about HV reporting me to GP

[spectral]

I took DD to her 2-year development check last week. It was at 1pm, which I wasn't thrilled about as dd is normally asleep then and that's important work time for me, but I didn't have much faith in the possibility of rescheduling again, as we'd initially had a letter making an appointment for a date already in the past. I turned up on time with a completed copy of the development questionnaire and a very sleepy DD.

HV went through the questionnaire asking each question again, word-for-word. About five minutes in she said I seemed 'stressed' and asked why; I told her that DD really needed a sleep, that I really needed the time to work, and that I wasn't sure why I had bothered to fill out the questionnaire in advance if we were going to go through it again word-for-word. Appointment went a bit faster after that; I said that I would ask for help if I thought dd needed it, but that we had no concerns whatsoever about her development. HV agreed no concerns. DD didn't want to cooperate with being weighed and measured, but HV said she looked pretty 'in proportion' so it didn't really matter, and appointment ended by mutual agreement.

Six days later I get a phone call from DD's GP saying he's had an email from HV about me and is 'calling out of a duty of care to a child' -- so clearly not a friendly call just to check everything's ok. I told him about the conversation I had at HV appointment, explained again why I might have seemed stressed, but that that HV had not indicated to me that she might have grounds for passing anything on. I pressed him to say whether there was anything out of the ordinary going on, and he said no, and I decided to be honest with him and say that I was very unhappy (ok, I actually said furious) that HV had decided to report me to my daughter's GP.

I am utterly freaked out, though. I adore DD and do my best for her, as does DH, and I think we are doing ok. I did express a negative opinion about the way the appointment was organised, but I think that should be allowed! What on earth is going on?

I guess you could take the attitude that one poster posting isn't responsible for how her words effect another, ignoring the usual basic humanity thing that I tend to buy into. But, I'm not sure how well that attitude flies when people are posting about something they Know is incredibly sensitive and very complex, and they have also declared their profession.

Personally I'm hoping that Sharon will be a little more careful in pursuing an argument in this context. And is able to think beyond the point she wanted to make, in order to take into account the context, audience, and impact of their posts. Surely after declaring a professional interest that's the only responsible thing to do?

This is Mumsnet, a site specifically made for and used by parents. You have to expect parents will read the posts on here. And will react in the normal way people do.

As you say, you are a health care professional, so I'm sure you know all about communicating with parents, especially those who are dealing with mental illness and the massive toll it has in terms of guilt, shame and erosion of self esteem and confidence.

It must be such a huge shock to read on here that a HCP is certain that you have damaged your childs brain, by having the misfortune to have been stressed and anxious in their early years. And then that person just argues about it and refuses to even engage with the person who's reeling with the impact of those words.

Everyone's human, everyone has buttons that can get pushed, but people can also make a choice to learn, develop and move on from it, or get angry, defensive and retrench their position.

You could have come across rude and defensive to the HV and she reported some concers your toddlers report go to the gp if she thinks you maybe under stress or anxious this isnt about you its about your child. you acted like the whole process was above you as you are so busy you dont have to attend these checks. I dont get Hv hate they are providing a service and doing their job which they are trained for.

And no I'm not like a dog with a bone, I'm a little behind the thread, but I do feel strongly that as soon as you've declared a professional interest you have to post with that in mind.

I can see you have personal experiences which are framing the way you react to this topic, but you need to be transparent about that and whether you're reacting as a person who's been through a lot personally, or whether you are coming from a professional stand point. Mixing the two is very confusing especially when the implications of what you are saying are so significant.

As an individual I totally understand your reaction and you talking about parents just having to cope with the guilt and shame takes on a completely different meaning.

I agree with this

"There is something very Orwellian in the way that you become suspicious if you voice your disatisifaction, but above suspicion if you are compliant. Being unhappy with a service is not the same not supporting the ethos of the service. I have heard of many cases of parents attempting to disengage with health services being seen as a sign of concern, sometimes to disastrous consequences. As an earlier poster said none wants a child abuse case to slip through on their watch. It means a robotic job's worth mentality replaces common sense. Makes me shiver."

I do think it needs to be made clear that HVs aren't compulsory. The one I had with my first was useless (told me mango was fattening fgs) and so I didn't bother at all with my second.

Wow, a lot has happened on this thread this morning. Some of it has taken a different turn with other people (nothing wrong with that), so I won't comment on it all. I hope anyone here who feels they really do need support is able to get it.

Thank you all for your opinions. I accept that it was unreasonable to expect an HV who has never met us to be telepathic and know everything about our family life with no previous information. From that point of view I should have been less snippy. But I am also heartened that there are others who seem to agree that the power dynamic in the relationship between HCP and the individual can be very unbalanced, and that it is wrong for people to feel like they are being denied the option of withholding consent for interventions they do not want or need. That given the power dynamic involved, it is not unreasonable to be shocked and upset when somebody else calls you out of the blue nearly a week later, talking about their 'duty of care' to your child.

Since I do indeed have work to do, I may not manage to read all the rest of this thread if it continues to move fast. Again, thanks to all.

Nickersinaknot (great name) she told me that going back to work was bad for baby. If I needed support that wasn't it. I wasn't even going back early and was going part time. She told me that mothers who breastfeed shouldn't be going back to work as it was bad for baby. She was a bit of and idiot. End of.

Hence the red cheeks because in her books I should have been there.

I shouldn't have been there. Sorry my typo. Especially in a more senior position. Still chortle about it.

Can I just agree that sharon's posts with her glorious sweeping statements have been mostly bang out of order.

I had AND and have (less severe) PND. Just want to thank duplo for your sensitive and reassuring posts. I am currently about 50/50 between doing ok and 'fake it to make it'. I have faith it will get better though and I even have some days where I believe that my DD might be glad I'm her mum rather than just feeling guilty all the time.

Just a quick note to the Social Worker. You are working beyond your professional remittance diagnosing MH conditions.

You are wrong, I was dunked and drown. I had psychiatric assessment and none of the things I was accused of by you or others.

I am simply pissed off and dealing with defence professionals who don't think I am entitled to my own very "normal" feeling that they are cruel non heros, having been harmed and watched my dc be harmed By professionals. I am not paranoid as we underwent physical health diagnosis, I have read all our files so all my claims have evidence not all in my mind.

Professionals don't like being wrong.

OP - You say you were 'snippy' and seemed stressed so it's not unreasonable that the HV came to that conclusion. I can see that you realise now.

As to why you received a call a week later? The reason may simply be that the HV had clinical or peer supervision for her caseload and said 'I saw x, I've got no concerns but Mum seemed a bit stressed about the whole process' and then her supervisor or peers thought it may be worthy of note and suggested she pass it on to the GP.

I'm a HCP and part of good practice is that you have supervision and reflect on the situation with other people. They may point out things that I didn't really think about too much and look at things in different ways.

Well, one thing this thread has done is illustrate that there are good HVs and there are poor HVs. Perhaps those who were confused as to why some people are rather hostile to the HV service will have more of an understanding of how said hostility can come about?

I haven't had any particularly bad experiences with HVs. I'm not massively impressed by the contact I've had with the local service since having DS3 last November, but at least there is a service should I need it. Where we lived before I saw HVs for the 6 week check and that was it.

JoanHickson if by "the social
Worker" you mean me, then please have the good manners to address me by name as I did to you.

I did not diagnose any mental health issues, if I had done then you are correct that I would be working "beyond my professional remittance". I am sorry you have had a poor experience but please do not assume that every professional is out to destroy families. That notion is ridiculous and as I said extremely offensive.

This thread has confirmed my beliefs that there are 'good' and 'bad' HCP and HVs, as in all walks of life.
Personally I never went near HVs after an initial bad experience with one. I preferred to see the GP if I had any issues with dcs.

I am late to this thread but have to say I think YANBU op

You have got a lot of stick for being stroppy but your post actually struck me as scared - you say you were freaking out because the Gp used the phrase "duty of care to a child".

I have to say as a new mum myself I'd interpret that as code for "might be damaging or abusing your dc".

It would be way different if he had rung and said "x said you seemed quite stressed, are you coping or is it all getting on top of you?"

Also jeez, people are arsy and snippy IRL. It's not a crime, it doesn't mean you're a bad mum. I'm pretty shocked at the idea that someone being a bit terse in an exchange is cause for concern. It's not like the OP didn't engage properly with her daughter or the DD seemed unhappy, had unexplained injuries etc.

The OP explained to the HV why she was unhappy at that time and the HV seemed to take it on board. I think anyone would be a bit freaked by a follow up a week later when OP had probably forgotten all about it. At least I would!

I haven't RTFT as it seems to have descended into a bun fight. But I think the HV was right.

OP you were stressed and agitated, in a hurry to leave, reluctant to discuss the questions. That would set off alarm bells. Yes there's an innocent explanation but the HV would be wrong to accept everything at face value.

I also think the GP was wrong to call you as I doubt they followed official procedure.

I think its standard for HV's to go through the questions. Next time change the appointment time so you are both you and child are happy. I can't believe a grown woman would feel that a standard HV appointment was unmovable! Even a sacred consultant appointment would be moveable, this was just a HV! Nothing special.

You find it offencive one Internet poster, yet think I who was traumatised for years muliiple times watching professionals leave my dc with long term physical, mobility, social & educational damage should suck it up.... You just proved my point.

The only point I have proved is that you are willing to tarnish every professional with the same brush. As I have said I'm sorry if the professionals involved with you treated you badly. There are ways and means to deal with that as should have been explained on your first visit from a social worker. But believe me when I, my colleagues and social workers all over the country finish a 16 hour day by being unable to sleep because of worrying about the child they have been dealing with that day they are trying to help and not destroy families.

I shall leave it there because you have obvious been deeply affected by your experiences and I really don't want to argue with you any longer.

The attitude from some people on this thread is that professional intervention is great and good if needed and very bad and wrong if not.

So if all professionals could just psychically know to only bother the right people, that would be grand. Except they aren't psychic. Obviously.