to say no

[findingithardtoday]

How many of you say no to sex from your partners? As the one with the low libido, it's always him that instigates it, which he resents. So, if I'm not in the mood, I'll say 'no thanks but I'll do xyz instead'. I get guilt trips, cold shoulders, snide comments, huffing until I end up giving in because I feel like an awful partner. I'll often not bother arguing and will just go ahead to avoid arguments but then I feel angry because if I want to say no, it shouldn't be an issue, unless I never say yes! It's always caused massive arguments, but they're getting worse. Currently, I'm told I'm 'cold and unloving and I don't care'

We probably have sex twice a week on average, with other favours thrown in. I work full time, plus another job. He works freelance but doesn't have any work on currently.

I'm at the point where I find the pressure and expectation to have sex is putting me off and I would happily embrace celibacy to avoid this guilt and feeling inadequate. The atmosphere is awful at the minute and I really don't want to go home following an argument last night

He regularly offers me favours but I'm not really into it - like I said, low libido.

Well yes, it could be you. Or, perhaps he's just not very good at sex with another person and can't or won't meet your needs.

Chances are if you do leave and later find a caring partner who will only have sex when you both want it, you'll find you actually don't have such a low libido. Sex for you has become a chore that you have to fulfil in order to avoid punishment. Who wouldn't go off sex in those circumstances?

OP there are ALWAYS the same people on here who cry rape at any given chance. Ignore them - they are clearly manhaters.

No, we just have slightly higher expectations of men than you do.

No Vivacia - some cry rape if a bloke blinks wrongly!

Yes, feckless I actually think men are great and kind and caring. I don't hate them I think they are wonderful. Unfortunately there are some men out there like finding's partner who are nasty abusive arseholes. They are not typical men, it is not normal for men to manipulate women into sex. Because most men are kind and loving and want sex only when their partner wants it too.
I don't hate men. But if you think it's normal for men to behave in this way, I can't see how you don't hate them?

No Vivacia - some cry rape if a bloke blinks wrongly!

Comments like that prevent children and women from talking about being raped by a man.

Bollocks Feckless.

I love men. I love shagging men. Lovely, lovely, lovely cock.

I just don't love the notion that women having sex when they don't want to do is normal, or has any place whatsoever in a loving, respectful relationship.

Because it does not. Yes means yes, not no means no.

There will always be people like feckless unfortunately who for whatever reason help rapists and protect them by telling women they have no right to be upset if a man manipulates them into sex. I hope you're pleased that you have taken that role feckless and that the rapists are happy there are people out there telling women that being coerced into sex isn't rape - it is really helpful for them.

Really sorry finding, I shouldn't have got sidetracked talking to feckless.

Are you ok?

Whether you see as rape or not, this man is guilt tripping you into sex and pestering you until he gets his way. You are enabling his shit behaviour by going along with it. Ultimately, if sex is far more important to him than it is to you, then are you really compatible as a couple? Is this how you want to live your life, going to bed every night wondering if you will get hassled yet again?

Who is the boss of your body? You?

Or him??

Actually the more I think about it, the more I begin to view this as rape. Rape comes in many guises. It does not have to involve violence or force.

I'll just try this again, seeing as I didn't manage to get it right last time and it looks as relevant as it did earlier.

www.mumsnet.com/campaigns/we-believe-you-campaign-rape-myths-busted

Feckless, do you think it's normal for a man to use guilt trips, cold shoulders, snide comments, huffing to get sex from someone who doesn't want it? Do you think the OP should just put up with that?

Feckless, I've reported your post for its personal attack on cailin, and I also think you're very misguided...

There is nothing wrong with your libido. There is everything wrong with a person who uses passive aggression to coerce you into sex acts you don't want. You are working two jobs whilst he sits at home. No wonder you want sleep and tea, not his dick in your mouth to shut him up. It's no way to live, OP, it's not love, and if you can't see that, well, there's not much anyone can do but no, it's not normal.

We probably have sex twice a week on average, with other favours thrown in. I work full time, plus another job. He works freelance but doesn't have any work on currently.

Twice a week, plus perks, is actually average. Your dh is hardly deprived and sounds a bit of a manipulative bully, to me.

But to answer your question: yes, we have both gone along despite initial disinterest. Who you are cooperating with, and how that plays out, matters. With another partner, i felt like a blow up doll. With this one, the result is a low key encounter we both enjoy. I suppose since our habits became established, it isnt giving in so much giving in as negotiating for that particular option. Hadnt really thought of it that way til now. i have also said no, even stopped in the middle, and not been harassed (by this partner) as you describe your dh doing. Even through very long phases when once a month would have been the gold at the end of a rainbow for us as we were both overworked, overstressed and just couldnt get onto the same schedule of need.

Feckless, I've reported your post for its personal attack on cailin, and I also think you're very misguided...

Would you also like to report cailindana's post where she accused me of protecting rapists? Thank you Puntastic.

Thanks for your input everyone. I've requested this post is deleted because I'm mightily uncomfortable with the comments - whether they have a grain of truth or not. Both myself and OH are unhappy, him because he wants more LOVING sex not with someone who goes through the motions, someone who isn't vanilla. Me, because I'm fed up of not getting it right. That I can't give him a cuddle or kiss without him seeing it as a come on and then I disappoint him again, so maybe I am cold because I don't always offer affection, just in case. I just don't want to feel like I can't do right for doing wrong.

It's normal for your partner to want sex on a regular basis. It forms a bond in a normal mutually loving relationship.

finding - thank goodness for common sense and that you are not viewing your husband as a rapist.

no, because I don't think that was a personal attack - it was a comment on the argument you're making here, which is fair game. But you should report it yourself if you disagree, and MNHQ can decide.

Take care of yourself finding x

At least the OP has some common sense.

Oh great, so now the OP feels this is all her fault. Brilliant work, Feckless, nice one

Good luck finding, sorry the thread wasn't helpful. Do post again if you feel it might help.