To ask if anyone else feels this was about their children..

[LokiBear]

I have one dd aged 3. My DH is a very hands on parent. We co - parent 50-50. Neither of us will make a decision without the other parent agreeing and we each have the power of veto. In terms of day to day care, we both work therefore we share everything, although I would say I probably do 60% compared to dh 40%. Anyway, to my question: some friends of ours have recently split and are involved in negotiations as to whom the children with live with. We were discussing how sad it was and dh said that it would kill him to have to be an 'every other weekend' parent. MIL piped in and said that he wouldn't have to if dd chose to live with him and my instant reaction was 'over my dead body'. I just couldn't bear to have her live apart from me. Even though our set up is very equal to both parents, I do feel like dd is more 'mine' than DH. My logical brain knows that this is completely unreasonable, which is perhaps why I am thinking about it so much. But it left me wondering; does anyone else feel the same when it comes to their kids? I know it is U to feel this way, my question is more about finding out if I'm the only one who does.

[LokiBear]

Just to reiterate: I started this thread by acknowledging that these feelings were completely irrational and unreasonable. I just wondered if anyone else felt similar and also if it is a chemical or hormonal thing. The same type of 'thing' that means I wake up the moment dd stirs at night or the 'thing' that means I know whether the stir is because she is ill or if she's dreaming. I have an intuition with my dd that I never realised was possible. I just wondered if my inability to be away from her was part of that. I totally accept that dh feels the same.

[Weathergames]

I think it's maternal instinct - which I do not believe there is a biological male version of.

[Yarp]

But not all women have a maternal instinct - difficult birth, anxiety, lack of experience, PND, all get in the way.


For some, the 'instinct' grows as they get to know their child

I would say that my DH had more of a maternal instinct than I did in the early months!

[Radiatorvalves]

My boys (8&10) would hate it if we split, but would want to spend equal time with us. I have spent more time with them (work ft, but usually come home in the evenings, whereas DH works away). Not sure how it would work in practice.

I honestly don't think they are more mine. They are ours.

My DB split with his W a couple of years ago. They are roughly 50/50, but I think he is a better parent. That's a long story....

[Writerwannabe83]

With 50/50 though, isn't it hard for the children being passed between two houses constantly? Surely it's better for then to have a home they know is theirs and one they can feel they belong to?

I can't imagine a child not having a set 'base' - surely having a constant
home is vital for their stability?

[Christophewouldgetit]

OP - it wasn't about your feelings per se (although my personal experience of the 'ownership' of children stings!), it was the tone of the replies..

Just because you're female, doesn't mean the love is automatically stronger and more worthy.. I am sure there are plenty of male parents, WorriedFather for example who would disagree massively!

[dislikerofprejudice]

Perhaps women must allow that men too can be good parents and recognise that they do not 'own' their children
www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-32603514
Gay couple wins High Court battle over baby girl

[Mehitabel6]

I think they are perfectly normal feelings- I would have them. However it isn't about the parents, it is about the child and 50/50 is best.

[Mehitabel6]

I hate the my, my, my as if they are a possession and not a person. Bound to backfire as they get older, or the court recognises that the mother in that court case is toxic.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

50:50 is not always best.

In many situations it can be all about the parents wants and the child can end up with no stable base no security and no consistancy.

I have seen some real horrors of parenting made even worse by the use of 50:50.

I'm not saying it can't work but it's not always best

[OrlandoWoolf]

50 / 50 doesn't have to be exactly 50 / 50. It just gets away from the old expectation of tea once a week and every other weekend.

[Georgethesecond]

50/50 can be very hard. How many adults would like to move home every three days?

[theworriedfather]

It doesn't have to be every three days. It could be once a fortnight or something like that.

My daughter has her own room in my house even though she only gets to sleep in it two nights a month :(. She has possessions here that are duplicates of things she has in her mother's house. She brings her clothes with her, but has a wardrobe anyway and a few items that are kept here for no particular reason. I don't live far from her month and she could attend the same school and hang out with the same friends, etc.

I don't see how swapping house once a fortnight (when you don't actually have to move any items) would be a problem or threaten her stability.

There again seems to be the assumption that one parent can provide a better and more secure permanent home than the other. And let me guess, that'd be the home of the parent who also things they have the stronger attachment to their child?

[theworriedfather]

^ far from her MOTHER that should say. Typing on phone.

[VexiLexi303]

Oh Loki, I'm sure a lot of others had felt the same! I know I have! We as mother carry and nurture these precious little beings inside of us and it creates such a special bond that realm is unlike any other, after all they're the only ones that know what our heart beat sounds like from the inside! Then they're out in the world and I suppose some of us can't help but think "This amazing little creature is mine. I gave birth to them." But then we forget that we didn't make them on our own. Our society in many cases has pointed as females as the 'natural'/main care giver, a woman in my psychology degree full believed that this was the way of life. She pointed it that in court cases where children were concerned they almost never separated the child from the mother unless risk was involved.

After I had my DS I admit I was a mama bear (still am sometimes ) but I had to cool it down and realise that my DS has other relatives and really isn't just mine, advice and support from mumsnet really helped me with this!

Although as harmless as that comment may have been from MIL it would have had my back raised to be honest, what is the point in even saying such a thing? To either parent because a situation like separation is going to cause heart ache no matter who a child goes to

[nooka]

Writer when my children lived 50:50 with me and dh they had two homes, both of which were theirs and both they belonged to. They had favourite toys, clothes etc at both houses, and only really carried essentials between them. It might have been much more tricky (and expensive!) when they hit their teens but as primary school children it worked fairly well.

They don't remember it as being particularly traumatic (unlike the year or arguments before :() and school complimented us on a good transition.

[Mehitabel6]

There is no problem with 50:50 if both parents are committed to it and both parents put the child before themselves. The best solution for the child.

[FatherBiggley]

Yep. I grew him in my body. We're 50/50 too but he's a part of me.

[Writerwannabe83]

That's it Father

I know that it took both me and DH to initially create him but it was my body that nourished DS to keep him alive in the womb, it was me that felt him wriggling around in my body and then it was my body that kept him alive after he was born.

In not saying this to 'big up' the female species or anything like that and I'm not generalising as I know a lot of women won't agree with me but it's just how I feel.

I know DS is half my DH's and I know my DH loves him, but I just don't see how he can have that innate, animalistic, bond, connection and love for him that I do.

[Mehitabel6]

And that is the problem- all about me and not the child- who has the equal love for both parents- or can choose. Plenty of children have problems with the mother- particularly if she is possessive and can't empathise with how others feel.

[Xmasbaby11]

I do feel my dd are mine. It's not rational but there you go. Before I had dc I thought I'd be happy with 50% split, , but now I feel differently.

Dh and I are happy so hopefully it will never be an issue!

[grannytomine]

Oh Loki, I'm sure a lot of others had felt the same! I know I have! We as mother carry and nurture these precious little beings inside of us and it creates such a special bond that realm is unlike any other, after all they're the only ones that know what our heart beat sounds like from the inside! Then they're out in the world and I suppose some of us can't help but think "This amazing little creature is mine. I gave birth to them."

This nearly made me vomit.

[Writerwannabe83]

mehirabel6 - I'm not sure if your comment was aimed at me but I wasn't talking about how a child feels about it's parents. I know a child will (hopefully) love both parents equally, just like I love mine equally. I don't feel like I have a strong sense of superior love towards my mom just because she gave birth to me and I know my DS won't feel like that towards me either.

All I was saying was that from my angle, as his mother, I feel like I have a deeper sense of love and connection to our DS than my DH does.

This thread isn't about how children should feel towards their parents, or how we think they should feel, it's about how mothers feel towards their children which is what I was talking about.

As DS grows up he will no doubt think that his dad is brilliant whilst I'm the parent whose always nagging at him to clean his bedroom, but I think that I will still always feel a different type of love for DS than DH does solely because it was my body that kept him alive for 15 months.

[Ragwort]

No, I don't think that at all - my DH is a far, far better parent than me, even if I am 'around' for my DS more than he is. DS is a teenager now but I have always felt this way, yes, I could breast feed but DH was just so much more 'enthusiastic' as a parent than I was (he wanted a child far more than I did). If we did split I know that it would be much better for my DS to be with his dad than me - and I am not being a martyr about it, it's just the truth. I struggle to be a 'good' parent.

[CountryMummy1]

This has really made me think. I have always felt that the children are mine more than DH which I know is unreasonable but I suppose in our situation it is compounded by me being a SAHM and DH working long hours. Also I know that I would sacrifice myself without a moment's hesitation for both of my children, I just get the feeling that there would be a moments hesitation from DH. Whilst I don't doubt that he loves them as much as I do, I don't think the animalistic love and protection thing is quite the same.