Cousin's partner "get your tits out"

[Leafitout]

I cannot stand him he has no respect for his long term long suffering partner my cousin. He is a sleazeball and fucking annoying me when he keeps texting me to get my tits out. He not only text me he does it to my face when my cousin is in the same room.

He's breaking the law, left right and centre. He's breaking the law sexually harassing you and you have the evidence in the text messages he sends. Don;t delete them. Keep them as evidence.

He is also breaking the law shouting and violently abusing your cousin. Again, she needs to report this everytime it happens. He isn't allowed to verbally abuse her, let alone lay a finger on her.

She must go to womans aid. Otherwise she is letting her children down and that needs to be her focus. I understand she is a battered woman, but thinking about the harm her children are coming to will make her step forward as she won't do it for herself as he has done the age old manouver of breaking down her self esteem so she accepts it. Work on that angle. Infact, I would say that nspcc need to be called because the children are at serious risk from this man sexually, physically and mentally. Texting you the porn wank message tells me he is definitely a sexual offender.

You must intervene. Tell her if she doesn't call the police, you will. You have plenty of evidence. The kids need protecting at the very least. Then she needs to change the locks. Get some advice from woman's aid asap.

If her children go to school, inform the school. Ring Socoal Services. Inform her Gp and the practice health visitor.

As others have said, you might think you're standing up to him but you are in fact enabling him.

She might be too broken to do anything about it, but you need to report his behaviour to someone to help her kids. This isn't something you can do on your own, that's why there are people there yo help.

Could someone more informed than me explain to me why so many women in abusive relationships stay and take it? My immediate instinct is to always think that if people don't take steps to protect themselves and children then they are in someway complicit/enablers and I have to admit , sometimes I think it's being stupid. I know this opinion is wrong.
So many intelligent and able women stay with these men. And no one chooses the heartache and fear that comes with it. There must be more to it that I, as a woman in a safe happy relationship, can't understand.

He will escalate. He knows he owns your cousin and he thinks he owns you too. One day, one of you is going to be on the receiving end of something very nasty and physical and a lot worse than a pat on the bum.

UNLESS you act.

Go round when he's at work. Help her to copy any documents she needs. Take a bag of essentials back to yours. Call women's aid - they will help you with what needs to be done. Call 101 and report every single item of harassing behaviour.

Then, you need to get her and the kids out of there. Get support from the police as needed.

There is NO SOLUTION here that ends with him leaving you alone and your cousin still there and happy. None. Please accept that. She's suffering right now and it will only get worse. She can leave him.

Please don't cut off contact with her. That's what he wants, but you do have to protect your kids. Don't take them round there. There is help out there, but you have to take it. If you don't, I hate to say it but it will get worse. If he does that to you, imagine what he's doing to her and her kids behind closed doors. Be strong.

He doesn't lock her in the house, he goes to work and takes the house keys with him. So she can't go out. My child is not around his behaviour. I left my childs violent abusive father. Because I didn't want to expose him any further to a poor male role model.
My cousins partner has never been challenged about his ways. Even as a child he would make trouble and get away with it and his mum would be at her wits end but never address his behaviour. She was scared of him and to this day she still is. He tells stories of his poor behaviour as a child and thinks it's so funny. He is a mans man down the pub all the blokes love him because he's so funny will do anything for anyone!
I am going to give her another good talking to and put a plan in action for her to leave him. She is just so worn down being told that she is shit and ugly that her brain is warped, things have got to change

You have the opportunity to initiate that change, but do you have the courage to do so ? No one can blame you for hesitating but the secrecy and fear is not part of a normal existence. Agree with others that the language and nature of the texts suggests this may go beyond the family.

It's massively complicated, Lucy.

These men don't walk up to someone in a pub and say "hey babe, I'm Gav, fancy a date?" then punch them in the gob.

It is a slow, gradual process. They break you down, bit by bit, until you've no idea what's normal. You are scared, isolated, threatened. Perhaps already vulnerable. Maybe grew up in an abusive household so your idea of what a relationship is is already screwed up. Perhaps it's low or no self esteem. Some get so ground down they believe all the crap yelled at them about how it's their fault. also leaving is statistically the most dangerous time for an abused woman, so there is massive fear, thoughts of maybe it's better to stay and get slapped than try to leave and get killed. Or perhaps they fear their children will be more damaged - again not because that's true but because of the way their thinking has been altered.

It's more complicated than that, obviously, and more individual.

Lucy, it's complex but these guys don't start off with a greeting that says "hi I'm an abusive twat, I'm going to make your life hell."

They work very cleverly, over months and years to wear down their victims, isolate them, make them think they are crazy, etc. they threaten the children, they destroy people's self worth.

I've thankfully never been in a physically abusive relationship, but I have several friends who have, and honestly, it isn't as easy as just walking out the first time they hit you. It creeps up, and weakens you.

Women often don't realise the amount of help that is out there, because we as a society brush dv under the carpet and present it as shameful.

The best thing we can do for our sisters who suffer like this is a zero tolerance approach, openly in society, to abuse of ALL kinds ( emotional, physical, sexual, financial etc.)

The op and her cousin can break free. It won't be without a monumental tantrum on his behalf, but it is possible.

She CAN go out. She simply has to put the door on the catch and go out. Leave the place open. I can't believe there's anything to value in that place since the abuse level is so high. Except she can't because she's totally imprisoned in her mind, paralysed with fear and self-loathing. Are you thinking of contacting WA or the police/DV unit? Or the health visitor?

I think something real should happen because it's possible he'll escalate. Even if he doesn't, there's plenty you don't know about by way of abuse happening, I'm sure. Plus there are DC involved. The atmosphere alone must be nauseating.

Lucy61 it's because the men mess with the women's thought process.It's similar to causing brain damage in a way to a person.

They first manipulate the women in what ever way they can to distance herself from all friends,family,neighbors,acquaintances.That way she becomes solely dependant on the man for everything,for love,affection,comfort,security,friendship,attention.

Then once she is solely dependant on the man that's when they start putting them down,anything from what size they are,how they look,what they wear,how they do they're hair,how they treat the man/children,how they speak,they're education,where they grew up,they're upbringing,any mistakes they've ever made,they're job,they're family,they're friends,they're behavior,how they tidy up,anything bad that's ever happened to the women and they'll say she bought it on herself or that she deserved it in some way,everything.

So first they take away any support system they have.Secondly they make them believe that they're worthless and that no one else will ever want them and that they're doing them a favor by being with them.

Then they start Gaslighting,they make the women believe that things that are going on are either in her head or that she caused them,they'll use that excuse every single time!

A lot of behavior a man exhibits when he's committing domestic abuse/violence show the behavioural traits of a psychopath.That's an actual fact I've seen in case study's where Domestic abuse/violence were happening.

Very well put ohtheholidays

OP you need to read the last part of my last post and get your cousin to read it to.

Look at these statistics

A woman is more likely to be killed by a male partner (or former partner) than any other person. About 4,000 women die each year due to domestic violence. Of the total domestic violence homicides, about 75% of the victims were killed as they attempted to leave the relationship or after the relationship had ended.

X posted with fenella, but I agree with everything she says!

Op, it is great that you are taking action! Don't do it alone - call women's aid, take their advice and get everything in place. There is a world of support for you on these boards as well. You can do this.

And one out of every four women who are the victims of domestic violence attempt suicide.

These are all real statistics OP.This is happening every day in every single county in every single country all over the world.

But here in the UK were lucky,we have the law on our side and tons and tons of individuals and organizations and charity's reaching out to women just like your cousin and yourself.They're willing any women going through anything like this to just reach out to them and contact them.

They will help with no hesitation and they will never judge the victims!

Go to the police, go today. Make them do something. That is the only advice you need.

Only advice you need today at least.

op, this "plan" you are going to make to help her leave, please tell us it involves professional help

the most dangerous time for a woman in a relationship such as this is when she tries to leave

like I said upthread, you and she cannot manage this alone

Fennella post at 08.50 has made me cry because that is exactly how it is for my cousin. And how it was for me except that exp did threaten me with a weapon. That was my wake up call to grab my ds and get out.Before that he had threatened to kill me if I left and I was totally shit scared of him and never called the police. It's never black and white and just as simple as LTB. At the time I had no idea of W/A just that I couldn't put my child through it anymore. I grew up in an abusive violent household and went on to be sexually abused later on. My head was fucked and being abused became normal. I knew no different, accepted that's the way it is. I guess my cousin is the same. I hate that to this day men think they can abuse me in texts, comments and their behaviour. I do have a W/A case worker and going to sound her out re my cousin.
Please don't think I am condoning his behaviour, enabling him it's a bit more complicated than that. We are two girls against an almighty horrible bastard who has to get his own way or else

Or else what................

She has to leave.

Can she not come to live with you, I certainly would have her if she was my cousin and if we had to sleep on chairs or the floor so be it.

It may get worse before it gets better, but once he starts hammering on your door and you getting the police involved at least the ball is rolling to a better future.

Of course she can come to live with me but with that he will come to my home and create. I don't want to put my ds through that.

I understand that but maybe it is the only way............ you will have the police on your side..

Or is it a case of ''not in my back yard''

do not go for the kneecaps option

If he does that, you call the police and you're in a stronger position, because then they can book the fucker for all sorts of things.

AF is right - don't do this alone. The police, women's aid - they are there for a reason. use them. Draw on wider family for moral support, and wa/police for the logistics. You can do this. It's not going to be nice, or easy, but it can be done. You can get rid of this despicable piece of shit.

Screenshot the messages and speak to the police. There might be more to it than you realise with your cousin and the police will know how to handle it sensitively without risk of DV. He sounds absolutely disgusting.

Please people, don't give Op a hard time

she is doing her best in difficult circumstances. ..I expect many of this woman's friends and relatives either don't care or have washed their hands of her