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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about SIL breastfeeding issue? Wedding related!

999 replies

SilverSalmon · 05/05/2015 13:08

I'm getting married in 5 weeks and there'll be 6 children at the wedding - 2 small babies and 4 toddlers. Next to the room where we're getting married is another room they use for smaller ceremonies, I asked if they could leave the door open for this in case people need to take out crying/tantrumming children (including my own 4yo DS!). They've agreed and will put sofas and a toy box in the room.

We were at my OH's parents at the weekend and his DB and wife were there. They are bringing their 2 children, our niece (4 months) and nephew (3yo) to the wedding. I told her about the room and said that I can get them sat near it just in case they need to pop out and settle or feed them (she's breastfeeding both). She said that if they need to feed she can just pull her dress down as its low cut, but I said she'll probably be more comfortable in the room as the seats are squahsed close together and may incur a lot of faffing. I've said the same to my cousin who is bring her 2 month old, who is bottle fed (and told SIL-to-be this).

Can I state at this point I'm very pro-breastfeeding, i breastfed DS until he was 2 years old, often in public, and would never ever adopy a 'there's a time and a place' attitude - however having breastfed a child of varying ages I know what a faff it can be especially when they're across your lap when someone is right next to you, so I gave the room idea as I thought it would be more comfortable for them and the children.

This morning OH has received the following email from his DB (names changed obviously):

Hi DB
Laura (SIL-to-be) and I have been discussing the issue of breastfeeding at your wedding and the fact she's been asked to go into another room if she needs to feed during the ceremony. I have to say I'm disappointed in you both as I thought you were pro-breastfeeding. Laura feels very vicitimised by this and we suspect it's because other guests may feel uncomfortable. In which case that's their issue, if they are offended by breasts being used for their natural function then they are welcome to turn their heads. Or, if it's like SilverSalmon says, and it's just for our comfort, we believe it would be easier to just get the children latched on rather than make the fuss of getting up and leaving the room.

I think it may be a good time to also mention that, as you know, Laura tandem feeds and because DS is still feeding when she latches DD on he usually comes up asking for some too. Meaning that it's highly likely that she'll need to tandem feed at various points during the day. We're happy with this and she has chosen a tandem-feeding friendly dress for this reason. Laura is not prepared to be shoved into a side room like she's doing something sordid, she wants to be part of the day too. So wether it be during the ceremony, dinner, speeches etc, she will need to tandem feed and is not prepared to leave the room to do it. I have to put the comfort and needs of my wife and children first. If you're not happy with this arrangement I'm afraid we won't be able to come - I'm not having any of us penalised because of our feeding choices. None of us would enjoy a day where the children and Laura are constantly seperate from me and the feeding is non-negotiable. It's up to you 2 but can you let us know asap and then we do things like cancel the hotel room and return our outfits. I hope you understand our point of view, I don't want to fall out with you but I didn't think breastfeeding would be such an issue!"

So mumsnet AIBU to be upset about this? I genuinely thought I was being helpful when I offered a side room for the ceremony. Help!

OP posts:
LadyCatherineDeTurd · 05/05/2015 21:37

Care to expand missing?

AldiQ7 · 05/05/2015 21:38

People clearly are massively uneducated about breastfeeding toddlers - its not all about having a snack or food. There is a massive emotional and comfort element for children in the process, especially with a younger sibling in the picture. Its reassurance, love, connection and a whole host of psychologically positive characteristics that a toddler needs and which many studies have shown helps to produce confident and independent children and adults. There is a reason why the worldwide average age for weaning is 4.2 years old - its normal and beneficial. Its hard to hear for people who chose not to breastfeed full term but that doesn't give anyone the right to attack the choices of a couple who are proving beautifully for their two young children. They are defensive for a reason and ultimately OP just needs to clarify that it was a misunderstanding.

Yes, but none of that makes it necessary to breastfeed a 3 year old in the middle of a frigging wedding ceremony!

Welshmaenad · 05/05/2015 21:39

All of that is true rainbow, but a three year old does not need to have all that immediately on demand. They can wait, whilst a tiny baby can't. For example, you wouldn't lay your three year old across your lap to breastfeed whilst driving. Or take them to a job interview and feed them whilst chatting with the panel. I wouldn't bat an eyelid at a three year old being fed in public but the very logistics of it in a cramped pew or row of seats mean that it would be far more appropriate to tell them they can have a feed later. I don't think there's snythjng wrong with that.

Koalafications · 05/05/2015 21:40

I think YABU to have offered the use of the room when she had not asked for it.

There you go, op. It's all your fault for trying to be helpful.

Sometimes I love Mumsnet.

Yes, I agree. I think that post is ridiculous. She would be branded unhelpful if she hadn't offered an alternative.

"SIL knows that DW is tandem feeding and expected her to do this in the rows during the ceremony!" Hardly practical with a 3YO and a 4m old!"

MissingYouSoMuch · 05/05/2015 21:40

Expand on what Lady?
That a three year old is not going to end up psychologically damaged because mum didn't shove a boob into it's mouth during a half hour wedding ceremony?

Koalafications · 05/05/2015 21:41

Do you think Kate and WIlliam had these problems behind the scenes?

Yes, I think Kate will insist on tandem feeding at Harry's wedding. I can see the AIBU coming now... Grin

Seffina · 05/05/2015 21:41

Actually, considering some of the things that my DD said when she was 3 ("that's a funny looking woman" etc.) sticking my boob in her mouth wouldn't necessarily been the worst option in a quiet ceremony!

ConnieBaby · 05/05/2015 21:42

I don't have a problem with BF or extended BF. I only managed between 6 & 9 mths with my lot and I admire women who manage longer.

However, I cannot for the life of me understand why a 3yr old can't be told 'no' and made to wait until after the ceremony. If my 3yr old was demanding something during the ceremony id say 'no' firmly and if they threw a tantrum then I'd remove them. I'm not sure I'd appease them with the boob as that's just giving in to toddler demands and will lead to more tantrums. So SIL is BU not because she's tandem feeding but by making this all about her and her faux victimisation.

rainbowtoddle · 05/05/2015 21:42

Aldi care to clarify why not? If the three year old needs a moment feed during a wedding ceremony then why not? Most toddlers feed for a few minutes at most and that's that. I have fed my 26 month old at many occasions including christenings and weddings with no fuss and probably hardly anyone noticed. I fail to see what the problem is here other than peoples' own misguided issues about feeding toddlers and whhat they perceive that a toddler needs in this respect.

LadyCatherineDeTurd · 05/05/2015 21:43

Rainbowtoddle the worldwide average age for weaning isn't 4.2 years old.

breastfeedingwithoutbs.blogspot.co.uk/2011/10/bullshitometer-no-average-age-of.html

If anyone thinks it is, try taking the author's challenge!

PrimalLass · 05/05/2015 21:44

For example, you wouldn't lay your three year old across your lap to breastfeed whilst driving.

Seriously? You would do that while driving? Illegal surely?

CultureSucksDownWords · 05/05/2015 21:46

It never ceases to amaze me how vile some people can be about women who breastfeed. The usual tropes have been dragged out already on this thread. I'm quite sure it's possible to have a discussion without being so bloody unpleasant about breastfeeding.

If you invite children to a wedding surely that means they are welcome? As in, you accept that they will behave as children and that could mean some noise and disruption. That's surely to be expected and accepted if you invite the children. I wouldn't have any expectations that they could sit still and silent for the duration of a wedding ceremony. I would expect parents to be prepared to occupy them during it eg maybe snacks/drinks, quiet toys, colouring books maybe. Or perhaps breastfeed if that's their choice. If the children really can't settle then I would expect parents to take them out for a while to calm down.

So... in the OPs case everyone is being a little unreasonable. The OP for implying that the SIL should go to the sideroom. The ILs are being unreasonable to take it so personally, and to interpret the comments so negatively. It can all be resolved with a brief, conciliatory and cheerful email to clear up the misunderstanding and to repeat that they are still welcome.

AuntyMag10 · 05/05/2015 21:46

Rainbow are you the sil.

HazleNutt · 05/05/2015 21:46

No average weaning age is not 4,2 years worldwide, that's a myth based on research of weaning age of animals and speculations what the natural weaning age of humans might be.

It's not considered polite to eat during a wedding ceremony, except of course for newborns who cannot wait. A 3-year old can.

ConnieBaby · 05/05/2015 21:47

Meant to add, because a 3yr old isn't actually getting their food from the breast, comfort yes, and some nutrition yes but their main source of food will be solids so unlike the baby, hunger should not get the better of them during a half hour ceremonial slot.

LadyCatherineDeTurd · 05/05/2015 21:47

No missing, in your post of 21.28 where you quoted me.

MissingYouSoMuch · 05/05/2015 21:48

She is demanding to be allowed to tandem feed during the ceremony rainbow
This has nothing to do with issues about feeding toddlers and everything to do with this couple's quite staggering, entitled over-reaction to the OP offering the use of a room if she wanted to tandem feed.

So, at how many weddings and christenings have you tandem fed?

rainbowtoddle · 05/05/2015 21:49

lady regardless of whether we take an average, median or otherwise, the fact is that normal weaning age is anywhere between 2-7 years old.

AldiQ7 · 05/05/2015 21:50

Aldi care to clarify why not? If the three year old needs a moment feed during a wedding ceremony then why not?

Because they are three and perfectly capable of being being told 'no darling, not right now'.

Sheesh!

HazleNutt · 05/05/2015 21:51

no that's not a fact, but a guess

MissingYouSoMuch · 05/05/2015 21:51

Ah yes Lady... your rather bizarre comparison of a 3 year old not needing to be fed to a wedding not needing vows or even a reception.

rainbowtoddle · 05/05/2015 21:52

missing I have not had the privilege of tandem feeding as my DD1 died but if I was lucky enough to have both my girls alive and well I would happily tandem feed whenever I needed it. If I felt I needed comfort of a sofa or private room I would take it but if I was comfortable where I was and the girls were happy then I would stay put irrespective of the setting. In any case it's clearly a misunderstanding in this case as OP is evidently not adverse to tandem feeding.

Maryz · 05/05/2015 21:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ubik1 · 05/05/2015 21:53

I think people can be unpleasant about breastfeeding.

But on the other hand some people can treat it as some sort of crusade.

LadyCatherineDeTurd · 05/05/2015 21:53

I don't really find the term 'normal' particularly useful wrt weaning rainbow but regardless, you were wrong in your claim that the global average age of weaning is 4.2 years old. I presume that's why you are now attempting to move the goalposts.