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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about SIL breastfeeding issue? Wedding related!

999 replies

SilverSalmon · 05/05/2015 13:08

I'm getting married in 5 weeks and there'll be 6 children at the wedding - 2 small babies and 4 toddlers. Next to the room where we're getting married is another room they use for smaller ceremonies, I asked if they could leave the door open for this in case people need to take out crying/tantrumming children (including my own 4yo DS!). They've agreed and will put sofas and a toy box in the room.

We were at my OH's parents at the weekend and his DB and wife were there. They are bringing their 2 children, our niece (4 months) and nephew (3yo) to the wedding. I told her about the room and said that I can get them sat near it just in case they need to pop out and settle or feed them (she's breastfeeding both). She said that if they need to feed she can just pull her dress down as its low cut, but I said she'll probably be more comfortable in the room as the seats are squahsed close together and may incur a lot of faffing. I've said the same to my cousin who is bring her 2 month old, who is bottle fed (and told SIL-to-be this).

Can I state at this point I'm very pro-breastfeeding, i breastfed DS until he was 2 years old, often in public, and would never ever adopy a 'there's a time and a place' attitude - however having breastfed a child of varying ages I know what a faff it can be especially when they're across your lap when someone is right next to you, so I gave the room idea as I thought it would be more comfortable for them and the children.

This morning OH has received the following email from his DB (names changed obviously):

Hi DB
Laura (SIL-to-be) and I have been discussing the issue of breastfeeding at your wedding and the fact she's been asked to go into another room if she needs to feed during the ceremony. I have to say I'm disappointed in you both as I thought you were pro-breastfeeding. Laura feels very vicitimised by this and we suspect it's because other guests may feel uncomfortable. In which case that's their issue, if they are offended by breasts being used for their natural function then they are welcome to turn their heads. Or, if it's like SilverSalmon says, and it's just for our comfort, we believe it would be easier to just get the children latched on rather than make the fuss of getting up and leaving the room.

I think it may be a good time to also mention that, as you know, Laura tandem feeds and because DS is still feeding when she latches DD on he usually comes up asking for some too. Meaning that it's highly likely that she'll need to tandem feed at various points during the day. We're happy with this and she has chosen a tandem-feeding friendly dress for this reason. Laura is not prepared to be shoved into a side room like she's doing something sordid, she wants to be part of the day too. So wether it be during the ceremony, dinner, speeches etc, she will need to tandem feed and is not prepared to leave the room to do it. I have to put the comfort and needs of my wife and children first. If you're not happy with this arrangement I'm afraid we won't be able to come - I'm not having any of us penalised because of our feeding choices. None of us would enjoy a day where the children and Laura are constantly seperate from me and the feeding is non-negotiable. It's up to you 2 but can you let us know asap and then we do things like cancel the hotel room and return our outfits. I hope you understand our point of view, I don't want to fall out with you but I didn't think breastfeeding would be such an issue!"

So mumsnet AIBU to be upset about this? I genuinely thought I was being helpful when I offered a side room for the ceremony. Help!

OP posts:
Cheby · 05/05/2015 20:15

Also possibly loads more disruption if she tells her toddler 'no' mid ceremony! Might be fine, or toddler might kick off into a big tantrum, which would be far more disruptive.

I don't really get the space issue either. Presumably 3yo would have their own seat at the ceremony. 3yo sits on that side if feeding, no one gets kicked. Plus when you feed a toddler you rarely hold them like a baby, my 2yo sits astride one of my legs facing me, no feet sticking out at all.

ZombieZoo · 05/05/2015 20:16

YANBU
They are being very precious!!

Bodyinpyjamas10 · 05/05/2015 20:19

Well pehaps she thinks no one else in the world had ever breastfed.

It's your wedding op. Personally I
Would email back and withdraw the invite on the grounds that you think they are twats.

And I bf all my 4 Everywhere and the youngest until 3.

Goldmandra · 05/05/2015 20:22

Also possibly loads more disruption if she tells her toddler 'no' mid ceremony! Might be fine, or toddler might kick off into a big tantrum, which would be far more disruptive.

Especially as, being a typical 3YO, he wants it when he sees the baby getting it. They have probably made a point of letting him BF at the same time if he wants to so that he doesn't feel displaced. It isn't quite the same as saying no to a 3YO who just randomly decides he wants to BF and can be put off for a while.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 05/05/2015 20:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rainbowtoddle · 05/05/2015 20:24

In my experience people often use "you will be more comfortable" as a way of saying that you are expected to leave or go elsewhere to feed because it's deemed unacceptable. That's probably how the couple took it and their reaction is entirely reasonable if they understood that DSIL was not welcome to feed unless she went to the separate room. Feeding a three year old, whether alone or in tandem is entirely natural and normal and we should be supporting this couple who defend our right to do so and to normalise it. I have yet to see anyone breastfeeding in anyway but discreetly so people posting comments about her being half naked have obviously not got the first clue about breastfeeding.

MissingYouSoMuch · 05/05/2015 20:25

Which would cause more disruption: a mother just quietly getting her baby to latch on, or a mother getting up, gathering up crying baby and belongings, pushing along the row and leaving the room?

Icimoi

'Banished from the ceremony'? Really? Banished? Hmm

The email alluded to 'Laura' feeling victimised.
It's TWO children she wants to BF.... in tandem.. not one.
Laura and her DH are demanding the right to tandem feed or they wont come to the wedding.

If someone is that self centred that they cannot, just for once, not make a big song and dance about not being able to pull both boobs out to feed an older toddler and a baby in tandem then they are clearly self absorbed, entitled twats. It's a wedding ceremony. I am very pro BF but this woman and her equally ridiculous husband are taking this way to far.

Only1scoop · 05/05/2015 20:28

Where on earth was it indicating she'd be 'banished' Confused

HermioneWeasley · 05/05/2015 20:28

Crikey. They sound like my friend's BIL and his wife, but they can't be the same people because hers only have a daughter. They are the first people EVER to have a child, and no child is as important as theirs. They are no longer speaking to her partner's dad because his brother (so BIL's uncle) made a mildly racist comment at a family gathering and they felt the father did not apologise sufficiently, and how could they expose THEIR PRECIOUS DAUGHTER to a family who allow this to happen?! (not condoning racism, but this seemed like a total over reaction)

It's terrifying that there are other people like them in the world.

FWIW I agree with thr posters saying something along the line of "seems to have been a misunderstanding - the room is available to all parents if it's more comfortable and convenient for them. Laura is of course welcome to feed where and when she chooses. We hope you will be able to join us, but please do let us know as we need to confirm numbers. Love Silver's DP"

MissingYouSoMuch · 05/05/2015 20:30

Icemoi trotted out 'banished'. It was not in the original email

Goldmandra · 05/05/2015 20:30

So wanting to BF one child is great but wanting to DF two makes the mother a self absorbed, entitled twat?

Bizarre.

paxtecum · 05/05/2015 20:30

I bf my DCs until they were 18months old and that was 35 years ago.
I bf anywhere and everywhere. If I was SIL I welcome some comfy sofas in a side room, it would be a nice escape.
I don't think I ever pulled a dress down though to get at a nipple - it was more discreet to pull a top up.

FabulousFudge · 05/05/2015 20:31

They sound horrible. Call their bluff and tell then they're uninvited

MissingYouSoMuch · 05/05/2015 20:33

Yes it does Gold especially when it is placed back into the original context from where you removed it.

Bodyinpyjamas10 · 05/05/2015 20:34

Parenthood just sends some people into major twat mode. avoid avoid in best Darlic accent.

MerryMarigold · 05/05/2015 20:37

Bfing one baby can be done discretely with minimal fuss. Tandem feeding (even baby twins) is not minimal fuss nor discrete. Even bfing them separately would be ok...But really to make such a big fuss out of it is super excited. X

MerryMarigold · 05/05/2015 20:37

Oops entitled not excited !

Bodyinpyjamas10 · 05/05/2015 20:38

Gold come on read the thread. That email is twatty. I bf all my 4.

It's the ops wedding and all about her. Who gives a fuck there's a woman breastfeeding her kids. So what.

Bf is normal. Perhaps the parents kind of need to understand that it's not some sacred alter of womanhood. It's just bf.

HesterShaw · 05/05/2015 20:39

Why does a three year old need to constantly snack?

They are making the wedding all a out them and looking for offence. I wouldn't want them there.

Goldmandra · 05/05/2015 20:43

Yes it does Gold especially when it is placed back into the original context from where you removed it.

I don't see how the context changes anything.

This mother wishes to allow both her DCs to feed at the same time. It is a normal part of natural term BFing. It doesn't have to be a big song and dance. Had she not been 'encouraged' to use a different room to do so, the matter would probably have never been raised with the OP.

Tandem feeding is just breast feeding. It doesn't suddenly become loud and intrusive and people can still avoid seeing it by looking away if they wish.

HesterShaw · 05/05/2015 20:43

On another note, how long is your average civil ceremony? (I'm assuming it's a civil ceremony?) Twenty minutes tops I'd say. My cousin had her eight week old baby at my sister's wedding. He didn't need feeding throughout the ceremony - in fact we hardly even knew he was there - and this baby is older.

Fleecyleesy · 05/05/2015 20:44

Also, they could very easily give the 3yo some chocolate buttons to distract him during the ceremony in the event the baby needs feeding. It's just that they seem to want to cause a distraction.

SolidGoldBrass · 05/05/2015 20:45

Why do people want to BF toddlers FFS? Milk is for babies whether it's from a tit or a bottle; once they are big enough to eat food there's no reason (other than being an attention seeker) to BF except maybe at bedtime (or give a bottle of milk if you're not BFing).

And bollocks to all that stuff about it being 'natural' and therefore somehow morally superior. Lots of things are natural, like malaria and parasitic worms, and dying in childbirth at the age of 12. There is no logical reason at all to continue BF beyond 18 months at the absolute maximum.

AldiQ7 · 05/05/2015 20:48

Yes, why the fuck would a 3 year old need to breastfeed at 'various points during the day'? Your BIL and Laura sound like a pair of total wazzocks.

I like the succinct, 'Hi, sorry for the misunderstanding. The room is there for anyone who would like to use it, no one is under any obligation to do so. See you at the wedding' type email, as it will hopefully make them feel like the ridiculous drama llamas that they are.

DixieNormas · 05/05/2015 20:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.