to say no

[findingithardtoday]

How many of you say no to sex from your partners? As the one with the low libido, it's always him that instigates it, which he resents. So, if I'm not in the mood, I'll say 'no thanks but I'll do xyz instead'. I get guilt trips, cold shoulders, snide comments, huffing until I end up giving in because I feel like an awful partner. I'll often not bother arguing and will just go ahead to avoid arguments but then I feel angry because if I want to say no, it shouldn't be an issue, unless I never say yes! It's always caused massive arguments, but they're getting worse. Currently, I'm told I'm 'cold and unloving and I don't care'

We probably have sex twice a week on average, with other favours thrown in. I work full time, plus another job. He works freelance but doesn't have any work on currently.

I'm at the point where I find the pressure and expectation to have sex is putting me off and I would happily embrace celibacy to avoid this guilt and feeling inadequate. The atmosphere is awful at the minute and I really don't want to go home following an argument last night

Theworld - mismatched sex drives is a genuine problem, yes I really feel for people who are frustrated by a lack of sex. I have nothing but sympathy for them. But it is absolutely not ok to ever guilt trip your partner into having sex they clearly don't want by using a cold shoulder and snide remarks.

Sex is entirely optional. If one person doesn't want sex, it doesn't happen. If the other person can't put up with that situation then they either need to leave and find someone else who wants as much sex as they do or they need to come to terms with having less sex than they want. The solution is absolutely not to coerce your partner into having sex they don't want. Ever.

Agreed Rider. Seducing and persuading someone involves being kind to them, getting them in the mood, kissing them in ways that they like and enjoy etc. That is totally normal and can be really lovely and lead to great sex, or not, if that's not what both partner want. Guilt tripping, snide remarks and cold shouldering are not "seducing and persuading" they are nasty and manipulative and the OP is giving in to sex that she doesn't want rather than deciding to have sex after all because she is now in the mood.

OrangeVase:

"I try to seduce and persuade"

Do you give him guilt trips? The cold shoulder? Make snide comments? Huff for several days until he gives in? Do you leave him in a position where he goes ahead and has sex even though he doesn't want to, purely because he's desperate to avoid an argument?

No? Your situation isn't really comparable to the OP's, then.

If I say no my dp will ask what is wrong in case there is anything he can do that will help put me in the mood. He will however respect that if I don't want it then I don't want it and that is fine. I'd walk out of he ever thought he had a right to sex regardless of my feelings on the matter.

OP I have sent you a PM.

It's so disappointing to see people turning the OP's thread into an opportunity to have a fight. She was asking for help.

I've asked for this to be deleted twice but it's still not gone so I might as well respond until it is.

The Black Rider - I do say no completely, and he doesn't always act like that. But when I say no consistently for a while (usually through tiredness or stress) it gets to the point where he gets understandably frustrated. So I feel obliged to do something, whether that's go along with it or give him a BJ. Something so I don't feel like I'm being unreasonable.

He often tries to get me in the mood, but if I don't respond with enthusiasm after a while he takes it that I don't fancy him or I have no real interest in our relationship. He tries with running a bath and massaging me etc to seduce, so although that's lovely, I then feel that there is an expected outcome on my part. And if there isn't he feels like there's not much point because nothing works. No one is beating me with a stick here!!

I used to think this was normal too. I had sex because the man I was with wanted it. I once told my current DP that I wasn't in the mood for sex, but I would if he really wanted me to. He was absolutely horrified at the suggestion and asked me to promise to never have sex with him unless I actually wanted to. I thought he was really sweet and kind and special. But now I can see that his opinion is the normal, non-rapey one and that my ex was abusive.

No isn't unreasonable, I'm fully aware of that. But in a relationship, there's obviously give and take. OH would ideally like sex a few times a week, but wants me to feel the same. But I don't. If we left it to me, we'd probably DTD once or twice a month. Is it reasonable for me to expect him to fall in line with that? Should I not make an effort and compromise with more than I would like, even if I don't want it myself. Still doesn't seem to help, because he wants me to want it, not just do it, so he's still not happy. More bloody pressure!

I wish I had any sort of advice but sadly it's my DP who has little to no interest in sex. He insists that it's not me, that he loves me, finds me attractive, etc but it has been a year now since we had any sort of a sex life.

I'm sorry that your partner is pushing you to have sex when you're not in the mood, it must be horrible. I stopped trying to initiate when my DP told me that I obviously couldn't read the signals and I was embarrassing both of us!

I say no all the time, dh often says no too. We're old so we tend to just ask outright rather than get to it via seduction. I can honestly say that if I'm not in the mood for actually having sex, there is 100% likelihood that I will not be in the mood for other sexual servicing, so that would be a no on that front as well. (I actually feel a bit upset thinking about women who somehow feel obliged to do so).
If it's been a while, either of us might be a little disappointed by the others rejection but we know it will happen eventually so there is no sulking. We both know that sulking is not a great turn on, so neither of us do it.

Yes, TheBlackRider, there is anxiety. Like I tried to say before, he can try the seduction techniques and being nice and caring (because ultimately he wants me to want it) but he gets frustrated if that doesn't pay dividends so I get the huffiness and 'why do I bother, you just don't fancy me'. Like this morning after he came to bed late on last night and woke me up for sex and I didn't respond accordingly.

"he wants me to want it, not just do it" - that's understandable (and kind of a minimum requirement for a sexual relationship), but you can't make someone want something. I assume you've told him that the constant pressure and sulking are putting you off sex completely. Does he actually take that in? Or does it all boil down to you being cold and unloving and his feelings of rejection?

x-post. No. Non. Nein. You can not wake people up for sex and then get angy when they turn you down. He is turning sex into a chore and an obligation and not only is that coercive and horrible, it is profoundly unsexy.

I used to have sex with my ex when I didn't want to. It was easier and quicker to DTD rather than to say no and put up with him sulking and whinging and complaining. Sometimes I enjoyed it, mostly I didn't.

Looking back I can see now that he was being abusive, but at the time I didn't recognise it as such.

I am now married and do have a lower sex drive than DH. He leaves it up to me to initiate things. He has never once sulked or whinged or complained, even when we have gone months without DTD (after the arrival of DS2). Because he is so loving and supportive, I am much more likely to make the effort, get in the mood (erotica helps here) and initiate sex. My needs are met 100% by our relationship and I want DH to be able to say the same.

OH would ideally like sex a few times a week, but wants me to feel the same. But I don't.

I wonder why!

In answer to your question, yes, absolutely it is reasonable to expect him to fall in line with what you want because he cannot expect to use your body as a sex toy. Sex should only be engaged in by partners who actually want it. It is not a duty, and it is not a right.

How about asking him to agree to 3 months with no sex or oral sex or whatever (masturbation still ok). This will solve both of your problems. You will be able to enjoy a massage or a cuddle knowing it won't go anywhere so you can relax. You see that he's not actually a rapey bastard and that his actions speak louder than words. He gets to support you in feeling more sexual and relaxed around him and learning more about what gives you pleasure.