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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to say no

129 replies

findingithardtoday · 01/05/2015 10:10

How many of you say no to sex from your partners? As the one with the low libido, it's always him that instigates it, which he resents. So, if I'm not in the mood, I'll say 'no thanks but I'll do xyz instead'. I get guilt trips, cold shoulders, snide comments, huffing until I end up giving in because I feel like an awful partner. I'll often not bother arguing and will just go ahead to avoid arguments but then I feel angry because if I want to say no, it shouldn't be an issue, unless I never say yes! It's always caused massive arguments, but they're getting worse. Currently, I'm told I'm 'cold and unloving and I don't care'

We probably have sex twice a week on average, with other favours thrown in. I work full time, plus another job. He works freelance but doesn't have any work on currently.

I'm at the point where I find the pressure and expectation to have sex is putting me off and I would happily embrace celibacy to avoid this guilt and feeling inadequate. The atmosphere is awful at the minute and I really don't want to go home following an argument last night

OP posts:
Vivacia · 01/05/2015 11:08

so maybe I am cold because I don't always offer affection, just in case. I just don't want to feel like I can't do right for doing wrong.

That is so, so sad. You're blaming yourself. I hope you continue to talk about this situation and heed your nagging thoughts that all is not quite right here.

Vivacia · 01/05/2015 11:09

so maybe I am cold because I don't always offer affection, just in case. I just don't want to feel like I can't do right for doing wrong.

That is so, so sad. You're blaming yourself. I hope you continue to talk about this situation and heed your nagging thoughts that all is not quite right here.

cailindana · 01/05/2015 11:09

Good luck finding, sorry the thread wasn't helpful. Do post again in the future, if you think it might help.

Vivacia · 01/05/2015 11:09

so maybe I am cold because I don't always offer affection, just in case. I just don't want to feel like I can't do right for doing wrong.

That is so, so sad. You're blaming yourself. I hope you continue to talk about this situation and heed your nagging thoughts that all is not quite right here.

TheFecklessFairy · 01/05/2015 11:10

How? Puntastic- please explain as OP doesn't see it that way.

Vivacia · 01/05/2015 11:11

Oo er.

TheFecklessFairy · 01/05/2015 11:13

Poor OP - she came for help and has been told her husband is a rapist. I am sure that has made her feel wonderful. Not.

cailindana · 01/05/2015 11:13

There is no point in carrying this on here. The OP wants the thread deleted and has been upset by the comments, so have a bit of consideration for her. Start another thread if you want Feckless.

SaucyJack · 01/05/2015 11:14

I wouldn't have found this thread helpful when I was living with a man who thought "no" meant "keep on at me until I said yes" either to be fair.

But trust me OP. This is not the normal, or a case of mismatched libidos. This is abuse.

There's a better world out there.

Original poster
findingithardtoday · 01/05/2015 11:15

Puntastic, I think there's blame on both sides. I've thought of leaving a few times (as has he) but not that easy with a young child and a mortgage. I would have to move back home 150 miles away, give up my job, move in with my parents. We've been together 9 years, I'd rather talk and make it work than jack it all in if possible. Unfortunately I don't think either of us will change.

OP posts:
TheFecklessFairy · 01/05/2015 11:15

No thanks cailindana. Nice of you to offer though.

TheBlackRider · 01/05/2015 11:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheBlackRider · 01/05/2015 11:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Koalafications · 01/05/2015 11:28

I'm really saddened by this thread.

OP, I think your husband has done such a number on you, that you are defending his behaviour. But it is quite common reaction for women who have been abused.

Ask yourself this, why would he want to have sex with you knowing that you haven't enthusiastically consented? Why would he get pleasure from sex where he knows that you haven't really wanted to have sex?

It sounds like your husband feels like he has autonomy over your body. Men being able to have sex with their wives regardless of if they want to or not has been illegal for quite a few years.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 01/05/2015 11:32

This really stuck me OP: "he wants more LOVING sex not with someone who goes through the motions, someone who isn't vanilla."

Regardless of what you mean by the last bit, has it occurred to him the reason why he's not "getting loving sex with someone who goes through the motions" is because he's keeps guilt tripping, cold shouldering, and making snide comments at his partner until she has sex with him? That kind of behaviour is hardly conducive to feeling loved, is it?

Theworldhasgonecrazy · 01/05/2015 11:32

This is a classic example of 2 totally different sex drives and will be played out in many many partnerships, marriages etc all over the country. If the thread was left the run there would be loads of posters agreeing with the same situation-although maybe they wouldn't dare for fear of their partners being accused of rape. My relationship is the same-after children and a chronic illness I could quite happily not have sex again-it's just not on my agenda. My DH feels differently-although he's not the teenager he once was he is still keen to have lots of sex. So when told I'm not interested he huffs and puffs, when a massage turns sexual and he is rebuffed-yes he is frustrated. But emotional blackmail, coercion, a rapist if I am convinced to go along with it-no, not at all. I know from speaking to other neighbours and friends that in the dull and boring world of normal marriage, this is occurs in house after house. Let's put it this way-if it wasn't so common place as people on this post seem to imply, then why have the big Pharm produced little pills for both men and women to help with the issue of low sex drive?!? If it wasn't so common place then why historically did husbands take a mistress once their wives had had children and everything tick along quite happily?!

OrangeVase · 01/05/2015 11:33

OP your DP is NOT a rapist because he has a higher libido. You have different levels of sex drive and it is a problem.
Any major differences in expectation need to be sorted out within a relationship - whether it is about sex or money or housework.

FFS he has not raped you and you will get nowhere if you listen to people who say he has because he is disappointed in the level of sex and tried to persuade you otherwise.
If the relationship is not good - work it out or separate.

Actually I am the one with the higher libido in my relationship - and I find it very difficult - and I AM NOT A RAPIST.
I would love more sex. I feel unloved when DH says goodbye with chaste kiss or a quick cuddle and turns over to go sleep.
I try to seduce and persuade - perhaps he feels guilty - it does not make me a rapey bitch.

I am sorry that this area of your relationship isn't right - it is hard for both parties and trying to sort it out is something you can do together, Good luck OP

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 01/05/2015 11:35

It's never unreasonable to say no to sex. I can't believe that anyone could ask that question.

Vivacia · 01/05/2015 11:36

Theworld mis-matched sex drives are probably very common. Coercion is not and should not be. Coercion is not a natural or normal response to someone not wanting sex with you.

TheBlackRider · 01/05/2015 11:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

coffeetasteslikeshit · 01/05/2015 11:40

YANBU to say no, of course not. As for him, it's one thing to try and seduce and persuade... to which you can still say no, but it's the sulking after that worries me. It's as though he thinks you owe him sex. Yuck.

Koalafications · 01/05/2015 11:40

My DH has a much higher sex drive than I do, he has never coerced me into having sex, guilted me into having sex, or tried to have sex with me unless it was completley clear that I am enthusiastically consenting.

NakedFamilyFightClub · 01/05/2015 11:43

To chime in OP, I've only once had sex without actually wanting to and it stopped once my BF realised what was happening. He didn't want to continue when I wasn't into it.
At the min DH and I are luckly if it's once a month, we have a toddler, we're tired and busy in work. At no point has DH ever made me feel bad for not being in the mood and vice versa.

Lesausage · 01/05/2015 11:43

I never have sex unless I want to, after 4 months of no sex DH has started asking but no is a no.

I have a very low libido and yes maybe I should try and get in the mood but I can't therefore there is no sex.

My thinking is he married me for me, not sex! We work fine without it and i see it as a bonus.

He is sexually harassing you, I've been raped and what your describing is a hair shy of Rape.

TragicallyUnbeyachted · 01/05/2015 11:44

OP, in spite of what you think (what you've been told?) is a "low" libido you are having sex twice a week, which is probably better than average for people with young children or average for people without. You have sex when you want to have sex.

But your husband thinks that you should have sex when you don't want to have sex. And if you don't have sex even though you don't want to he resorts to "guilt trips, cold shoulders, snide comments, huffing" until you give in. And you often have sex when you don't want to in order to avoid the consequences.

You are moderating your behaviour to make him happier you have sex when you don't want to in order to avoid his sulks, you hold back on showing natural affection because you are afraid of "disappointing" him. He does, so far as I can see from your posts, absolutely nothing to moderate his behaviour to make you happier he keeps pushing you for sex even when he knows you don't want to and it's stressing you out, he keeps having sulks and strops that last for days. You're worried about his feelings, he's deliberately trying to make you feel bad so that you'll be guilted into having sex with him. This doesn't sound like a balanced "blame on both sides" situation.

I bet you any sum of money you like that he's not posting on a board somewhere saying "My wife only wants to have sex a couple of times a week; how can I moderate or redirect my libido so that I don't disappoint her or make her unhappy?".