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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about SIL breastfeeding issue? Wedding related!

999 replies

SilverSalmon · 05/05/2015 13:08

I'm getting married in 5 weeks and there'll be 6 children at the wedding - 2 small babies and 4 toddlers. Next to the room where we're getting married is another room they use for smaller ceremonies, I asked if they could leave the door open for this in case people need to take out crying/tantrumming children (including my own 4yo DS!). They've agreed and will put sofas and a toy box in the room.

We were at my OH's parents at the weekend and his DB and wife were there. They are bringing their 2 children, our niece (4 months) and nephew (3yo) to the wedding. I told her about the room and said that I can get them sat near it just in case they need to pop out and settle or feed them (she's breastfeeding both). She said that if they need to feed she can just pull her dress down as its low cut, but I said she'll probably be more comfortable in the room as the seats are squahsed close together and may incur a lot of faffing. I've said the same to my cousin who is bring her 2 month old, who is bottle fed (and told SIL-to-be this).

Can I state at this point I'm very pro-breastfeeding, i breastfed DS until he was 2 years old, often in public, and would never ever adopy a 'there's a time and a place' attitude - however having breastfed a child of varying ages I know what a faff it can be especially when they're across your lap when someone is right next to you, so I gave the room idea as I thought it would be more comfortable for them and the children.

This morning OH has received the following email from his DB (names changed obviously):

Hi DB
Laura (SIL-to-be) and I have been discussing the issue of breastfeeding at your wedding and the fact she's been asked to go into another room if she needs to feed during the ceremony. I have to say I'm disappointed in you both as I thought you were pro-breastfeeding. Laura feels very vicitimised by this and we suspect it's because other guests may feel uncomfortable. In which case that's their issue, if they are offended by breasts being used for their natural function then they are welcome to turn their heads. Or, if it's like SilverSalmon says, and it's just for our comfort, we believe it would be easier to just get the children latched on rather than make the fuss of getting up and leaving the room.

I think it may be a good time to also mention that, as you know, Laura tandem feeds and because DS is still feeding when she latches DD on he usually comes up asking for some too. Meaning that it's highly likely that she'll need to tandem feed at various points during the day. We're happy with this and she has chosen a tandem-feeding friendly dress for this reason. Laura is not prepared to be shoved into a side room like she's doing something sordid, she wants to be part of the day too. So wether it be during the ceremony, dinner, speeches etc, she will need to tandem feed and is not prepared to leave the room to do it. I have to put the comfort and needs of my wife and children first. If you're not happy with this arrangement I'm afraid we won't be able to come - I'm not having any of us penalised because of our feeding choices. None of us would enjoy a day where the children and Laura are constantly seperate from me and the feeding is non-negotiable. It's up to you 2 but can you let us know asap and then we do things like cancel the hotel room and return our outfits. I hope you understand our point of view, I don't want to fall out with you but I didn't think breastfeeding would be such an issue!"

So mumsnet AIBU to be upset about this? I genuinely thought I was being helpful when I offered a side room for the ceremony. Help!

OP posts:
diddl · 05/05/2015 15:37

I can see why they thought that you were trying to encourage her to use the other room, but what a reaction!

I think I would halve your husband's email as he's saying the same thing twice, isn't he?

Original poster
SilverSalmon · 05/05/2015 15:37

Also I agree with leedy about toddlers needing breastfeeding - my boy was like a hoover on my boobs especially when he got to pulling the top down phase! He may not have needed the milk to survive but it was his sort of comfort blanket. Although by age 2 he definitely would have gone all day without a feed and not batted an eyelid and we did go to a couple of weddings without me having to feed him!

OP posts:
PenguindreamsofDraco · 05/05/2015 15:38

Gruntfuttock Grin Yeah, mine wasn't the most tactful but the sheer pomposity of the email got right on my tits. As it were.

leedy · 05/05/2015 15:38

"Op offered sil a comfy sofa to breastfeed on should she wish to do so."

She did, which was lovely, except she then more or less told the SIL that she should feed there rather than anywhere else ("I'll be fine in X place" "No, you'll be more comfortable leaving the ceremony and going into the other room", etc.). Whereupon SIL kind of justifiably took umbrage. OP also admitted she actually didn't want her feeding during the ceremony and did want her to use the not so optional "option". So it wasn't really a "a nice option should you wish to use it" and more "this is where I want you to do it".

That said, totally agree that the tone of the SIL's email was OTT, btw. I swear we natural term breastfeeders aren't all like that.

TheBookofRuth · 05/05/2015 15:39

I'm torn, tbh. I am tandem feeding my three year old and nine month old and would be very hurt to be asked to do so in a private room as if I was doing something shameful. But that wouldn't happen, because by the time her brother came along, DD was old enough to understand that breastfeeding was something she only got to do at home.

I think your BIL is brilliant for coming out so strongly in defence of his wife's feeding choices though.

sarascompact · 05/05/2015 15:39

I'm with several of the previous posters. I find your DB and SiL self centred and rude and I'd be telling them not to bother coming.

diddl · 05/05/2015 15:40

I'd just send this tbh

"I think there's been some crossed wires here - Silver certainly doesn't want Laura to feed anywhere she's not comfortable and the side room is something we're suggesting to all parents attending on the day, if they wish to use it."

Perhaps mentioning/pointing out rather than suggesting?

leedy · 05/05/2015 15:42

That sounds like a reasonable reply, diddl.

Tequilashotsfor1 · 05/05/2015 15:48

Oh the drama they must of had when they got home. I'd reply :-

"Stop being a dick. Silver didnt imply that. If you want to come, come"

Original poster
SilverSalmon · 05/05/2015 15:49

diddl I think you've got it spot on, we'll send that with 'hope you can make it' on the end - bigger person and all that!

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 05/05/2015 15:51

I swear we natural term breastfeeders aren't all like that

I'm not so sure based on the responses here!

diddl · 05/05/2015 15:53

I mean really, bil could just have asked for clarification whether or not using the other room was optional!

I mean if he has "form" for overreacting like this, I can't see point in too much explanation, as he'll probably read something else into it.

Which is why I wouldn't bother to say that you'll seat them at an end.

He'll probably find fault with that!

fatlazymummy · 05/05/2015 15:55

Yeah, I just can't believe anyone would think it was normal behaviour to tandem breastfeed a 3 year old in the middle of a wedding ceremony, when there is a comfortable room provided next door.It isn't a normal accepted behaviour in our culture (rightly or wrongly) ,it would attract attention and it would be rude for that reason.
YANBU, Op

Original poster
SilverSalmon · 05/05/2015 15:55

Walter to be fair I know a fair few natural term breastfeeders (myself included) and Bil and SIL to be are the only ones who make an issue of it

OP posts:
CatsCantTwerk · 05/05/2015 15:57

I never comment on breastfeeding threads but your dbil and Laura would have more chance of being bitten by a daffodil than coming to my wedding (if it was my wedding).

I would not at all be happy with someone tandem feeding at my ceremony, Not only would it possibly make guests uncomfortable (regardless of what people say a lot of older people would feel uncomfortable ) but why would I want any photographs/videos of my vows with someone sitting in the background with their baps out and 2 dc hanging off them.

And before I get jumped on, I bf all three of my dc.

Original poster
SilverSalmon · 05/05/2015 15:58

Thanks diddl I think you're right. We haven't had fall outs with them before although he does have the sense of humour of a leaf and is very opinionated about most things so I wasn't altogether surprised they took offence, many things offend them

I shall let you all know if they reply!

OP posts:
EstRusMum · 05/05/2015 16:00

I think there might be a problem created by them if she will tandem feed in public. Just imagine: some of older relatives sees it and does Shock. Her husband sees it and shouts across the church "Yes, she is bfing! Do you have a problem with that?!" This is the impression I get from his email - that he might do something like that.
I would uninvite them. Wouldn't risk it.

nickersinaknot · 05/05/2015 16:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

balletnotlacrosse · 05/05/2015 16:02

They do seem to be on a self righteous crusade. Sometimes it's the people who are most vocal about how normal and natural breastfeeding is that make the most fuss and kerfuffle about it.

fatlazymummy · 05/05/2015 16:06

If a 3 year old can't sit through the ceremony without going into a strop then take them out. The ceremony is about the bride and groom, not the 3 year old and the right to breastfeed whenever he wants.

MiaowTheCat · 05/05/2015 16:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kelly1814 · 05/05/2015 16:11

I cannot imagine anything worse than saying my wedding vows to the man I love on the my wedding day and looking up to see a 3 year old swinging off someone's tit. And I'm pro breast feeding.

YANBU.

spudholes · 05/05/2015 16:14

I find this obsession with breastfeeding a bit weird tbh. They sound nuts. I can understand a young baby needing to be fed, but a 3 year old child?

Bluestocking · 05/05/2015 16:15

They sound like "The Modern Parents" from Viz.

SideOrderofChips · 05/05/2015 16:19

YANBU OP.

You know that if she does it all day people will more talk about her than your wedding in years to come.