dh feels I'm not pulling my weight... is he bu?

[brownpaperbag2]

DH has a high powered stressful job and commutes for about 1 hour 15 mins each way into the City every day. He catches the train just gone 6am and comes home about 7.30pm. He is feeling really pissed off with family life at the moment and is getting very grumpy and picking lots of fights with me. I can't seem to do anything right but I also can't really see what I am doing wrong either.

I iron his shirt each day, drive him to the station and pick him up again. I work 3 hours a day, term time only, in a school - low wage. We have 3 children (8, 10 and 12) and have 2 dogs. I try to keep the house clean and tidy and have a home cooked meal each evening. However, with 3 children and 2 dogs it is an uphill never-ending battle to ensure the house is show home perfect for when he comes home.

My eldest child is hitting puberty and the rows at home are just terrible. They are so wearing and it is getting everyone down.

I used to have a career job but have not worked in it for 9 years so if I went back to full time working I would earn barely enough to cover childcare and my commuting costs - in fact I would likely be out of pocket.

The cost of running a family home, 2 cars, 3 children is a lot. Each of my children have grown out of their clothes and need new ones, and shoes.

The constant spending is really upsetting my husband and he says I am not pulling my weight for the amount of money he is bringing in and I am spending.

I just don't know if he is being reasonable or not. Life for me isn't all roses. Of course it could be a lot worse and I have it far easier than many. But dealing with a hormonal boy and keeping on top of everything is not easy either.

In terms of my career, I 'fell on my sword' for the family. We couldn't both have career jobs as it was constant battles over who was going to take the time off when a child was ill or needed someone there at school etc. I gave up my career after maternity leave with our 3rd child. I have supported the family in order for him to focus on his career and not worry about things that happen in the family. However, I don't actually enjoy being a stay at home mum. I enjoy getting away from drudgery and using my brain (I have a BA, diploma, Masters).

We are not unusual but I guess a very 1950s model family.

Life is getting him down, but I have no idea how to speak with him to show him that this is just reality of a family and actually I am doing my bit but just in a different way. He can't put a £ on my value to the family unit like he can with his wages.

It is really upsetting me.

I have a similar situation except that dh isn't earning 3 figures (good salary but not three figures) and hates his job, and the house is a tip. Our teen is very very difficult and has been for years.

My dh never complains about the house or about me not working more - because he's a good man who knows that being at home has its own stresses.

In your shoes OP I would be considering counselling together. You need to have each other's back for the next few years. Parenting a challenging teen is hard beyond words, and when things are bad, they are REALLY bad. The stakes for your family are really high.

If he commutes to central london for a 6 figures salary it is very unlikely he can get a comparable job closer home.

I think he disrespects you OP, and all that you do for your family - he's put you in the family servant role.

You drive him to the station at 6am and pick him up in the evening. What about your DC, have you had to leave them on their own to chauffeur Daddy to the station?

DH can't take a less stressful job. His career is great and he is doing well at work. He likes his job much more than he has in years. He just doesn't like the fact I don't have the level of stress he does

This really jumped out at me. So he wants you to be stressed, even though he loves his job. And when you did have a full time job, he would not support you one iota. Seems he doesn't realise that you have enabled a lot of what he had achieved at work. Have you ever told him this?

The only way I could think of out of this is to set down different options and their implications (eg you work full time and pay to replace all you do at home, or he steps up at home) and ask him which one he wants becayse he's obviously not happy. Of course, make sure you go into this with a strong sense of what you want. What do you want?

But you've said he doesn't seem to want to listen, so not really sure where you go fron here. I feel for you.

I do all you say and work full time. What do you do all day?!

Haven't read all responses but having come out of a marriage with a man with similar opinions which left me treading on eggshells, I can only say the problem is of your husbands making. I don't think anything you can do is going to be the right answer.

Ask yourself what do you want to do. Do you want ft career job back? To have paid childcare for your kids? If you think that would be good food you're and kids then go for it but to keep the showhome you'll then need cleaner too.

The happy marriages I see are the ones where each partner respective the others role, in or out of the home.

I think you've got lots to think about from this thread. But I would urge you to get some real life support in the form of couples counseling. Better to sort this now rather than resentment build up... Good luck

Respect * sorry for autocorrect s

I was in a similar position 10 years ago OP. I couldn't do anything right, walking on eggshells... Turned out the reason I couldn't do anything right was because he was having an affair. I hope your DH isn't but please be aware and look after yourself.

I understand that your husband is stressed and then comes back to your son's bad behaviour. There is a lot of tension in your house with one situation feeding off another. For your own sanity, you need to start full time work and get an au pair. Your house will be clean and child care will be sorted. At the very least there will be another person to diffuse the tension. What I don't understand is money situation. If DH is earning such a big salary why is he so worried about money?
Has he always been like this or is it a new development?

I do wonder what your DH is spending his salary on. Do you know?

The flaw in the argument about having a full time job and getting child care is that this is not going to work if you have one child with learning difficulties or mental health issues. These things need both parents fully on board and supporting each other and the child.

The oldest Dc already has an uninterested father. Taking his other parent out of his day to day life is not going to be helpful, IMO.

The OP has sacrificed a lot for her DH's career and now is having it thrown back in her face.

What makes it even sadder is that the OP is not even appreciated for a sacrifice for which she is paying such a high price in terms of her own mental health and that of her DS.

I know a 3 men who sound like the OP's DH. Money is their main focus and they know the price of everything and the value of nothing. All of them have ended up divorced and all of them tried to leave their wives and children with as little as possible while holding onto all their money, their properties, cars, etc.

I agree with the poster above who suggested an affair. My dp was like this-working all hours, staying over, while I looked after dd (having, like you, given up my career to do so).

I never thought he was the "type" either.

For now, I'd cut back on everything that's not strictly necessary-activities, for example-and concentrate, for your sanity, on the stuff that has to be done. Use your work to put aside something just for you. Your kids are older and one day you may be able to make real changes to your life, which may or may not involve your dh.

It sounds as though he just doesn't like you very much. He seems to be picking away at you, wearing you down. He's not a father figure to your difficult teenager either. He should be supporting you, not sniping at you. You are a family, ffs.

I wouldn't mind betting that he's having an affair and trying to justify it by convincing himself that you are the problem. He's saying:" look at me! I work all the hours God sends and this is how she repays me! I go home to the teenager from hell, unwalked dogs, unsorted socks and no bloody roast dinner of a Sunday!. Three bloody hours, that's all she works! Constantly spending my hard-earned dosh on those bloody kids, claiming they're growing.....they can't be costing that much, surely? ".........and so on.....

Been there, done it, got the T-shirt.

Hope I'm wrong.

If you have to walk on egg shells then things need to change. He sounds horrible to live with. I'm sure he works incredibly hard but he can only do this because you are doing everything else. He should have as much appreciation for your contribution to family life as you do to his financial contribution.

On a personal note, dh was once like this. He changed career, we down graded everything, I work more, he does loads with the kids and more housework than me. We are very happy!

Are you the same poster who had a thread about your Brother in Law needing support/ residential care recently? Sorry if you're not but your circumstances are pretty much identical!

If you are there would be a massive back story. IIRC from that thread his Mum was seriously ill in hospital, his brother was very vulnerable half-way across the country but SS weren't stepping up, you were thinking of leaving him if he brought his brother to live with you and he'd had to lie to his employers to get time off to sort things out.. doesn't mean he's not BUR but if he is normally a good person the pressure of all that could be influencing how he feels about things at the moment.

Gosh. This thread has really upset me on your behalf because your situation is so similar to mine in that my husband works in the city with the same length commute though we only have 2 DC's and no dogs and I gave up a career job so he could keep his as well as have kids. I even did a low paid job in a school for a while for a change of scene.

I never get any of this from him, not a bar of it.

My house is not a showhome either.

I do know however that if I ever got any hassle from him I'd be going back full time and I'd be splitting every single little thing that needed to be done in a week in half or he could clear out (easily said but that's the theory)

But I don't get hassle from him, because he sees my contribution as invaluable and is so so grateful that I'm around so he can go on his business trips and work late if needed with mimimal guilt just knowing that the kids are home with me.

There's something about your contribution that he just doesn't "get" and there has to be a way to make him see.

For the people claiming there's loads of money 100k doesn't go far in the South East. Let's have a little look at the probability:

Monthly salary, net: £5000, less £500 pcm rail fares, less probably £1,500 mortgage (?), less £200 after school activities, less £300 to run two cars incl petrol (and that doesn't include replacing them), £250 household maintenance (decorating, bit of roofing, odd tree pollarded, new appliance or bit of carpet occasionally), food bill with three dc £700, DH's clothes £100 (yes because decent suits, shirts, shoes for City jobs cost and that figure's modest), haircuts for the family £50, children's clothes and shoes £75, school meals £100 (have allowed for holiday periods), sky and mobiles etc £75, utilities £100. That leaves about £1000 for birthdays, holidays, emergencies, day to day expenses (and believe me the amount we spend a week between us just on living - you know a paper a coffee, sweets in the newsagents, shoe repairs, dry cleaning, etc, glass of wine with friends type stuff, isn't inconsiderable). There may also be subscriptions for school maintenance funds, church, etc..

I've no idea of the OPs exact outlays or mortgage but just thought a bit of perspective was needed about where the money for a 100k a year lifestyle goes. Yes, things can be cut but it really isn't a millionaire sort of lifestyle any more but it is an earnings bracket where it is reasonable to expect a decent holiday and a nice home because generally when people earn that sort of money they work very very hard for it and are entitled to some comfort and reward for it.

Doesn't stop him being an arse OP.

We live in the South East, and our family income is WAY below £100k. You cut your coat according to your cloth. If we had that much money coming in I genuinely wouldn't know that to do with it all.

As someone who has a commute and busy job I can recommend fresh air and light exercise for stress ... like walking the fucking dog.

I dont know how I do it but somehow I have the energy to cook for the family and clean up after myself at the weekend. He sounds like a complete arse.

I don't think it's very relevant how much the DH earns - I get the sense he'd be acting this way even if he was a millionaire.

It seems very much the attitude of "I'm working 5 days a week long and hard and at the weekend I push myself by doing intensive physical exercise." conveniently forgetting that all of this is facilitated by OP playing her sterling supporting role in the background doing all childcare,working p/t etc. etc.

I'd be worried by the fact that all this has recently started,with no apparent reason, youngest DC is still in primary school so a more reasonable time to discuss this would seem to be when they move to secondary school and wraparound care is technically no longer required.

It does scream a bit like he's looking to blame you, and whilst it's very admirable that you don't check phones etc. personally I would. At the minute you're angsting over what seems like a reasonably fair split of responsibilities and wondering if you should change yourself, so if there is an external reason it would be good to know about it. Also if it's an emotional affair then it could be something that could be handled.

NB and this is just a nosey question because I don't have dogs and don't really get owning dogs. Are they yours more than his? It seems curious that you have two dogs that each require so much walking and I guess I might be a little grumpy if I had to spend an hour of my time walking a dog I hadn't wanted in the first place ( not that this excuses his arsey behaviour).

You had a decently-paid career before you gave it up to look after your family. Right up until the birth of your third child. Am I right about that or am I confusing you with another poster?

"I got a job 4 years ago and it lasted 7 weeks, I had to resign as I needed him to take time off to look after the children when one was ill and also to enable me to work late two nights.

As he earns 6 figures and I earned a fifth of that, he said that he couldn't risk his job for mine and I needed to stop."

So, you did try to work full-time not that long ago but made a second sacrifice for the sake of your family, because your husband demanded it. Just how much more is he expecting you to give up for the sake of his high-flying career? But to then turn it around and use it as a stick to beat you with later is the behaviour of an arsehole. He's unlikely to have such a high-flying well-paid career without your support and sacrifices. Have you told him this?

I have a feeling that his attacks on you are nothing to do with the hours you work or don't work, or the amount of money you earn. It's about something else completely but he's not prepared at the moment to be honest with you about what it really is. Even if it's clear in his mind right now but it's possible that it isn't, it's just a general undefinable low-level resentment.

Sounds like you need to sit down together and do the maths about going back to work - if he is as money focused as he sounds, he will grasp the problem very quickly.
Also sounds to me like he is not in a good place and he is taking it out on you. It is unlikely that you are the cause of his bad mood, just at the wrong end of it.
Can you get an evening with him alone to show him how concerned you are and try to find the root of his moods?
When my DH lost his mum and was made redundant, all his stress was focused on one problem that was actually trivial. Took me a while to help him realise that.

OP, your husband is being an arse and you're letting him get away with it. He sounds like the kind of guy who is used to being "the boss" and seems to be under the deluded impression that he's your boss. He's not and you need to push back very firmly on this and let him know, in no uncertain terms, that you're not his maid and to stop treating you like one. He is taking you for granted. You need to be as assertive with him in your resentment of his attitude as he is in his lack of respect for you. Stand up to him, he's not expecting you to retaliate. Surprise him and don't lose confidence in yourself and what you're doing.

PS - don't assume it is an affair. He could be stressed with work and just not coping very well.

middle the "stressed with work" thing just doesn't stack up to me. The OP has spread said that he's happy in work (though knackered, probably). He earns a decent whack too, and the commute isn't that long, either. I used to do a 3 hour commute on top of long hours in a stressful job. It's not as if much is being asked of him at home.

I think there's more to this....