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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to scream in the face of those who say "he/she had a MELTDOWN"

345 replies

Skeeter3 · 01/05/2015 13:19

Just no, ok!?

The frequent current misconception that even a big tantrum is in any way comparable to an actual meltdown REALLY boils my piss!!!!!

Yes tantrums can be unpleasant and distressing for all parties BUT they're still not meltdowns.

It demeans those that are dealing with medically defined meltdowns.

The more the word is used to describe a normal childhood tantrum, the less people understand or are tolerant when a child does suffer a meltdown.

If you're guilty of this JUST STOP DOING IT!!!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
BuriedSardine · 01/05/2015 14:54

Oysters?! Posters...

PannaDoll · 01/05/2015 14:54

Excellent result. Much more silent seething and much less face shouting should see you right.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 01/05/2015 14:55

Well your tone probably set the scene for the responses you've had. Many of the posters here have children and we've all been through stressful and upsetting times. I generally think that I'm supportive of that being a mum myself. What gets my hackles up is dictatorial, dismissive and bossy instructions to others about what words can and can't be used.

You can throw your toys out of the pram and not post on AIBU again or you can change the way you post - or take it on the chin if you're aggressive and people call you on it. I don't think compounding it by talking about morals and manners given your own posts is productive.

Original poster
Skeeter3 · 01/05/2015 14:56

I learned something mind blowing and life changing about 3 years ago, I'm not always right, infact sometimes I'm actually wrong.

OP posts:
PlumpingThePartTimeMother · 01/05/2015 14:57

I'm not sure either of my NT children has ever displayed a consistent sense of self and situation. I certainly don't Confused

OP I think that you are focusing your frustration away from its main cause - first on word use and now on the perceived rudeness of other posters. It's understandable but you might do well to back away from the thread if it's making you angrier. Take it from someone who is very good at finding other things to be angry about, seriously.

Your situation with your DD sounds hard. Have you got any RL support?

MNpostingbot · 01/05/2015 14:58

Skeeter, I suggest you leave this website and take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror.

Starting an AIBU thread, being told you are BU and accepting it with good grace and a smile is not good form.

Next time throw a strop and declare you are leaving the thread and we are all wrong.

OfaFrenchMind · 01/05/2015 14:59

Get off your high horse. Your situation is very difficult, we can appreciate that, but we do not have to bear the weight of it.

On the other hand, you are allowed to have your peeves. And discuss about it, because that's what this part of MN is about. Just stop telling people what they should say or not.

Shakirasma · 01/05/2015 14:59

I think you are getting an uncessesarily hard time OP.

Whilst people are free to disagree and explain why they disagree, some of the comments on here are incredibly spiteful to a mum who is trying to cope with a child with additional needs.

As a parent of a child with ASD, and a governor at his special school I completely understand the point you are trying to make OP. A meltdown, as we understand it, it very different to any sort of normal childhood tantrum.

Whilst I don't necessarily agree what it's an issue worth getting frustrated about, I do understand.

RufusTheReindeer · 01/05/2015 15:00

skeeter

For what's it's worth I don't think you have been ranting and raving, you've seemed very measured in your responses

Yabu as I would agree with others who have said that the word was in general usage first

DazzleU · 01/05/2015 15:01

•Tantrums happen when a child is trying to get something he wants or needs.
•Meltdowns occur when a child feels overwhelmed by his feelings or surroundings.

If we are using these definition from above link - then I should use the word meltdown a lot more than I do.

There is no diagnosis of autism or adhd in our family - I would, say as do others, two of them are hyper sensitive to sound and suspect dyspraxia and dyslexic which there is in our family though again no formal diagnosis yet in my DC.

I personally get overwhelmed in noisy crowded situations - I don't scream for hours though can get very snappy trying to get out of situations - as the DC get older I think they manage to cope better but still we've had many situations when they are just overwhelmed by outside stimuli.

This is especially true of eldest and you we could do nothing but get them somewhere quiet and let them calm down which could take hours - hovering or cuddling as one relative always tried to insisted of doing prolonged situation if done before self calming. As she gotten older these have gotten less frequent - and she takes less time to self calm.

I've never had to go to A& E because of these melt downs - though bruises have happened and finding quiet safe locations especially with other DC wasn't always easy.

I would assume autistic meltdown would be more extreme and possibly more frequent than what we experienced.

YABU - as when I use that term I do mean extreme behaviour and not triggered by defiance or wanting stuff.

Tizwailor · 01/05/2015 15:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DazzleU · 01/05/2015 15:05

Well I shall have to concede that I am in fact BU

X-posts - I do get how people minimising what you experience would be extremely annoying though.

Original poster
Skeeter3 · 01/05/2015 15:07

How very dare any of you tell me ibu on the aibu board of all places, my bosom is hoiked and IM LEEEEEAVING, HARRRRUMPH!!!!!!!!!!

(Better, right?)

OP posts:
FenellaFellorick · 01/05/2015 15:10

perfect.

SaucyJack · 01/05/2015 15:10

Shall we all shake hands and call it a day?

Whatever happened to Skeet Ulrich? He was delicious.

WeirdCatLady · 01/05/2015 15:15

Times like this, MN really needs a Like button.

Well played OP Wine

Rjae · 01/05/2015 15:15

I don't think any parent calls a 2 minute whinge a meltdown. 20 minutes of screaming and kicking and crying I would say qualifies, whether from an autistic or a NT child.

So you ABU to take ownership of a word that is so widely used and descriptive of many things.

LikeABadSethRogenMovie · 01/05/2015 15:17

MNpostingbot Grin

I would agree with a pp. having read the link with the definition, I can honestly say that at least 2 of my NT kids had full meltdowns where they neither cared if I was watching or whether they hurt themselves. They had lost full control. I always described those 'special moments' as a meltdown. One of them is 18 so it's not a new thing!

shewept · 01/05/2015 15:18

OP don't forget to clutch your pearls on the way out. [Wink]

RufusTheReindeer · 01/05/2015 15:20

saucy

I saw him on an episode of Law and order SVU the other day

It took me ages to place him because he so much older..as am I Grin

shewept · 01/05/2015 15:20

Oh emoji fail try a again Wink

MurielWoods · 01/05/2015 15:24

Hi OP, you seem a bit stressed Flowers

To me, the word 'tantrum' conjures up images of a child willfully trying to get his/her own way by screaming/shouting (being a brat if you like).

A meltdown however would describe a child's natural reaction to frustration or fear, an whole raft of emotions that overwhelms them and not necessarily something they could control.

If I saw a child having a tantrum, I would hope that they would be pretty-much ignored and not given into. I would hope to see a child that is having a 'meltdown' however given a hug, perhaps taken somewhere quieter and given reassurance, time to process things.

I think that the word 'meltdown' is generally more kindly meant.

yetanotherchangename · 01/05/2015 15:27

3 NT kids. One had proper meltdowns on a fairly regular basis when younger. One couldn't control his despair over some issues and would howl for up to an hour. One has tantrums when she doesn't get what she wants.

I understand what you are saying OP and I understand your definition of meltdown and the semi-medical appropriation of the word to describe something that isn't a tantrum.

But children who haven't been diagnosed with SN can have meltdowns too.

PlumpingThePartTimeMother · 01/05/2015 15:27

I don't think any parent calls a 2 minute whinge a meltdown.

I don't know, I've got one friend who persists in using this word every time her DS has a minor grump. I suspect that he'd have a hell of a lot less grumps if she stopped overindulging them when they happen, but that's a different thread.....

All joking aside, a meltdown for my kids is when they are actually inconsolable and need to be taken to a quiet place and rocked/not touched until they have calmed down. A tantrum = anything else!

lambsie · 01/05/2015 15:30

Ds who has autism has meltdowns that last only 10 minutes over things like a wall being too bright. He is instantly screaming, hurting himself and throwing himself about. If he is removed from the stimulus then he is calm in minutes. I've never known him have one that lasted hours although he sometimes has a short one every few hours.