about SIL breastfeeding issue? Wedding related!

[SilverSalmon]

I'm getting married in 5 weeks and there'll be 6 children at the wedding - 2 small babies and 4 toddlers. Next to the room where we're getting married is another room they use for smaller ceremonies, I asked if they could leave the door open for this in case people need to take out crying/tantrumming children (including my own 4yo DS!). They've agreed and will put sofas and a toy box in the room.

We were at my OH's parents at the weekend and his DB and wife were there. They are bringing their 2 children, our niece (4 months) and nephew (3yo) to the wedding. I told her about the room and said that I can get them sat near it just in case they need to pop out and settle or feed them (she's breastfeeding both). She said that if they need to feed she can just pull her dress down as its low cut, but I said she'll probably be more comfortable in the room as the seats are squahsed close together and may incur a lot of faffing. I've said the same to my cousin who is bring her 2 month old, who is bottle fed (and told SIL-to-be this).

Can I state at this point I'm very pro-breastfeeding, i breastfed DS until he was 2 years old, often in public, and would never ever adopy a 'there's a time and a place' attitude - however having breastfed a child of varying ages I know what a faff it can be especially when they're across your lap when someone is right next to you, so I gave the room idea as I thought it would be more comfortable for them and the children.

This morning OH has received the following email from his DB (names changed obviously):

Hi DB
Laura (SIL-to-be) and I have been discussing the issue of breastfeeding at your wedding and the fact she's been asked to go into another room if she needs to feed during the ceremony. I have to say I'm disappointed in you both as I thought you were pro-breastfeeding. Laura feels very vicitimised by this and we suspect it's because other guests may feel uncomfortable. In which case that's their issue, if they are offended by breasts being used for their natural function then they are welcome to turn their heads. Or, if it's like SilverSalmon says, and it's just for our comfort, we believe it would be easier to just get the children latched on rather than make the fuss of getting up and leaving the room.

I think it may be a good time to also mention that, as you know, Laura tandem feeds and because DS is still feeding when she latches DD on he usually comes up asking for some too. Meaning that it's highly likely that she'll need to tandem feed at various points during the day. We're happy with this and she has chosen a tandem-feeding friendly dress for this reason. Laura is not prepared to be shoved into a side room like she's doing something sordid, she wants to be part of the day too. So wether it be during the ceremony, dinner, speeches etc, she will need to tandem feed and is not prepared to leave the room to do it. I have to put the comfort and needs of my wife and children first. If you're not happy with this arrangement I'm afraid we won't be able to come - I'm not having any of us penalised because of our feeding choices. None of us would enjoy a day where the children and Laura are constantly seperate from me and the feeding is non-negotiable. It's up to you 2 but can you let us know asap and then we do things like cancel the hotel room and return our outfits. I hope you understand our point of view, I don't want to fall out with you but I didn't think breastfeeding would be such an issue!"

So mumsnet AIBU to be upset about this? I genuinely thought I was being helpful when I offered a side room for the ceremony. Help!

"Everyone's feelings are equally important and while some may make fun of extended bf, it can quite easily go the other way with extended bf's being so self absorbed they refuse to consider others feelings at all."

I refer to Cheby's comments above. Seriously, would people make remarks like this about, I dunno, gay men holding hands? "Those gays, they're so self-absorbed they refuse to consider the feelings of homophobes! Doing it blatantly in front of the older generation!"

As much of a PITA and drama llama as my in-laws are being I think people are being very derogatory on this thread to people who, like myself once, feed toddlers - I know not everyone is in love with the idea (hence me saying I'd rather she didn't at our wedding in front of people with fragile sensibilities) but the language used on here (tit swinging, Little Britain etc) is frankly idiotic

If you really want to live in a society that supports BFing and makes it socially acceptable for all, you have to be seen to support it fully.

Saying "I support it but not at my wedding" isn't supporting it.

If someone is ridiculous enough to comment on it to you on your wedding day you will have the opportunity to tell them you think it's brilliant and they don't have to look if they don't want to. It's hardly going to wreck the day.

Until people can fully support BFing and expect others to fully accept it as a natural and normal way to feed your baby, society will still be full of the kind of idiots who have filled this thread with comments about it being exhibitionism or making a point, how she should find a way to refuse the toddler and her being an attention-seeking hippy.

Is she the sort of mother who usually allows her child to kick other people unchallenged or is there something about BFing that means she will lose all sense of responsibility?

Why does anyone need to have an opinion on how this woman feeds her children? Why not just let her get on with it, expect her to make sure her child doesn't kick anyone and expect those around her to behave like adults and not look if they don't want to see it?

Lastly, why does that family have to be demoted to the back of the room as punishment? Can't they just sit where they would normally sit?

Don't encourage his ridiculous pomposity by replying. Definitely don't apologise because they choose to be professionally offended.
Do be annoyed at this silly attempt to hijack your wedding ceremony and turn it into all about Laura's rights to bf wherever and whenever when you were only concerned about the comfort if all your guests, including those at risk of being conked by a 3 year old jostling for space.

People need a little perspective here.

OP is perfectly entitled to say "I have no issue. But I'm paying for these people to stuff their faces and instead of upsetting the sensibilities of Auntie Gertrude, who is wrong but won't change, I'm going to move tables. Why? Because it's my wedding day that I'm forking out for and I'll have to listen to the complaints of the masses, so bizarrely I don't want the focus on Laura's tits or whomever may be suckling on them."

I can see where they are coming from tbh. I think it was fine to offer but really I think you went over the line a little to tell her shed be more comfortable hidden in the special side room.

Not aimed at OP:

The language used here against mothers who breastfeed their toddlers
Some of you are just hidiously uninformed and/or just down right

Guestzilla

"leedy its just crazy to compare being a homophobe to accepting people find it odd that a 3yr old is bf on demand."

There's a different between "finding it odd" (fine, you can find whatever you like odd) and "shouldn't have to look at it/you should protect their sensitivities and not do it front of them", though. And yeah, there I think the homophobia analogy works. Why shouldn't they have to look at it? Why should it be ok that they find it disgusting or embarrassing?

In-laws = pompous
OP = asking for trouble by pushing the room onto someone who didn't want it.

I find a lot of things odd. Ugg boots, milk in coffee. The problem is people turning up their noses/judging the child being bf, whether they find it odd or not is neither here nor there.

...well that's just great. I start to go off on a rant and get carried away and press "post" too soon

ANYWAY, yes some of you need to think about the way you express your opinions. Its fine to disagree with something without resorting to hurtful and offensive name calling and mocking people. Its just unnecessary.

In your position I'd do what most are suggesting and tell them the room was only offered as an option. However if she didn't use it and ended up inconveniencing other guests I'd be royally p'd off.

Interestingly, I wonder if they would take their 3 year old into that room to deal with a tantrum or demand to remain in the main room to be part of the day.

The tone of the email is very sanctimonious and unnecessarily confrontational.

I wonder if, in the actual moment, in the wedding party room itself, as opposed to in theory, Laura might decide that tandem feeding a baby and a three year old in front of great Auntie Val and your DH's mates from work isn't exactly what she wants to do.

I think the email is arsey because she feels that she is being told to go and feed in another room. Reply back in a few day and clarify that the room is available for the use of people with children, should they need it. Don't apologise though.

I think they probably interpreted 'more comfortable' as mentally more comfortable (because she's on her own) rather than bodily more comfortable (because she's sitting on a sofa rather than a hard chair)

I'd just roll my eyes, have a moan at DF and say of course you don't mind - the room's just there if she wants a bit more space/three year old wants a run around etc. but of course she can feed where she likes.

For practical purposes I would have to agree that tandem feeding a baby and 3 year old mid-ceremony whilst still seated would be a) difficult and uncomfortable for the mother and b) painful for her neighbours when they get walloped by an elbow. They are being sanctimonious and selfish in the extreme; "it's my way or the highway". I think you were very thoughtful for arranging a comfortable alternative. It's a different matter at the reception or evening do when I'd say there wasn't an issue - but it doesn't sound as though those times were the problem from your OP.

For the record I'm a huge advocate of breastfeeding.

Is it possible that, being a long-term BFer, SIL-to-be feels very criticised as it is (as well as stressed with a new baby and a toddler) and feels a little let down by / disappointed in you? Just phone her up and say you didn't mean to offend!

(and yes, the language on here! bloody hell. )

Why can't gay people wait to hold hands till they're in private? Auntie Val might mind.

Thank goodness I had a child free wedding as I couldn't have been arsed with this sort of stress. I'd tell them not to bother attending and revoke the invitation.

We haven't had an extended bf bunfight for a while. I have got no buns ready
The thing is OP is that you do have a preference for her using the side room, you have said so on here. That doesn't make you not pro-breastfeeding nor is it an unreasonable preference but it is a preference nonetheless and it will have come across when you discussed it. Hence the reply, unreasonable though it is in tone and intention.
I can see all sides to be honest and have splinters in my bum but it all depends which death she wants to die:
throwing her dummy out and not going
feeding in sideroom and rightly or wrongly feeling sidelined
tandem feeding and being judged on it by other guests even if it is non verbal
I would have picked the sideroom personally but it also depends how long she bf for and how many times during the day. If the baby is still little and often I would probably have bf the baby throughout and toddler has sippy cup with milk/juice until naptime (when would have taken them to sideroom for bf). That would have been doable with my two though, maybe she isn't as lucky.

Some people might not like extended bf - that's their problem. I'm glad there are women like the OPs SIL refusing to be pressured in to using a side room - it makes life so much easier for the next generation of women to breastfeed in public. It'd be nice to think it's all very acceptable now, but the attitudes on this thread (and elsewhere) show that it isn't.

OP, you were being very considerate providing a separate room for those who wish to use it. However, as soon as SIL said she'd be fine in her seat YWBU to try to tell her where she'd be more comfortable. That was a mistake and you should apologise for it.

I know loads of people who feel the same about bfing as they do gay people - 'it's fine as long as it's discrete/ not in my face'. By that they mean invisible so they don't have to think about it. I think it was a good comparison.