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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DD to have play-dates or attend parties in certain areas due to safety concerns?

640 replies

HourOrTwo · 26/04/2015 16:15

She is 7. Until now she only has playdates with friends whose parents we know well, but now she has a bigger group of friends. Some of these friends live on local council estates. One of these estates has a particularly bad reputation (drug problems, unemployment, high crime rate). When I drove through it recently I noticed kids playing out in street, groups of youths standing around smoking and drinking, big dogs in studded collars roaming around (no muzzles), rubbish everywhere etc. I don't mean to sound judgemental but it's not the sort of place we want DD playing or walking around.

We're happy for DD's friends to come play at ours, and we want her to socialise with children from social different backgrounds... but recently she's been invited on several play-dates on these estates plus a party. So far I've made excuses, as I don't want her playing out unsupervised and TBH don't like her going to houses unless I know the parents and trust them to keep a close eye on her. Even if I chatted to these mums at school gates and they promise to supervise, I don't want her going to houses where anyone is smoking, drinking or teenage siblings are coming in and out with their mates, or any household with a dangerous dog (there are a lot of pitbulls and rottweilers on the estate), but I can't really ask this.

How do we politely decline these play-dates without offending anyone? Is there a way we can have DD's friends at our house without her going to their houses? And what do I tell DD, without mentioning it's because of the area her friends live?

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 26/04/2015 17:08

Surely your dd knows about the party and will be disappointed if she can't go, how will you deal with that?

exLtEveDallasNoBollocks · 26/04/2015 17:09

Why don't you let your DD play out unsupervised? Is your area particularly dangerous or car heavy?

My DD has friends from all walks of life - those with swimming pools and ponies on their land, those who are struggling to keep up the mortgage and those who couldn't survive without benefits.

Those I wasn't too sure about I made an effort to speak to, to get to know, to invite in for a coffee if their DD came to play or to chat to on the doorstep when dropping DD off - not a single person was of any concern. They were all just mums doing the best for their children. DD has recently made friends with a couple of girls from traveller families. I know their lifestyle is erratic and it certainly isn't what I'd want for my girl, but you know what, they absolutely love and care for their kids as much as I do.

Try to unclench. Give them a chance. Let your DD experience different lifestyles and areas. Do it for her, and do it for you.

Mrsjayy · 26/04/2015 17:09

I was looking after my 3yr old sister so my mum could work at 15

loveareadingthanks · 26/04/2015 17:09

You can't backtrack now, OP. Your problem is not that you don't know the families - that would apply wherever they lived, in a mansion or a council flat. You went on about how awful people on council estates are. You are a snob, own it.

Of course you will offend people if you ask them questions such as whether they intend to get drunk while the children are playing. Why on earth do you assume this is what parents on council estates do?

I used to live on one of these estates and the discrimination you can face from snobby arseholes because of your address is awful. And wrong. Just plain wrong.

elderflowergin · 26/04/2015 17:10

I live on a council estate, as that is the only place in our generally expensive town that we could afford to buy a house. I am however a social worker and therefore pretty sure I can judge what it is ok and not ok for children to do and how to keep them clean and safe Grin
YABU and a snob and I wouldn't want my dc to be friends with yours because of your attitude to people who can't afford to live in nice posh middle class roads.

Twitterqueen · 26/04/2015 17:11

This is a great policy for turning your DC into narrow-minded snobs, fearful of anyone who doesn't live in a naice middle-class house in a naice neighbourhood. They will grow up to be just like you - bigoted, idiotic, totally without compassion for a wider world and a wider society that a) doesn't share your values (shock! horror!) and b) offers different life experiences, different attitudes, and a different outlook.

DoraGora · 26/04/2015 17:11

The common sense rule is, if you're not happy to let your children go somewhere, don't let them go. End of.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 26/04/2015 17:11

If your dd stays firm friends with these other girls at some point she will visit these places you deem unsafe.

Hairstylisttoboris · 26/04/2015 17:11

mrsterryprachett I thinknif far rather leave my child in the care of a random mother in Sudan than with some of my friends in middle class suburban Home Counties England.

DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 26/04/2015 17:13

TaperJeanGirl
and especially not if I suspected a parent was a drug user, surely that's common sense? I'm working class and live on a small estate...

I think the issue is the OP thinks there will be drug taking solely because it's a council estate rather than because she has any reason to actually suspect the parent.

TBH I sense there is already a social divide at school-gates, the mums from the estates all stand together and seem to sneer at other mums a bit
no fucking wonder if the "other mums" are all as thick narrow minded as you.

LucilleBluth · 26/04/2015 17:14

I have a four year old DD.......I also have two grammar school attending teenage DSs, would they be ok for your precious DD to be around.....how very odd.

Your attitude is shocking, she's 7, explain to the mums that she's not very streetwise and she'll be fine.

cleanmyhouse · 26/04/2015 17:14

Good Lord! Council Estates? Isn't there barbed wire keeping them in?

I live on a council estate. Some of the kids are little shits. Some of the kids are lovely. There are dogs. They piss in the lifts. There are people smoking indoors and out. There are no drugs being dealt as far as i can see. My kids have been out playing unsupervised since they were about 5 or 6. Shock! They're two terribly well adjusted, decent young men who are doing well at school.

As far as I'm aware, poor isn't catching, unless your immune system is weakened by snobbery. Then you might get all sorts of bad stuff.

Mrsjayy · 26/04/2015 17:19

All the kids round here played outside must be a council estate thing Grin we are on 2nd load of kids (mine are grown) they play out together is your street not very safe op

BastardGoDarkly · 26/04/2015 17:21

What is wrong with an older sister looking after her younger sibling so their mum can work?!

RubyMay82 · 26/04/2015 17:21

I keep trying to write on this & deleting it.
Remember segregation, when black and white kids couldn't socialise?
Is this is what you propose but on a class basis?
Also I'm pretty damn sure drinking, smoking & dogs aren't only on council estates.
Fair enough wanting to look out for your kid but wanting to pretending council estates don't exist is just snotty.
You get bad people on council estates & in big posh houses.
Same goes for good.

fattymcfatfat · 26/04/2015 17:23

I actually feel safer having my DS out knowing that the teens are hanging around in their "gangs"
they look out for the younger ones and report back to parents if needed. or if there is no one for him to play with they will have a kick about with him so he isn't lonely
but then again I must be a terrible mother Grin

Mrsjayy · 26/04/2015 17:27

Thats what happened when i was a kid you looked out for the younger ones and thats what happened when my dds played out

ImNameyChangey · 26/04/2015 17:27

Well you have just confirmed my fears OP.

I live in a council estate and often worry about giving my children's friend's parents our address in case it affects things.

Now I know it does. Lovely. :(

Feminine · 26/04/2015 17:28

op
I think you are frightened of estates.
I'd imagine you very rarely come in to contact with them?
You've probably never been inside a council home have you?
My guess is that all this palaver is based on an irrational fear.
There isn't anyway for posters to reassure you, as you personally have no experience of a life beyond your own.
I think you will need to make friends from all walks of life before you can decide if it will be safe for your daughter.

BettyCatKitten · 26/04/2015 17:42

Why assume that people who live on council estates all smoke and drink?
There is nothing wrong with older siblings looking after younger ones, the mum in question probably doesn't have a choice.
I should imagine the mums know you look down on them.
Despite living on a council estate I have qualifications in child care and work in a children's home and am perfectly capable of looking after children properly, and sober!

Nanny0gg · 26/04/2015 17:48

The only criteria I ever used, was, if I knew the mum at all, did I like her and the other was, did I like the child. If the mum seemed pleasant and the child wasn't feral then I mostly didn't have a problem.

Original poster
HourOrTwo · 26/04/2015 17:52

ExLt, we live on the edge of a village with no other houses in sight. There's a quiet road next to house, and woods and fields behind garden (private land with no public access from garden). So DD never plays out alone, because I don't think its safe for a 7-year-old to walk along an isolated country road by herself or with another young child. On play-dates I like to keep an eye on her and friend, I'd never want them out of my sight and feel its my responsibility to keep them safe. I know many parents do let kids play out, but all the mums I know believe in supervising at this age.

Feminine, when we lived in city I had a close friend who lived on a council estate, she has 3 DDs and is an excellent parent. I would feel totally safe letting DD stay at her house as I know her very well and she is very conscientious about keeping children safe and supervised. Her DDs were never allowed to play out at age of 7.

My point is that I don't know these mums and therefore don't trust them. Im not saying where I live is safe and where they live is unsafe, I'm saying I don't want DD playing out unsupervised no matter where the family live. Playing-out with no adult seems more the norm on these estates, and I've noticed big groups of children playing ball-games in road amongst traffic, and hanging out on streets where teenagers are smoking and drinking (these are my observations not judgemental assumptions). One of the estates has a really bad heroin problem so I worry about dirty needles lying around, drug-users behaving unpredictably etc. I don't feel it's a safe environment for a 7-year-old to play-out, even if her friend's parents feel it's safe.

I'd feel very uncomfortable if DD was left in the care of friend's teenage sibling, or if teenagers were partying and drinking in a house where DD was on a play-date.

OP posts:
Idontseeanydragons · 26/04/2015 17:58

I live on a mixed council/private estate - not sure what I should do now GrinGrin
Dogs, playing on the street unsupervised when she's not used to it & smoking - fine, that would apply anywhere. Although at 7 I would start to encourage her to be a bit more independant. We encouraged DD1 (9) to spread her wings a bit last year and she's blossomed.
Teenage siblings bringing friends home - why not? They live there! 14 year old DS brings his friends home all the time - they babysit for us on occasion and my 3 year old adores them all Smile
YABU. Just because these parents aren't you doesn't mean they're bad people.

Mrsjayy · 26/04/2015 18:00

Sounds like you had a day out driving round the estate tutting at the plebs ohh 1 and only councilhouse friend is ok. You need toget to know these parents but it doesnt read like ypy are that keen to know them, i have had to deal with women like you for years with their condescending attitudes and sneery faces when they realised where we lived their loss i guess cos i am a decent kind person who so happens to live in a council estate

CaspianSea · 26/04/2015 18:03

YANBU.

I would not want my DSC playing-out somewhere that has a high crime rate, drug problem or people drinking on the street. I wouldn't want them playing games in the road either, or being looked after by a teenager if the mum was out. It's common sense not to let a 7-year-old roam around somewhere people are drunk or high!
OP was not saying the parents of kids are going to get drunk or use drugs, she was saying the estate has a drug and alcohol problem and all DD's friends play-out alone on the estate!

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