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Original poster

Cousin's partner "get your tits out"

170 replies

Leafitout · 26/04/2015 19:19

I cannot stand him he has no respect for his long term long suffering partner my cousin. He is a sleazeball and fucking annoying me when he keeps texting me to get my tits out. He not only text me he does it to my face when my cousin is in the same room.

OP posts:
Happy36 · 26/04/2015 20:24

I missed out the word "phoneline", sorry.

Original poster
Leafitout · 26/04/2015 20:24

He is not a man to upset so getting the police involved would not go down well at all. I do not want to lose contact with my cousin we are very close. But she is so used to his abusive behaviour that she thinks it is normal. I don't have a partner and others in the family have long told her to leave him. They leave her to get on with it as they can't stand him either. I just feel like telling him to fuck off but know that he will tell me not to come round the house again. There isn't a solution here is there?

OP posts:
ArseForElbow · 26/04/2015 20:25

I would go for the kneecaps option, he sounds vile

HazleNutt · 26/04/2015 20:27

but have you been actually able to do anything for your cousin? As you say, she thinks it's all normal, and then fact that she can call and complain does not change anything, just stresses you out.

LIZS · 26/04/2015 20:28

No one can do that for her, but it doesn't mean you have to suffer his abuse too. Give her the numbers of dv helplines and tell her she is welcome to enlist your support when the time comes. For her dc if not her own sake. She must realise why everyone else has backed off.

FenellaFellorick · 26/04/2015 20:29

yes. there is. Several solutions/options in fact. There just may not be the solution you want. You can allow him to continue sexually harassing you and cross your fingers he doesn't seriously sexually assault you in the end. You can say that you will not accept it and accept that the price you pay for your own comfort and safety is that he tries to boot you out of her life as well.

btw - accepting his behaviour you are helping her to normalise it.

You certainly aren't preventing him from treating her like this by allowing him to treat you badly, are you?

oh, it's not so bad, it's just banter - look, leaf lets him, it's fine.

Bunbaker · 26/04/2015 20:31

Which is precisely why you should contact the domestic violence helpline for advice. By doing nothing you are facilitating his behaviour. I would also give your cousin the phone number for women's aid.

This misogynistic, violent thug will continue to behave like this as long as you and your cousin let him.

ouryve · 26/04/2015 20:33

Have you told her that it's perfectly fine for her to LTB? She needs to be told. I needed to be told, even though it was fucking obvious to everyone else and my ex was nothing like that sleazebag.

Tough shit for him if he's "not a man to upset". You shouldn't be a woman to upset, either.

Original poster
Leafitout · 26/04/2015 20:35

It upsets me so much to see her treated like this. She is stuck with him and his shit. I have said to her that it is not a healthy situation for her. He would hunt her down wherever she goes. He laughs in my face when I tell him not to pat my backside and says "you love it you slagbag" she looks at me and says "what's he like eh"! This is how far removed from reality she is. She has been conditioned to accept his behaviour as that's how he is

OP posts:
Original poster
Leafitout · 26/04/2015 20:37

Many times I have told her to LTB

OP posts:
BettyCatKitten · 26/04/2015 20:38

Goodness me, he sounds vile. She needs to LTB, get her to ring women's aid.

FenellaFellorick · 26/04/2015 20:39

so how much are you going to take? What would he have to do to you before the risk to you was too much?

If your cousin isn't ready or willing to leave, then that is truly sad for her and I hope that she chooses to escape him when she's ready, but are you going to carry on allowing him to abuse you too? For how long? Until you have a partner? Until you have kids? When he's sexually harassing your own daughter?

at what point are you going to say I have to put myself first here?

You sound fairly conditioned yourself, tbh.

financialwizard · 26/04/2015 20:47

Not being funny Leaf but you are enabling this man and you need to report him for your and your cousins sake.

daffsandtulips · 26/04/2015 20:47

You sound lovely OP but the others are right, Stand up to the twunt even if she can't, you never know it might give her the courage to kick him to the kerb. He is doing this directly to you so report to the police then block his number. As for the kneecapping, I have a baseball bat here with his name on.

Original poster
Leafitout · 26/04/2015 20:48

Fenella I'm scared for her. I have told him to stop he ignores me. I can take care of myself but she can't she is stuck with the cunt. I can block his number and will. But I can't block her number as this will be cutting a form of contact. He has done it from her phone in the past. I care about her and her kids.

OP posts:
HazleNutt · 26/04/2015 20:52

if he's so aggressive and you don't actually want to do anything as this might make him angry - can you really help your cousin? I'm just not sure being there and being abused yourself is ultimately helping her.

FenellaFellorick · 26/04/2015 20:53

I realise that, and it's commendable, but you are going to have to make a choice at some point. If you ever have children would you want them to be subjected to him?

He ignores you when you say don't call you names. He ignores you when you say don't send me sexual messages. He ignores you when you say don't touch me. Do you honestly not see the danger you are in here?

Do you also not see that you are helping her to normalise his behaviour which makes it less likely that she will leave, not more? You are helping him. Helping him. That's the absolute opposite of what you want, surely?

Original poster
Leafitout · 26/04/2015 21:02

I do have a ds and I tend not to take him around there if I don't have to. Although not by choice ds ha

OP posts:
Icimoi · 26/04/2015 21:02

Have you talked to Social Services about the situation? It sounds as if it's a dreadful situation for the children to be in the middle of.

AnyFucker · 26/04/2015 21:04

lovey, I think for now you are going to have to withdraw

you are not helping your cousin right now

you are a 3rd (or 4th, or 5th) wheel in the abuse of her by tolerating his sexual abuse of you it demeans her

step right back but make it clear you are there for her when the shit hits the fan (which it will) but that you have to protect yourself

Original poster
Leafitout · 26/04/2015 21:07

Ds has seen his temper flare and I have taken ds away from it. The bloke is a grade A wanker. I don't think I am in danger from him but I know that she is. Im trying to help her and make her see she needs to get out away from him and fast. I tell her that he is abusive and she can get help

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/04/2015 21:08

if you have told her all this it is pointless to keep saying it while you put yourself in the firing line

she knows it...she just isn't ready yet

FenellaFellorick · 26/04/2015 21:10

You cannot make someone see. You can't. I really wish you could! I wish people could be made to leave situations that were really damaging to them and damaging to their children. But that's not how it is.

You do have to put your son first. What he sees will shape who he is. Don't let this man be even a tiny influence on who he grows up to be.

Much as you love your cousin, your child is more important.

You tell her he is abusive yet you normalise and minimise it to her by showing her you tolerate it from him.

And you cannot see that you are not helping her.

Original poster
Leafitout · 26/04/2015 21:11

I don't tolerate his abuse I tell him not to do it. block him from my phone but he does it from hers. I thought the best way to deal with it was to not reply to the texts which I do not. I do not give him any indication that I like him doing this I fuckung hate it and I hate him. It's almost like he is trying to make my cousin and me fall out

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/04/2015 21:15

oh yes, his aim is to isolate your cousin even further

he is clever, that is for sure

but you do not have to cut her off completely

make it clear to her why you are stepping back but that as soon as he indicates she needs you, you will be there