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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DD to have play-dates or attend parties in certain areas due to safety concerns?

640 replies

HourOrTwo · 26/04/2015 16:15

She is 7. Until now she only has playdates with friends whose parents we know well, but now she has a bigger group of friends. Some of these friends live on local council estates. One of these estates has a particularly bad reputation (drug problems, unemployment, high crime rate). When I drove through it recently I noticed kids playing out in street, groups of youths standing around smoking and drinking, big dogs in studded collars roaming around (no muzzles), rubbish everywhere etc. I don't mean to sound judgemental but it's not the sort of place we want DD playing or walking around.

We're happy for DD's friends to come play at ours, and we want her to socialise with children from social different backgrounds... but recently she's been invited on several play-dates on these estates plus a party. So far I've made excuses, as I don't want her playing out unsupervised and TBH don't like her going to houses unless I know the parents and trust them to keep a close eye on her. Even if I chatted to these mums at school gates and they promise to supervise, I don't want her going to houses where anyone is smoking, drinking or teenage siblings are coming in and out with their mates, or any household with a dangerous dog (there are a lot of pitbulls and rottweilers on the estate), but I can't really ask this.

How do we politely decline these play-dates without offending anyone? Is there a way we can have DD's friends at our house without her going to their houses? And what do I tell DD, without mentioning it's because of the area her friends live?

OP posts:
Littlemonstersrule · 26/04/2015 16:41

It's ok to have rules re play dates, I don't like smoking or dogs so both were out. It's also fine to state you don't allow unsupervised play outdoors, what some people consider acceptable at 6 others will not agree with.

If you don't feel comfortable, say she's a homebody and arrange the play date at yours.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 26/04/2015 16:42

Just respond back saying you don't allow your DD to visit council estates. Problem solved.

Justusemyname · 26/04/2015 16:42

You are judging. Admit it.

TeenAndTween · 26/04/2015 16:43

You can also tell your DD to say she's 'not allowed' to play out unsupervised if it is suggested on a play date.

DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 26/04/2015 16:45

but I can't ask mums these questions at school-gates or trust families I know nothing about

But how are you going to get to know them unless your daughter goes to the parties. At 7 it's still perfectly ok to ask if you can stay.

You need to separate out how you feel about places to how you feel about people. If the parents have actually given you cause for concern then of course YANBU. But if you're basing your worries purely on where they live then YABU. As well as ignorant.

Mrsjayy · 26/04/2015 16:45

But you dont know these parents you dont know what they let their 6yr olds do because you have made assumtions about a coun cil estate I essentially live on a council estate but we own our house, tbh those teenagers in that fancy pants estate next tp ous are wild drinking smoking drugs parties when parents are out at dinner parties amd games nights please dont assume anything get to know your dds friends parents tell them you dont let her play outside yet they will understand or you can have them at yours so you can make sure your child is safe there is no nice way to say you dont trust the other parents

TSSDNCOP · 26/04/2015 16:46

The parents in question care enough about their own kids that they want to invite others to play, so I'd say its safe to assume they'd take care of your DD.

That being said I don't think it's unreasonable to ask if they smoke, if they have dogs or if they plan to let the kids play out and decline if any of these aren't how you want DD to be looked after.

The latter conditions shouldn't be different questions you'd ask regardless of the invitee parents home circumstances IMO, simply that you don't want DD to go to a home where these conditions would exist.

MissDemelzaCarne · 26/04/2015 16:46

I don't mean to offend anyone or sound snobbyHmm
Why not? If the cap fits, wear it.

treaclesoda · 26/04/2015 16:46

well, if the truth is that you are concerned that you don't know the families well enough, you could always try to get to know these other mothers, if that is what concerns you?

But, I must admit that the wording of your posts does make it sound as though you're not particularly interested in actually getting to know these people because you don't like where they live.

It is also fairly ridiculous to say that you want your daughter to have friends from all sorts of backgrounds but that you don't actually want her mixing with them within their own backgrounds. Accepting them only on your terms, in your 'nice area' isn't really the same as accepting them full stop.

You are perfectly free to not want your daughter to go to some people's houses, there are all sorts of perfectly valid reasons for that, but deciding that she in unsafe at someone's house without actually knowing the family comes across as horribly snobby.

Floggingmolly · 26/04/2015 16:46

People don't usually "get drunk" whilst hosting playdates. Even on council estates.

floatyflo · 26/04/2015 16:47

Do people not drink or smoke or own dogs or let their kids go wandering out in the leafy suburbs then OP?

Don't backtrack.

GlitzAndGigglesx · 26/04/2015 16:50

I grew up on a council estate just like the one described and I honestly don't recall any more crime than you would get in a nicer area. All the kids were safe playing outside. Your op is very judgey. The unemployed aren't bad people or a hazard to your child

derxa · 26/04/2015 16:51

Are you being serious, OP?

DinkyDye · 26/04/2015 16:51

OP l will go against most here and say YANBU and l wouldn't let DD go. She's my concern, not not offending someone l don't know. And l don't care if l offend ir sound snobby.

Just decline invite and invite to yours. When your dd is older you can re-evaluate but at 7 l wouldn't.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 26/04/2015 16:52

I think you should bite the bullet and let her go if she's been invited.

Are the girls nice, look clean and well looked after? I'm sure they're from loving homes regardless of where they live.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 26/04/2015 16:55

If the concern about not knowing the parents is really the issue it's clearly not then where they live has nothing to do with it. You've made a lot of assumptions on people based on where they live. What about the ones who appear all middle class who you don't know .

EatShitDerek · 26/04/2015 16:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lastnightiwenttomanderley · 26/04/2015 16:59

Actually, I hope my DCs have friends from different backgrounds to us. In my view it gives them much healthier and more rounded view of the world.

Original poster
HourOrTwo · 26/04/2015 17:01

StillStaying, yes all the girls who've come to us for play-dates, bar one, have seemed nice, clean and well looked after. However, all of them said they play out without an adult at home and seemed surprised DD is not allowed beyond garden. One of them also mentioned her mum works late so older sister and sister's friends look after younger kids in evening.

The party is a drop-off one, I spoke to the mum but she said parents won't be staying as she has enough help. She seemed nice enough though a bit abrupt.

OP posts:
Original poster
HourOrTwo · 26/04/2015 17:04

I have asked mums if they want to stay for a cup of tea when collecting their DDs after playdates, but they all declined. TBH I sense there is already a social divide at school-gates, the mums from the estates all stand together and seem to sneer at other mums a bit. I've tried striking up conversation in past but feel like they are uncomfortable and don't want to talk to me.

OP posts:
TaperJeanGirl · 26/04/2015 17:04

I agree with op, I don't let my kids go back to houses if I don't know the parents really well, I would not want any of them playing out unsupervised, around dogs or smokers/drinkers, and especially not if I suspected a parent was a drug user, surely that's common sense? I'm working class and live on a small estate...

Lavenderice · 26/04/2015 17:07

I'm not surprised they don't want to talk to you.

ScrabbleScrabble · 26/04/2015 17:07

Why don't you arrange a meet up in a park etc (picnic after school or whatever) then you can get to know the other parents a bit, (maybe let your DD go on a play date if you feel comfortable after that) and at least hangout together with no one in particular hosting.

MirandaWest · 26/04/2015 17:07

What is the issue with teenage siblings and friends coming in and out? My DC now have a 20 year old step brother who has friends who come round. Not sure how you'd know tbh but this is his home and so his friends come round. I have been known to get drunk but not when hosting a play date. The house we've moved into probably doesn't fit your criteria of not nice place though so you'd be unlikely to be too concerned anyway.

Mrsjayy · 26/04/2015 17:08

Look if you dont want your daughter mixing with those types of people you are going to have to stop them coming to yours as well make a clean break your dd will start to notice the friends will notice the mumsmight start calling you the snooty cow the children might start saying to your dd my mum says your mum is .... let them be friends at school and say no to invites.