nobody sees it, who the hell cares?

People's experience of feeding is going to be very different. At 4 months I was able to just latch my DS on with minimal fuss, and no noise or disruption. He didn't do any of the problematic things that you describe, Ginger. If he didn't settle then I would probably have taken him somewhere quiet to try again - I certainly wouldn't want to disturb everyone else.

None of us can tell how noisy any tandem feeding might be. A 3 yr old will presumably be able to be spoken to about behaviour/expectations, and the SIL may well be confident that the quickest way to keep them both quiet is to let them feed like they're used to.

Incidentally I was at a wedding where two older children (5 and 6 ish) disturbed the vows and readings by being noisy and behaving badly. Neither parent took them out of the ceremony, when it was clear that they should have done. That was way more disruptive than a small baby being fed.