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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Cousin's partner "get your tits out"

170 replies

Leafitout · 26/04/2015 19:19

I cannot stand him he has no respect for his long term long suffering partner my cousin. He is a sleazeball and fucking annoying me when he keeps texting me to get my tits out. He not only text me he does it to my face when my cousin is in the same room.

OP posts:

Original poster

Leafitout · 27/04/2015 13:04

I have been in this situation previously and it is now my cousin go through this. I know how hard it is to escape this situation got the t shirt and I'm not projecting. I want to do the right thing by her desperately and have taken all advice given on board please don't think I am ignoring it. I already have a W/A case worker who phones me to see that my ex is keeping to his part of the injunction given to him as I am now out of my situation. And also attending weekly freedom programm classes. I have said to the course leader of my cousins situation and that it would beneficial for her to attend a course.

OP posts:

Bunbaker · 27/04/2015 13:15

Leaf Why haven't you contacted any help agencies yet? You know how hard it is for your cousin, so why are you stalling?

BasementCat89 · 27/04/2015 13:18

Hold on. You said he doesn't allow her any money. Does she work? Or just him? You say he takes the keys but doesn't lock her in to control her movements. How does that work? If she isn't locked in, why couldn't she go outside? Fear of being burgled?

He has chipped away at your cousin's self esteem and now she feels powerless. Giving her information about what she can do and who can help would be a good first step. Phone numbers, access to a legal counsel, etc.

AnyFucker · 27/04/2015 13:20

Taking the keys is effectively locking her in, isn't it ?

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed · 27/04/2015 13:23

"Taking the keys is effectively locking her in, isn't it ?"

Exactly. If she does summon up the courage to go out and leave the house unlocked, who is going to get the blame if the house is burgled? I'm guessing not the wankstain who went off with the keys.

QuintShhhhhh · 27/04/2015 13:56

If she does not have the key, and the door cant be left on the latch, she would probably not be able to get in again!

BasementCat89 · 27/04/2015 14:08

"If she does not have the key, and the door cant be left on the latch, she would probably not be able to get in again!"

Ah! I see. Feeling trapped is awful. I would suggest a duplicate key, but if the guy is violent getting away altogether would be the safer option.

MsJudgementalPants · 27/04/2015 14:19

You could ring the school now, there's still another hour. You could ring your W /A case worker now. You could ring SS now, anonymously if you want.

ouryve · 27/04/2015 14:20

He is already abusive to their kids and turns them against her, they speak to her like she is shit on their shoe. One has already physically tried to push her down the stairs. I told her that this was unacceptable behaviour from her child but she says what can I do?

She might not be able to see what she can do, but you can contact social services. It might not be too late to prevent those children from ending up emotionally and psychologically damaged for life.

He's hurting her, anyhow, if she does nothing. There's nothing to say he's not going to badly injure her or kill her, anyhow, if she does nothing. Someone needs to be on the side of those children, though, even if it means they end up being removed.

LIZS · 27/04/2015 15:43

Tbh I'm surprised WA worker doesn't have a duty to report your cousin's situation to Safeguarding officer at SS.

chiefbrody · 27/04/2015 18:01

Been away most of the day, have you seriously not done anything yet.

Pack up her and the kids and take them somewhere safe, the people that will help and look after them have seen it all before.

Your cousins case is really bad and terrifying but I am sure womans aid and the police have seen and dealt with worse.

DO SOMETHING ... GET OFF THE FENCE.

Original poster

Leafitout · 27/04/2015 18:09

I'm not on the fence me packing her and the kids up will take planning. Things are not as simple as that

OP posts:

Bunbaker · 27/04/2015 18:13

"Things are not as simple as that"

You ring women's aid and tell them what is going on. They will advise you.

STOP DOING NOTHING

chiefbrody · 27/04/2015 18:34

Things are as simple as you make them..

I suppose I am a doer and not a thinker......

As above ring womans aid..... they will more or less tell you what to do....

Leave you cousin to another day of abuse then another then another...

AnyFucker · 27/04/2015 19:24

come on guys, the 2nd worst thing that could happen here is that OP gets her cousin out but she goes back to him because she is not ready to cut the final ties

this happens again and again. I forget how many times on average it takes a woman to leave an abusive man for good but it is many

the 1st worst thing is that he physically attacks someone which I think is a very real risk here, so OP should not rush her cousin into doing anything until RL support is in place

OP, you are garnering the RL support, aren't you ?

chiefbrody · 27/04/2015 19:26

I think the OP is doing nothing, just talking.

AnyFucker · 27/04/2015 19:53

well, that is up to her

her conscience is her own to manage

Original poster

Leafitout · 27/04/2015 20:25

The first place he is going to come looking is my house I don't want me or my child to be on the receiving end of his rage. I haven't been doing nothing I have spoken to her and will be going to see her this week to talk about her options. Plans take time. We need money in place she has kids. I also have a child that needs my attention aswell as the things I need to take care of my end. This will be sorted out I am here for her.

OP posts:

Bunbaker · 27/04/2015 21:30

Options:

Contact women's aid on 0808 2000 247 This is free so your cousin can ring them without any credit on her phone. This is their website.

Contact social services

Keep a copy of those nasty texts for evidence

Contact the school

Instead of sitting on MN saying, but this, but that. Do something positive to help your cousin.

maddening · 27/04/2015 22:16

You need to contact women's aid, the dc need counselling, if you don't work can she come to your house in the day ? She doesn't have to stay in.

And the dc, do you try and provide some counter to their father's abuse of their mum? Show them love and encourage empathy, films and stories might be a good way if you don't want them telling their father that you have been talking to them?

You need to start talking to your dsis about an exit plan, start getting her thinking about leaving. Showing her how it can be done - women's aid could help you with this. If he is at work you have lots of time to start gathering paperwork and evidence, special things she wants to keep - getting it hidden safe at your house - her passport - or she could declare it lost if you help her get a replacement, the same for the DC passport , birth certificates, bank statements etc etc.

Get her to start a diary kept at your house of what he is doing.

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