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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dh feels I'm not pulling my weight... is he bu?

158 replies

brownpaperbag2 · 03/05/2015 18:21

DH has a high powered stressful job and commutes for about 1 hour 15 mins each way into the City every day. He catches the train just gone 6am and comes home about 7.30pm. He is feeling really pissed off with family life at the moment and is getting very grumpy and picking lots of fights with me. I can't seem to do anything right but I also can't really see what I am doing wrong either.

I iron his shirt each day, drive him to the station and pick him up again. I work 3 hours a day, term time only, in a school - low wage. We have 3 children (8, 10 and 12) and have 2 dogs. I try to keep the house clean and tidy and have a home cooked meal each evening. However, with 3 children and 2 dogs it is an uphill never-ending battle to ensure the house is show home perfect for when he comes home.

My eldest child is hitting puberty and the rows at home are just terrible. They are so wearing and it is getting everyone down.

I used to have a career job but have not worked in it for 9 years so if I went back to full time working I would earn barely enough to cover childcare and my commuting costs - in fact I would likely be out of pocket.

The cost of running a family home, 2 cars, 3 children is a lot. Each of my children have grown out of their clothes and need new ones, and shoes.

The constant spending is really upsetting my husband and he says I am not pulling my weight for the amount of money he is bringing in and I am spending.

I just don't know if he is being reasonable or not. Life for me isn't all roses. Of course it could be a lot worse and I have it far easier than many. But dealing with a hormonal boy and keeping on top of everything is not easy either.

In terms of my career, I 'fell on my sword' for the family. We couldn't both have career jobs as it was constant battles over who was going to take the time off when a child was ill or needed someone there at school etc. I gave up my career after maternity leave with our 3rd child. I have supported the family in order for him to focus on his career and not worry about things that happen in the family. However, I don't actually enjoy being a stay at home mum. I enjoy getting away from drudgery and using my brain (I have a BA, diploma, Masters).

We are not unusual but I guess a very 1950s model family.

Life is getting him down, but I have no idea how to speak with him to show him that this is just reality of a family and actually I am doing my bit but just in a different way. He can't put a £ on my value to the family unit like he can with his wages.

It is really upsetting me.

OP posts:
Mrsbird311 · 03/05/2015 21:48

How bloody dare he, he's angry because you have a stress free day does he ? I'd pack my bags for a couple of weeks and see how he copes doing everything, I don't even pretend to do even 10% of what you do but my dh would never moan about me spending any amount of cash on anything let alone for clothes that your children need, you are a family, you can spend as much family money as you like on your kids how dare he make you feel guilty when you gave up your career so that he could further his, I hate men like that

rootypig · 03/05/2015 21:56

He is either BU or this is about something else altogether.

I think it's hard when middle age and teenagers collide. Both are thinking, "what's the point of it all?" but for different reasons. He sounds jaded.

Fabulassie · 03/05/2015 21:57

The thought of him having an affair crossed my mind, too. If you don't want to go snooping and digging to find out, I can actually admire that.

However, I suggest you think in terms of your own financial independence. I'd think of a full-time job as a necessity and then let the chips fall where they may in terms of who will pay for child care and so forth.

colafrosties · 03/05/2015 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Finola1step · 03/05/2015 22:08

Six figures! He earns six figures and it really doesn't occur to him that the reason he earns six figures is because of what you do at home (so that he can concentrate on his career).

So he is one of the following:

  1. Dense
  2. Emotionally underdeveloped
  3. A misogynist
  4. Living in cloud cuckoo land
  5. In massive debt
  6. Looking for a way out of the marriage
SweetAndFullOfGrace · 03/05/2015 22:21

Hmm. I have a high stress high income job. I commute each day for about 1.5 hours in each direction. DH is a SAHD who works part time (very part time, very flexible). There is no way I could do what I do and have the career I have without DH doing what he does (including being single, he's my rock). Your DH may be very stressed about money (reading between the lines) but that's no excuse for taking it out on you.

Starlightbright1 · 03/05/2015 22:30

I think it sounds awful.. Sounds like you need to be at home. I wouldn't be giving up a term time only job at this time.. You won't easily get one back..

Is this normal behaviour or has it changed?

Do you ever go out as a family ? It sounds pretty dire.

What does he do when he was home.

Quitelikely · 03/05/2015 22:34

He doesn't know he's been born is all I can say.

Please provide him with a list of all your daily and weekly tasks.

Tell him the children do not raise themselves and the house does not run on its own.

Remind him you gave up your career to raise the children who shockingly belong to both of you.

Tell him his resentment of you spending his wages on the children is starting to upset you enormously and you need him to realise the huge role you play in everyone's life.

AlternativeTentacles · 03/05/2015 22:37

If he earns six figures the maintenance should see you are ok financially.

3littlefrogs · 03/05/2015 22:38

Apologies for not having time to read all the thread, but having got about halfway, what jumps out at me is that your DH has opted out of parenting/being a father.

your DH is treating his family as inferior beings who are undeserving of his time or respect.

My feeling is that this must be a huge factor in your son's problematic behaviour.

Iflyaway · 03/05/2015 22:39

Book a last minute away for a week.

See how he feels then when you come back, keeping the home fires burning....

antimatter · 03/05/2015 22:39

I wonder if your DH spends any one to one time with each of his children. IMHO he resents them Sad

Alanna1 · 03/05/2015 22:40

I've not read all your thread. But could you go back to your old work - in a higher paid job I mean? Now that the kids are older?

Viviennemary · 03/05/2015 22:41

Your family life is just too unbalanced. He is working long long hours and out of the home. I think he should reduce his hours at work. he has no life. And that's why he's stressed. It really isn't a very fair set up. Not saying it's your fault. But there it is.

Madsometimes · 03/05/2015 22:42

Do you have very high outgoings, such as a massive mortgage or school fees? Because I can't see how someone on a six figure salary would be stressing about replacing children's shoes.

I can understand why your dh is feeling stressed at work. Work can be lousy and stressful and coming home to a family that is arguing isn't nice. However, he does need to realise the sacrifices you have made to enable him to earn this amount. My dh does understand this, but mainly because I was sick a few years ago and he had to completely take over the running of the house for a month. It was a real eye opener for him.

Topseyt · 03/05/2015 22:43

So, he thinks that working part time, looking after three children and keeping the house to show home standard is stress free and a doddle, does he?

He also doesn't appreciate that children actually grow , and that money is then needed for new clothes and shoes.

Does he think you are at home all day drinking tea and with your feet up?

When I was an SAHM (also due to childcare costs) I did get some similar criticism from my husband. He seemed to think that he was the only one making financial sacrifices for the children and would conveniently forget that I had actually had to give up my whole career for them and most of my financial independence until I rubbed his nose in that.

I think that as well as considering all options, you should really call him on it. No reasoned discussion. It isn't registering with him. Get angry, very angry. If he isn't used to seeing you anything other than reasoned and calm then it may just bring him up short. You can hope, anyway.

You cannot go on with him disrespecting you, demeaning what you do and sneering.

Iflyaway · 03/05/2015 22:44

P.S. I met a woman who did this, while on my travels.

She did an annual trip for two weeks by herself. Her husband and kids more than appreciated that she had the right to do it and what she did at home and work for 50 weeks of the year she told me.

More women need to take this "right" for themselves if you ask me.

we are too martyrish

Canyouforgiveher · 03/05/2015 22:51

Every day I walk our dogs for at least an hour. This weekend I have done it again. However, he wanted a roast dinner so I stayed in and cooked a roast today. DS1 walked 1 dog but not 2 as they are too strong for him. After cooking and then cleaning up the kitchen, DH very pointedly told me that I hadn't walked the 2nd dog. I asked if he would do it as I was now going to do the washing and sorting out the clothes. He was so pissed off. He is out of the house now, but I am not looking forward to him coming back.

This and your comment that he loves his job but resents that you are not as stressed as he is are both awful.

My dh earns 10 times what I earn. We started out earning the same. I stepped back (but still work) so our children could have the upbringing we wanted for them. He appreciates every single thing I do for them. Just as I appreciate how well he provides financially and otherwise for the children- and while also recognising that he gets a great deal of outside applause, thanks, professional recognition and credit for doing this job (that he loves) while I don't get that for making sure 3 teenagers get to all their dental/orthodontist/medical/therapy/sports/friends activities and making a home for them which includes all admin and housework mostly done so we can all sit down for a meal.

My husband thinks I have the harder role.

Your husband sounds resentful and as if he doesn't like you very much. WW3 would have broken out in my house if my dh told me to walk a dog after I cooked him dinner. Or actually I'd have just laughed as I'd have presumed he was joking.

What you do is valuable - and doesn't make you your husband's employee. you are a partnership. honestly I think there is something more going on ... someone telling him that you have the easy life maybe.

Canyouforgiveher · 03/05/2015 22:55

*your DH is treating his family as inferior beings who are undeserving of his time or respect.

My feeling is that this must be a huge factor in your son's problematic behaviour.*

I agree with this. A strong involved father/father figure is critical to young male teens- your dh should be spending more time with your son and should also be with you in trying to figure out ways to help him and help you.

CrispyFern · 03/05/2015 23:05

Why should the OP go to work full time, if it will make life harder for the whole family, to try to please this dick who is actually never satisfied - and isn't willing to make any changes to his life while hers changes?

With three kids, one with LD, two dogs, driving him here and there, housework, and part time work, the OP's time sounds pretty full to me.

He just sounds like he wants to pick at you OP, wear you down, and upset you, he doesn't actually want you to work.
With his attitude no wonder you are finding it hard to cope with your son. You must be miserable!

Yes he has responsibility at work but I imagine he also gets more intellectual rewards, and pride, kudos, respect etc by doing his job than the OP does from picking up socks and washing pans every day.

That might not completely read right, I've been on the wine!
But basically I think he's being an arse OP.
Tell him to shut his cakehole.

BeaufortBelle · 03/05/2015 23:10

I was just about to write a very similar post to canyouforgiveher. We have the same balance of finances although we both work full time. My DH is out from 7am often until nearly 10pm. Admittedly the house is pretty perfect (we have older children) but because I work full time most of it is sub-contracted.

I have spent 25 years supporting my husband, making sure he doesn't have to worry about a thing at home, doing all the school stuff and medical stuff, and birthdays and Christmas, holidays, etc., so he can do what he loves for a living even though it is at times spectacularly stressful. Actually he does get a roast every Sunday. But you know what, if he didn't, he wouldn't mind and he is bloody grateful and appreciates everything I have done. I have been happy to do it because he treats me like an equal.

Having said all that I have never worked so hard as when I worked part-time. I found that awful - pulled in two and never feeling anything was done properly.

If your DH more stressed at work than he's letting on? How long have you been uhappy for? Are finances hugely stretched (I can see how in the South East £100k doesn't go that far)? Mid Life crisis? Do you need some more help vis a vis parenting a teenager with special needs because it just is harder than expected? Is your son finding the transition to secondary particularly hard and is there stuff going on at school that he's not telling you about.

Personally, I think you should try to increase your hours at work to give yourself a bit more financial independence.

Canyouforgiveher · 03/05/2015 23:18

Personally, I think you should try to increase your hours at work to give yourself a bit more financial independence.

Agree with this (and the rest of Beaufort belle's post). Not because it will be better for you family if you work full time but because if I were you I would have lost a bit of trust in my dh and would be setting up so you have financial independence.

And child care expenses shouldn't come out of your salary - they should come out of both. Maybe it would be well worth your while working if your dh has to pay for at least half of childcare/dog care/roast dinners/cleaning out of his salary too.

DontBeAMeanie · 03/05/2015 23:20

I actually feel sorry for all of you. I think it must be very difficult for you but I can also see that it's difficult for your DH

Please don't flame me for this question or I'll have to name change but do you think you and your DH are in competition for who has it worse? I can see why you feel under-appreciated but do you think he feels under-appreciated too and that's why he starts moaning at you.

I'm NOT saying it's acceptable but I can picture it.

sanfairyanne · 03/05/2015 23:41

sorry i missed that you also work!! poor you. your dh sounds really resentful and dragging you down Sad

have you ever imagined life without him? does it sound better or worse?

Kiwiinkits · 04/05/2015 00:12

Commuting for 2.5 hours every day would be draining and completely soul destroying. I would be absolutely exhausted if I had to do that amount of time out of the home. My sympathies lie somewhat with him. I don't think he's being reasonable, with respect to what you do in the home, but I also think possibly his reactions are borne from exhaustion and stress.
He should consider a different job, closer to home. It would make such a difference to the happiness of your entire family.