To not want DD to have play-dates or attend parties in certain areas due to safety concerns?

[HourOrTwo]

She is 7. Until now she only has playdates with friends whose parents we know well, but now she has a bigger group of friends. Some of these friends live on local council estates. One of these estates has a particularly bad reputation (drug problems, unemployment, high crime rate). When I drove through it recently I noticed kids playing out in street, groups of youths standing around smoking and drinking, big dogs in studded collars roaming around (no muzzles), rubbish everywhere etc. I don't mean to sound judgemental but it's not the sort of place we want DD playing or walking around.

We're happy for DD's friends to come play at ours, and we want her to socialise with children from social different backgrounds... but recently she's been invited on several play-dates on these estates plus a party. So far I've made excuses, as I don't want her playing out unsupervised and TBH don't like her going to houses unless I know the parents and trust them to keep a close eye on her. Even if I chatted to these mums at school gates and they promise to supervise, I don't want her going to houses where anyone is smoking, drinking or teenage siblings are coming in and out with their mates, or any household with a dangerous dog (there are a lot of pitbulls and rottweilers on the estate), but I can't really ask this.

How do we politely decline these play-dates without offending anyone? Is there a way we can have DD's friends at our house without her going to their houses? And what do I tell DD, without mentioning it's because of the area her friends live?

Oh my good god teenagers partying when she is on a playdate im started to think you are taking the piss.

Do teenagers bring their friends home for drinking sessions in the afternoon? Is that something that happens a lot?

When I was a teenager we went to each others houses after school to get started on our homework, have a bit of a gossip, and maybe drink tea and raid someone's biscuit tin. We didn't go on bourbon and speed benders

Although maybe that's because I lived somewhere non council estate

This estate sounds like sodom and gommorah i would be scared to go there what with afternoon piss ups with devil dogs

I didn't mean the teenagers are drunk or high, I meant people on street may have drug/alcohol problems, since area has a serious heroin/alcohol problem.

Re teenagers supervising, I would be annoyed if I picked my DSC up from a play date to find mum was out and kids were being supervised by a 15-year-old sibling. I don't think most teenagers are responsible enough to look after someone else's child or cope in an emergency. When your 7 year old is at a play date you expect a responsible adult to be there.

Coincidentally and with excellent timing my council house owning neighbours are sipping pimms & lemonade in the back garden...
I assume that's not the sort of drinking meant here

I have only read the first two pages, but there is an awful lot of unhelpful name calling ad rudeness, so it is difficult to actually follow a genuine conversation.

I live on a council estate, and sympathise with a lot of what the OP is saying. I have raised my children here, so know the neighbours fairly well. There is a mixture. We have the few totally neglected children, and permanently drunk parents, I have called the NSPCC anonymously more than once.

We also have a serious problem with dogs. Not commonly, but certainly at least a dozen times over the last 15 years have been involved in an attack, either running from one, defending someone in one, or bitten myself. ( The bite was from a dog that entered out house when I opened the door)

It is hard. Being on the estate myself, I have always been at hand, when my children are playing out, and can keep an eye. That hasn't stopped various threatening incidents over the years.

These days ( DC are teens) they mostly socialise away from the estate, and only parents who know me well allow their children here.

If I wasn't right here in person, I would not allow DC to COME to this estate to socialise.

Why are people being so nasty to the OP? I understand her concerns very well. She has genuine and well founded fears.

Why not listen to the problem, and suggest constructive solutions?

YAB.....ahhhhh fuck it i can't even be bothered.

has anyone got their bingo card out yet?

Idontseeanydragons maybe they've got ideas above their station? Next you'll be telling me they've got a labrador instead of a pit bull.

I'm a bit confused here.

At DS primary school there doesn't seem to be a massive divide along where you live, though it's certainly a place where a lot of social assumptions are made. I'm hoping its exagerated as DS is in Receprion year, where people are navigating a new system, peer group, set of friends, aquaintences and want to do their best for their children.

Anyway, the reason I'm confused is that you're talking about a situation that I don't recognise and I'm wondering how/ why / what's happening that you are seeing a massive line drawn between council estate vs rest of world, with sneering and talking behind backs etc. Sounds horrific!

Why is this happening? Who is reacting against whom? Sneering and clique ness can happen on its own or as a preemptive strike.

If it really is happening at a whole group level then there are strong group / social dynamics at work that I would be avoiding like the plague!

My 3 rules play date rules would be:

1. I wouldn't want my child to visit a house where the parents sneered at me. I find social sneering disgusting and something worth shielding my child from. Both 'for' and 'against' actually.

1. Or made horrible assumptions about me. Or others. As above 'I find social sneering disgusting and something worth shielding my child from'

1. And I wouldn't let my child visit a house where my absolute essential rules about my child won't be respected. Not silly stuff but the absolute basics I'd hope people would respect that just like I would respect theirs.

And that's it really.

I certainly wouldn't be lumping together people by one random characteristic and judging them as a group.

Nope, a beautiful big floppy lab
The dog with a studded collar lives round the corner - the biggest danger from that big old soppy thing is drowning in it's drool..
OP I do know there are estates that are considered to be no go areas by Daily Mail readers and the makers of Benefits Britain but why assume that everyone who lives there abides by the stereotype they are assigned?

I've known a number of families from vairy vairy nice houses where the children are left unsupervised or parents have alcohol problems or have uncontrolled dogs as well as parents from estates with great parenting skills.

So basically you want to micro manage your child's life, her friends, her social life ...until she's how old?

Be careful. She will go to high school one day and if you alienate all the council estate kids she will have very few friends.

I'm not sure why you think council estates are so bad but suggest you stop reading the daily mail.

Ffs.

You are a fucking snob. OP.

HTH.

When we were teens the private school girls were always far wilder & "looser" than us council chicks!

Op you should read Chavs, the demonisation of the working class

You sound vile. At least your attitude hasn't rubbed off on your dd yet. You are being massively unreasonable.

Are you assuming it's almost certain that the house will be swamped with drinkers, smokers, dogs, teenagers in and out(?!) because it's on a council estate? Tbh it sounds like your main issue is that the party is a 'rough' area. It's a party ffs, she's not moving in there. I don't really understand what your issue is, she'll only be there for a couple of hours.
I grew up on a council estate and your OP has made me
We're not monsters!

I live in a 'bad' area. I am a nurse (so not unemployed although that doesn't matter!), I don't drink, smoke or do drugs ever let alone when there are children in my care, my children are loved and well cared for and no 7 year old in my care would be playing out where I live unattended. I don't have any pets but again, dogs can't be classed as 'dangerous' due to their breed, they must be around your child's friend on a daily basis after all so would be used to children. You really cannot judge a person or their parenting on where they live. Stop wrapping your child in cotton wool and try getting to know some of these people! If you pass this poncy, snobby attitude on to your daughter you may really hold her back in certain areas of her life.

I was on the receiving end of that playground snobbery..we actually lived on a quite a nice estate by estate standards but the yummy mummy clique used to turn their backs on we mums from the estate. The most troublesome kids were not from the estate!
Mind you we did start to take the piss at some of their behaviour, like the 'Princess Di greeting' when the DC came out of class...you know.. arms outstretched pick them up cuddle!

The one or two who invited DD to theirs for tea always had excuses when we invited them back....until DD won a place at a prestigious independent school. Suddenly we were socially acceptable! By then DD had twigged and refused invitations to most.
I always found parental snobbery in state schools ten times worse than at Indie schools.
OP take each parent as they come wherever they live..get to know them..at 7 you have some control by the time DD is 11 you won't.

Did you not think very carefully about your first post OP? It's hardly rocket science. If you take the judgemental stuff out you are left with legitimate concerns and personal preferences:

1. Being invited by parents you don't know.
2. Dogs (depending on your viewpoint this is either a personal preference or a legitimate concern)
3. Smoking inside.
4. Playing out aged 7.
5. Drink and drugs - though I'd probably leave this out. If guess that anyone with serious problems isn't going to be great at organising playdates. If I can't tell from talking to the parents that they have issues the I doubt that my child would notice or be at risk from being in their care.

I wouldn't be happy to send my DD to a friend's house if I knew the parents so little that I didn't know about those issues or know them to be able to check. But my DD is 4 and petrified of dogs. I don't know how I'll feel when she is 7.

Is your DH called Richard? Do you have sisters called Daisy and Rose?