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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to say no

129 replies

findingithardtoday · 01/05/2015 10:10

How many of you say no to sex from your partners? As the one with the low libido, it's always him that instigates it, which he resents. So, if I'm not in the mood, I'll say 'no thanks but I'll do xyz instead'. I get guilt trips, cold shoulders, snide comments, huffing until I end up giving in because I feel like an awful partner. I'll often not bother arguing and will just go ahead to avoid arguments but then I feel angry because if I want to say no, it shouldn't be an issue, unless I never say yes! It's always caused massive arguments, but they're getting worse. Currently, I'm told I'm 'cold and unloving and I don't care'

We probably have sex twice a week on average, with other favours thrown in. I work full time, plus another job. He works freelance but doesn't have any work on currently.

I'm at the point where I find the pressure and expectation to have sex is putting me off and I would happily embrace celibacy to avoid this guilt and feeling inadequate. The atmosphere is awful at the minute and I really don't want to go home following an argument last night

OP posts:
ClareAbshire · 01/05/2015 13:21

Twice a week with extra favours sounds good going to me and far more than DH gets (young baby in the house and breastfeeding which seems to lower my libido). I think he's got I realistic expectations of what everyone else is doing!

And for what it's worth, if my DH woke me up for sex (especially if I was working two jobs along with childcare and he wasn't working) I think I would strangle him there and then.

FryOneFatManic · 01/05/2015 13:27

Like this morning after he came to bed late on last night and woke me up for sex and I didn't respond accordingly

That is absolutely disgusting of your OH. You just don't wake someone expecting sex. If my DP tried that one, he would be the one suffering the consequences.

Original poster
findingithardtoday · 01/05/2015 13:41

Vivacia, love that idea but I very much doubt he'd be able to do it. He gets frustrated after a few days.

Just to clarify on the waking up: he didn't come in and shake me awake demanding satisfaction. He woke me up by coming into the room a little too noisily and tried his luck a few times until I asked him to leave me alone.

OP posts:
cailindana · 01/05/2015 13:43

It doesn't really matter how he woke you up finding. The point is that he tried it on a few times, ignoring what you wanted, and then punished you for saying no. You seem to think that as long as he isn't hitting you or physically restraining you then he's entitled to treat you as shittily as he wants. Is that the case?

SorchaN · 01/05/2015 13:43

I'm wondering why your husband feels so terribly rejected if you're not in the mood for sex. From what you say, he seems to question the whole relationship instead of acknowledging that sometimes a person can be too tired or too stressed for sex but still love their partner.

Does he think that sex is the only way - or the best way - to express love? Has he not considered the possibility that you also express love by working to contribute to the family, and by bringing up your child, and all the other things you do for the relationship? Maybe if he were more appreciative of the other ways you express love he'd stop fixating on sex as the barometer of love in the relationship...

cailindana · 01/05/2015 13:45

The thing is though Sorcha, it's not like he's not getting any sex. I can see how someone who hasn't had sex for months might get frustrated and start acting a bit shit. But this guy gets sex a couple of times a week plus other things. So the most he's having to do without sexual activity is a couple of days. And still he's acting like an arse. Which suggests to me that he on some level enjoys acting like an arse.

Vivacia · 01/05/2015 13:48

Vivacia, love that idea but I very much doubt he'd be able to do it. He gets frustrated after a few days.

Yes, but most of us go without sex for a few months, it's just part of life isn't it? Low sex drive, babies, illness etc. It's not as if you're denying him a right to orgasm. If he loves you and genuinely wants more affection (and isn't just a rapey bastard) then he'll do this.

You don't even need to go through with this. Just make the proposal and see how he reacts.

BabyGanoush · 01/05/2015 13:54

the "favours" thing pisses me off.

Like you give him BJ's to keep him sweet? Even though you'd rather not? Like some kind of ..... (you know what I am going to say)

How depressing

popalot · 01/05/2015 13:59

Oh no. Have you heard the cup of tea analogy. It goes like this:

If a man asked you if you wanted a cup of tea and you said no, it would be wrong for him to then make you one and pester you until you drank it. You would simply think he was being a controlling weirdo, wouldn't you?!

Therefore, if a man asks you for sex and you say no, it is wrong for him to pester you until you give in.

So, if he has a high sex drive and you have a lower one, he will just have to put up with it. Or if he can't you will have to split, because there is no other option.

flora717 · 01/05/2015 14:10

The tea analogy is a very good one. Particularly the waking someone up scenario.
"Oh sorry did i wake you?, can I get you a cup of tea?"
"No, I want to go back to sleep".
You just wouldn't then persist and badger that person into accepting a cup of tea.

flora717 · 01/05/2015 14:13

And. If someone didn't want a cup of tea, you wouldn't jump to assuming they didn't like your tea/ never want tea. You'd just think they didn't want tea In that moment.

MNHQ
BeccaMumsnet · 01/05/2015 14:15

Hello everyone - we've had a few reports about some of the issues raised on this thread so we thought it would be a good time to pop in and post about our We Believe You campaign, which seeks to bust the myths surrounding rape.

Please do continue to report anything that concerns you.
Thanks everyone Flowers

flora717 · 01/05/2015 14:15

And if they go to the trouble of setting out a lovely table and even cake (or a candlelit bath). You don't owe them drinking the tea.

SorchaN · 01/05/2015 14:22

Cailindana, Sorry, I wasn't trying to minimise the effect of the OP's husband's behaviour. I was just trying to find a way of looking at the situation that might be helpful to the OP, since I think that, unfortunately, we live in a world where many men measure love in terms of sex, no matter how often they're getting it. I definitely don't think it's ok for anyone to pressure anyone else for sex, ever. But also, I don't know anything about this man's background and I wonder if there might be a reason why he seems to feel so disproportionately rejected by his partner saying no, and why he can't seem to address the issue in more appropriate ways. I think he needs to acknowledge that he has a problem and that he's taking it out on his wife.

CookPassBabtrigde · 01/05/2015 14:24

You should never have to have sex or be guilt tripped if you just don't feel like it.
I hardly ever feel like it after having a baby. DP is in the mood more than me, and tries to initiate it every few weeks, but if I say "no, I don't feel like it tonight" it's left at that. He's very good at hiding his disappointment and we have a cuddle instead. I can't imagine him trying to persuade me or make me feel bad about it. I don't feel guilty, I'm tired, and sex is not the be all end all in a relationship. I'm sure my libido will pick up eventually, but it's perfectly normal and ok to have less sex for a while, almost all relationships experience times like this.
Your OH is being really unfair and selfish, IMO. I know you've asked for the thread to be deleted, but I just want to say you are never, ever in the wrong for saying no.

Also, just because someone is not held down, screaming or sobbing does not mean they weren't raped. Often with rape, there is no physical fight or struggle.

cailindana · 01/05/2015 14:25

I get that Sorcha but my concern is that again it is the OP's responsibility to stop her partner from behaving like a dick. Why should she try to understand? He should stop pressuring her for sex, full stop. It's just not acceptable behaviour no matter what the cause.

Charley50 · 01/05/2015 14:40

While you are out working at your two jobs what is he doing? Is he a stay at home parent? Does he do a lot of the housework and associated jobs?

Galvanised · 01/05/2015 14:40

I suspect he 'feels' disproportionally rejected because it works for him.
As in 2x/week plus extras.
If it's not broken why fix it? in a warped way of course.

soapydopeybubbles · 01/05/2015 14:49

My DH and I have very mismatched libidos, it's been that way for years and is probably to do with my chronic depression.
We DTD every few weeks or months, usually with me initiating because then DH knows that it's something I definitely want. It also means that we can kiss and cuddle and whatever else without feeling the pressure for it to 'lead somewhere'.
I did go through a phase of having sex that I didn't want because I felt guilty although DH did nothing to make me feel that way. It was awful and nearly ended our relationship because DH cottoned on to what I was doing and made him (in his words) 'feel like a rapist.'
Not wanting sex is never your fault and you should never, ever feel as though you have to go along with things so as not to upset your partner.

SorchaN · 01/05/2015 15:06

cailindana, I agree with you. It shouldn't be the OP's responsibility to change her husband's behaviour, which, as you say, is unacceptable. It's her husband's responsibility to change his behaviour. I also think it's the husband who needs to try to understand his own feelings; that's not the OP's responsibility. She's said she doesn't frame the behaviour as sexual assault or domestic abuse, even though others do... I guess my concern is about where the OP can exercise agency in this situation, and how we can be supportive...

Jessica2point0 · 01/05/2015 17:25

finding, you said that if you wanted a few weeks sex-free he wouldn't be able to do it. What is it you think he'd do? Are you worried in case he'd leave you, bully you into submission, or not take 'no' for an answer? You don't have to actually respond of course, but please think it through.

If he'd leave you over it, then you have to question whether you want to be with someone who doesn't love you unless you have sex.
If it's either of the other two then that would definitely be rape.

Either way, you deserve better - someone who cares about your feelings and wants you to be really happy.

ihatelego · 01/05/2015 17:27

i say no all the time of course yanbu

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/05/2015 17:40

Is it really difficult for people to tell the difference between these two scenarios?

  1. Couple are affectionate and loving but have mismatched libidos. The man (in this example) lets the woman know that he is up for it pretty much whenever. The woman lets the man know that she will let him know when she is up for it. They have sex when they are both in the mood. Lovely, consensual sex. The man makes sure that his chances of getting laid are increased by; having loving non-sex time; making sure everyone is puling their weight so the woman doesn't feel too tired or pissed off; doing small things to make her happy. The woman does the same to make sure that her DH feels loved and appreciated, even when he's not getting any.
  1. Woman and man have mismatched libidos. Man hassles, pouts, huffs and sulks. Woman finds him unattractive (I wonder why) but 'gives in' and has sex more often than she would like. He also gets BJs because he needs shutting up.

Scenario 1 has more sex but bleugh.

Hakluyt · 01/05/2015 17:44

"Vivacia, love that idea but I very much doubt he'd be able to do it. He gets frustrated after a few days."

What happens then?

bumblingbovine49 · 01/05/2015 17:46

It seems to me here that people are not really listening to the OP. OP so let me see if this is right?. You are unhappy because you are having sex a couple of times a week and having to make a effort for much of that. You would rather have sex 1-2 a month and not have to "make the effort. Sometimes you probably can't manage to muster the enthusiasm for two times week and that is probably when your husband starts to get upset, leading to you felling resentment for the fact that you usually make an effort and he doesn't appreciate this and then feeling less like you want sex. tbh that all sounds like a normal case of mismatched sex drive to me but that doesn't make it any easier to bear

I too don't like sex too often really. I am 50 years old and have felt like this with each of the 4 partners I have lived with for any length of time so it is really not about how attractive I find DH. However Dh is the only one I had a child with and things have got even worse since DS (9 years old) was born. I only really feel in the mood if I haven't had sex for about 3-4 weeks. Then I am usually in the mood and enjoy it. However this would be far too infrequent for DH so I try to be more accommodating, but the trouble is it I really don't enjoy it as much as when there has been a bit of a gap in time which leads me to be a bit resentful when we have periods of more regular sex because I frankly get less out of it.

Dh never does anything to make me feel like that but I have noticed that our relationship suffers if I leave it too long before I agree to sex again as we get into a vicious cycle of me worrying that DH will interpret every cuddle/touch as a prelude to sex so I withdraw. Given this and because I value our marriage a great deal for many many reasons, I try and keep up the sex but I do think that instead of it always being something I enjoy, and a relaxation, it sometimes feels like yet another thing to do.

I wish I had the answer but I am afraid I don't. I love DH very much and to be honest it is a relief now he is a bit older and his sex drive has reduced a bit compared to 10 years ago. He is now happy with once a week or so whereas he used to want sex most days. It had evened things out a bit but we still have a gap in desire. The way we got thorough things in the earlier years was because dh believed me when I told him it wasn't about him, I could point to the fact that this had happened to with three other long term partners after living with them for a year or so. He loved me and I love him so we talked about it and worked through it somehow.

I am not saying this is true for you but I firmly believe that childbirth has made things a bit worse for me and I had a lowish sex drive before that. My orgasms are just nowhere near as instense as they used to be before DS was born and that includes if I do things myself so nothing to do with Dh's technique or anything like that. I think this true for some women and childbirth does affect their sexual response in a physical way but it is not really talked about much.