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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if anyone else feels this was about their children..

179 replies

LokiBear · 04/05/2015 08:44

I have one dd aged 3. My DH is a very hands on parent. We co - parent 50-50. Neither of us will make a decision without the other parent agreeing and we each have the power of veto. In terms of day to day care, we both work therefore we share everything, although I would say I probably do 60% compared to dh 40%. Anyway, to my question: some friends of ours have recently split and are involved in negotiations as to whom the children with live with. We were discussing how sad it was and dh said that it would kill him to have to be an 'every other weekend' parent. MIL piped in and said that he wouldn't have to if dd chose to live with him and my instant reaction was 'over my dead body'. I just couldn't bear to have her live apart from me. Even though our set up is very equal to both parents, I do feel like dd is more 'mine' than DH. My logical brain knows that this is completely unreasonable, which is perhaps why I am thinking about it so much. But it left me wondering; does anyone else feel the same when it comes to their kids? I know it is U to feel this way, my question is more about finding out if I'm the only one who does.

OP posts:

Mehitabel6 · 08/05/2015 22:33

I really don't think that being the one to carry them gives a different type of love. I'm sure those with adopted children feel exactly the same.
I can't express my love for my DCs, it so deep, but I can't see how it is any different from DH.

Mehitabel6 · 08/05/2015 22:34

DH and I would both sacrifice ourselves without a moment's hesitation.

theworriedfather · 09/05/2015 00:03

I have to question how any woman can claim to know how their DH experiences love for their child?

I can't say that I know what it feels like to be a mother, but surely the reverse is true?

It seems to me that the main reason people think their bond is stronger is because they've felt it deeply, whilst having no empathy for the other parent's experience. I'm asking if this lack of empathy is something that the natural result of never being able to truly know how another thinks/feels?

Another interesting side topic is, does the gender of the child matter? I remember how I was a mummy's boy when I was very young and (as my father worked long antisocial hours, and was the disciplinarian) I was closer to her. But as I got older I began to look at her and my dad with the feeling of "I'm not going to be like her when I grow up, but I am going to be like him". Nowadays I am closer to my father because no relate to him as a man, whereas my mother just doesn't understand the male experience. Do you see what I mean?

I suspect that one day my daughter will begin to feel like this. Maybe when she hits puberty and she starts to notice the changes.

In some cultures, male children are sent to live with exclusively male relatives when they hit puberty so that they are amongst men and influenced by men as they come of age. I can see the merit in it, but can't imagine many mothers with sole custody giving up their boys or sole custody fathers giving up their girls. But maybe it would ve a good way of achieving 50/50? With one parents until 12, and the another until 18?

I'm not being serious to be honest, but do find other cultures approaches interesting.

nooka · 09/05/2015 02:49

I had a friend that did that when she broke up with her husband. Their daughter lived with her and their son with him. Having two children that are very close it seemed to me quite a cruel approach, but they had an amicable relationship after their divorce and saw each other fairly frequently.

I felt closer to my father as a teenager and adult as I felt he understood me better. I'm very close to my daughter now, but understand my son better becasue in many ways we are very alike. I don't think that gender defines us.

Mehitabel6 · 09/05/2015 07:30

I wonder if it is an insecurity thing as in 'I love DC' more or 'DC loves me more'. It isn't something that I think about except when I read MN and it is brought to my attention.
I should think it rather tiresome if my mother were spouting she loved me deeper than my father because carried me for 9 months- how could she possibly know?
Anyone can give birth and it takes a lot more to be a mother. An adoptive mother can feel that same deep love and connection- they don't have to have physically given birth to have it.

OhMittens · 09/05/2015 07:43

I don't feel like that OP. My DH is very hands on with our children. If we split, I would be happy for them to go to his for 50% of the week. It would feel odder to me that DH only had them every fortnight or whatever than half the time. I wouldn't "miss" them in the same way as if they were at Grandma's house, or on a school trip. DH and I as so intermingled with our parenting I don't feel they are "mine".

OhMittens · 09/05/2015 07:44

(well, they are "mine" of course, I mean I don't feel I have priority over DH or "over my dead body" type feeling - but only when it comes to DH, nobody else, IYSWIM).

OhMittens · 09/05/2015 07:48

CountryMummy1 "Whilst I don't doubt that he loves them as much as I do, I don't think the animalistic love and protection thing is quite the same." See in my case my DH does have that animalistic love and protection thing. We both deeply love the children but if anything I am more relaxed about (carefully managed) risk-taking for example whereas DH is more jumpy about stairs, swimming pools, climbing trees etcetc. I'm a bit more "they can do it, give them a chance to have a go"....

propelusagain · 09/05/2015 08:02

Thoughts like that never cross my mind. OH and I have a slightly unusual relationship- one of the overriding aspects to our partnership is to provide a stable home for our children. We would move heaven and earth in order to maintain our relationship to make that happen.

howoapproachthis · 09/05/2015 08:50

where do you get these amazing dads?! ive split with my dds dad. i had to push for every bit of contact he gets. he is going away for a weeks 'break' soon. without dd. oh how nice it would be to have even a few days break - a week would be too long without dd! i would love for him to take a bit more effing responsibility, im worn down to the ground. dd is most definitely mine mine mine :)

grannytomine · 09/05/2015 09:04

howoapproachthis maybe he has got the message that she is yours yours yours and knows his place.

mummytime · 09/05/2015 09:19

I haven't read all the thread but...

Some friends of mine have split and actually do 50-50, it seems to work okay for them.

In some other friends relationship - if one of their children has to go to the Hospital, then Dad takes them, as he finds it less traumatic than the Mum. In difficult situations DH has taken over from me as he is less emotional - and if he gets really upset it also shows its really bad.

howoapproachthis · 09/05/2015 12:08

oh believe me he has has plenty of opportunities to muck in with things. even when i was pregnant he wasn't interested.

Original poster

LokiBear · 09/05/2015 12:36

I'm really glad I asked the question. All comments on here have really made me stop and think. Whilst there are some comments that I don't agree with, it is interesting to hear other people's view points. On a personal note, it has made me a little more aware of the balance in my household.

OP posts:

Alwayswiththechords · 09/05/2015 13:41

This is an interesting topic for me as my DH is the main carer for our DS at the moment. i work full time and he has 2 part-time jobs so he's at home during the days. If we were to break up now I would aim for 50-50 arrangement or if that's not possible then I would like to have the children with me most of the time. I would just feel like a bad mother maybe a bit ashamed as well. My feelings are completely illogical as my DH is the main carer at the moment but I can't help it. It's not that I think DS is more mine, I guess it's more what I feel is my role as a mother.

I was surprised when I asked my DH his opinion, I assumed he'd like 50-50 as well, but he said it would depend on what our individual situations were after the break-up and the parent who would be more able to provide a stable and secure environment for DS should be the residentail parent and the other one NRP. Maybe he doesn't feel as emotional about the issue?

nooka · 09/05/2015 17:02

He might just feel less anxious about it because he is in the 'stronger' position. When dh and I separated we did so on the basis of a 50:50 split, which meant that when I later asked my lawyer what childcare arrangements were likely to be agreed and they said the status quo I was very relived. dh at the time was only working part time, and if we'd not been so straight down the line I would have ended up being the NRP. It felt like a very close call, and really unfair. I'd always felt the pressure to be the main breadwinner, and to have my parenting role reduced because dh didn't enjoy his job would have felt incredibly unfair. However this is how it is for many men, so good to empathise I think.

I'm also wondering about the ages of the children on this thread. I'm sure when my children were very small I probably felt much more that they were a part of me in some ways, and that perhaps I had the greater claim having made more of an investment. Now they are older (both teens) it's a very different relationship, and claiming them as 'mine' seems a bit odd really. Plus of course it would really be their choice and not dh's or mine as to where they chose to live. In fact as ds has just turned 16 he can legally chose to live somewhere else entirely.

Georgethesecond · 10/05/2015 08:28

I think age of the child is very relevant. If you start right at the very beginning, surely any one thinks pretty strongly that the hour old baby they have just pushed out of their body is their own rather than equally someone else's?

But when they are grown adults you wouldn't feel that. So the age of the child must change it gradually, I think.

flanjabelle · 10/05/2015 08:36

I am going through this right now. Me and dds dad have split and I'm having to get my head around her being away from me. It is the only part of the split that I am truly struggling with. He has never been as involved as me, so slightly different, but it just feels so wrong To have to hand her over.

You just have to remind yourself again and again that it's not about you, it's about the child's right to a relationship with their father. I would do anything for dd, it's just something I have to do even though it really hurts.

Writerwannabe83 · 10/05/2015 09:59

A colleague of mine knows a woman who has a 5 year old DD and the woman still doesn't let her DH take their DD out for any length of time as apparently (to quote the mother) "she gets upset if she isn't with me."

From what my colleague was saying, the little girl has some severe attachment issues due to the mother's insecurity.

midlifehope · 10/05/2015 10:26

Totally agree. My Solisitors said a fucking scary thing to me though. As I work full time and dp took redundancy, he could claim he is the main carer and go for custardy.

OrlandoWoolf · 10/05/2015 10:30

A lot of people on MN would argue that the person who is the full time carer is the one who should be the RP.

Writerwannabe83 · 10/05/2015 10:44

That's a scary thought for the mothers who have to return to work because they're the higher earners whilst the dad stays at home.

OrlandoWoolf · 10/05/2015 11:10

It's been like that for Dads for ages though.

midlifehope · 10/05/2015 11:41

My dp gave up work and now indulges his many hobbies - I do night care and work a lot - do everything! Scary to think dp would be seen as the carer though

grannytomine · 10/05/2015 12:07

Georgethesecond, no I never felt they were all mine, not for a second. They were always ours, I can't even imagine having a baby with a man I love and then feeling the baby was mine not ours. I loved being pregnant and having babies and I always felt it was lucky that I was the one who could do that but never felt it made me more important in some way.

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