dh feels I'm not pulling my weight... is he bu?

[brownpaperbag2]

DH has a high powered stressful job and commutes for about 1 hour 15 mins each way into the City every day. He catches the train just gone 6am and comes home about 7.30pm. He is feeling really pissed off with family life at the moment and is getting very grumpy and picking lots of fights with me. I can't seem to do anything right but I also can't really see what I am doing wrong either.

I iron his shirt each day, drive him to the station and pick him up again. I work 3 hours a day, term time only, in a school - low wage. We have 3 children (8, 10 and 12) and have 2 dogs. I try to keep the house clean and tidy and have a home cooked meal each evening. However, with 3 children and 2 dogs it is an uphill never-ending battle to ensure the house is show home perfect for when he comes home.

My eldest child is hitting puberty and the rows at home are just terrible. They are so wearing and it is getting everyone down.

I used to have a career job but have not worked in it for 9 years so if I went back to full time working I would earn barely enough to cover childcare and my commuting costs - in fact I would likely be out of pocket.

The cost of running a family home, 2 cars, 3 children is a lot. Each of my children have grown out of their clothes and need new ones, and shoes.

The constant spending is really upsetting my husband and he says I am not pulling my weight for the amount of money he is bringing in and I am spending.

I just don't know if he is being reasonable or not. Life for me isn't all roses. Of course it could be a lot worse and I have it far easier than many. But dealing with a hormonal boy and keeping on top of everything is not easy either.

In terms of my career, I 'fell on my sword' for the family. We couldn't both have career jobs as it was constant battles over who was going to take the time off when a child was ill or needed someone there at school etc. I gave up my career after maternity leave with our 3rd child. I have supported the family in order for him to focus on his career and not worry about things that happen in the family. However, I don't actually enjoy being a stay at home mum. I enjoy getting away from drudgery and using my brain (I have a BA, diploma, Masters).

We are not unusual but I guess a very 1950s model family.

Life is getting him down, but I have no idea how to speak with him to show him that this is just reality of a family and actually I am doing my bit but just in a different way. He can't put a £ on my value to the family unit like he can with his wages.

It is really upsetting me.

He sounds either depressed, and taking it out on you, or perhaps someone at work is turning his head and he is looking for an excuse to paint you ina bad light.

Either that, or the reality of 3 kids, a couple of pets and all that is crushing the romance and you guys need to find a way back to it.

Whatever it is I think you need to give him some cold hard facts about the financial reality of your lives, what you save by looking after the kids, and how he is making you feel. And to really try to go nuclear on him a bit. You've really bent over backwards way way too long. A frickin show home? With 3 kids? I just find that pathetic. You give up your career to prioritise family and get made to feel this way - not on.

Sorry not read whole thread - but

But the childcare is too much, as it costs more than my wage.

Why do YOU pay the childcare. Why doesn't he also pay towards childcare?? It is enabling him to work also.

DH income = x
OP's potential income = y
Cost of childcare = z

Current FAMILY income = x
Future FAMILY income = x+y-z

If x+y-z > x then the FAMILY will lose money by OP going to work (which is the same as saying that childcare costs are greater than OP's salary, it doesn't make a blind bit of difference whose salary it actually comes out of).

Of course this is a short term calculation and ignores any future salary rises, pensions, benefits to OP personally etc.

Have those advocating the bit where OP goes to f/t work and her H steps up to the plate and miraculously starts parenting their DCs and sharing the home workload, not read the bit where she tried that a few years ago and he sucked at it.

You just can't win here can you op? You work part time term time so you're there for your children and are able to drop husband off and sort out the house and that's not enough. Then you get a job but he doesn't like that because he isn't prepared to share responsibility for his children if they are ill etc!!

I think he is being totally unfair. He is able to do his well paying,enjoyable but stressful job because you are supporting him by looking after the children and house. If he doesn't value this then he should support you finding a full time job and pay towards childcare etc. He can't have it both ways.

I really feel for you. I have 1 child (12) and work 3 days a week and also look after my elderly mil. Dw works full time and is away from home 3 days a week with a truly hellish commute. She is utterly lovely and constantly tells me how much she appreciates my help and support and wants me to be happy.

As for resenting spending money on the kids clothes etc....I'm bemused!!

Walking a dog for an hour isn't loads, most young dogs need a minimum of that, and 3 or 4 times that for some breeds! /misses point of thread/

Seriously though. The kids will leave home soon (6-10 years) and then what will you do? You need to do something! Too early to retire. So start thinking about your career now, because you've still got 15-20 years left of work potential in you. That's a long time to be hanging around the house doing DH's ironing. Make a plan for returning to a career.

Your DH sounds tiring and tiresome. Whatever you do won't be enough. You go out to work then, he can step down and do as less stressful job, with a bit of a salary drop. Then tick...tock...give him a week tops to start moaning. Swings & roundabouts.

Yet again, someone using the fact they work outside the home to define themselves as Mr/Mrs Super-Important, whilst the partner not doing same is a nobody, after all its all about money so their input in other ways is meaningless. Given that "fact" they need monitoring, and lecturing, to remind them that they're inferior

Life's short... Id have to get this sorted now I can't abide moany people and there's no way on earth in this 1 life Id even consider the prospect of putting up with it for years either. Loads of men have to do what your DH does...and they just get on with it. Life changes, children grow up, priorities change. But when DCs are younger its tough, and that is that. Having an attitude towards the inevitable serves no purpose

Hope you get it sorted out