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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to scream in the face of those who say "he/she had a MELTDOWN"

345 replies

Skeeter3 · 01/05/2015 13:19

Just no, ok!?

The frequent current misconception that even a big tantrum is in any way comparable to an actual meltdown REALLY boils my piss!!!!!

Yes tantrums can be unpleasant and distressing for all parties BUT they're still not meltdowns.

It demeans those that are dealing with medically defined meltdowns.

The more the word is used to describe a normal childhood tantrum, the less people understand or are tolerant when a child does suffer a meltdown.

If you're guilty of this JUST STOP DOING IT!!!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
PannaDoll · 01/05/2015 13:50

... or a kid that's just really pissed off.

That definitely describes my two year old when she's in meltdown.

Quitelikely · 01/05/2015 13:51

Skeeter I'm sorry to hear that Flowers

My ds has similar problems (2.1yrs) but I have no help yet.

He will use his head during tantrums and did indeed cut it two weeks ago when he slid out of his car seat onto the floor. He kicks off every time I put him in it and he is so strong, unfortunately on this occasion I lost my grip.

Does your dd have a diagnosis

CrohnicallyInflexible · 01/05/2015 13:51

PS, you could always try saying 'autistic meltdown' if you want to differentiate between your DD's extreme meltdowns and other uses of the word.

Triliteral · 01/05/2015 13:51

Depressed actually means sad or gloomy. Lots of people feel depressed without ever entering clinical depression. That's another word where a word already in general use has come to be used by medical professionals to describe something clinically abnormal. It isn't incorrect to use it to mean sad.

Charlotte3333 · 01/05/2015 13:52

YABU I think. I have a 9 year old with Aspergers, so have seen firsthand honest-to-god meltdowns, witnessed the distress and despair he goes through. DS2 is 4 and going through some kind of bonkers delayed terrible twos complete with batshit tantrums. Others refer to them as meltdowns sometimes. It's a word. It doesn't demean for a second the awfulness of DS1's experiences, nor does it devalue how hard we all have to work to pull together after one to get things back on an even keel. It's simply a word.

Dawn I think the huge difference is that spaz is an insult, and an awful one at that. Meltdown is attempting to describe a form of behaviour, spaz is describing a person in a derogatory way.

SaucyJack · 01/05/2015 13:52

I've hospitalised myself as a result of BPD, but does that mean it's only a tantrum cos I don't have ASD?

shewept · 01/05/2015 13:52

Op but spaz is dereived from a medical term which was used as an insult. I am not aware of anyone using 'spaz' as a medical term.

PandasRock · 01/05/2015 13:52

OP, YANBU. It is difficult enough dealing with my dc's' meltdowns, without the general public likening them tk toddler tantrums.

I have a 10 year old with severe ASD. I cannot contain her when she is in meltdown. If she has a meltdown when we are in the car, it is dangerous - kicks to the head while you are driving tend to be a bit distracting.

I have an 8 year old with AS. her emotional meltdowns are serious, and she ends up telling me she wants to die, or that she cannot u dear stand why she is not as good as her friends (not behaviourally good, just general self loathing - she does not feel as though she belongs or deserves friends)

I also have a 2 year old. He has tantrums. And while they are difficult, infuriating, embarrassing at times and totally illogical, they are nothing compared with what his sister's go through.

And, of course, he will grow out of them. Which is unlikely to happen with my older two.

Quitelikely · 01/05/2015 13:52

To those on here with a child who has a medical condition how do their meltdowns differ from a child who doesn't (if you don't mind me asking)

piedpiper4 · 01/05/2015 13:52

I think what the op is trying to say is that when a child has a meltdown they are in a fight or flight state, which is very different to when a child is having a tantrum. They are very different physiological reactions, and come from different parts of the brain. They are very different things. Yes, nt children can have meltdowns, but this would be very rare as their responses to getting upset would not usually be fight or flight. They are perhaps angry, confused etc, but not literally fighting for their lives. This produces very different reactions which are very hard to understand unless you witness the difference. I have a child who has regular meltdowns. Whilst I don't share the op's distress at the use of the word meltdowns, I can share her frustration. Having a child have a tantrum, no matter how bad, is no where near to witnessing a child have a meltdown. Especially as you know you can't help them, you can only make sure they're safe and wait for the storm to pass.

Original poster
Skeeter3 · 01/05/2015 13:53

Panna kindly don't refer to my lo as "your ASD kid" it's really not very nice, particularly as you don't know anything about my child's diagnosis.

OP posts:
Buttermilly · 01/05/2015 13:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Methe · 01/05/2015 13:55

Yes well that might well be what she thinks, it might well even be true.

It doesn't change the fact that she has no business telling other people what they can and can't say.

OneTwoManyLots · 01/05/2015 13:55

Meltdown is just a good descriptive word to describe the out of control, unreachable tantrums any child can suffer. It's such a good word that covers a particular sort of behaviour that doctors have adopted it as shorthand.

Its fine for everyone to use.

badtime · 01/05/2015 13:55

As far as I am aware, the only technical definition of meltdown is in relation to nuclear reactions.

The use of 'meltdown' to refer to behaviour is non-technical. It did not start off being used narrowly to refer to what you call 'medically defined meltdowns' and then spread out into incorrect general usage (unlike 'OMG I'm so OCD about that!' or 'I feel sooooooo bipolar today!' Hmm ). It started of as a general (metaphorical) word used for behaviour that seems out of control, and has become used by some to refer to patterns of behaviour characteristic of certain medical conditions.

However, the fact that some people use it to refer to a specific pattern of behaviour does not mean that people who use it differently are wrong.

So YABU.

PannaDoll · 01/05/2015 13:57

Anything else I'm not allowed to say? I'm compiling a list now...

MyIronLung · 01/05/2015 13:58

It's all just shades of grey. Your kids meltdowns may be worse than my kids meltdowns,but equally, someone else's kids meltdowns may be worse than your kids. Would that then mean you can't use the word for fear of offending the other person?

that sounded a lot clearer in my head Grin

GoGiYerHeedAWobble · 01/05/2015 13:58

When my dd was diagnosed with adhd I felt so out of control of the situation, so pissed off that there was no real, tangible thing to blame and vent my frustrations on. I also picked on tiny things people said and did to vent about because it helped me feel like I was doing something and had some sort of control of some aspect of the the situation.

I don't agree with you op, but I do get why you are picking on the use of this word.

TheBoov · 01/05/2015 13:59

I agree with Tizwailor.

I have a son with autism and he does have meltdowns. I would never call his meltdowns a tantrum. He has never been hospitalised due to a meltdown but they are still autistic meltdowns.

But anyone can have a meltdown. We know that all the traits on the autistic spectrum are found in the population at large. Surely having a meltdown is one of them?

My other child is not autistic and he no longer has tantrums. But some of them were way beyond the normal tantrum, and he was out of control and unable to help himself. The difference is the whole package, not the individual meltdown.

In summary YABU.

HowYaLikeThemApples · 01/05/2015 14:00

YABU.

Boysclothes · 01/05/2015 14:03

Piedpiper, what you've written is very evocative but you've started with the basic premise that "this a meltdown" and then gone out to define it. No. That's not how a meltdown is defined as a word. You've summed it up as a concept when related to (mainly) autism but someone who uses it as word to simply mean a loss of emotional self control is just as correct.

Preminstreltension · 01/05/2015 14:05

Clearly it's been borrowed from another source - nuclear reactors actually do melt in meltdown so it's probably from there and has been borrowed to mean general uncontrolled explosion.

It's not the same as people who describe any sort of headache as a migraine or any sort of sore throat as tonsillitis.

You are misdirecting your anger.

IKnowIAmButWhatAreYou · 01/05/2015 14:06

So OP, given that people have pointed out that "meltdown" was used to indicate a tantrum etc. long before it was nicked & used as a faux medical term, have you changed your mind or are you still BU about it?

Original poster
Skeeter3 · 01/05/2015 14:06

I'm not saying only people with SN have meltdowns, I'm saying that the 15 minute screaming of NOOO!!!! The kicking and screaming on the floor over having to leave somewhere/being told no/not getting the red skittle/not winning the game etc, etc are not meltdowns and that it frustrates me no end when that's what folk call them.

I know the word tantrum has taken on a malevolent meaning so parents want to use a different words so there child isn't thought of as a 'brat', but I think there does have to be distinctions made, obviously that is at the discretion of the parent but common sense should dictate that tantruming over not getting an ice cream really isn't the same as an all out loss of any sense of self and situation?

OP posts:
HeffaLumpers · 01/05/2015 14:08

I don't think meltdown is a term that should only be used to describe the behaviours of someone with asd but I don't think it should be used interchangeably with tantrum to describe normal toddler behaviour because they are different. I have a toddler who has both. The HV witnessed her having a meltdown and agreed that she wasn't having a tantrum (she screamed uncontrollably for over an hour, ripped her tights off because she got stressed out by the door being closed and can't bring her self out of it. You can see the fear and the pain in her face. It is horrible to see. However, as far as everyone can tell she doesn't have autism. Because the word meltdown is used by some people to describe very normal toddler tantrums it makes it difficult trying to explain that that isn't what she is doing and no distracting her with chocolate buttons or putting her in time out is not going to help.