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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to say no

129 replies

findingithardtoday · 01/05/2015 10:10

How many of you say no to sex from your partners? As the one with the low libido, it's always him that instigates it, which he resents. So, if I'm not in the mood, I'll say 'no thanks but I'll do xyz instead'. I get guilt trips, cold shoulders, snide comments, huffing until I end up giving in because I feel like an awful partner. I'll often not bother arguing and will just go ahead to avoid arguments but then I feel angry because if I want to say no, it shouldn't be an issue, unless I never say yes! It's always caused massive arguments, but they're getting worse. Currently, I'm told I'm 'cold and unloving and I don't care'

We probably have sex twice a week on average, with other favours thrown in. I work full time, plus another job. He works freelance but doesn't have any work on currently.

I'm at the point where I find the pressure and expectation to have sex is putting me off and I would happily embrace celibacy to avoid this guilt and feeling inadequate. The atmosphere is awful at the minute and I really don't want to go home following an argument last night

OP posts:
Vladimar · 01/05/2015 10:14

I feel for you. I'm single now after having been in a relationship with similar pressures. It wasn't the reason we split but being able to relax and not feeling some sort of tally is being kept is a reason I want to stay single.

No idea what you can do except say no. Put your feelings before his and don't feel guilty. It's a horrible feeling and it's not fair as twice a week when you're knackered is pretty good going tbh!!

SaucyJack · 01/05/2015 10:15

LTB. Life is too short to live with a rapey arsehole.

Vivacia · 01/05/2015 10:15

Oh dear. I think you're in for a bit of a difficult thread OP.

Everyone reading this is going to be shocked at what you describe. They're going to feel really sad for you, that you think even half of this is normal and something you should accept. They're going to see your DP for exactly what he is, and name it.

You're more than likely going to be very surprised at the strength of feeling. Brace yourself.

cailindana · 01/05/2015 10:17

You do realise that if someone coerces you into sex that is rape? Why would your partner want to have sex with you knowing that you don't want it? Why on earth would you ever want to have sex with someone who is ok with raping you?

You need to get away from this bastard, fast. If you don't want to go home, don't. Get someone else to pick up a bag for you.

Vivacia · 01/05/2015 10:18

No idea what you can do except say no.

Say, "No you rapey bastard, and you can think again if you think it means I'm going to give you a blow job. Take your coercion and fuck right off"?

cailindana · 01/05/2015 10:18

You don't say anything to your rapist, you just the fuck away from him, fast.

TwoOddSocks · 01/05/2015 10:19

I think it'd be very unusual for a partner to never say no for sex and your DP sounds like a dick in the way he reacts to a no. He doesn't have a right to have sex whenever he feels like it.

I go through months where I'm stressed and not really up for it but know that if I make the effort I'll have fun. Those times I sometimes say even when I'd rather be messing around on mumsnet. For my DH sex is an important way to express love and though he won't act like a asshole about it if we go a long time without he'll feel rejected and unloved. It also helps if I try to initiate so it happens when I want to not because I feel under pressure.

cailindana · 01/05/2015 10:21

sorry that should say "you just get the fuck away from him"

Elllimam · 01/05/2015 10:22

You don't have to do this. Sit him down and tell him how this is making you feel, that it's putting you off sex altogether. If he still keeps trying to coerce you then he has no respect for you whatsoever.

Vivacia · 01/05/2015 10:22

Yes, cailindana is right, don't engage with him. Just detach and protect yourself.

Original poster
findingithardtoday · 01/05/2015 10:22

Woah, ok I didn't say he was raping me!! I said I'm not in the mood so I'll go with the flow to see if I get in the mood. Which the pressure doesn't help with. I've never once thought I was being raped - I'd say that's kind of extreme. So none of you ever have sex with your partner when you're not feeling randy??

OP posts:
blushingbooty · 01/05/2015 10:23

Sex twice a week with other favors! Fucking hell, I have the high drive, DH the low one, much as rejection hurts sometime I would never ever guilt him or be passive aggressive about it. I guess if I did, maybe I would get it but I wouldn't want to be that shitty a person, like your partner.

If you've no marriage, kids or home together you own together then you can walk away so much easier, do it now if you have none of those before you end up with them and get more trapped. If you have any of them then consider that you can still get out and leave.

ImperialBlether · 01/05/2015 10:23

You have two jobs, he has none.

He nags you about sex.

He tells you you're cold and unloving.

He sulks until you give in.

You have sex twice a week and there are favours (let's guess - are these favours for him, rather than for you?)

Is that what you think a loving relationship should be like? Really? I know what I'd do - I'd move out and look for someone else. Life should be better than this. And you know what? I bet you'd find your libido was fine once this bloke is history.

Vivacia · 01/05/2015 10:24

OP I've never had sex when I didn't want to.

Apart from when I was raped obviously.

cailindana · 01/05/2015 10:25

"I get guilt trips, cold shoulders, snide comments, huffing until I end up giving in because I feel like an awful partner"

"Giving in" means having sex you don't want. You're having sex you don't want because your partner is using emotional tactics to guilt you into it. He is clear that you don't want sex, and yet he goes ahead and has it with you anyway because he doesn't care that you don't want it.

I have sex when I want it. Because it is entirely optional and because my DH would never have sex with a woman who didn't want it. Because he is not a rapist.

blushingbooty · 01/05/2015 10:26

OP I've had sex with former partners when not completely up for it at first, but only on the very odd occasion not with a regularity that would make me feel as you do. And when I have had sex like that, I've always enjoyed it in the end because they've worked bloody hard to make me so.

SaucyJack · 01/05/2015 10:27

Having sex with someone because you're scared of the consequences of saying no is rape.

It's not all strangers down dark alleys.

This is the man who's supposed to love and protect you above all others, and he's systematically abusing you in your own home instead.

It really isn't what happens in normal houses on a Friday night.

cailindana · 01/05/2015 10:28

To be clear as far as I'm concerned there's nothing at all wrong with one partner initiating sex, the other partner being a bit "meh" but going along with it anyway because they think "why not" and because they know they'll enjoy it in the end. What is not ok is one partner clearly not being up for sex and the other partner basically wearing them down and treating them like shit until they are coerced into letting their body be used.

Vivacia · 01/05/2015 10:28

So none of you ever have sex with your partner when you're not feeling randy??

No. But if I knew he was going to call me names, withdraw affection and pressure me anyway, and I didn't know any better I well might.

cailindana · 01/05/2015 10:30

Why have sex you don't want? What's the point? Why would anyone want sex with someone who clearly doesn't want it?

Differences in sex drives are a huge issues in a lot of relationships. But the solution isn't for one partner to harass the other into lying down and taking it.

Original poster
findingithardtoday · 01/05/2015 10:30

Not on board with the whole rape thing, sorry. He's not holding me down, I'm not sobbing, I'm just sometimes doing it when I'm frankly not in the mood and would rather be drinking tea or sleeping.

TwoOdd - that's what happens with OH. He feels rejected and unloved and I feel bad for that. Sex to him is a massive part of a relationship, but less important for me.

He regularly offers me favours but I'm not really into it - like I said, low libido.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 01/05/2015 10:35

Not on board with the whole rape thing, sorry. He's not holding me down, I'm not sobbing

[www.mumsnet.com/campaigns/we-believe-you-campaign-rape-myths-busted]

I'm just sometimes doing it when I'm frankly not in the mood and would rather be drinking tea or sleeping.

And because if you don't, he's going to call you names, withdraw affection and pressure you anyway until you do.

cailindana · 01/05/2015 10:36

He doesn't have to be holding you down, and you don't have to be sobbing. The fact is, he's having sex with you when he knows you don't want it. You are being pushed into having sex you don't want through manipulation.

I understand you not wanting to view it as rape. But at the very least it is nasty abusive behaviour on his part. He clearly doesn't care how you feel. So while you're giving into his manipulation in order to accommodate his needs for sex, he's ignoring your needs and feelings.

I don't blame you for not wanting to go home. You can end this relationship, whenever you want.

glittertits · 01/05/2015 10:36

So none of you ever have sex with your partner when you're not feeling randy??

No, I never have sex unless I want to. And DH would never try and persuade me to shag him. EVER.

TheFecklessFairy · 01/05/2015 10:37

OP there are ALWAYS the same people on here who cry rape at any given chance. Ignore them - they are clearly manhaters.

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