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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if anyone else feels this was about their children..

179 replies

LokiBear · 04/05/2015 08:44

I have one dd aged 3. My DH is a very hands on parent. We co - parent 50-50. Neither of us will make a decision without the other parent agreeing and we each have the power of veto. In terms of day to day care, we both work therefore we share everything, although I would say I probably do 60% compared to dh 40%. Anyway, to my question: some friends of ours have recently split and are involved in negotiations as to whom the children with live with. We were discussing how sad it was and dh said that it would kill him to have to be an 'every other weekend' parent. MIL piped in and said that he wouldn't have to if dd chose to live with him and my instant reaction was 'over my dead body'. I just couldn't bear to have her live apart from me. Even though our set up is very equal to both parents, I do feel like dd is more 'mine' than DH. My logical brain knows that this is completely unreasonable, which is perhaps why I am thinking about it so much. But it left me wondering; does anyone else feel the same when it comes to their kids? I know it is U to feel this way, my question is more about finding out if I'm the only one who does.

OP posts:

Yarp · 05/05/2015 10:51

No, I don't think I do feel like that, OP

I was a SAHM for 10 years

Yarp · 05/05/2015 10:53

Mine are teens now, BTW, and I don't think I have ever felt like that. Yes, I know the logistics and the details a bit more, but that's just admin- my DH loves, cares for and understands them as much as I do

Owllady · 05/05/2015 10:58

I think people make decisions based on what suits them with the children in mind. It's hypothetical and not real to say this will happen if x happens, because x hasn't happened.

I also think co parenting when children are younger is quite natural. When you have teenagers it's more tricky to call who is doing the lions share or whether it is an even split. I don't know, maybe we muddle along more than other people!

OrlandoWoolf · 05/05/2015 11:00

This discussion must link in quite nicely with debates about SAHM,SAHD, having it all, mums doing childcare etc. Where is the distinction between expectation because you're a mum and needing to do it because you're their mum?

And if you don't feel like that, what does that mean?

sebsmummy1 · 05/05/2015 11:02

DP knows that if he took DS from me then quite honestly I would no longer exist, it's as simple as that. I agree with the poster who said we would probably end up still Iuvubg together and co parenting as neither of us would be se go deal with being away from our son - pathetic I know.

Thankfully we have a solid relationship and I would happily put my saving on us staying together for the long haul.

Yarp · 05/05/2015 11:03

Orlando

re: my post above, where I said I don't agree with the OP.
For, me, I think it demonstrates to me that me and DH are on the same page. I would worry if I felt closer to the DCs than he does. He's a good dad and a good man

(sorry if anyone needs to puke at this )

OrlandoWoolf · 05/05/2015 11:04

But a lot of parents send their kids to boarding school and still cope.

And now he's 10, my contact with him is "I know he's in the house but he's probably on the X box or watching YouTube".

Writerwannabe83 · 05/05/2015 11:08

*needing to do it because you're their mum"

This rings so true. I feel that as DS's mom it's my job to ensure he is safe, cared for, looked after properly, dressed and fed properly etc. It's me who goes shopping for all his clothes and toys, it's me who packs his bags for the childminder and sorts out his packed lunches, it's me who arranges doctors appointments and keeps on top of his prescriptions, it's me who does the bedtime routine if me and DH are both home together, it's me who gets his clothes out ready for the next day, it's me who worries about his health and his nappy rash, it's me who worries about whether his diet is good enough, it's me who worries if he's getting enough sleep, it's me who worries about how much his teething is hurting etc etc

Everything is me. It's not because it's expected of me but because I feel like it is my role as a mom to love and care for DS with every fibre of my being and make sure all his needs are being met.

When DH had him the other day he put DS to bed without even giving him an evening meal. He forgot apparently

A mother would never do that

madreloco · 05/05/2015 11:12

Lots of mothers would do that, lots of fathers wouldn't. Don't use your useless husband as some kind of example.
You don't do everything for your child just because you're his mum, you do it because for some reason you've procreated with someone who can't even feed their kid when left alone.
And its really not funny.

OrlandoWoolf · 05/05/2015 11:13

writer

It sounds like your DH has learned helplessness. If you were ill, your DH would have to cope. If you do everything because you "are the only person who can and who will do it right", your DH will probably let you because he has learnt he can't do it right and he is no good. He should be able to do a lot of that and you need to let him.

Women complain of "wife work" - but this thread shows that some women think they are the only ones who can possibly care for and understand their DC.

DH's feel pushed out of the role as a carer as well because sometimes their DPs won't let them be carers.

Writerwannabe83 · 05/05/2015 11:19

Well DH has sole care of DS three days a week (due to my shifts) so I know he's capable of looking after DS but I will always irrationally feel like he can't do as good a job as me.

As part of my job I spend a lot of time with parents (I work with children 0-2) and believe me OP a lot of mothers feel exactly the same way as you do.

In about 95% of the cases I see at work (probably more) when either parent can be with the child it is always the mother, even when both parents work. Maybe it's not so much as the mother needing to be with her child in these situations but more the sense of feeling that the child needs to be with it's mother. I don't know.

OrlandoWoolf · 05/05/2015 11:22

So let him look after them.

Expect him to sort out the stuff you do.

There are many women who complain on here that their DHs don't do childcare or "child admin".

I bet there are many women who won't let their DP do it because "only they know what to do".

Writerwannabe83 · 05/05/2015 11:23

orlando - my DH definitely can do a large portion of things on that list but I genuinely feel that as the mother I want to do it all. Sometimes I get frustrated when I feel everything is left for me but I know if I handed over responsibility to DH I would constantly be fretting that things weren't getting done or being done properly.

When I first returned to work I used to ring DH all the time to check x,y and z had even done, asking what DS had eaten, when he'd napped, when he'd gone to bed etc and I have definitely improved in that respect. I have learnt to just let them get on with it. I know DS won't come to any harm so I try not to interfere and instead just ask DH all the above questions when I get home instead

madreloco · 05/05/2015 11:31

He has sole care three days a week yet doesn't pick clothes, take to drs, do any shopping for him...and forgets to feed him?

Pull the other one.

girliefriend · 05/05/2015 11:43

I feel the same way as you OP and like you i realise its unreasonable

For me its not an issue as dd has no contact with her father so I don't have to share her. However I have had this conversation with a friend and said if both parents wanted equal amount of contact I would really struggle with that. I realise its not rational or fair but it is how i feel.

Writerwannabe83 · 05/05/2015 11:54

maldreco for two of those days DS is at the childminders. I just meant that DH has to do breakfast, drop DS off at the childminders, pick him up again, give dinner if needed and then do bath time and bed time.

On the 3rd day though he has sole care from 6am until he goes to bed at about 7pm. I think on that day they just mess around together and DH enjoys the freedom from my watchful eye

Yarp · 05/05/2015 11:59

Writer

If you are not careful, that feeling will trap you.

Also - don't you want your children to see that men and women can care for children?

grannytomine · 05/05/2015 12:05

MrsKoala maybe I am talking about something different. You can pay plenty of people to cook and do housework. I see the relatonship between parent and chld as being rather more than being their body slaves.

MrsKoala · 05/05/2015 12:26

Of course it is I was answering the question of how my dh would cope if I died. But because I do all of that for them and basically everything I feel I understand their needs better. I know what they will eat and won't, I know what time to feed them, I can tell what cry means I'm tired, all of this comes from the amount of day to day stuff I do with them. My mum is closer to them probably than dh, because she also does this for them more than he does. It doesn't affect his love for them of course. But it means I am more of a 'parent' I think and that I have a deeper connection with them.

grannytomine · 05/05/2015 13:07

But does that mean they are "more yours" as that was what the OP was about. All families are different, my husband is profoundly disabled, my yongest child was 2 weeks old when we got the diagnosis. When I went into hospital my two youngest were at primary school and they physical looking after was more about them doing it for dad, not him doing it for them. Could granny have cooked, cleaned, picked up after them better than him? Without a doubt. Have I done all the cooking, cleaning, picking up etc? Yes I have. Does that make them more mine than his? Does it hell. If anything had happened to me when they were little it would have been horrific if they had been whisked off to granny's to be looked after. They would have managed, older two would have helped if only by arranging practical help but the thing they would have got from dad was far more important than the servant stuff.

slippermaiden · 05/05/2015 13:13

I definitely feel that they should live with me, I carried them for 9 months and do most of the caring stuff (washing, cooking, taking to and from school, after school activities, bathing, reading with and to.) I'm not sure what my husband would think. Hopefully never have to think about it!

MrsKoala · 05/05/2015 13:27

nothing means they are more yours tho technically does it? i thought the op was 'do you feel they are more yours?' in which case the answer is yes, to me they do and that is why. Your dh has been physically present for your dc, my DH has spent months away from ours, possibly about 80% of their lives. if we split up and he saw them eowe it would make no difference to their relationship - as he often doesnt even get to do that now. Whereas it would break me. I am connected to them in a totally different way.

I think you have misunderstood my point. It isn't that i make the food and dress them. It is that because i make the food i know that ds1 will only eat mashed veg and certain meats, no fruit, no dairy etc I can tell by the look on his face whether he is up for trying something new or whether he needs a comforting meal. I can tell when he is about to lob his plate across the room. Because i dress him i know which trousers will annoy him on any particular day. I know that he wont wear shorts etc. All of these things my dh is incapable of intuitively knowing or learning. Because of that i am an extension of them. DH is not. They adore DH. But it isn't the same.

grannytomine · 05/05/2015 13:36

All of these things my dh is incapable of intuitively knowing or learning.

Well I am lost for words, is he special needs?

MrsKoala · 05/05/2015 13:50

yes

bigTillyMint · 05/05/2015 14:00

I have no idea how we would split the time with our DC if we were to split up - it would kill both of us to be without them. I worked part-time till they both left primary and did take on the lions share of the drudge, but we both loved them the same.

Thankfully it is not something we have had to consider so far, and now they are teens and will be off of their own accord before we know it.

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