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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if anyone else feels this was about their children..

179 replies

LokiBear · 04/05/2015 08:44

I have one dd aged 3. My DH is a very hands on parent. We co - parent 50-50. Neither of us will make a decision without the other parent agreeing and we each have the power of veto. In terms of day to day care, we both work therefore we share everything, although I would say I probably do 60% compared to dh 40%. Anyway, to my question: some friends of ours have recently split and are involved in negotiations as to whom the children with live with. We were discussing how sad it was and dh said that it would kill him to have to be an 'every other weekend' parent. MIL piped in and said that he wouldn't have to if dd chose to live with him and my instant reaction was 'over my dead body'. I just couldn't bear to have her live apart from me. Even though our set up is very equal to both parents, I do feel like dd is more 'mine' than DH. My logical brain knows that this is completely unreasonable, which is perhaps why I am thinking about it so much. But it left me wondering; does anyone else feel the same when it comes to their kids? I know it is U to feel this way, my question is more about finding out if I'm the only one who does.

OP posts:
bobajob · 04/05/2015 20:48

We have always been 50-50 from the start, and are 50-50 on childcare now (though I do more of the admin stuff - arranging parties/haircuts/new shoes). I think if we split we'd aim for co-parenting and something near a 50-50, though I do feel children should have a "main" home (and obviously that should be with me Blush).

Sallystyle · 04/05/2015 20:49

Mine used to go to their dad's every weekend. People often couldn't understand why I allowed every weekend access but with his work schedule mid week didn't work although he did have them mid week when he could and I could never have let him see them only once a fortnight. However, if I did want the odd weekend with them or we had something special on he was always happy to give up one if his days, so it worked out well. He also took them on a few holidays a year.

I never felt they were 'mine' or that I should have them more than him. I did have them more but I was a SAHM and he had to work so it made more sense.

Levismum · 04/05/2015 20:55

I never felt my dc were more mine or Exdp. He was lazy about them though...

When we parted, I presumed custody would be 50/50. It wasn't. Exdp has chosen not to be involved in his children's lifes.

His loss.Sad

TinklyLittleLaugh · 04/05/2015 20:58

I dunno, I was a SAHM for all my four. To be perfectly honest , I think I could live quite happily with seeing them a couple of times a week and being a Disney Mum; I've done more than my share of the drudgery and I'm very confident about our bond. (Only one of mine is primary age though; the rest are annoying teenagers or older).

Coyoacan · 04/05/2015 21:04

Haven't read the entire thread but you sound like lovely parents and your dd is lucky to have you.

As for their being ours, I understand the sentiment but as they grow older it is quite nice and healthy to have time away from them. I didn't have to share my dd too much but would send her overseas to her grandparents for six weeks at a time. The first time I moped around but the second time I made sure I enjoyed myself and recharged my batteries for when she came home.

My MIL tried to stop her near-adult dd from leaving home and making her own life and I swore I would never be like that.

MummyLuce · 04/05/2015 21:05

Yep. Our kids are definitely more "mine"...our set up I guess reflects this:I decide what they eat, what they wear, I play with them lots more and decide what activities they do, whilst DH helps me with the children when he can. He's a great dad, but I'm certainly the lead parent, and we are all happier that way! If he tried to get too involved I'd probably get very irritated!

MrsKoala · 04/05/2015 21:07

I am the main parent for the DC as dh spends a lot of time away. The DC are very young so are very attached to me. They adore their dad but he just couldn't ever look after them. I would stay with dh thru utter misery just to not have them away from me even every other weekend, let alone any kind of equal split. Dh wouldn't be able to have them for a whole weekend anyway, he would never cope.

OrlandoWoolf · 04/05/2015 21:08

I decide what they eat, what they wear, I play with them lots more and decide what activities they do

Do you let him decide things or do you make all the decisions and he just keeps out because he knows you want your own way?

MummyLuce · 04/05/2015 21:17

Hmm. Good question...he works 15 hour days during the week (and is on the Blackberry a lot at the weekend) and I'm a SAHM so I guess I'm just a lot more connected with what they like, what they are used to, what sort of mood they are in, what will happen if you do xyz etc.

MrsKoala · 04/05/2015 21:18

I also do all the DC food, clothes shopping/dressing and attend all activities with them. It's got nothing to do with me wanting my own way, just my dh couldn't do any of those things even if he wanted to. It's fine by us both.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 04/05/2015 21:27

I'm not much of an admirer of 50:50 but that's only because the examples of it I have seen have been horrendous and more about the parents wants rather than the childs needs. (I'm sure some good set ups of this type must exist.

I guess I'm also a bit biased because most of the situations I come across with break ups are where one parent has significant issues that are not conducive to safe or healthy parenting and that's the reason for the break up.

Personally I feel quite strongly about maintaining the status quo and that A break up should disrupt the kids as little as possible and that's what happened with all my children they all remained living with the parent that took most responsibility for them and visited the parent that took least,it just so happened to be me that they lived with.

Could quite equally have been dad if he had taken any steps during the relationship to do his bit. And if he had then I would have been the NRP I wouldn't have enjoyed it but it would have been the right thing to do for them.

OrlandoWoolf · 04/05/2015 21:32

50 / 50 does not have to be exactly 50/50

We share school runs and pick ups during week, ex has DS one night during school week, 2 pick ups and one night at weekend or 2 - we share the weekend each and are very flexible.

Both involved. Good communication. DS gets to spend time with both parents, has 2 bases and we are all involved with school.

I know children who do exactly 50 /50 and they seem to live out of a suitcase.

GooodMythicalMorning · 04/05/2015 21:42

They are definitely more mine. Dh loves them but not in the same way as I do. Sounds harsh but I know its true.

DarkHeart · 04/05/2015 23:06

My ex and I co-parent although it's more 70/30 than 50/50 as he works much longer hours than me. My ds is now 13 and we have had this arrangement since he was 6 but despite the fact my ex is a fantastic father I still feel like he is MINE ?? and my ex often pulls me up for saying "my son" ????. I miss him terribly when we are apart but I do know that having a brilliant relationship with his dad is very important and has made him feel very secure so I am thankful for that

ClashCityRocker · 04/05/2015 23:24

I think the thing to bear in mind is what's best for the child.

50/50 contact can be quite unsettling for a child, constantly going back and forward. My brother had this arrangement with his eldest for a while, and it really took its toll on Dn. They now have a much more informal arrangement - it's not about where she 'sleeps' - in fact, she probably spends the weekend there every other weekend and much more frequently in the holidays, but they'll do stuff together during the week and she'll go back to her mums afterwards. Dn is much happier with it this way and that's the main thing.

grannytomine · 05/05/2015 00:37

I have four children, I have never felt they are mine solely. I never felt I was my mothers I was very close to her but also to my dad and granny. It seems weird to me that children are seen as a possession.

grannytomine · 05/05/2015 00:41

To people who say their DH couldn't cope, what would happen if you died? Just a thought, I would have hated it if I felt my children couldn't have carried on and had a good life without me, their dad might have done things a bit differently but he was still their father.

whiteiris · 05/05/2015 00:59

I feel they are more mine. They have different dads but I was the one who initiated having them in both situations. Also they grew in my body and nursed from my body. Current dp agrees I think as before we got together be made a comment that "children belong with their mother". I have always felt more connected to my mother even though by her own admission she struggled to be a good one.

jazzsyncopation · 05/05/2015 01:06

it's very refreshing to read these honest and genuine posts...best wishes to all of youse
incidentally : any opinions on sibling/mother-in-laws 'taking over' kids?

GatoradeMeBitch · 05/05/2015 01:32

I do have high-earning female friends whose DHs stay at home with the kids, who are horrified that they might not automatically be resident parent in a split

They would be. The courts usually (or used to) find in favour of consistency, so whoever was the primary carer would continue in that role for the child's benefit. Two of my brothers have taken the main carer role. But it does seem to be changing now to a 50/50 split, so SAHD's would be equally vulnerable in that case I suppose.

nooka · 05/05/2015 01:37

When dh and I split we had a 50:50 arrangement. We've pretty much always co-parented, I did quite short maternity leaves, and dh worked part time for a while (and then was a SAHD later on). It meant we both had to have space for them, and the mid-week swop did involve a suitcase, but as we lived no more than 5 mins apart it wasn't a big deal to drop forgotten things off.

We both missed them like crazy when it wasn't our turn, but could flex work hours to be around more, and do adult stuff on our days off too.

It was quite restrictive though, and when dh started to talk about emigrating (are trying to sustain a 50:50 split across two continents) I decided I really couldn't cope with that. So we emigrated together Grin

MrsKoala · 05/05/2015 08:55

Granny if I was to die the children would live with my mum probably or dh would get a live in nanny and a housekeeper. When I was in hospital for 6 wks recently my mum stayed 4-5 days a week and left meals and clothes for the days she wasn't there. My dh has never and could never do anything like that.

attheendoftheday · 05/05/2015 08:58

It would destroy me to be away from my dds regularly, but i imagine dp feels exactly the same. I know I wouldn't leave our relationship unless dp somehow became actually abusive, otherwise I would stay and work at it, because I would miss the dds too much.

OrlandoWoolf · 05/05/2015 10:12

I think the children would probably prefer to have parents who were happy rather than trapped in a relationship because they would miss their kids too much.

But many people (and I suspect most of them are women) stay in relationships because they would miss the kids.

My parents kicked me off to boarding school age 11. My Dad went to boarding school at 7 FFS. I rarely saw my parents during term time.

Writerwannabe83 · 05/05/2015 10:43

I absolutely feel that DS (13 months) is mine. I know DH is his dad but as far as I'm concerned nobody knows or loves DS like I do and therefore I know best. I can admittedly be a bit bossy with DH sometimes when it comes to what he should and shouldn't be doing with DS but I can't stop myself. I have such a strong urge to keep DS safe and protected that I have to have some form of control.

I cannot bear to be away from DS, I actually hate it and I miss him so much, and so I just don't see how DH can feel the same way for DS as I do as he quite happily goes on trips away for weekends and sometimes he goes away for a whole week whereas I just physically couldn't do it.

I really do believe that there is nothing like a mother's love for her child. I don't see how DH can love DS in the same way I do.

My FIL was talking to me about a parents love and he was talking about when DH was born and he said, "I knew he was my child and my son but he was always (MIL's name) baby and always will be."

When DS is upset, tired or just wants a cuddle it's me he comes to.

I definitely feel like DS is more mine than he is DH's.

You aren't alone OP!!!!!