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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about SIL breastfeeding issue? Wedding related!

999 replies

SilverSalmon · 05/05/2015 13:08

I'm getting married in 5 weeks and there'll be 6 children at the wedding - 2 small babies and 4 toddlers. Next to the room where we're getting married is another room they use for smaller ceremonies, I asked if they could leave the door open for this in case people need to take out crying/tantrumming children (including my own 4yo DS!). They've agreed and will put sofas and a toy box in the room.

We were at my OH's parents at the weekend and his DB and wife were there. They are bringing their 2 children, our niece (4 months) and nephew (3yo) to the wedding. I told her about the room and said that I can get them sat near it just in case they need to pop out and settle or feed them (she's breastfeeding both). She said that if they need to feed she can just pull her dress down as its low cut, but I said she'll probably be more comfortable in the room as the seats are squahsed close together and may incur a lot of faffing. I've said the same to my cousin who is bring her 2 month old, who is bottle fed (and told SIL-to-be this).

Can I state at this point I'm very pro-breastfeeding, i breastfed DS until he was 2 years old, often in public, and would never ever adopy a 'there's a time and a place' attitude - however having breastfed a child of varying ages I know what a faff it can be especially when they're across your lap when someone is right next to you, so I gave the room idea as I thought it would be more comfortable for them and the children.

This morning OH has received the following email from his DB (names changed obviously):

Hi DB
Laura (SIL-to-be) and I have been discussing the issue of breastfeeding at your wedding and the fact she's been asked to go into another room if she needs to feed during the ceremony. I have to say I'm disappointed in you both as I thought you were pro-breastfeeding. Laura feels very vicitimised by this and we suspect it's because other guests may feel uncomfortable. In which case that's their issue, if they are offended by breasts being used for their natural function then they are welcome to turn their heads. Or, if it's like SilverSalmon says, and it's just for our comfort, we believe it would be easier to just get the children latched on rather than make the fuss of getting up and leaving the room.

I think it may be a good time to also mention that, as you know, Laura tandem feeds and because DS is still feeding when she latches DD on he usually comes up asking for some too. Meaning that it's highly likely that she'll need to tandem feed at various points during the day. We're happy with this and she has chosen a tandem-feeding friendly dress for this reason. Laura is not prepared to be shoved into a side room like she's doing something sordid, she wants to be part of the day too. So wether it be during the ceremony, dinner, speeches etc, she will need to tandem feed and is not prepared to leave the room to do it. I have to put the comfort and needs of my wife and children first. If you're not happy with this arrangement I'm afraid we won't be able to come - I'm not having any of us penalised because of our feeding choices. None of us would enjoy a day where the children and Laura are constantly seperate from me and the feeding is non-negotiable. It's up to you 2 but can you let us know asap and then we do things like cancel the hotel room and return our outfits. I hope you understand our point of view, I don't want to fall out with you but I didn't think breastfeeding would be such an issue!"

So mumsnet AIBU to be upset about this? I genuinely thought I was being helpful when I offered a side room for the ceremony. Help!

OP posts:
MummyLuce · 05/05/2015 19:42

Omg they are totally fucking mental!! They sound like actual hell.

I breastfed my toddlers and if anyone had said, at a wedding, here is a comfy room with sofas, away from the noisy, tightly packed tables of people guzzling champagne then I would have been really happy. It's so much pleasanter for the mother (and the children) to have peace and space to feed. And they have to be bloody stupid to think that if she starts feeding a 3 year old and a baby, at the same time, in the middle of a sodding wedding reception with fellow revellers at either elbow that people aren't going to feel uncomfortable. And I say that as someone who regularly feeds toddlers in public.

They are soooooo making a political breast is best type point! Ergh. Tell them to return his suit and her oh so lovely tandem feeding dress.

Goldmandra · 05/05/2015 19:44

I have bfed my 2 till 8mo and they took up bloody loads of space. Kicking and flailing constantly. No one could have sat on the 'leg side' comfortably and I used to have my elbow sticking out of the head side too.

So did you just expect those around you to put up with being kicked or did you anticipate this and make sure you moved your chair or sat in such a way as to prevent you elbowing or your DCs kicking others?

I presume it was the latter, yet, rather oddly, many posters seem to be assuming that this particular mother won't have the insight to do the same.

Presumably if one of them does a massive poo, she won't want to miss out by using the discreet side room, and the other guests will be treated to her changing their nappies on her lap mid-ceremony too!

Clearly everyone who BFs at a dining table can be expected to do this Hmm

PHANTOMnamechanger · 05/05/2015 19:45

for the record, I am not comparing BFing to poo, just wondering where Lauras sense of entitlement stops. She does not think it necessary to consider the comfort/opinions of/disturbance to those around her, and just wants to carry on regardless, and does not want to feel she is missing out by having to be in a different room. Not a huge leap to think she might feel its perfectly OK to change a nappy in the middle of a wedding. Her baby NEEDS it done, so blow everyone else?

MissingYouSoMuch · 05/05/2015 19:45

So she will be pulling her dress down at the front so both children, including an older toddler will be feeding at the same time? While sat amongst other guests? During a wedding ceremony? So no consideration for anyone else just as long as she is ok and not 'victimised' because she wants to BF. Hmm

QueenOfEgypt · 05/05/2015 19:46

Yanbu. That is a slightly nuts email to send IMO.
But for the sake of a keeping the peace (and to not create an issue before your big day or on your big day) just reply and say of course you have nothing against Bfeeding and yes of course SIL can feed the children.

Talk about self centred though (them not you)

306235388 · 05/05/2015 19:50

Haven't RTFT but this would piss me right off.

I'd reply

'There was no suggestion made that she must use the room, it was merely a suggested option. I'm sorry you feel so insecure in your parenting choices that you have taken such offence - I truly thought you were as comfortable with it all as I am. If is been offered a comfy quiet room when I was breastfeeding Ds I'd have been really grateful! I know it's not easy when they're latching on and off and squirming and crying. I was trying to make things easier for you. Obviously we want you to come to the wedding but if you don't feel like you want to then please let us know.

YellowTulips · 05/05/2015 19:50

I'm clearly in a minority here but I think this is just bonkers.

A preference to get your tits out in public in a confined setting rather than use a side room with a comfy sofa is not about having someone questioning your feeding choices it's about using someone's wedding to take the opportunity to feel victimised and promote a militant BF agenda.

AlisonBlunderland · 05/05/2015 19:50

Dear Bil and Sil

I think you misundertood me- the side room (which will be open to the main ceremony room) is there as an option for those parents that want to use it.
No -one is going to shoved in there and made to feel victimised.

Laura is free to feed wherever and when ever she likes, and we know she will make sure that nothing detracts attention from the Bride and Groom who are, of course the most important people that day

(yeah, right...)

3three2two1oneGo · 05/05/2015 19:50

Others have already given all possible advice and suggestions, just wanted to share an experience I had OP. (so have namechanged, just in case...)

I was organising my DS's (not breastfed) baptism and my Auntie asked if we'd got somewhere for my cousin to breastfeed her newborn during the service if necessary.
I explained that she'd be very welcome to bf in the church, and also explained that I'd seen lots of women do this, literally weekly (busy Catholic church, lots of babies, very relaxed, welcoming attitude, openminded priest etc). But I said I'd sort somewhere more private out for her, as an option, so she could be comfortable.

This all got re-translated to my cousin- she was told/ understood (I don't know how the conversation went) that she HAD to go out to another room to bf. And this is what happened.

I didn't find out these details til after the baptism, when we were eating cake and several people were looking daggers at me. My other Auntie told me how angry she would have been if such a thing had happened in her church, how there would have been a massive fuss kicked up etc, if a mother and baby had been sent out of the church to feed. Several people felt the same. They were very angry and felt that our church was an unwelcoming and hostile place.

I tried to explain that there'd been a misunderstanding, but it was all a bit too late. The message took some time to filter through to everyone, and by that time many people thought that I was backtracking.

It's a minefield sometimes, trying to please family and communicate with them properly! I just wish that I'd had the initial conversation with my cousin to avoid the miscommunication.

I am looking forward to hearing your update OP!

Purplepixiedust · 05/05/2015 19:50

Just wanted to chip in and say that I fed my DS until he was 3.5 yrs. I fed him pretty much as and when he wanted until he was about a year but have to say once he got the hang of solids it reduced quite a bit.

By 2 I rarely needed to feed him when out and about - when tired or in need of comfort but he was happy with other food and drink generally. I can't envisage the need to feed him during a wedding ceremony or even reception. Maybe if he was going to nap or later sleep but not otherwise.

While I very much believe it is my right to bf where and when I choose, who would choose to bf a 3 year old in the middle of a wedding ceremony? It just isn't necessary.

The email from BIL & SIL was completely OTT. What an awful couple. Talk about over reacting!

From a personal perspective I would much prefer the option of a sofa to feed a toddler as by that age it became quite awkward having him on my knee. I would feed on sofaa or bed at home. I think having a room with toys and sofas for families is a lovely idea. Would probably have fed 4 month old in ceremony but if he got fractious if say he got too hot, I would take him out so as not to disrupt the ceremony.

306235388 · 05/05/2015 19:51

In reality I'd probably reply

'Sorry I think Laura has misunderstood - it was never an instruction just a suggested alternative if it was easier for her. We hope you will come along and share in our day but please let us know either way.'

Only1scoop · 05/05/2015 19:55

Blimey yanbu

Seems like they want to make a huge point and have some personal issues going on

Wow that's an email and half Shock

Aridane · 05/05/2015 19:57

OP - Imwould be hurt and upset by the email you received, and would not want the sourpusses as my wedding. I liked Penguin's proposed response, your / DP's response was admirably restrained. You have been thoughtful and considerate - shame it was thrown back in your face with such rudeness and hostility. Well done to you and DP for being the bigger person and responding in kind to the guestzillas' rudeness...

TracyBarlow · 05/05/2015 19:57

I think their serious attack of the amateur dramatics is more to do with them DEMANDING THEIR RIGHTS than it is to do with breastfeeding.

It's like rocking up at the polling station on Thursday, banging your fist on the table, and shouting 'I demand that I am afforded my constitutional right to be able to vote.' OK love, just crack on and put a bloody cross in the box would you.

It reminds me of my SIL who is prone to repeated attacks of the amateur dramatics. I once witnessed her taking back a pair of shoes where the leather had obviously been scratched somewhere along the supply chain. She rocked up at the counter, shaking with rage, and began her monologue on consumer rights, before the shopkeeper could even open his mouth. He just pointed silently to the sign on the counter that said 'We refund anyone who isn't 100% happy with their purchase, with or without a receipt.' He handed her the money with a smile and made her look a right dick.

Kewcumber · 05/05/2015 20:01

and make sure you moved your chair or sat in such a way as to prevent you elbowing or your DCs kicking others? Seriously Goldmandra - you think she should be able to start rearranging the chairs in the middle of a ceremony? What if there are pews? How will that work?

Icimoi · 05/05/2015 20:02

Missing, it's nothing to do with anyone being victimised. It's to do with the baby's needs. There is, quite simply, no reason why the SiL should be banished from the ceremony because her baby needs feeding. Which would cause more disruption: a mother just quietly getting her baby to latch on, or a mother getting up, gathering up crying baby and belongings, pushing along the row and leaving the room?

Ketchuphidestheburntbits · 05/05/2015 20:06

Iggi and phantom, unfortunately I have several family members who would be ignorant enough to do exactly what I said (call out 'bitty') especially after a bit of alcohol.

Goldmandra · 05/05/2015 20:08

Seriously Goldmandra - you think she should be able to start rearranging the chairs in the middle of a ceremony? What if there are pews? How will that work?

The point is that being an adult she will be able to work these details out for herself and is unlikely to blithely allow her 3YO to kick other guests.

nickersinaknot · 05/05/2015 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RyanAirVeteran · 05/05/2015 20:09

Dear Milky Miltia

Roses are red
Violets are blue
We are laid back,
Unlike you.

We don't mind seeing your boobs not even the two.
But please don't make our wedding all about you.

Only1scoop · 05/05/2015 20:10
Grin
alrayyan · 05/05/2015 20:10

sod the ins and outs. its your wedding day. Mine was spoilt by in laws sulking over seats. I didn't even like them and had to put their pursed lipped Daily Mail happiness before my own wishes. I regret it so much. I had a shit day and will always feel sad about it.

If there is a danger of this becoming a big drama, cancel the dawn thing and do it abroad. don't let their self indulgent madness spoil your day. Thanks

PrimalLass · 05/05/2015 20:11

Icimoi - it's about trying to feed a 3-year-old at the same time, not just the baby.

DontBeAMeanie · 05/05/2015 20:11

This is why people elope. Sad. It's all bonkers.

Fleecyleesy · 05/05/2015 20:13

I agree BIL and SIL have issues (not breastfeeding) and have created a drama out of nothing.

I'd just reply, sorry about the misunderstanding, the side room was just there as an option for all parents, nobody was required to use it and Laura is welcome to feed wherever she wants.

Then I'd let her get both her tits out in front of great uncle vernon at the dinner table and let him take it from there Grin.

Really a 4mo should be fed before the ceremony, it's pretty obvious isn't it?