dh feels I'm not pulling my weight... is he bu?

[brownpaperbag2]

DH has a high powered stressful job and commutes for about 1 hour 15 mins each way into the City every day. He catches the train just gone 6am and comes home about 7.30pm. He is feeling really pissed off with family life at the moment and is getting very grumpy and picking lots of fights with me. I can't seem to do anything right but I also can't really see what I am doing wrong either.

I iron his shirt each day, drive him to the station and pick him up again. I work 3 hours a day, term time only, in a school - low wage. We have 3 children (8, 10 and 12) and have 2 dogs. I try to keep the house clean and tidy and have a home cooked meal each evening. However, with 3 children and 2 dogs it is an uphill never-ending battle to ensure the house is show home perfect for when he comes home.

My eldest child is hitting puberty and the rows at home are just terrible. They are so wearing and it is getting everyone down.

I used to have a career job but have not worked in it for 9 years so if I went back to full time working I would earn barely enough to cover childcare and my commuting costs - in fact I would likely be out of pocket.

The cost of running a family home, 2 cars, 3 children is a lot. Each of my children have grown out of their clothes and need new ones, and shoes.

The constant spending is really upsetting my husband and he says I am not pulling my weight for the amount of money he is bringing in and I am spending.

I just don't know if he is being reasonable or not. Life for me isn't all roses. Of course it could be a lot worse and I have it far easier than many. But dealing with a hormonal boy and keeping on top of everything is not easy either.

In terms of my career, I 'fell on my sword' for the family. We couldn't both have career jobs as it was constant battles over who was going to take the time off when a child was ill or needed someone there at school etc. I gave up my career after maternity leave with our 3rd child. I have supported the family in order for him to focus on his career and not worry about things that happen in the family. However, I don't actually enjoy being a stay at home mum. I enjoy getting away from drudgery and using my brain (I have a BA, diploma, Masters).

We are not unusual but I guess a very 1950s model family.

Life is getting him down, but I have no idea how to speak with him to show him that this is just reality of a family and actually I am doing my bit but just in a different way. He can't put a £ on my value to the family unit like he can with his wages.

It is really upsetting me.

The hormones will even out eventually - my DS was a hormonal nightmare a year ago with the fluctuations but now is just over 13 and things are easier. Of course you will have the same thing over and over as you don't have twins.

Agree with the other posters that this might be something more deep rooted, or just possibly a stress reaction to the changing relationship with your son. Perhaps if you ask on the Teenage board people will have wonderful ideas for this changing relationship and how both your son and his parents navigate this? Somedays still our house is like a war zone with two 13 years olds and me and my menopausal ways - but most days we are learning to navigate our new relationships. Your kids should have a rota of chores to be helping in the house - even with their dyspraxia which means a lot of things are more difficult or divided down into smaller parts - my kids have their chores as they are bigger than me now and I'm not looking after 3 adults all on my own.

Do you do do your household accounts together - if he has no idea where the money is going then maybe he should have more of an idea. My DS cost me a small fortune in clothes end of last year when I replaced everything with small mens for trousers and med (luckily) for t-shirts. 4 months later I've had to replace all the trousers for medium.

It is odd that your husband doesn't realise that teens in some ways need more parenting time than kids of any other age.

You're both working hard it seems. Both contributing.

Are you sure childcare would wipe your salary out? With the age of your children, you'd only be looking at breakfast club (£5x3) plus afternoon club (£10x3) ish. £45 ish daily. I haven't got a clue about tax, but wouldn't £25k bring in over £100 a day?

What does your dh suggest you do exactly given that ft job would not cover childcare?

And train your dogs so they can be walked together by an average 12 year old.

Don't work full time. Teenagers need their parents, especially as you have always been there for them.

Your DH is a bit of a pain. Your house is a home not a show house.

I think your dh is missing the obvious. The reason he can be successful in his high powered career is because you are at home. Running the home, sorting the dc, making his home life smooth running.

The key issue is that he has no respect for what you contribute to the family.

So your DH is "getting very aggrieved that he is working hard in a stressful environment and yet his 'partner' is not. Therefore, I am not pulling my weight." That's just horrible, would it make him happy if you were also working FT in a stressful job even if that made no financial sense or kept the house 'showhome' perfect because that would be proof that you were working sufficiently hard in the day? I think you should stop walking on egg shells and have some frank conversations with him, he has no right to treat you like this just because he's bringing in more money.

Hi

You do have my sympathy family life is intense and it must be hard feeling like you have to please your dH and be at his beck and call whilst caring for your kids at a difficult stage!

You sound really unhappy.

Ideally you need to go out alone with dH, have some bonding time and tell him truthfully how desperate you feel. That you know it's hard for him too, but you're really struggling with your older son and maybe some dad time would be helpful for him.

I know myself the time from after school til bedtime Be HELL!

If this doesn't work tell him your going back to work and he has to share responsibility of pets, kids and housework.

Finola1step - my DH is 49. I very much believe I am under a performance review. I wonder what will happen if I fail? Perhaps he will fire me.

Wildflowers - I don't think we are alone. I imagine there are hundreds of stay at home partners whose working partner tells them they aren't up to scratch. I guess I started this thread as I truly wanted feedback from the Internet ether to tell me how best to approach things.

DH could be having an affair. I don't have any inkling that he is. I'm not going through is pockets or phone etc. In jest, he sometimes says he couldn't afford another woman... well I hope it is in jest.

DS1 has learning issues so I can't leave him. But I am not sure I would want to leave my children alone for 3 hours every school night. Also, what about the school holidays? That would be leaving them from 7.30 till 6.30 each day. I certainly wouldn't want to do that.

Ah cross post sorry.
Given your ds1, I don't think now is the right time to be going ft for you.
Could your ds1's behaviour be because of your dh's behaviour. Could they find a hobby to do together on a weekend?

The 12 year old wouldn't need childcare. After school club is £12 per day here.

BUT that is not the issue really - her DH cannot see her worth - he is thinking in terms of money/cash only. This is what needs addressing

It's his kids you're needing to buy new clothes for, right?

If he begrudges his own kids new clothes bought with money he's earned, then he's an arse.

You're both working hard. My first thought too though was the second car. It dies sound as though you're leading an extravagant lifestyle as a family with all those activities every weekend. My advice would be to ditch the activities and the car, spend more family time especially with your eldest boy. If your husband is a high earner then all of that will not be going on new clothes and essentials, he may have a point and you may need to cut back.

I think it makes little sense for you to increase your hours. Sounds like your eldest really needs you there at the moment and it will only be for a few more years. Your dh needs to respect your role at home though.

But I am not sure I would want to leave my children alone for 3 hours every school night. Also, what about the school holidays? That would be leaving them from 7.30 till 6.30 each day. I certainly wouldn't want to do that.

Govt has made this mandatory for children in single parent families.

He is not your boss and does not have the right to make you feel so uncomfortable in your own home.

So he goes to work, comes home and that's it? He does fuck all else apart from whinge about stuff not being done ?
Are you the servant or an equal partner?

He wanted a roast.. Here's a novel idea he could get off his arise and make one.. I couldn't give s shit he works all week in a stressful job. He has responsibilities at home and it's about time he pulled his finger out of his arse.

Ask him what he actually wants. Because from what you've said, the answer to that question is 'for you to be as overworked and unhappy as me'. And that is just shitty.

Fifteen hours a week term time only is nothing with three children of those ages compared to the hours he works and the burden he carries.

If you were stressed and had to work those long hours to pay for another adult and the children would you honestly not resent him just working three hours a day?

Every day I walk our dogs for at least an hour. This weekend I have done it again. However, he wanted a roast dinner so I stayed in and cooked a roast today. DS1 walked 1 dog but not 2 as they are too strong for him. After cooking and then cleaning up the kitchen, DH very pointedly told me that I hadn't walked the 2nd dog. I asked if he would do it as I was now going to do the washing and sorting out the clothes. He was so pissed off. He is out of the house now, but I am not looking forward to him coming back.

Yep. He really is an arse. He is the big I am and you are there purely to serve him.

Your relationship with your eldest DS can be salvaged with patience, but don't expect your H to take any interest in doing what needs to be done. That will also be your job, even where it involveshis own actions

It sounds like he is feeling the strain of working full-time and having to be responsible for the whole of the family finances. When children are little, I agree that being a mum is a full-time job and should be valued. However, your children are now old enough for you to have a full-time job,as you don't have much to do when your children are at school. As you say, you have lots of leisure time in the day - that doesn't seem fair when your husband has none. Could he cut down his hours while you increase yours? That way the load would be more evenly spread. True partners share and make things easier for each other.

Of course, that then means he has to take his turn at doing the cooking and ironing - neither men nor women can have it both ways!

50's families worked in the 50's when things were cheaper, but unfortunately nowadays, when the children are in school, both parents usually have to work. Have you thought about doing work that you can do at home? Childminding, avon, or doing ironing (not an insulting suggestion - one of my friends does this and she has a degree, but likes doing it)? If you don't want to work outside of the home full-time, you could still be bringing in an income.

So he wants it on monetory costs..
Cab fair 5 days a week too and from the station.
Cleaner for how every many hours a week.
Professional dog services
Tutor
Laundry service
Cook
Escort/call girl/ what ever you want to call bedroom fees
Personal shoppe Shopper, all that food, clothes and gifts don't magically make themselves to you
Entertainment
Nurse for when everyone is sick
Nanny
Chauffeur
Barmaid all those countless drinks
Window washer
Dish washer
Spa costs - cleaning the kids

Yes that's what I thought, why can't he make a roast?

Your weekdays are different, but if you are spending the daytime walking the dogs, cleaning, food shopping and cooking AND dealing with 3 DC before and after school, that's work. It would be different if you really were having "free time" i.e. going to spas, having lunch out and buying handbags. But what you're doing is contributing to the household for all of you, just as he is.

Evenings and weekends, therefore, you should share jobs like cooking to ensure both of you get a break sometimes.

I think what this bloke needs is to agree to take a week's holiday and do what you do – school runs, dogs, and all the admin and housework that you do routinely. Let's see if he can keep on top of everything and maintain a show home, if he thinks it's so easy. This would give him some idea that what you do is not easy at all.

I also wonder if getting back to your career would be a good idea. If you can re-establish yourself, you might be able to afford some kind of nanny, cleaner and dog-walker combo between you. This also might be good for DS if you are clashing all the time.

Your kids are old enough, so why not get an au pair/nanny of some sort and go back to work full time. That why he can cut down on his hours, less stress and then he will have no excuse. I do have sympathy for you, but your family life has changed now and I think you do need to be working as well.

Another book recommendation is The Explosive Child, btw. The techniques suggested would probably work with your lord and master H, too.