To ask if anyone else feels this was about their children..

[LokiBear]

I have one dd aged 3. My DH is a very hands on parent. We co - parent 50-50. Neither of us will make a decision without the other parent agreeing and we each have the power of veto. In terms of day to day care, we both work therefore we share everything, although I would say I probably do 60% compared to dh 40%. Anyway, to my question: some friends of ours have recently split and are involved in negotiations as to whom the children with live with. We were discussing how sad it was and dh said that it would kill him to have to be an 'every other weekend' parent. MIL piped in and said that he wouldn't have to if dd chose to live with him and my instant reaction was 'over my dead body'. I just couldn't bear to have her live apart from me. Even though our set up is very equal to both parents, I do feel like dd is more 'mine' than DH. My logical brain knows that this is completely unreasonable, which is perhaps why I am thinking about it so much. But it left me wondering; does anyone else feel the same when it comes to their kids? I know it is U to feel this way, my question is more about finding out if I'm the only one who does.

My ex and I both very much wanted to be the main parent when we split, bit we managed to work things out so that it was fair. Our children were young when we split and I was pretty much a SAHM, so I didn't mind the dc staying with him every Saturday night as I'd been at home with them all week. As they got older, started school and their own activities took up their time, we had to adapt and compromise. It meant regularly reviewing the arrangements, being flexible, and often doing things together, like Christmas, birthday celebrations and even going on holidays.

Our dc are teenagers now, and it has worked out fine for all of us. It just means both of us putting the children's wants and needs ahead of our own, but parents are supposed to do that anyway.

No, I dont, even though I am the main carer by far. DH loves them just as much as I do, neither of us owns them. We'd do whatever was best for them in the event of a split (never going to happen anyway). Most responses here seeem to be about what is best for the mother rather than the children.

Yes my reaction would be the same. I would not want my DC's to not live with me. However I know I would have to take DC's feelings into account.

With DS1 I was on the verge of leaving DH and the one thing that kept me from not going was knowing that if DS was given the choice (he was 13) was that he would probably want to stay with his Dad which I couldn't allow (EA and mentally unstable).

DS2 is 9 and is so much a Daddys boy that I think if you asked him right now he would choose to live with his Dad who is very hands on. I know though we could have a 50/50 and DS would be well cared for and safe even if I didnt like being away from him

I disagree madreloco. I think most people are saying that they feel the same as I do but wouldn't enforce it in reality.

For a long time I saw my younger two as mainly xh2's (long story). When we split, they stayed with me because he didn't have his own place. I feel they are more equally mine now. But xh is a very devoted parent, and for months after we split he would call in every day after work or the kids would phone him. That worked for them, because they knew they could have contact with their dad any time they wanted. Now he's got a flat up the road and they stay with him Friday to Sunday (because of his work shifts, he can't do weekdays). Holidays we split as much as possible. And for special occasions, we'll sort them out between us, and together if need be.

Of course it helps that me and xh have stayed friends. In fact last night, he gave us a lift down to dd1's house (he was nicking dd1's partner for a football evening) and then gave us a lift home again afterwards. He's having them after school this week because of my work shifts. I think that even after a split, you can get as close to co-parenting as possible and even put aside the usual crap. I know this depends on how amicably you split, but it can be done.

But they do enforce it in reality. Very very few people have an actual even split, instead Dad gets one night a fortnight or whatever. Women insist on it, the courts follow that formula too.

You are right, the courts system is very much set up that way. However, many of the posters here are talking about hypothetical situations and those that aren't have negotiated being a split family in a way that I think is very admirable. I'm glad to know I'm not alone in feeling the way I do. I also think that by being aware of my feelings and accepting that they are U, I might be able to avoid that trap should dh and I ever split.

I do think it's a bit of a head/heart thing. The heart says 'these kids are MINE! I grew them, I gave birth to them, I fed them and they are mine'. The head says 'he loves them also, and they love him'. So it's entirely natural to want to keep your children close to you at all times, but the head should acknowledge this and then make decisions based on what the kids' hearts want. Which is generally both parents. Even if not together.

So no, I don't think any parent is unreasonable feeling that way (male or female parent actually) but a good parent recognises it as perhaps unreasonable behaviour. Unless there are good reasons for the children not to be with the other parent.

YANBU

It's the main reason I will probably never LTB. He is, for all his faults, an excellent father and adores DS. He couldn't bear to be away from him and I couldn't do it to either of them. But over my dead body would my son not live with me. So, I think we are stuck with each other.

I understand how you feel, OP. I think I feel the same. It is utterly unreasonable, of course, and I hope that I wouldn't ever seek to deny DH fair contact with dd in the event of a split. I just can't imagine having to be apart from her.

Ultimately, I recognise that dd is neither mine nor his. She is her own person, and she has a right to an equal relationship with both of us. Our job is to facilitate that, whether we are together or not.

As someone else suggested, let this be a good motivation for working doubly hard at your marriage!

DH and I discussed this before having children, I'm well aware that a discussion when things are going great will not feel the same as actually sorting things out if the relationship broke down. We have agreed as close to 50/50 as our jobs at the time will allow. Things are run 50/50 now so we imagine that would suit our children best as be as close to normal as we could do for them.

I know of two men who's wives left and took the children in the last year. One whinges constantly but won't even get a fucking solicitor, the other drives cross country to keep involved and be a Dad every minute time and money allows. I blame men like the Dad who can't be arsed for the shit time men like the great Dad have when relationships break down.

I can only speak for my husband, but I think he'd feel just as strongly as me about being apart from our children. I know if I tried to cut him out that he would spend all his time and money going for equal custody. I love him for it, now I think about it. But I'd feel the same too so I don't think you're alone in how you feel, I just don't think it's limited to just Mothers.

As far as nature goes, children are a little more connected to their mothers, we grow them for nine months and feel them kicking and wriggling around, give birth, and breastfeed them. And according to a news article I read last year, we have cells from each pregnancy floating around inside our bodies for ever!

But then of course the rest is nurture. I would say I'm closest to my DSF and I have no biological connection to him at all!

As a mum, I can appreciate this feeling. However I work in the family courts and heard a judge say recently, to a very unreasonable woman, that the bias towards mothers is not recognised in law and will not influence his decision.

Yep, mine in my head. I do most of everything and a full time job, he can have every other weekend if we broke up.

I assume, those of you who have a DP who does an equal share of paid work, housework, childcare etc, believe in equality...

Can you see where I'm going with this?

I haven't read the whole thread but I feel the same way as you - that they are more "mine" than his. We have boys though and I wonder whether they will feel more "his" as they get older?

I assume, those of you who have a DP who does an equal share of paid work, housework, childcare etc, believe in equality...

I don't see why you'd need to assume. Most answers on here seem to indicate that even though some parents feel a primal urge to have their children live with them full time that they accept the rights of the child and the other parent.

As I said in my earlier post, DH and I have agreed 50/50 in line with our current parenting, should the worst happen I plan to stick to it, doesn't mean I won't feel emotions relating to being separated from my children that go against what we've agreed, also doesn't mean I'd act upon them.

I honestly can't see where you're going with it, as it seems glib given the majority of responses.

I feel the same way. I also have the final say over everything to do with the DC, although I will consult DH for his advice if necessary. I feel very, very strongly about this, which is why I personally, find "everything should be equal" a little bit scary.

Why do you find it scary, Lynette? If you don't mind my asking.

It's our current set up so obviously I personally see a lot of positives in 50/50 parenting. I'd be interested to hear of any negatives.

I said assume, Bair, because maybe some women still believe that childcare and housework are more women's responsibility, but there is a 50/50 split within the family for different reasons, eg disability.
But if people think sexual equality means men are equally responsible for night feeds, nappy changes, childcare and housework, then surely they also have equal rights to access after a split, and might equally feel that primal urge to live with their kids full time.
Wasn't criticising you, but I do have high-earning female friends whose DHs stay at home with the kids, who are horrified that they might not automatically be resident parent in a split.

How do you think your DH feels when he is made to feel like "the less important parent" ?

A child is ill. Only one parent can stay. If it's always one parent (even though the other one wants to), that's got to be hard for the other one.

Sometimes you have to accept that the other parent is important and they might want to be the one who does the caring at times when only one can do it.

I feel the same way, but that's because I looked after her 95% for the 1st year of her life, and I probably do 80% now.

I asked my DH that question Orlando and he said that he finds it hard but never says anything because he 'gets it' and wants to support me. I'm very lucky.

When my exH left he initially suggested a 50/50 arrangement, but I instantly felt that was completely wrong. I was a SAHM for 10 years, had started working in a term time job, all to be there for my DSs, especially DS2 who has SN. I have always been the main carer and often the only one to attend hospital appointments, dentist, doctors, parents' evenings, statement reviews, etc etc.

But, exH was a very hands on father when he was home. Did his fair share of nappies, night waking, bath times and bed time reading, playing board games etc, etc.

One of his (midlife crisis) reasons for leaving, as well as his affair, was that life as my husband and a father was boring, full of routine and responsibilities, however. He dropped his request to have 50/50 care as soon as I objected and is very happy with his EOWs. It gives him the opportunity to be a good father for a few days and still have a life as part of a childless couple for the majority of the time, with weekend breaks, entertaining and socialising and plenty of holidays.

He pays me the minimum CSA formula, which I can live on and keep my term time job. I have a sneaking suspicion that his request for 50/50 was more to look caring to his OW and to avoid having to pay maintenance. She left her husband a few months before he left me and has this arrangement for her DS.

In retrospect, some of my feelings of wanting to have the boys live with me were selfish. My exH had left and taken my old life away. I couldn't bear the thought of his taking the boys away as well. It has worked out, though.

50/50 is often stated as being best for the children, but I'm not sure it is. Weekly disruption, living out of a suitcase with nowhere to call home. Having to be super organised with school work, games kits, cooking ingredients, scout uniforms, swimming kits, or having to have two of everything. 50/50 seems to be more a case of what's fair for the parents, not what's best for the children.

Then you get to when the DC become teenagers who can choose who they live with and often seem to choose the parent who has more materially or is less strict. Teenagers can be mercenary buggers.

My DD far prefers her Daddy to me so i would have to seriously consider my position if i we were ever to split. Please God it never happens.