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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cousin's partner "get your tits out"

170 replies

Leafitout · 26/04/2015 19:19

I cannot stand him he has no respect for his long term long suffering partner my cousin. He is a sleazeball and fucking annoying me when he keeps texting me to get my tits out. He not only text me he does it to my face when my cousin is in the same room.

OP posts:
ouryve · 27/04/2015 10:24

We are two girls against an almighty horrible bastard who has to get his own way or else

You're 2 people against another person and the law is on the side of the majority, in this case.

How old are her kids? If primary school age, how does she get them there?

Original poster
Leafitout · 27/04/2015 10:30

Or is it a case of not in my back yard? Absolutly not the case. I have my child to protect and believe me he has been through enough domestic violence in his own home. And hence the reason we are being protected from exp by way of an injunction.

OP posts:
Original poster
Leafitout · 27/04/2015 10:37

They get themselves to local schools around the corner. Others have washed their hands as they cannot understand why she is still with the fucking loser.

OP posts:
glammanana · 27/04/2015 11:03

Please involve The Police as I can only see a bad ending to this if you don't,they most probably have information on him already with him being as violent as he is, your cousin is not going to do anything on her own and it is a matter of time before he really starts on the children and I'm sure you know this,so better to put up with his rantings now than suffer the consiquences (sp)? at a later date.Please do something to-day sweetie.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 27/04/2015 11:04

Leaf, I was in the same position as you when my sister was married to an absolute nutter.

All I could do was support her until she was strong enough to leave. And do all I could to stop her going back. Then I was in absolute fear that her and her kids would end up as one of those awful revenge murder cases you read about. It is hard for people who have not dealt with a man like this to understand what it is like. If my sister had rung the police I am absolutely sure he would have come round in a rage and killed her.

My sister has been free of him for about five years now. She is seeing a nice man, (saw him in secret for about a year before they dared go public) and she is almost back to her old self. Vile ex now has another woman to abuse.

The really sad thing is that her relationships with her children have suffered. Her children are slightly contemptuous of her, I suspect her 15 year old son has been physically abusive. Basically they saw too much.

Vile ex was an absolute charmer when they met. We all felt sorry for him because he was from a rough, violent family. He got controlling and nasty as the years went on. The tragic thing is that my sister could have had the pick of men and she absolutely adored him, thought he was wonderful. He just spoiled everything for no good reason.

Bunbaker · 27/04/2015 11:19

What is holding you back from contacting agencies who can help?

Just. Do. It.

Lucy61 · 27/04/2015 11:29

No- don't bring her to live with you. That would spell disaster for everyone.

Thanks for your explanations those who have posted to explain how abusive relationships work. It's dark - isn't it?!

I work with children, and over the years I have come across quite a few children growing up in homes where different types of abuse takes place. I've dealt with disclosures of abuse - both children reporting abuse towards them and some reporting abuse that's happening to parents. The worse cases are where you sense something is happening at home but the children have been so manipulated or are terrified that they won't tell a soul. I've seen the worrying behaviours some of these chn develop; some chn take on the role of protector and will do anything to be expelled/sent home so that they could 'protect' their parent.

Time and time again I think these children are being failed by both parents. Your cousin needs to use the help on offer to give her kids a better chance like you did with your DS. I hope she finds the strength somewhere. Hmm

SanctimoniousWitches · 27/04/2015 11:36

leafitout I have every sympathy for the difficult situation you're in and the fine line you're trying to tread. If your cousin has somewhere else to go, some financial wriggle room so to speak then there could be value in 'exposing' him. Try and research her rights with her before demonising him. He is a twat who deserves to be demonised, but when I was in an abusive relationship (he was not overtly sexuallly inappropriate to our acquaintances though) I wasn't brave enough to leave so i backed away from any friends who so much as asked difficult questions like 'why are you with him?'. It's a really really slow process, being alongside your cousin and making her aware of her rights and options and stealthily building her self-esteem in a subtle way that won't come across obviously or patronisingly. A new experience for her birthday such as abseiling or something, it may not sound like a self-esteem booster, but it can make a person think, wow, I did something different. I can do things. Asking her for her thoughts. Asking her for her opinion. Rome wasn't built in a day.

TheClacksAreDown · 27/04/2015 11:44

OP it is clear you really want to do the best for your cousin. Please involve the agencies who can help her and the children.

Lucy61 · 27/04/2015 11:52

Really good advice sancti - lots of small steps in the right direction and building self esteem.

Original poster
Leafitout · 27/04/2015 11:55

He will go batshit crazy on her if she came to stay with me. He is already abusive to their kids and turns them against her, they speak to her like she is shit on their shoe. One has already physically tried to push her down the stairs. I told her that this was unacceptable behaviour from her child but she says what can I do? They idolise him not because he's a good father but because they see him as the ruler of the house. I do tell her that she is a beautiful person to build her shattered self esteem. I don't mean to sound bitchy but I got out of my abusive situation because I was a tiny bit stronger and independent. She isn't this and hasn't been for years. Not her fault because he is in charge of her.

OP posts:
Justusemyname · 27/04/2015 11:58

You can show other people his vile texts. You are choosing not too. I'd be sending them on to her every time he sends you one saying your boyfriend sent me this. Immature at best. Abusive at worst.

SanctimoniousWitches · 27/04/2015 11:59

It's very difficult, to have gone through it yourself, and to go about your life knowing that that could almost be you, if in a parallel universe you'd had a little less strength, fewer practical options.

SanctimoniousWitches · 27/04/2015 12:03

One thing that helped me was inadvertently getting some distance. I went away for a short trip and then one child got chicken pox and I couldn't fly home, then the other child got chicken pox and I had to spend weeks away. I began to think that it might be possible to build up a life from scratch in a new location.

Bunbaker · 27/04/2015 12:03

"He is already abusive to their kids"

Contact social services and the school. This has to stop.

Why are you choosing to ignore the plethora of sensible advice on here?

Justusemyname · 27/04/2015 12:07

Sorry, I posted before seeing other posts.

OP, you've had some great advise here. If you do nothing you are giving into a bully. Phone someone For help today. No reason not too. Worse case you could leave your child without a mummy if you and your cousin are the TWO A WEEK. Do something.

AnyFucker · 27/04/2015 12:12

OP, you really do need to speak to SS

her kids and verbally and physically abusive towards her because of the lessons they are learning at home

please do this to protect the children, as well as her

QuintShhhhhh · 27/04/2015 12:33

Op - there is no cousin, is there? That is why you are so vehemently denying any course of action that could help, isnt there? Sad

Icimoi · 27/04/2015 12:34

Your cousin could get a place in a refuge. Not only would her husband not know where she is, but if he found out they have plenty of protection in place and a hotline to the police. Please encourage her to realise that she does have options and anything is better than what is happening currently.

AnyFucker · 27/04/2015 12:46

OP, is Quint right ?

Justusemyname · 27/04/2015 12:48

Quint, I was wondering if it is actually the OP who is in danger but didn't want to be accused of troll hunting Sad for whoever is in this situation.

QuintShhhhhh · 27/04/2015 12:49

Just, I dont think it is troll hunting, OP would not be trolling if she tried to seek help for herself in a third person scenario. It would just be easier for people to tailor their advice to HER if she was indeed the woman forced to stay in her home all day scared of an abusive and controlling partner.

tipsytrifle · 27/04/2015 12:51

I also wondered BUT the thing is, Leaf, this situation is one which needs an immediate escape supervised by Women's Aid and/or the police. It is that serious and absolutely that dangerous. So the advice still stands.

BasementCat89 · 27/04/2015 12:52

Quint, after reading through the thread I get the same impression.

The best way to deal with a psycho like this is to shine a great big spotlight on his behavior.

Step 1: Get to a shelter.

Step 2. Contact the police and submit all evidence available.

Step 3: Contact a lawyer and get a restraining order.

Justusemyname · 27/04/2015 12:59

Op. Read the many threads about women who have been where your cousin/ you are and thought there was no way out but posted here and posters helped. They are loving free and happy lives. SO ARE THEIR CHILDREN.

Nothing is impossible.