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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Cousin's partner "get your tits out"

170 replies

Leafitout · 26/04/2015 19:19

I cannot stand him he has no respect for his long term long suffering partner my cousin. He is a sleazeball and fucking annoying me when he keeps texting me to get my tits out. He not only text me he does it to my face when my cousin is in the same room.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 26/04/2015 21:15

she indicates

Original poster

Leafitout · 26/04/2015 21:15

I split from my ds father because of his exact same behaviour towards me.

OP posts:

HazleNutt · 26/04/2015 21:19

It's almost like he is trying to make my cousin and me fall out - that's exactly what he's trying to do. The best thing you can do is to tell your cousin you will be there if she needs you, especially to help her leave, but that her partner's behaviour is abusive and unacceptable, and you can't be at the receiving end of this any more.

ohtheholidays · 26/04/2015 21:19

Is he ever away from your cousin?Does he work?

What I would do is contact women's aid on her behalf when he's not around and between yourself,your cousin and women's aid work out an escape plan for your cousin and her children.She could pack up the bare essentials(clothes,shoes,toiletries,children's favorite toys,special pictures,I'd of her's and the children's and passports of her's and the children's any bank cards of her's ect)and then she could leave and go and stay where the women's aid had told her to go.

Whilst your sorting all this out between you all you need to see a solicitor and show them everything he's sent you and get an injunction against him.

The problem is if you leave it go on for much longer there may be no coming back he could seriously injure your cousin,her children or worse.And worst case scenario there is no coming back from for your cousin or her children.

I know it's hard but it's worth doing.I've helped two women I knew(I wasn't related to either of them)get away from abusive partners.I helped them get help though women's aid and they never looked back.Both have great life's now and so do they're children and one of the husbands ended up in prison for a very long time.

GatoradeMeBitch · 26/04/2015 21:20

Tell her you'll always be there for her if she needs you, any day, any time, and that she really needs to leave him. Then stop going to their house. You're not getting anything positive from this. And he's getting another victim. What if she never leaves? Put your foot down.

Original poster

Leafitout · 26/04/2015 21:21

But you do not have to cut her off completely. Anyfucker your right he is clever in a munipulating way. By him also doing it from her phone the next step is for me to block her number. So no way for us to have contact with each other. He works but takes house keys with him, leaves her with no credit on her phone and no money. He makes me so mad

OP posts:

Joyfulldeathsquad · 26/04/2015 21:22

Why the hell are you taking your child there?

You have been offered lots of advice but don't want to do any of it. So really he is already controlling you both. What do you think you are offering your cousin when you go round and she sees him talking to you like this? She will just see it as normal because yet again another female is allowing herself be treated like shit by the cunt.

You can support your cousin in many ways, by phone, at school, email, text, ect...you don't need to be in the thick of it AND subject your son to it. What about him? What effect do you think it will have on his little mind hearing that twats bullshit and seeing his mum being felt up?

Step out of the drama. He probally gets much enjoyment out of you going round.

The texts he is sending you are not normal. You are allowing him to do it by not changing your number, telling people. Your being part of the problem.

ohtheholidays · 26/04/2015 21:27

So do you know when he goes to work?that way she wouldn't need credit to contact you.Can she open a downstairs window?Keeping her locked in the house against her will is illegal you do know that right?

It's also a fire risk if her and the children can't get out and there's a fire.

ImperialBlether · 26/04/2015 21:29

Why are you going round there when he's there? Does he work? Is he never out of the house?

Original poster

Leafitout · 26/04/2015 21:29

" tell mummy she's a fat cunt and nobody else will have her" "tell mummy that if she leaves you wont speak to her again" he is in total control in the house she can never leave him. I can't leave her like this she is worn down by him. I know what it is like to be in an abusive relationship, nobody understood and I understand my cousins situation. She has nobody else.

OP posts:

tipsytrifle · 26/04/2015 21:31

It really sounds like he is controlling both of you. Could you afford a cheap phone and new sim for her to have as emergency contact with you? I'm thinking one of you has to get free to allow the other see it can be done? Currently it's like you're both hostages.

If he is locking her indoors then he is actually breaking the law. Maybe she could break a window and leave? With police escort? If she isn't ready to do this then I honestly don't think you're doing any favours by all but joining her.

acatcalledjohn · 26/04/2015 21:37

Leaf, I hate to be harsh, but am going to be anyway. You are making things worse by enabling him and finding every single pathetic excuse under the fucking sun to not report him. and your arguments make it very clear that he is incomplete control of you - and you don't want to see that. For the sake of your cousin and her kids you need to report this utter cunt. He is not a man, he is a waste of precious oxygen.

Gather evidence and report him to the police DV unit.

And stop making excuses and sticking your head in the sand FFS. It's damaging your cousin and two innocent kids, and potentially your DS, YOUR OWN CHILD, who sees this happen and will think this is normal, as you allow it to happen with no repercussions for this arsehole. There is no other good option than the one mentioned by previous posters.

I am so sorry to read what he is doing to you, and even more what he is doing to your cousin and their kids, but if you don't want to do anything, why did you even post for advice?

Original poster

Leafitout · 26/04/2015 21:38

He takes the house keys with him because he doesn't want her to leave the house when he isn't there. He doesn't lock her in. He likes to control her movements. Yes he does work.

OP posts:

Joyfulldeathsquad · 26/04/2015 21:39

leaf there is not much you can do if your cousin will not accept help.

You can get her to try women's aid and many other organisation but unless she is willing to make that move there is nothing you can do.

Being in the thick of it will not help her or you. You need to step back so you can get a clearer view on the situation as you seem heavily invested in what's going on.

There are many ways you can support her with out having to be in her home.

I would change your number and give her the new number and tell her to put it under a new name. Then to only ring and message when he is not there and delete it from the phone history. There are steps you can take to prevent the messages you just need to step back.

FenellaFellorick · 26/04/2015 21:45

Ok fine. You've got a yeahbut for everything. What do you want people to say? There's nothing you can do and nothing you can change. He's an arse and you have to take it and maybe one day she'll leave but probably not and hopefully he'll never do more to you than grope you.

If this is the choice that you are making, then accept its your choice and be ok with it. That's all you can do if you dont accept or believe any of the points people are making and are unwilling to remove yourself.

You absolutely have that right. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. Stay as you are and cross everything she'll leave if that's what you feel is right.

Original poster

Leafitout · 26/04/2015 21:46

I posted for advice because I am angry that he texts me such things. I will say again I will block his number. He also texts from her phone so I can't block her number as I will be cutting her off. It's not excuses as I have told him not to do it I am not enabling him as he is a law unto himself. We are both frightened of his actions of spiliting us up as cousins. My ds does not witness his shit behaviour only on one ocasion he did which was out in a public place twat turned up to uninvited at a family members kids birthday party. My head is not in the sand as I can see very clearly that he is abusing my cousin and now trying to do it to me. But his agenda is to make us fall out and that isn't what she needs at this moment she needs support. And I need to tell him to fuck off

OP posts:

Joyfulldeathsquad · 26/04/2015 21:49

Why don't you do what I suggested about changing your number?

Original poster

Leafitout · 26/04/2015 21:51

Changing my number would be fine if he didn't go through her phone. This is how he got my number in the first place. He is a total control freak over her every movement

OP posts:

acatcalledjohn · 26/04/2015 21:52

We are both frightened

That's all you need to report the cunt.

Original poster

Leafitout · 26/04/2015 21:53

It would start an almighty row if she put me under another name in her phone or if he found that she had a stashed away phone merry hell would break lose.

OP posts:

FenellaFellorick · 26/04/2015 21:54

And you've had lots of advice and that's all it is. Advice. At the end of the day you take it or not. You think it's worth something or you dismiss it. It's all up to you. Nobody here has any agenda or vested interest in your choice. Just commented and advised on your situation as described. You can choose to read it all through and think about it, You can choose to roll your eyes say pfft what do they know.
It's entirely up to you. You are the one who has to suffer it. We're all strangers to you who won't suffer one way or the other whatever choice you make. Nobody's trying to attack you. ( Here at least!!! ) People genuinely are just trying to help you.

Original poster

Leafitout · 26/04/2015 21:55

If she even has change in her purse that he goes through he loses it with her. Because he is in charge of everything

OP posts:

Original poster

Leafitout · 26/04/2015 21:58

I am very grateful for the advice given and came here for it. I just feel stuck in this situation and it helps to hear outside advice on here. I don't feel atracked I'm just angry at him and his shit.

OP posts:

Joyfulldeathsquad · 26/04/2015 21:58

Well she will have to clever about it and delete the history and only phone you when he is not in. If she wants to remain in contact with you she will have to make the effort rather than you be subjected to his filth.

You really are being held hostage by a man you don't even live with

acatcalledjohn · 26/04/2015 22:00

Leaf:

Several years ago one of my close friends who lives about 30 mins from me was locked in a bedroom whilst her then P was smashing up the living room after an argument got out of hand. The only way out of this flat was via that same living room, so she was stuck. She called me in tears, I could hear her shake, and in a hushed voice she asked me to please come over and to please not call the police. I tried to convince her otherwise, but she made me promise.

I didn't call the police, but I got in the car and drove up without hesitation. By the time I got there he was gone.

I still regret not calling the police, even though he hadn't physically hurt her.

On the upside, that day was the day she grabbed only her important belongings, and left him.

^ You need to act.

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