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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about SIL breastfeeding issue? Wedding related!

999 replies

SilverSalmon · 05/05/2015 13:08

I'm getting married in 5 weeks and there'll be 6 children at the wedding - 2 small babies and 4 toddlers. Next to the room where we're getting married is another room they use for smaller ceremonies, I asked if they could leave the door open for this in case people need to take out crying/tantrumming children (including my own 4yo DS!). They've agreed and will put sofas and a toy box in the room.

We were at my OH's parents at the weekend and his DB and wife were there. They are bringing their 2 children, our niece (4 months) and nephew (3yo) to the wedding. I told her about the room and said that I can get them sat near it just in case they need to pop out and settle or feed them (she's breastfeeding both). She said that if they need to feed she can just pull her dress down as its low cut, but I said she'll probably be more comfortable in the room as the seats are squahsed close together and may incur a lot of faffing. I've said the same to my cousin who is bring her 2 month old, who is bottle fed (and told SIL-to-be this).

Can I state at this point I'm very pro-breastfeeding, i breastfed DS until he was 2 years old, often in public, and would never ever adopy a 'there's a time and a place' attitude - however having breastfed a child of varying ages I know what a faff it can be especially when they're across your lap when someone is right next to you, so I gave the room idea as I thought it would be more comfortable for them and the children.

This morning OH has received the following email from his DB (names changed obviously):

Hi DB
Laura (SIL-to-be) and I have been discussing the issue of breastfeeding at your wedding and the fact she's been asked to go into another room if she needs to feed during the ceremony. I have to say I'm disappointed in you both as I thought you were pro-breastfeeding. Laura feels very vicitimised by this and we suspect it's because other guests may feel uncomfortable. In which case that's their issue, if they are offended by breasts being used for their natural function then they are welcome to turn their heads. Or, if it's like SilverSalmon says, and it's just for our comfort, we believe it would be easier to just get the children latched on rather than make the fuss of getting up and leaving the room.

I think it may be a good time to also mention that, as you know, Laura tandem feeds and because DS is still feeding when she latches DD on he usually comes up asking for some too. Meaning that it's highly likely that she'll need to tandem feed at various points during the day. We're happy with this and she has chosen a tandem-feeding friendly dress for this reason. Laura is not prepared to be shoved into a side room like she's doing something sordid, she wants to be part of the day too. So wether it be during the ceremony, dinner, speeches etc, she will need to tandem feed and is not prepared to leave the room to do it. I have to put the comfort and needs of my wife and children first. If you're not happy with this arrangement I'm afraid we won't be able to come - I'm not having any of us penalised because of our feeding choices. None of us would enjoy a day where the children and Laura are constantly seperate from me and the feeding is non-negotiable. It's up to you 2 but can you let us know asap and then we do things like cancel the hotel room and return our outfits. I hope you understand our point of view, I don't want to fall out with you but I didn't think breastfeeding would be such an issue!"

So mumsnet AIBU to be upset about this? I genuinely thought I was being helpful when I offered a side room for the ceremony. Help!

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 05/05/2015 20:48

Also, they could very easily give the 3yo some chocolate buttons to distract him during the ceremony in the event the baby needs feeding. It's just that they seem to want to cause a distraction.

We have very odd priorities as a society if we think a 3YO should be prevented from drinking his mother's milk by distraction with chocolates.

TwiggyHeart · 05/05/2015 20:49

YANBU, that email is weird and over the top, if your breastfeeding you just get on with it not worry about sending convoluted emails and threatening to not attend your brothers wedding. If it were me the reply would be along the lines of 'noted, thanks, no offence was intended' but then I'm a bit intolerant of those who make a fuss!

eddielizzard · 05/05/2015 20:49

your response is perfect. the less said the better, as they seem determined to find something offensive. i'd keep as far away from them as possible personally, although they'd probably take offence at that too!

MissingYouSoMuch · 05/05/2015 20:52

I don't see how the context changes anything

Clearly not Hmm

This mother wishes to allow both her DCs to feed at the same time. It is a normal part of natural term BFing

And of course the mother just couldn't work around a wedding ceremony on this occasion could she.

You are missing the point Gold but to be expected I guess.

Goldmandra · 05/05/2015 20:53

There is no logical reason at all to continue BF beyond 18 months at the absolute maximum.

There is no logical reason to stop an 18 month old from drinking his mother's milk and replacing it with that from a cow.

There is also no logical reason for preventing a 3YO from drinking his mother's milk by distracting him with chocolates.

If people have a problem seeing children breast feeding, it is their behaviour that needs to change, not that of the mother feeding her child or the child who wants to be fed.

MissingYouSoMuch · 05/05/2015 20:58

Off you go Gold on that tangent

Effiewhaursmabaffies · 05/05/2015 20:58

Its 30 minutes for the ceramony. The child does not need to be fed during the ceramony. If he has a tantrum then BIL can take him to the room OP has arranged for the other tantruming DCs. Its the equivalent of all the grown ups breaking out the popcorn and crisps and sitting back to enjoy the show. Bloody bad manners.

AldiQ7 · 05/05/2015 20:59

Yes, sometimes the world doesn't revolve around the breastfeeding of a 3 year old. I would say a wedding is an example of onenof those times. Just like a wedding is a time when other things might have to be changed for children (eg. The might not have their lunch at the time they normally do, or the might go to her a bit later). Kids don't tend to implode if things are done slightly differently for one day.

If you are so offended by chocolate buttons goldmandra then maybe he OPs SIL could offer her PFB some organic carrot sticks with humous instead, if he absolutely must have a snack in the middle of a wedding ceremony.

AldiQ7 · 05/05/2015 21:01

*bed not her! One of many typos in that post, fucking phone!

nickersinaknot · 05/05/2015 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spiney · 05/05/2015 21:02

There were a few years of my life where I always seemed to be BFeeding a baby, managing a toddler or both during every wedding I went to. I'm sure I must have missed a few important bits of those ceremonies but c'est la vie. Sometimes it went like a dream but of course sometimes, as we all know too well, it didn't. The best laid plans etc Baby fussing, teething, toddler getting antsy, tired, who knows.....

I NEVER willingly let my children disturb others or distract from the main event. On those occasions I knew it wasn't about us. I would have been very grateful at times to have had a room out of the public eye where I could have settled my Dcs and made sure they were happy. Sometimes it wouldn't have been needed.

I don't think Bil/Sil get this. I think they they are on their high horses generally about BFeeding. They are forgetting who the wedding is actually about. And its not them.

MerryMarigold · 05/05/2015 21:02

Grin I agree with you solid gold brass

YellowTulips · 05/05/2015 21:04

I sometimes think the BF Mafia do more to damage their cause with stances like this than actually thinking there are some occasions where public BF isn't actually that appropriate.

Especially when your not being prevented from feeding - just determined to do it publicly to make a point.

Flame away.......

MrsHenryCrawford · 05/05/2015 21:05

Tell her she is more than welcome to tandem feed wherever she likes, even when she is posing for the family photos.

Yanbu, they seem very self centered

AuntyMag10 · 05/05/2015 21:05

YY SolidGold!!!!

Janus · 05/05/2015 21:06

Silver, I'd be gobsmacked if I got that email, I'm sorry but it's so over the top and just rude and making this all a much bigger issue than it should have been.
I have breastfed 4 children, each past a year old and there are just times when, if possible, I would take myself off. My brother, in particular, was horrified if I started rustling my top when I was near him! I totally understand why he was and do not think he was wrong to feel like that.
I have breastfed on a packed commuter train at the table with 3 business men as I refused to go to the stinking toilet to do it.
I went to a 50th party when one of mine was about 6 weeks old, filled with all my dh family, including several 70/80 year olds and I just knew they would feel embarrassed if I had done it sat in the marquee in front of them all as I'm afraid there is always a 3 second window when your breast is out there and the baby hasn't latched on, I didn't feel like showing the whole party that. So I took myself off to a bedroom and my 80 year old MIL came with me and we had a lovely chat.
I do believe if you breastfeed you should have a little sense of when to try and be a bit more discrete and at a wedding I think that is one of those places that tandom breastfeeding a baby and a toddler will cause a bit of a stir. I would be so much more relaxed in a private room. Also, does a 3 year old not get told when s/he is fed? I didn't carry on that late but is it not the age when you can discuss that they will sometimes be told 'not right now' without them collapsing into a tantrum?
Anyway, I digress!! I would send an email with no apology saying of course they can feed wherever they want. You can hope they choose to be a bit discrete but if they are not it won't ruin anything.
Have a fantastic day!

Maryz · 05/05/2015 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SleepRefugee · 05/05/2015 21:08

"the BF mafia" Confused

The mafia is a criminal organisation. Lovely comparison.

Have we been likened to the Nationsl Socialists yet?

Mrsantithetic · 05/05/2015 21:10

I'm tandem feeding a two year old and a nine month old and yes often at the same time. its hardly discreet especially when they pull off to have a conversation mid way through or the baby pulls toddlers hair.

plus the toddler is more than capable of understanding when and when isn't an appropriate time.

Just email back. "whatever. Not sure where Laura got that idea from. The room was an offer not an order. if you're not coming need to know now so can let venue know. thanks

NoNameDame · 05/05/2015 21:10

Yabu

Well you are a little bit, any bride or groom gets to be a little bit unreasonable on a day they've been planning for months and have possibly spent £20k on. I would ask that anyone who is going to cause a disruption (tandem breast feeding, coughing fit, need to take a phone calls, eating a packet of crisps etc) go out of the room.

It would be unreasonable of you to make her leave and not provide a different room but not a problem to say if anyone causes a disruption you expect them to do everything reasonable to minimise that disruption.

Ubik1 · 05/05/2015 21:10

Blimey I breastfed all three of mine (not at the same time) and would have been delighted with a quiet side room at various functions.

These relatives sound like utter sanctimonious bores. Just tell them the room is there if they want yo use it and then forget about it.

Have a lovely wedding

McFox · 05/05/2015 21:10

They sound like militant twats.

I can't imagine why anyone else would bf a toddler either. It's not necessary and a 3 year old is old enough to understand why it's not.

GraysAnalogy · 05/05/2015 21:12

This just reinforces to me that if I did ever get married there'll be a no children rule.

SoldierBear · 05/05/2015 21:12

"Laura feels victimised".
Laura needs to get over herself. She and BIL are shit stirring. anything other than a mass breastfeed is going to offend them. No doubt if any other parent dares to use a bottle to feed their child or uses the room with comfy sofas they will take it as a personal insult specifically designed to upset them and denigrate their parenting choices.
Just tell the you don't care where she feeds, if she feeds singly or in tandem or even if she doesn't come at all but you do care that they are deliberately taking offence where they know none was intended and you will not tolerate this behaviour. They are invited to an event - they can chose whether or not to attend but they cannot lay down silly ultimatums.

LadyCatherineDeTurd · 05/05/2015 21:14

To further expand the 'need' point, while a 3 year old does not actually need to be breastfed, the wedding will presumably involve a lot of things that don't, strictly speaking, need to happen? And nobody is objecting to them. There don't actually need to be any vows, not for it to be legal. Or guests aside from a couple of witnesses. There doesn't need to be a party afterwards. Plenty of weddings don't involve one. The guests don't really need to be fed either. Maybe if they're diabetic or pregnant, but the rest of them can go a few hours without a meal and not suffer any great ill effect. I'm struggling to see why it's only the three year old's breastfeeding preferences that must be pared down to what's strictly necessary? (For the record, I formula feed through choice because the possibility that there might, if it were actually possible to control for class, be benefits that are imperceptible on an individual level if I breastfed is simply not worth having to do all the night feeds. So please no militant lactivist comments).

Also, on the subject of the elderly, my granddad didn't care about public breastfeeding. Or gays. He did absolutely hate Presbyterians though. Should we be giving credence to all backwards attitudes expressed by over 80s, or just the ones who don't like breastfeeding? Why?