about SIL breastfeeding issue? Wedding related!

[SilverSalmon]

I'm getting married in 5 weeks and there'll be 6 children at the wedding - 2 small babies and 4 toddlers. Next to the room where we're getting married is another room they use for smaller ceremonies, I asked if they could leave the door open for this in case people need to take out crying/tantrumming children (including my own 4yo DS!). They've agreed and will put sofas and a toy box in the room.

We were at my OH's parents at the weekend and his DB and wife were there. They are bringing their 2 children, our niece (4 months) and nephew (3yo) to the wedding. I told her about the room and said that I can get them sat near it just in case they need to pop out and settle or feed them (she's breastfeeding both). She said that if they need to feed she can just pull her dress down as its low cut, but I said she'll probably be more comfortable in the room as the seats are squahsed close together and may incur a lot of faffing. I've said the same to my cousin who is bring her 2 month old, who is bottle fed (and told SIL-to-be this).

Can I state at this point I'm very pro-breastfeeding, i breastfed DS until he was 2 years old, often in public, and would never ever adopy a 'there's a time and a place' attitude - however having breastfed a child of varying ages I know what a faff it can be especially when they're across your lap when someone is right next to you, so I gave the room idea as I thought it would be more comfortable for them and the children.

This morning OH has received the following email from his DB (names changed obviously):

Hi DB
Laura (SIL-to-be) and I have been discussing the issue of breastfeeding at your wedding and the fact she's been asked to go into another room if she needs to feed during the ceremony. I have to say I'm disappointed in you both as I thought you were pro-breastfeeding. Laura feels very vicitimised by this and we suspect it's because other guests may feel uncomfortable. In which case that's their issue, if they are offended by breasts being used for their natural function then they are welcome to turn their heads. Or, if it's like SilverSalmon says, and it's just for our comfort, we believe it would be easier to just get the children latched on rather than make the fuss of getting up and leaving the room.

I think it may be a good time to also mention that, as you know, Laura tandem feeds and because DS is still feeding when she latches DD on he usually comes up asking for some too. Meaning that it's highly likely that she'll need to tandem feed at various points during the day. We're happy with this and she has chosen a tandem-feeding friendly dress for this reason. Laura is not prepared to be shoved into a side room like she's doing something sordid, she wants to be part of the day too. So wether it be during the ceremony, dinner, speeches etc, she will need to tandem feed and is not prepared to leave the room to do it. I have to put the comfort and needs of my wife and children first. If you're not happy with this arrangement I'm afraid we won't be able to come - I'm not having any of us penalised because of our feeding choices. None of us would enjoy a day where the children and Laura are constantly seperate from me and the feeding is non-negotiable. It's up to you 2 but can you let us know asap and then we do things like cancel the hotel room and return our outfits. I hope you understand our point of view, I don't want to fall out with you but I didn't think breastfeeding would be such an issue!"

So mumsnet AIBU to be upset about this? I genuinely thought I was being helpful when I offered a side room for the ceremony. Help!

I'd let them talk themselves out of coming at all and then breathe a massive sigh of relief when they do.

YANBU unreasonable to offer a comfortable refuge for breast/formula feeding.

YWBU to try and force the use of the area for breast/formula feeding

YABVVU divulging such a personal email on a public internet forum.

Ask MNHQ to delete this thread but expect that almost BIL and SIL will have seen it and taken huge offence.

just reply

"I really don't care where your wife feeds or how often, just thought she'd be more comfortable on a sofa than a hard chair, squeezed in by other guests. She can spend all day feeding where she likes how she likes. I don't care.

see you soon
love
silver."

Job done.

Why would she expect that they'd seen it?!

I know, I have posted what I would reply to the pompous arses up thread. I was just talking about the comparison of 'older people might find it embarrassing/awkward' strand of a discussion which has splintered off. Like the OP my concern would be the physical comfort of all guests, including the bfer, the bfees and those sitting in close proximity who may get kicked.

But the OP wasn't about tandem feeding or feeding a toddler at all.

It was about suggesting a room to BF a four month old if the SIL might feel more comfortable. If she doesn't, that's fine.

The toddler/tandem feeding only came up because of the ridiculous email from the brother. And yes it was ridiculous because of his use of the word victimised.

I don't think the OP was about the tandem feeding or toddler feeding - she didn't even think of the toddler beforehand so i'm not sure why has this thread become about extended BF.

Whether bf a 3 year old is unusual or not, you will be very lucky if nobody calls out 'bitty' when they see what is happening.

Op, YANBU

That email has made me
What a pair of pompous, self absorbed twats.
I can just picture them returning their outfits

You keep strange company, Ketchup. I'm glad I don't live in such a world!

to be fair in ketchup defence after a few glasses of vino/beer I wouldn't put it past an ignorant member of family spouting crap thinking it would be funny...

you will be very lucky if nobody calls out 'bitty' you must live in a very different world to mine! NO ONE I know would EVER say that, especailly not at someones wedding!

Its hilarious how some people seem to think breast feeding and tandem breast feeding needs loads of space. It's just feeding. It's just an every day thing that she will be very proficient at. Everyone
will busy looking at the bride, groom, speeches, vows, first dance, food. Your SIL won't be centre of stage feeding the way she always does. Yes people might notice but don't forget many of the elder generation breast fed themselves and actually have breasts. I don't understand the outrage. She's not giving her DH a BJ as you walk down the isle or lap dancing the vicar as you eat your wedding meal.

What a bizarre email. Sounds like Laura may be looking to be offended. And her DH is indulging her sadly.

Sorry but OP seems to me to be trying to cater to everyone's needs including offering a quiet room for parents and children if they want to use it - for whatever reason.

A simple email apologising if they have misunderstood your intention etc etc. but from a guests point of view as a pp said I would not relish sitting next to a large toddler climbing around trying to latch on

I actually think you should find the best, most sought after toy or attraction that a three year old would like, install it in the side room and watch the 3 yr old drag his pompous parents to it!

YABU though to reprint a private email verbatim. I've seen this a lot on MN recently, don't people have any sense of privacy or boundaries any more?

I have bfed my 2 till 8mo and they took up bloody loads of space. Kicking and flailing constantly. No one could have sat on the 'leg side' comfortably and I used to have my elbow sticking out of the head side too.

I suspect this will turn out to be a drama over nothing.

"don't forget many of the elder generation breast fed themselves"

Now that is a novelty.

Sorry.

it was hard enough BFing a baby with a toddler wanting to be on my lap for a cuddle at the same time! It was tricky sitting on a comfy sofa BFing a long stretched out 2 yo, with a pillow and a sofa arm for support!

I cannot imagine how tricky it must be to BF 2 larger than new borns at the same time, how do you pick them both up to latch them on? what if one is wriggly and you have no spare hands? how do you cope if one is sick? how do you even hold the heavy toddler effectively without getting a dead arm?

Hats of to all those who have managed to tandem feed but really, there is a huge difference between managing in your own home and in the middle of someones wedding! Presumably if one of them does a massive poo, she won't want to miss out by using the discreet side room, and the other guests will be treated to her changing their nappies on her lap mid-ceremony too!

I'd get much more sleep if DS could feed himself.

Comparing bf to poo - bingo!

Grunt

Someone had to do it.

Why has this turned into a discussion about whether the 3 year old needs to be breastfed? I can't see how that's got anything to do with it at all. It is true that children of that age, as a group, don't need to be breastfed, as evidenced by the fact that globally most of them aren't, and that there are millions of healthy, nonbreastfed 3 year olds on the planet. But if that's what it takes to shut a whiny small child up during a wedding, surely it's in everyone's interests for you to do it immediately if not before? You use the tools you have in those circumstances, be it breastfeeding, fruit shoots, dummy or gin. The only issue here is whether the seats are indeed too tightly packed for there to be room.