Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about SIL breastfeeding issue? Wedding related!

999 replies

SilverSalmon · 05/05/2015 13:08

I'm getting married in 5 weeks and there'll be 6 children at the wedding - 2 small babies and 4 toddlers. Next to the room where we're getting married is another room they use for smaller ceremonies, I asked if they could leave the door open for this in case people need to take out crying/tantrumming children (including my own 4yo DS!). They've agreed and will put sofas and a toy box in the room.

We were at my OH's parents at the weekend and his DB and wife were there. They are bringing their 2 children, our niece (4 months) and nephew (3yo) to the wedding. I told her about the room and said that I can get them sat near it just in case they need to pop out and settle or feed them (she's breastfeeding both). She said that if they need to feed she can just pull her dress down as its low cut, but I said she'll probably be more comfortable in the room as the seats are squahsed close together and may incur a lot of faffing. I've said the same to my cousin who is bring her 2 month old, who is bottle fed (and told SIL-to-be this).

Can I state at this point I'm very pro-breastfeeding, i breastfed DS until he was 2 years old, often in public, and would never ever adopy a 'there's a time and a place' attitude - however having breastfed a child of varying ages I know what a faff it can be especially when they're across your lap when someone is right next to you, so I gave the room idea as I thought it would be more comfortable for them and the children.

This morning OH has received the following email from his DB (names changed obviously):

Hi DB
Laura (SIL-to-be) and I have been discussing the issue of breastfeeding at your wedding and the fact she's been asked to go into another room if she needs to feed during the ceremony. I have to say I'm disappointed in you both as I thought you were pro-breastfeeding. Laura feels very vicitimised by this and we suspect it's because other guests may feel uncomfortable. In which case that's their issue, if they are offended by breasts being used for their natural function then they are welcome to turn their heads. Or, if it's like SilverSalmon says, and it's just for our comfort, we believe it would be easier to just get the children latched on rather than make the fuss of getting up and leaving the room.

I think it may be a good time to also mention that, as you know, Laura tandem feeds and because DS is still feeding when she latches DD on he usually comes up asking for some too. Meaning that it's highly likely that she'll need to tandem feed at various points during the day. We're happy with this and she has chosen a tandem-feeding friendly dress for this reason. Laura is not prepared to be shoved into a side room like she's doing something sordid, she wants to be part of the day too. So wether it be during the ceremony, dinner, speeches etc, she will need to tandem feed and is not prepared to leave the room to do it. I have to put the comfort and needs of my wife and children first. If you're not happy with this arrangement I'm afraid we won't be able to come - I'm not having any of us penalised because of our feeding choices. None of us would enjoy a day where the children and Laura are constantly seperate from me and the feeding is non-negotiable. It's up to you 2 but can you let us know asap and then we do things like cancel the hotel room and return our outfits. I hope you understand our point of view, I don't want to fall out with you but I didn't think breastfeeding would be such an issue!"

So mumsnet AIBU to be upset about this? I genuinely thought I was being helpful when I offered a side room for the ceremony. Help!

OP posts:
rainbowtoddle · 05/05/2015 21:55

aldi yes but why say no to the feeding request? What is your objection to the three year old having a breastfeeding if the need arises because her sibling is feeding and she is used to being encouraged to feed too if she wishes which is an eminently sensible strategy.

LondonLady29 · 05/05/2015 21:56

Dear BIL and Laura,

Your email came as a huge surprise to us both and was incredibly upsetting. Knowing us as you do, you know we are pro breastfeeding. We have invited children to our wedding knowing they are breast fed, no one is being victimised. We have spoken to the venue about providing a separate room for people to use for restless children as we want them to be a part of our day without disrupting other childless guests.

The option to take children out of the room during our ceremony is there so that whilst we are exchanging vows we are not distracted and or guests are not distracted by talking, fumbling, rustling etc. As I'm sure you can appreciate this is a sacred and special day for us. Your email and insistence on tandem feeding in a cramped space during a short ceremony is unreasonable. We have made every effort to make things easy for breast feeding parents but our wedding day is about us and not a day for you to militantly force your views and ideals on everyone. Show some consideration for us and others. Try and be practical. Feed as much as you like without distracting and making yourselves a focus.

We hope to see you both there.

Welshmaenad · 05/05/2015 21:56

I'd argue that what three year olds need is to learn that they can't always have something they want, the very second they demand it. Both mine had grasped that concept by then, anyway.

Goldmandra · 05/05/2015 21:56

Because they are three and perfectly capable of being being told 'no darling, not right now'.

The matter would be a little more complicated if the baby sibling is feeding at that time and the three year old is used to joining in. A quiet response to mummy suddenly saying "No. You have to wait" is rather less likely in those circumstances.

LadyCatherineDeTurd · 05/05/2015 21:56

So go on missing, why is it bizarre? You're going to need to do more than just say it is. They're both things that don't need to happen, I presume you agree? I'd absolutely love to hear a coherent argument from anyone who thinks the 3 year old ought to be restricted only to what's necessary during the ceremony but doesn't apply the same principle elsewhere.

AldiQ7 · 05/05/2015 21:57

Hence extended breastfeeding is fine, but should also allow for a gradual teaching that breastfeeding isn't available all the time, and that other methods of distraction/comfort are also useful.

Yes, I think that if you are not teaching a child the lesson that they can't always have exactly what they. want exactly when they want it by the age of three, then you are setting yourself up for big problems in the future.

LondonLady29 · 05/05/2015 21:57

YADNBU they sound awful surely they can wait for 20 mins on your wedding day or use the room provided. She sounds so entitled.

Devora · 05/05/2015 21:58

If the average weaning age was 4.2, that would mean that there are nations (lots of them) where bf 7yos is a cultural norm. We would know about those nations. We would have all read articles about them. They would keep getting quoted in these threads.

SoupDragon · 05/05/2015 21:58

I'm guessing that none of the people exclaiming that a child doesn't need breastfeeding past 18 months think giving them milk designed for a bovine is at all weird.

What sort of fucked up world is it when milk for a different species is acceptable and human milk is not?

MissingYouSoMuch · 05/05/2015 21:59

Rainbow
The issue is not tandem feeding but....

Oh I give up.
Some people really do enjoy missing the point and creating an issue completely unrelated to the OP. This thread is not about the psychology of BF. Hmm

MissingYouSoMuch · 05/05/2015 22:00

What sort of fucked up world is it when milk for a different species is acceptable and human milk is not?

Oh here we go...... took 20 pages but got there in the end Hmm

devon004 · 05/05/2015 22:02

O yes sil tells me I am letting dd feed for my benefit (ie to confort her) whilst at the same time popping a dummy in her little ones mouth.

O and most 4 month old breadtfed babies feed on demand.

SoupDragon · 05/05/2015 22:02

Oh do explain, Missing. I'm all ears.

rainbowtoddle · 05/05/2015 22:02

lady you are using a blog post to challenge my claim - evidence based discussion requires something more substantive. In any case 4.2 is a handy way of simplifying the point to the hordes of people who are uneducated about breastfeeding. Normal is handy way of describing a process of weaning that's not hindered by parental or societal interference than most people impose of their child's weaning process.

spiney · 05/05/2015 22:03

Is this really about breastfeeding at all.

Or just about being rude, entitled and bloody self centered?

Bodyinpyjamas10 · 05/05/2015 22:03

rainbow I bf all my toddlers.

It's not a mystical tree hugging experience. Personally I just couldn't face the engorged tits that come with giving up.

Basically I was a lazy arse.

Devora · 05/05/2015 22:04

I think the weirdest thing is how politicised infant feeding has become, and how intensely judgemental so many people are about it. For me, this is a vital issue in the developing world - not in the UK. [Declares interest as an extended breastfeeder who is equally unfazed by breastfeeding 3 year olds and formula fed infants. Seriously, there are more important things to get judgey about.]

rumbleinthrjungle · 05/05/2015 22:06

If I'm reading this right, the OP has arranged this side room for the ceremony itself only - what, half an hour max? So Laura and partner are pretty much determined that Laura will be tandem feeding during the ceremony. One gets the impression it will be whether the children want to feed or not.

ConnieBaby · 05/05/2015 22:06

But if I was tandem feeding a 3yr old I would be actively teaching them that it wasn't available to them all the time. In the same way I teach them that we don't always have his toys or a bottle of water or anything else that he wants immediately but doesn't need immediately.

Koalafications · 05/05/2015 22:06

I think people can be unpleasant about breastfeeding.

But on the other hand some people can treat it as some sort of crusade..

Completely agree.

CultureSucksDownWords · 05/05/2015 22:08

So does the fact that some people are perceived to be on a breastfeeding "crusade" mean that the unpleasantness aimed at breastfeeding is acceptable and justified?

LadyCatherineDeTurd · 05/05/2015 22:08

Well rainbow you claimed it, so you prove it. Let's see the stats that prove the average age of weaning globally is 4.2 years. I think you're probably aware there aren't any, which is why you're backtracking now and pretending 4.2 years is some kind of rhetorical point rather than a very clear claim.

Devora is quite right, it's astonishing that anyone who knows anything at all about global breastfeeding prevalence could think the global average age is 4.2. You only have to think critically about it for a moment to realise there'd have to be loads of societies where most children were being breastfed well into junior school to equalise all the ones where the average is only a few months, and there aren't. There's Mongolia, and not a lot else.

rainbowtoddle · 05/05/2015 22:08

body not a mystical tree hugging experience but a wonderful privilege to do so and extremely useful during times of illnes, discomfort and during the night. Also can be very intense so I sympathise with the DSIL and her husband using tandem feeding to bridge the gap with the arrival of a new sibling - must be challenging anf I am sure they are feeling vulnerable to criticism.

MissingYouSoMuch · 05/05/2015 22:08

Lady
You actually believe there is legitimate argument supporting the view that a 3 year old not needing to be fed during a wedding ceremony equates with the fact that wedding vows and food are also not needed?

Grin You're on your own there..... I just wouldn't even know where to start with that little gem.
SnookyWookyWooWoo · 05/05/2015 22:09

Oh ffs, YANBU they are sounding totally over the top. Id be very hacked off off if someone had sent me this before my wedding (as though their breast feeding is the most important thing you have to worry about at the moment)

As BlinkingHeck says...I breast fed my little boy and wouldnt have wanted to feed him in a room packed full of people, and would have been very very grateful for the kind offer of a side room to go off quietly on my own! Let alone feeding two (one of which being a toddler) that will be a major squeeze!

Id email a response saying you were trying to be thoughtful and are not really interested in how she feeds her lo's.

They sound like they are going to be a pain in the ass - good luck OP x