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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dh feels I'm not pulling my weight... is he bu?

158 replies

brownpaperbag2 · 03/05/2015 18:21

DH has a high powered stressful job and commutes for about 1 hour 15 mins each way into the City every day. He catches the train just gone 6am and comes home about 7.30pm. He is feeling really pissed off with family life at the moment and is getting very grumpy and picking lots of fights with me. I can't seem to do anything right but I also can't really see what I am doing wrong either.

I iron his shirt each day, drive him to the station and pick him up again. I work 3 hours a day, term time only, in a school - low wage. We have 3 children (8, 10 and 12) and have 2 dogs. I try to keep the house clean and tidy and have a home cooked meal each evening. However, with 3 children and 2 dogs it is an uphill never-ending battle to ensure the house is show home perfect for when he comes home.

My eldest child is hitting puberty and the rows at home are just terrible. They are so wearing and it is getting everyone down.

I used to have a career job but have not worked in it for 9 years so if I went back to full time working I would earn barely enough to cover childcare and my commuting costs - in fact I would likely be out of pocket.

The cost of running a family home, 2 cars, 3 children is a lot. Each of my children have grown out of their clothes and need new ones, and shoes.

The constant spending is really upsetting my husband and he says I am not pulling my weight for the amount of money he is bringing in and I am spending.

I just don't know if he is being reasonable or not. Life for me isn't all roses. Of course it could be a lot worse and I have it far easier than many. But dealing with a hormonal boy and keeping on top of everything is not easy either.

In terms of my career, I 'fell on my sword' for the family. We couldn't both have career jobs as it was constant battles over who was going to take the time off when a child was ill or needed someone there at school etc. I gave up my career after maternity leave with our 3rd child. I have supported the family in order for him to focus on his career and not worry about things that happen in the family. However, I don't actually enjoy being a stay at home mum. I enjoy getting away from drudgery and using my brain (I have a BA, diploma, Masters).

We are not unusual but I guess a very 1950s model family.

Life is getting him down, but I have no idea how to speak with him to show him that this is just reality of a family and actually I am doing my bit but just in a different way. He can't put a £ on my value to the family unit like he can with his wages.

It is really upsetting me.

OP posts:
LucilleBluth · 03/05/2015 19:16

Op, you need to snap, loose your temper and tell him how dare he. Fwiw, I have three DCs, DS1 is 13 and he is a hormonal pain in the arse, we argue constantly about everything from homework to teeth brushing.....even at his age, he wouldn't brush his teeth without me nagging. My DH also looses his rag with him, that is totally normal........but your DHs behaviour isn't normal, it's bullying.

Aurochs · 03/05/2015 19:16

(Oh and when he has his domestic week, you go out of the house the same hours he normally does, and when you're back don't lift a finger. See how he likes that. If you like you could spend that time researching your career options and vacancies, writing applications etc.)

eskimobiscuits · 03/05/2015 19:17

OP just a thought- but have you actually sat down with him and asked what the problem is? Maybe he is calling out for help and is too ashamed to come to you.

As I said- just a thought.

bloodyteenagers · 03/05/2015 19:17

Forgot
Admin work
Mediation /UN to stop a mini war on a weekly basis
PR every time you step out to represent the family

There's probably still stuff I have forgot.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 03/05/2015 19:19

@ Littlemonstersrule

Mine are 15, 13 and 10, I 'only' work 16 hours a week. Add in an hour commute every day, and hour of school runs, sometimes another hour of taxi-ing kids to/from clubs, shopping, cleaning, laundry, cooking - it all adds up. I'm up at 6.30 and falling asleep trying to watch the news at 10 ahving had usually little free time. I do all the school admin/reply slips/online payments. Even on the drive to/from work, I am frantically planning the days/week activities. Yes, sometimes I do feel DH has the easier option 'only' having to think about work!

IfNotNowThenWhen · 03/05/2015 19:23

Why are childcare and commuting costs if you go bad to work ft " yours" though? You say you would be out of
pocket. But surely childcare costs are a shared expense of two parents in a marriage?

I dunno. I would think about going back to your career, or at least looking into it and then put on paper for him how much the resulting childcare/cleaner/ dog walker will cost.
He does work long days, but then by the sounds of it so do you.

ouryve · 03/05/2015 19:25

How severe are your DS's care needs, btw? It's worth checking whether you're entitled to DLA for him. It's not means tested and is based on level of need compared with peers.

Indiana50 · 03/05/2015 19:26

I left my son home alone 3 days a week when he was that age, he found porn, I thought the filters worked. Don't go there, it changes them. They need you more as they get older.

I find the bullying from eldest to younger very wearing, and will not tolerate (I grew up with that, and will not have one child diminished because the first feels so insecure).

Send him shopping with the kids, or without, get him to buy their clothes, so he knows how much it costs to kit them out. You're not an employee, you're his wife, give as good as you get. Easier said than done.

AlternativeTentacles · 03/05/2015 19:29

OP - perhaps you should stick a broom up your arse and sweep the floor whilst you wait hand and foot on him and walk the dog all at the same time.

Or just LTB. He isn't going to just get it is he?

EssexMummy123 · 03/05/2015 19:38

"Why are childcare and commuting costs if you go bad to work ft " yours" though? You say you would be out of
pocket. But surely childcare costs are a shared expense of two parents in a marriage? I dunno. I would think about going back to your career, or at least looking into it and then put on paper for him how much the resulting childcare/cleaner/ dog walker will cost. "

I agree with this, you go back to work full-time, buy in services e.g. a cleaner, afterschool and holiday clubs - then your total family monthly outgoings (including a reasonable amount for kids clothes and activities) gets split pro-rata between you, that's a partnership.

I honestly have no clue why you iron his shirts every day when he's not even nice to you?

silverfingersandtoes · 03/05/2015 19:52

Can I just emphasise, OP, that this situation does need addressing, and now. Your post could have been written by me a few years ago, with minor changes to ages of children and so forth. I failed to make changes. I carried on coping alone with the family and the house for years until, out of "nowhere", came the major stress-related heart attack.
Do you have family who could step in and house-sit / take all the DC for a long weekend now and then? To give you and DH a little time together without any family pressure so you could try and reestablish your relationship?
I imagine that having done so well in his career he enjoys the adrenaline of stress and power and is used to being looked up to and having people doing their best to please him - and expects this to continue when he leaves the office. He's forgotten who is really is. And who you are.

cornflakegirl · 03/05/2015 20:04

I work longish hours (although no commute) and DH is a SAHD. He does no paid work (although has some volunteer roles), and our house is not show home perfect (you can write your name in the dust). But he does all school runs, taxiing the kids to activities, school holidays, sick cover, and cooks dinner each night. He pulls his weight - by doing the things that need doing, and freeing me from the stress I would have if I had to organise it all. Yes he has more free time than me - but why would him being stressed make me feel better about working late?

wobblebobblehat · 03/05/2015 20:20

Well, I would seriously be thinking about going back to work full time and getting a cleaner, ironing lady, gardener, dog walker, etc.

He doesn't appreciate you. I'm not sure what more he wants you to do and he sounds entitled and selfish.

Everything at home is done for him. You even drop him off/collect him from the station! I think a dose of you working full time would be a good wake up call.

sanfairyanne · 03/05/2015 20:24

hmmm i would (benefit of hindsight this!) be wondering if he was deliberately causing rows to make me 'the bad guy' and justify an affair. in which case, i would start a simple cash fund in my own name - no harm done if not - think of it as a holiday fund?
speak to school or gp about eldest son and referral to camhs/counselling perhaps ?
and part time job? my kids are same age and i work school hours. i like the social aspect of it tbh

Original poster
brownpaperbag2 · 03/05/2015 20:26

Thank you for your replies. DH came home and I took myself out of the lounge and upstairs to clean up the bedrooms etc.

I have tried discussing things till I am blue in the face. All he says is that I am lucky that I don't work. He does not see me being at home as work.

I got a job 4 years ago and it lasted 7 weeks, I had to resign as I needed him to take time off to look after the children when one was ill and also to enable me to work late two nights.

As he earns 6 figures and I earned a fifth of that, he said that he couldn't risk his job for mine and I needed to stop.

I really can't win with him.

I have tried both ways.

OP posts:
Original poster
brownpaperbag2 · 03/05/2015 20:27

I do work 3 hours a day in a school - so term time only. I work every afternoon.

It isn't as though I don't work for money, but I find going to work better than being at home.

OP posts:
colafrosties · 03/05/2015 20:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AuntyMag10 · 03/05/2015 20:41

So get a nanny at home op and go back ft?

applesareredandgreen · 03/05/2015 20:41

We have a similar set up to you except that I work slightly more hours and have only one DS. A few years ago I got some pressure from my D H regarding going back to work full time. I did not want to do this as I know my DH and that he would not have stepped up the mark and pitched in with the house work and hence this would have caused more stress and argument.

What I did do was take on an additional part time role which is very flexible and mostly involves working from home so I can fit around other commitments. That seemed a good compromise.

Fast forward a few years and I now have additional family commitments regarding aging parents and I am so glad I didn't go back to work full time.

However I can sense that I am different from you in that I prefer doing the extra household stuff to the constraints of a full time job.

Metalguru · 03/05/2015 20:43

You sound way too reasonable. It may not be in your nature but stop the reasonable discussions and lose it with him, then point out to him that you are so furious at his selfish and unreasonable behaviour you have actually considered leaving him and managing on what the CSA will garnish from his salary. He is stuck in a hard done by, poor me mentality and needs a short sharp shock to snap out of it. Yanbu.

OhWotIsItThisTime · 03/05/2015 21:25

He's being an arse. You need to sit down with him and have a serious discussion.

You cannot tear yourself apart. The roast vs dog is a misnomer - what does he really want from you? Is it even possible? Does he realise that you being at home enables him to have a career?

AldiQ7 · 03/05/2015 21:25

Ok, I normally hate it when people say this but.....

If he is earning six figures, then why is money such an issue? Do you have an enormous mortgage?

Dieu · 03/05/2015 21:34

My ex husband turned on me like this when he was having an affair. I don't know if focusing on my 'negatives' helped him to justify his actions. We had a traditional kind of family life, a bit like yours OP, and I don't think it helped that the new woman was a successful career woman! I wouldn't presume to know enough about your situation to judge, or suspect that this is happening to you (probably not, it just rung a bell is all) but I think it's time for an honest chat. These resentments are best not left to fester. Good luck.

Charis1 · 03/05/2015 21:35

If this was a hoolywood film, you could arrange yourself a nice week away with staying with friends in the June half term, and leave him to take a week's leave and enjoy 9 days child care and house work entirely to himself, then come home and find him a reformed man!

Fairylea · 03/05/2015 21:43

He earns six figures and he's moaning about you spending money on the kids?! What!?

Unless you have some huge debts you are paying back that sounds like financial abuse to me.

Do you have equal spending money?

He sounds awful. I am a sahm and my husband earns a very low wage (£15.5k). We have two dc, one of whom us autistic and we receive high rate dla for them. I receive carers allowance and we just about manage. Dh would never ever criticise the house or anything I do at home. He sees that as my domain completely and he is just happy to muck in as required and go to work.

I couldn't live with someone constantly moaning at me.