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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if anyone else feels this was about their children..

179 replies

LokiBear · 04/05/2015 08:44

I have one dd aged 3. My DH is a very hands on parent. We co - parent 50-50. Neither of us will make a decision without the other parent agreeing and we each have the power of veto. In terms of day to day care, we both work therefore we share everything, although I would say I probably do 60% compared to dh 40%. Anyway, to my question: some friends of ours have recently split and are involved in negotiations as to whom the children with live with. We were discussing how sad it was and dh said that it would kill him to have to be an 'every other weekend' parent. MIL piped in and said that he wouldn't have to if dd chose to live with him and my instant reaction was 'over my dead body'. I just couldn't bear to have her live apart from me. Even though our set up is very equal to both parents, I do feel like dd is more 'mine' than DH. My logical brain knows that this is completely unreasonable, which is perhaps why I am thinking about it so much. But it left me wondering; does anyone else feel the same when it comes to their kids? I know it is U to feel this way, my question is more about finding out if I'm the only one who does.

OP posts:

AGirlCalledBoB · 04/05/2015 08:54

I feel sort of the same, my oh would never accept being a every other weekend parent, and I love him more for it. He is not a disney dad with his kid eow, he is heavily hands on.

My oh would want our son 50% of not more of the time and would fight his hardest to make that happen, I know that it is fair but I am just a little saddened by the thought I would be away from ds. I don't know how we would co-parent, we are both very hands on and adore our son.

Luckily as far as my oh and I are concerned we have no plans to split up

LindyHemming · 04/05/2015 08:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SomewhereIBelong · 04/05/2015 08:57

we always joke that whoever leaves takes the kids with them....

it is only a joke...

WeirdCatLady · 04/05/2015 09:00

I can relate to what you say OP, my DH is a brilliant father and I think we would end up somehow still living together if we broke up as neither of us could bear to apart from DD.

Andrewofgg · 04/05/2015 09:00

Somewhere When my DS was small and we had his friends round we used to tell parents that they had to take as many as they brought but they could take their pick. Somehow we always got left with the same one

inmyheadimthequeen · 04/05/2015 09:00

ha ha us too Somewhere - we always say, 'I'll have the house and you can have the kids'. It's a joke, obv folks....

ChocolateBiscuitCake · 04/05/2015 09:01

I think this very issue is why lots of couples stay together "because of the kids".

Personally, I find it rather appalling to have every other weekend free!

Charlotte3333 · 04/05/2015 09:02

No, I don't think you are the only one. I have two boys and I've had to work very hard not to let those controlling feelings of "he's mine" become suffocating to their relationships with the rest of the family. Because really, they're not just mine; it really does take a village to raise a child.

DS1 is 9 and his Dad and I broke up when he was 5 months old. His Dad moved back in with his parents and it was never a question that DS would remain with me, with his Dad as involved or uninvolved as he wished to be. His Dad and I get on incredibly well and DS1 is a happy, secure, confident child I think in part due to the fact that his Dad and I put aside our issues and focussed on raising him well. I struggled to let DS1's Dad have a say in everything, and struggled to let him go, to let him love his Dad. But I learned to suck it up and be happy and grateful that he has a bond with his Dad and that we're able to raise him together even though we're apart. Now he's 9, his Dad comes here for Christmas Day with his DP and her DS, his Dad's parents come for regular visits, there's a definite sense that he's 'ours' not mine.

I'd only consider DS1 living with his Dad when he was older, though. At 9 he's never mentioned it, but if he did I think in the interests of doing what's best for him, we'd have to let him go and hope that his Dad would include me as much as I have done him.

StoryOfMyLife · 04/05/2015 09:03

I've thought about this. Husband and I do the care 50/50, he works evenings and weekends and I work 4 days.

I suppose I always thought if marriages break up the children would go to the mother but I suspect that's prejudice from growing up when mothers didn't work often. My husband would want the children or at least 50%.

The thought of not living with my children terrifies me. It makes me work much harder at my marriage if I'm honest.

Andrewofgg · 04/05/2015 09:03

Chocolate I am guessing you meant appealling

Original poster

LokiBear · 04/05/2015 09:04

In the event that we split I'd do everything to support a 50-50 arrangement too. He is a brilliant dad and she loves him so much. I've realised though that I push him out at times because of how I feel - not with any day to day stuff, but when dd has been poorly. I sit up with her all night because I couldn't bear not to. He either sits with us or goes to bed.When she had to have an x ray I stayed at the hospital when they only allowed one parent to stay, I donned the lead vest and held her hand. There wasn't even a discussion, I just did it and dh let me. They would have had to drag me out if that hospital kicking and screaming if they had tried to make me go home. DH just accepted that I wouldn't leave and made the sacrifice. I feel bad, but if it happened again tomorrow I'd do the exact same thing.

OP posts:

Mrsjayy · 04/05/2015 09:06

Did your over mydead body reaction shock you or have you always felt the main parent ?I dont think because a couple seperate that dad should become weekend dad it should whats best for the children surely i have never thought oh i gave birth to them im automatically going to have them if we split,

ChocolateBiscuitCake · 04/05/2015 09:06

Oh yes - definitely appealing!!

wecanmanagenow · 04/05/2015 09:07

I understand this totally, when I split from my ex the children stayed with me as they were very young and my ex worked shifts. Their dad sees them eowe and whatever holidays he wishes. They spend eowe in their grandmothers and any holidays in their dad's partners house. It works well for us. A 50/50 split wouldn't have worked at the start and now due to distance couldn't work.

Mrsjayy · 04/05/2015 09:10

I think how you react when your child is ill or in hospital is a normal reaction

ScorpioMermaid · 04/05/2015 09:10

somewhereibelong same here!

Yeasayer · 04/05/2015 09:11

My DH & I recently had a similar conversation & when we discussed childcare I defaulted to DH visiting us rather than DS living with DH. We both work & share the childcare fairly equally. I suppose because my job is less importantmore flexible, it would make sense that DS stays with me.

When my parents split up (I was 9) I chose to live with my Dad. I guess it's odd to assume DS would want to stay with me.

DinosaursRoar · 04/05/2015 09:13

I know a man who's on his second marriage. He apparently knew his first marriage was over a good 10 years before he walked out, but he couldn't bear the idea of not seeing his boys daily. In the end he left when they were younger teens, but while he later met his dw2 and had another dc, he did say he wasn't sure if he should have "stuck it out" for a few more years as he missed his older dcs.

Another of dh's friends marriage is currently failing. He's been trying hard to save it, suggesting marriage counselling, turning a blind eye to her affair, when DH asked him why didn't he just call it a day when they clearly make each other miserable, he said he couldn't stand the idea of not living in the same house as his dd.

Before having dcs, the idea of "staying together for the children" would seem stupid to me, now, I can easily see if I thought there was a chance is be the visiting parent, I'd stick it out until they were grown up.

GoodbyeToAllOfThat · 04/05/2015 09:14

Wow, your MIL sounds like a bit of a shit-stirrer.

fattymcfatfat · 04/05/2015 09:19

well the courts decided my DCs are more mine than their dad's he gets 10 hours a week which I can reduce to 8 if need be. or we can agree extra between ourselves. this bit ended up with us back together, but the kids are still mine as the court order would stand if we split. we have both agreed this as it saves time and money and hurt going through court again.

sandgrown · 04/05/2015 09:23

My DD's husband hardly saw his children due to work and when he was off he was too tired to do anything. DD did everything for and with them. Sadly the marriage broke down but her ex has now discovered his children and spends quite a bit of time with them. They have actually got a better relationship with him. DD finds it hard though.

OllyBJolly · 04/05/2015 09:43

I think most parents feel the same, which is why divorce is almost always so bitter and difficult. This almost primal sense that the child belongs to YOU blinds people to good sense and sharing responsibility and care.

You seem to have things worked out well - perhaps now would be a good time to have that conversation? Hopefully it would never happen, but if it did, then you could remind each other about your vow to keep it civil?

I'm not sure 50% shared care works that well unless both parents live close by, have houses that accommodate all children as a home from home, and both parents communicate well. That inevitably means that one parent has more time with the DCs than the other.

Much better to make sure the relationship works (easier said than done, I know!).

TheAnswerIsYes · 04/05/2015 09:54

I feel as you do. My child is MINE and no one is taking him away from me.He's mine, mine, mine.

noblegiraffe · 04/05/2015 10:08

The third day after my DS was born, we were still in hospital as I'd had an EMCS. They discovered he had a serious infection and suddenly nurses swooped in, rushed him out in his little cot for a lumbar puncture and chest x rays. He was gone for 2 hours and in that time I went mad, pacing the corridor, rocking back and forth, I'd have bashed my head against the wall if I thought it would help. He's definitely mine in a very animalistic sense.

Breadrocks · 04/05/2015 11:19

My dh is a fantastic dad, and if we split he would absolutely want 50/50 custody as a minimum. In theory I agree this is fair and right. In practice however, there is no way I could let my children not be in my care the majority of the time.

It's totally unreasonable, but I grew them with my body, I birthed them, and as a sahm I've done the lions share of their care since day one. They are mine, and until they are independent adults I feel a completely overwhelming instinct to protect and care for them.

Perhaps my dh feels the same. He certainly loves them more than anything in the world, but I can't speak to the strength of his feelings, only my own, and I feel very strongly that they are best placed with me.

Luckily we're not about to split anytime soon, but agree with pp that it makes me work v hard at my marriage because I never want to be faced with that situation.

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