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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Cousin's partner "get your tits out"

170 replies

Leafitout · 26/04/2015 19:19

I cannot stand him he has no respect for his long term long suffering partner my cousin. He is a sleazeball and fucking annoying me when he keeps texting me to get my tits out. He not only text me he does it to my face when my cousin is in the same room.

OP posts:

Icimoi · 26/04/2015 22:00

Get a new phone or a new sim card so you have a different number, tell your cousin to memorise the number and not put it into her phone, and delete the record every time either of you phones or texts the other.

Original poster

Leafitout · 26/04/2015 22:01

She has on occasions begged me to stay overnight but no I don't because she hates being on he own with him. I feel so helpless for her

OP posts:

Bunbaker · 26/04/2015 22:03

In that case you contact domestic violence helplines and you contact women's aid.

Can you go and see your cousin while he is at work? Can you let her know that you have contacted agencies that can help her? Can you take some bags that she has packed back to your place ready for her to collect when she decides to leave?

If she is escaping to a refuge then the fact that she can't lock the door behind her is not going to be her problem.

Can you get her a prepaid SIM card that she can slot into her phone so she can contact you. Surely she can hide something as small as that from him?

daffsandtulips · 26/04/2015 22:04

Angry is good.

As people have said, explain to her that YOU won't take his shit.

Unfortunately you are enabling him.

Do not answer any of his texts ever again. they hate to be ignored. Everything is done for a reaction.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 26/04/2015 22:04

You feel helpless because you are too heavily invested.

Step back spend some time away and you will be in a better situation to help her when you don't feel so trapped in the situation.

You can only help people that want to be helped. Focus on your own life and ds and let her know you are there is she needs you. At moment you are not protecting her you are just putting yourself in a vunerable situation and possibly your DS - who Shoukd be your main priority

ohtheholidays · 26/04/2015 22:08

The women I talked about they're husbands bad mouthed them to they're children and did much worse believe me!But they got away and they're children got help,they grew up realizing that the way they're father's treated they're mothers wasn't right!

You can make all the excuses in the world OP,but do you really want to see your cousin and her children end up as another headline on a front page of a national paper!That's all you have to ask yourself.

The law,your family's and friends and common sense and decency are all on your sides.You just need to stop making excuses and take the first step.I promise you your all feel better for it.

Original poster

Leafitout · 26/04/2015 22:13

She has no money to top up a payg phone. I can see her whilst he is at work but he pops in unannounced to keep an eye on her as he works round the corner! Says he's going for a fag at work! She is too frightened to pack or leave him. I will give her w/a number. I don't answer his texts ever he makes me feel sick.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 26/04/2015 22:28

are you saying he locks her in the house ?

honestly, call the police

Bunbaker · 26/04/2015 22:30

"She has no money to top up a payg phone"

So give her a prepaid SIM card that she can hide away. I suggest you read all of the advice on here and stop making excuses.

Just. Do. It.

AnyFucker · 26/04/2015 22:34

I feel bad for you and for her

he isn't an Almighty Being though...he is subject to the law just like anyone else

please...call DV services yourself tomorrow and report the whole situation. You and she cannot manage this by yourselves.

two women a week

annielouise · 26/04/2015 22:35

Basically if you don't do anything this is both your lives for the next 40-50 years. You have to do something. Get her to talk to police officers trained in this that can tell her what steps they can take and where it will all go. That might help her realise there is a way out. You have to stand up to him, it can be done. He's only a man. Probably all talk. Shame you don't have a boyfriend to have a word. He obviously doesn't respect women.

tipsytrifle · 26/04/2015 22:40

He's an accomplished jailer then. Doesn't even need to lock the door behind him because she won't leave the cage. If ever she feels like testing the water freedom wise she could try going for a walk and just leaving the door as is. Unlocked.

This whole situation is as insane as it gets but really, you taking on her helplessness isn't a solution, it's an incremental increase. Until she believes she isn't helpless she is stuck.

Really, you need to feel she isn't helpless. That might give you a different slant on what/how you communicate with her. Currently you mirror perfectly her feelings and experiences. She could be spirited away by WA or even the DV unit as quick as you both would like, but she has to be on board.

redgoat · 26/04/2015 22:40

Your cousin need someone strong to help her get out of this but it is clear that that person is not you.

You could enable her to walk out with the clothes on her and her children's backs but you won't.

You are just coming out with excuse after excuse.

Yellowbird54321 · 26/04/2015 22:41

Leaf this is a really frightening and dangerous situation.

I understand that you and you're cousin are frightened of this 'man' and that you do not want to lose contact with her.
Does she want to leave him? Does she know about the texts he sends you? Would she start to think about leaving him if you flag up that social services may get involved because of the risk to the children? (Are they his children?) I'm just wondering this because he may have ground her down so that she doesn't care for herself anymore but maybe she would start to think about getting out if she realises she could lose her children because of him?
I'm not sure what you can do until she decides she's had enough - though I would consider alerting SS about the kids as they are living with abuse and contacting womens aid so there is a record of what is happening.
If you can maintain contact with her but keep yourself safe then you could potentially save her life.
to both of you, I'm sorry this is happening.

Original poster

Leafitout · 26/04/2015 22:49

There is nothing more in this world I would like than her to leave him for good and be free of him. I tell her she is worth more than him and her and the kids deserve better. That she doesn't have to put up with it. I tell her that it is doing no good for the kids and they will grow up thinking this is how relationships are. I tell her this until I am blue in the face. And I will keep telling her this hopefully she will take heed.
I have been in a situation where I was scared, frozen to the spot so I know where she is coming from. I could take a step back but I will be worried for her. I wish she would go to the freedom program maybe I could tell her to ask w/a where her nearest would be

OP posts:

LIZS · 27/04/2015 06:40

So she knows you have escaped an abusive relationship yourself yet is willing to expose you to similar again. You need to step back for your own sanity. Speak to WA and ask their advice as to how you can help from afar. You can tell him to sod off until the cows come home but he won't listen because he doesn't believe you. Maybe some assertiveness training could help you feel more empowered to recognise and handle such situations. Do your children attend the same school? Could you take them into your confidence as the children are living in an abusive household and vulnerable.

chiefbrody · 27/04/2015 07:32

For the love of God, Do something.

DelphiniumBlue · 27/04/2015 07:38

Report him to the police now. Then when your cousin eventually finds the strength to leave, there bwill already be a record of his intimidating and criminal behaviour. You are not doing her any favours by condoning this revolting behaviour, he will already be using the fact that you are allowing it as evidence that his behavior towards her is justified, or somehow acceptable.

Phoenix0x0 · 27/04/2015 07:53

Phone the DV unit and contact SS.

He not only abusing you both but is abusing your cousins children.

You say that you ignore his texts and tell him to stop when he touches you, but essentially you are enabling him. You are also reinforcing that his behaviour is ok to your cousin.

He locks your cousin in the house and pops in whilst working to check up on her....WTF! Can I ask, does he do this when the children are there too? If so SS will take a dim view of this.

bleedingheart · 27/04/2015 08:03

I could weep thinking about your cousin being abused like this and those poor children bullied into verbally abusing their mum. I really feel someone should inform the police and social services. Are the kids at school? Can you report to the school and they an contact SS?

You know, I'm not a violent person and am anti-death penalty etc, but sometimes I read about these bastards and wish I could operate some kind of not-for-profit service that could arrange for them to be 'grievously waylaid' on their way home from work/pub

LIZS · 27/04/2015 08:03

I doubt you know the true extent of his behaviour. Just as you feel unable to share the texts with others, so there will be things she doesn't even share with you. That is the effect of controlling and abusive behaviour.

DragonRojo · 27/04/2015 08:07

Leafitout, you have had lots of good advice here. Now, stop making excuses and ACT before it is too late for your cousin and her children. What are you waiting for? Are you hoping that anything will change without doing anything radical? the guy is unchangeable because his behaviour goes unchallenged. Report him and let the professionals deal with it. Keeping quiet is not helping your cousin, her children or you.

Inertia · 27/04/2015 08:09

You aren't helping your cousin. You are normalising his behaviour, and proving to both of them that he can serially harass a woman he isn't even in a relationship with, with zero consequences. Because, let's be honest, you telling him to stop has bog all effect. He is committing a crime against you. You can report him for crimes against you.

Lucy61 · 27/04/2015 08:13

Op , you're not managing to protect yourself let alone help your cousin. Just telling him no obviously isn't working. Don't tell yourself that you're being a martyr, your accepting abuse and putting yourself in a position where it will keep happening. If he chooses to take it further, is there usually someone around who can stop him/ stand up to him and protect you? Or would you be defenceless?

You need to be a good role model to your cousin and show her that you won't hang about.

Also, do you have children? Are you allowing him to be around him? Do you bring them with you to see your cousin? If so, then you're exposing them to poor male and female role models - weak/abused females and an abusive man. Not to mention putting them at risk of abuse too.

You're being abused, sexually and emotionally. You just don't realise it.

Lucy61 · 27/04/2015 08:14

*You're

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