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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dh feels I'm not pulling my weight... is he bu?

158 replies

brownpaperbag2 · 03/05/2015 18:21

DH has a high powered stressful job and commutes for about 1 hour 15 mins each way into the City every day. He catches the train just gone 6am and comes home about 7.30pm. He is feeling really pissed off with family life at the moment and is getting very grumpy and picking lots of fights with me. I can't seem to do anything right but I also can't really see what I am doing wrong either.

I iron his shirt each day, drive him to the station and pick him up again. I work 3 hours a day, term time only, in a school - low wage. We have 3 children (8, 10 and 12) and have 2 dogs. I try to keep the house clean and tidy and have a home cooked meal each evening. However, with 3 children and 2 dogs it is an uphill never-ending battle to ensure the house is show home perfect for when he comes home.

My eldest child is hitting puberty and the rows at home are just terrible. They are so wearing and it is getting everyone down.

I used to have a career job but have not worked in it for 9 years so if I went back to full time working I would earn barely enough to cover childcare and my commuting costs - in fact I would likely be out of pocket.

The cost of running a family home, 2 cars, 3 children is a lot. Each of my children have grown out of their clothes and need new ones, and shoes.

The constant spending is really upsetting my husband and he says I am not pulling my weight for the amount of money he is bringing in and I am spending.

I just don't know if he is being reasonable or not. Life for me isn't all roses. Of course it could be a lot worse and I have it far easier than many. But dealing with a hormonal boy and keeping on top of everything is not easy either.

In terms of my career, I 'fell on my sword' for the family. We couldn't both have career jobs as it was constant battles over who was going to take the time off when a child was ill or needed someone there at school etc. I gave up my career after maternity leave with our 3rd child. I have supported the family in order for him to focus on his career and not worry about things that happen in the family. However, I don't actually enjoy being a stay at home mum. I enjoy getting away from drudgery and using my brain (I have a BA, diploma, Masters).

We are not unusual but I guess a very 1950s model family.

Life is getting him down, but I have no idea how to speak with him to show him that this is just reality of a family and actually I am doing my bit but just in a different way. He can't put a £ on my value to the family unit like he can with his wages.

It is really upsetting me.

OP posts:
LisaD1 · 04/05/2015 16:08

I think you need to sit down together and actually discuss what the real issues are? agree a plan and then you need to get the children involved too, they are all old enough to do chores/tidy up a bit after themselves and as for the tantrum throwing teen he would be getting severe words from me (my 15 year old tried all that, A swift reminder of who is top dog in this house worked well, the loss of mobile phone and all privileges worked well, she can have them when she shows some respect).

Sazzle41 · 04/05/2015 18:15

Well if he likes his job, IS £ a problem? If not, him picking holes isnt fair. Present him with income v outgoings (you had a great job a simple spreadsheet will take you 5mins to knock up or there is an app for that so i am told). Hard cold fact should put stop to that. If he has grounds to worry, then you need to have a look at upping your hours, not running two cars and less weekend activities for the kids (I dont expect they are free?).

Every time you take a comment like that unchallenged you are tacitly giving him 'permission' to a) do it again b) think he is right. Otherwise, is he depressed? Has a recent life event knocked him for six? Is he having an affair? (starting rows to enable time out of house 'sulking' when he is in fact wtih someone else).

With your eldest are there social or acadamic issues he is acting out about? If its just teen attitude, do you put in consequences for poor behaviour. Reward good behaviour?

Back to your DP: If he hates coming home to mess tho I sympathise. Your kids are old enough to keep communal areas tidy. If they dont it goes in a basket behind a sofa and they arent allowed it back til they earn it back.

Whatisaweekend · 04/05/2015 18:31

brusselsproutwarning: Agree with pp write out exactly what you do all day and how much all that would cost if you had to pay someone.

^
Do this - he will be astonished at how much it is.

FWIW I am a SAHM with only two kids, no dogs and a cleaner and my do doesn't say this kind of thing. The reason I am in this position is that we have jointly made decisions along the way and this is where we have ended up. He shouldn't be punishing you for this.

rookiemere · 04/05/2015 18:34

Yes financially it would be very unlikely that the figures add up for you to go back to work f/t, and don't forget you do bring in a wage, you often don't mention it yourself in your posts as if you were a full SAHM ( not that there is anything wrong with that) but you work 15 hrs a week as well as everything else you do.

harshbuttrue1980 · 04/05/2015 20:19

I don't know why some posters have said that if the OP works full time, she will have to get in a cleaner, gardener etc. Its fine to have help if you can afford it and would be a lovely luxury, but the fact of life is that most families nowadays with older children have two working parents and do their own chores at the weekends. Also, can the teenage son help?

There's nothing wrong with being a stay at home (or very part-time) wife if both partners agree and want that. However, it sounds like the OP's hubby doesn't think this is needed anymore as the children are now older. If the OP doesn't start to pull her weight more financially, she may find herself a single mum. It would seem wise to take one of the low paid jobs and work up - someone who once held a well paid job is likely to be able to do this again.

Some people have said that the husband is unfair, but I don't think that a husband offering the chance for his wife to be at home when the children are very small necessarily means that he is willing and able to have a dependent wife forever.

harshbuttrue1980 · 04/05/2015 20:21

I forgot to add to my post, that the other side of the deal would need to be that hubby does his share around the house if the wife works full-time.

Aermingers · 06/05/2015 12:39

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hellsbellsmelons · 06/05/2015 13:58

Commuting for 2.5 hours every day would be draining and completely soul destroying

Why?
Good little wifey drops him off and collects him so he gets chauffeured!
Say half an hour. The other time he is on a train sitting reading, or listening to music or catching up on work. Blimey, what the OP might give for 2 hours a day to herself.

redskybynight · 06/05/2015 16:37

hellsbells OP does have more than 2 hours a day to herself!! And I take it you've never commuted to London in the rush hour? Relaxing it isn't.

Aermingers · 06/05/2015 16:59

I have to say that commute sounds pretty awful. Would moving closer to the City help? Greenwich is nice.

Isetan · 06/05/2015 17:33

His time of off loading his crap on to you is over, now he needs to be constructive and start offering workable solutions. You're not an employee, you are a partner, so start adopting the demeanour of one. If a colleague was bitching and complaining about a situation they were jointly responsible for but expected you to take all the responsibility, what would you do?

As for your son, maybe it's time to talk to a professional.

fredfredsausagehead1 · 06/05/2015 17:39

I think that's it. Forget what either of you do, it's his attitude towards you that sucks.

I know for a fact my dH would just say to me do what you want to do, do what makes you happy. Lucky girl I am.

ChaiseLounger · 06/05/2015 17:57

I too wonder what exactly it is that your DJ wants you to do?

And yes I think your son is a problem. My 11 year old is very trying.

What job did you do before? Is there nothing part time at a higher earning capacity than your current school role?

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 06/05/2015 19:52

I've only skim read so quite prepared to be corrected, but OP when you first posted you said the DCs are yours and yet later I gather they're yours plural. It comes across that anything inside the four walls of home is solely your responsibility and yet your DH is very much removed from both the emotional and financial responsibilities.

He simply couldn't work and live the way he does without you, so why doesn't he value your input at all?
If I might say, he may have a high earning job and be 'high powered' Hmm but he doesn't come across as very bright or switched on for the real world, well, not unless you only view life to his own advantage...which of course is entirely how he's seeing this.

Oh and his working hours and commute are an absolute piece of piss compared to both mine and DH's, he's not driving is he? What a wuss he is.

Casimir · 06/05/2015 20:29

its not the work or the money or the mess, he just feels NO appreciation for his work. this is the same f ing story all over . its not the work its the no love

Stealthpolarbear · 06/05/2015 21:46

" Add message | Report | Message poster BadgersArse Mon 04-May-15 08:17:49
I do all you say and work full time. What do you do all day?!
"
I assume you missed that the op works?

hellsbellsmelons · 07/05/2015 09:18

redsky I commuted for 11 years into London and NOT on the train.
I had to drive due to the route I would have to take and how much longer it would be on the train.
Over an hour in the car each way with the music blaring and me time was OK. I did move further out and then it got too much, so I know exactly what it's like.

She works, looks after her DC, runs around after her DH and is expected to clean the house to show home standards every day, cook good meals, look after and walk the dogs, iron all his shirts etc... I very much doubt the OP has 2+ hours a day to herself at all.

Damnautocorrect · 07/05/2015 09:50

I actually used to quite enjoy my 2 hr EACH way commute. Admittedly it was by car, so my music, my little bubble. But it was time to unwind and park work at work and home at home.
My OH is also the same, we now live near his work and he comes home much more stressed than when we were half hour away.

I do think your sons behaviour is probably linked to his dad being a dick. What you do about him I don't know. I do think it's quite telling when you did do a full time job you had to leave - so what the hell does he want?!

redskybynight · 07/05/2015 12:05

hells OP has 3 older children and only works 3 hours a day. If she doesn't have 2 hours to herself during the day (and by her own admission she doesn't have a hugely stressful lifestyle) then she needs to reorganize herself! I agree that her DH is being unreasonable in his expectations, but unless she lives in a mansion I sincerely doubt that she has no time to herself. I don't think even OP herself is arguing that!

BurningBridges · 07/05/2015 12:30

Caimir? What made you say that?! He's behaving like an arse because of "no love"?

Please explain, because otherwise it sounds like you're saying that men need a constant expression of how wonderful they are just being them!

BurningBridges · 07/05/2015 12:31

(sorry - Casimir)

Anniegetyourgun · 07/05/2015 13:07

An hour and a quarter is not a stressful commute if you're just sitting (or even standing) on the train, plus a car journey one end and a shortish walk or bus/tube ride the other. I did it for over 30 years.

Icimoi · 07/05/2015 13:56

Commuting for 2.5 hours every day would be draining and completely soul destroying

It really wouldn't. Thousands of people working in London do that and more every day, and I suspect the same is true in most of the big cities. People get on with it, the vast majority managing to do so without being arseholes to their partners and children.

Aussiemum78 · 07/05/2015 13:57

You can't win can you op?

You get a job, and he refuses to do his share of looking after sick kids or housework.

You work part time, he still does nothing at home but resents you for not doing enough.

I wouldn't be surprised if your son doesn't respect your authority because he is modelling his fathers behaviour.

Your husband needs a good fuck off and you should go on holiday and leave him to see how working full time and looking after the house goes...seeing he wants you to do it, it would be reasonable he can do it too.

If his career is so bloody successful why is he working 11 hour days? Can't he be more efficient? Can't he work from home one day? Maybe you should suggest he could be better at managing his time?!

CruCru · 07/05/2015 14:12

Perhaps consider moving this to relationships. I may be wrong but your husband sounds quite abusive.

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